Author Topic: Joyful journal  (Read 7004 times)

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #50 on: June 01, 2020, 01:47:55 AM »
Day 6

This is the hardest day of my current streak.
It's been two days in a row that I wake up with sexual thoughts. I've edged for a minute this morning. I kinda wake-up in half-zombie mode and my first thoughts are sexual...
Yesterday I went out for a 1 hour walk, then I had 35 minutes of biking with my girlfriend and 1h of working out (legs&abs), all while fasting.
In the afternoon I was KO, I couldn't focus.

I've been eating junk food recently, because I'm not at my home so I don't always control what food is on the table.
My balls feel like they're going to explode, I have some cravings.

This morning I went out for a run. I'll go pick some strawberries and then I'll workout (chest and biceps).
I don't do anything that involves thinking deep, working, staying focused...
Tomorrow is the first day of my new job, I'll work from home but meet my colleagues at lunch time.

Mood is just OK. Exhausted, not very enthusiastic... not too negative either. 10/20. I can do better, I WILL do better

Chris Oz

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #51 on: June 01, 2020, 02:46:17 PM »
Good luck on your new job haaks.

For the urges.... Why not you get it off and have some good time with you're girlfriend... Since she's available. It'd help turn your attention to her when it comes to sex I think.... That's if you don't have a rule not to have sex

It'd get easier with time. Wishing you another day, week, month of sobrierity. Keep focusing on why you're doing this in the first place

Keep pushing!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #52 on: June 03, 2020, 01:12:34 AM »
Day 9

Thank you Chris!

Quote from: Chris Oz
For the urges.... Why not you get it off and have some good time with you're girlfriend... Since she's available. It'd help turn your attention to her when it comes to sex I think.... That's if you don't have a rule not to have sex

That's what I ended up doing :)
The urges were so strong, sex was the only thing I could think of.
What happened is: we had sex 3 times, I didn't orgasm. But I kinda went too far and had "blue balls".
I read that it's possible to orgasm without ejaculating - so you do have the pleasure and you don't have neither the blue balls nor the tiredness that comes with ejaculating. I'm trying to do this but I can't do it so far.

I wanted to avoid ejaculating before my first day of work but I couldn't resist.

So anyway, day 9!
My first day of work went well! I work remotely for now but I got to meet my new colleagues for lunch. They're all very clever, it will force me to step up my level and I will learn a lot.

When I look into the mirror I'm very proud of the progress I made on my body in the last 3 months. I've been working out 77 days out of the last 86 days.
I highly recommend you guys read Atomic Habits by James Clear, it's an easy to read book full of practical stuff to get rid ouf bad habits and build good ones. I took so many good habits due to this book and I also understood better how I could change my environnement and life to get rid of the PMO habit.

Today I want to: sign my contract, declare my taxes, have a good day of work, workout tonight and cook 2 healthy meals. Before work I want to stretch, meditate and take a cold shower :)

Stay strong brothers!

Sanders

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #53 on: June 03, 2020, 02:49:14 AM »
Hey Kopp,

Your progress in life is great man. Not just getting rid of the porn but your whole approach to changing your lifestyle! I think it's better to focus on all of these new factors in your life than fearing a relapse. It's an inspiration to see how you're developping yourself into a much healthier person in many different ways. Keep on going!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #54 on: June 04, 2020, 12:27:50 AM »
Day 10 guys!

Thank you Sanders :)

Yesterday I've been able to focus very well for hours. That's what I needed!
The negative point is that as soon as my girlfriend left the flat, I had urges & was tempted to fap. The fact that I have porn blockers on my phone and computer has helped resist it.
I have big sexual energy today but I should avoid relapsing because I won't be home.

I slept well, mood is good, I'm happy today :) This is going to be a big day.

I also had a good pecs, biceps and shoulders workout. And an intense conversation with my girlfriend. And reconnected to an old friend :)

Keep fighting brothers!

Chris Oz

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #55 on: June 04, 2020, 04:42:44 AM »
Wow, I'm proud of you and how far you've gone..... I'm on 10 days too and I'm so happy to say that.

I

I read that it's possible to orgasm without ejaculating - so you do have the pleasure and you don't have neither the blue balls nor the tiredness that comes with ejaculating. I'm trying to do this but I can't do it so far.

I wanted to avoid ejaculating before my first day of work but I couldn't resist.

So about this, I didn't know that were actually possible, I would really love to learn to do this... It'd would help with the sexual experience


Keep fighting man hard man!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #56 on: June 05, 2020, 12:05:44 AM »
@Chris have a look at "non ejaculatory orgasm". I've tried but never succeed yet
Thank you :) Keep fighting!

Day 11

I don't have much time to write today but I'm doing well. I had sex yesterday night, I feel fine today.
I had a good day of work, I could focus, I'm happy about that. My colleagues are nice. I've been too shy with them though, I could've spoke more. I did a great job.
Today is gonna go fast: I'll see a physiotherapist, go back home, then go to work, then go to my gf's parents place.

Negative point: I only did a small workout yesterday and I wont have time to do one today either
Mood: 8/10 I feel good

Doctor Who

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #57 on: June 05, 2020, 04:30:48 AM »
I had an involuntary non-ejaculation orgasm last week (before I started this attempt).

I was dreaming about running away from someone chasing me, and I slowly woke up. It was weird, like being stuck between my dream, and being awake. My legs squeezed together, and I felt myself experience an orgasm. I woke up fully with a rapid heartbeat, slight sweat, feeling a little drained, and I checked my boxer shorts, my trousers my bed, and my penis. No leakage whatsoever. Dry as a desert.

So in my case, it wasn't even a sexual dream. Just a normal one, and no leakage. Not sure what happened, except maybe my legs squeezed against something too much.
DAY 32 COMPLETED

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #58 on: June 06, 2020, 12:51:26 AM »
That's impressive and also kinda strange :D

Day 11 (yeah I previously made an error at some point)

I woke up early, energized. I had sex with my girlfriend. We had sex 3 times in the last 6 days and I'm not suffering too much yet. I get a bit tired after sex every time though. I'm less energized than when I woke up.

I had a good day yesterday: time at the physiotherapist (I'm in much better shape than I was 6 months ago and my back is stronger and almost never hurt anymore), good day of productive work and good meal with my gf's family yesterday night.

Today I want to do a back workout, less heavy than usual, focusing on form as my physio suggested.
I also want to do more neck exercises :)

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #59 on: June 06, 2020, 02:12:07 AM »
So today marks my 90th day of working out, it's time for a checkup.
I'll put a before/after picture of my torso, ignore this post if this is a trigger for you ;D

https://i.postimg.cc/qv0kYNzv/before-after.png

I'm not flexing in either of the pictures.

You can't see it because of the before picture but I have a wider neck.
I have wider and more defined shoulders, less fat on abs. Arms are bigger even if it doesn't show much on the picture but I def notice it when I flex them in the mirror.
My pecs are less flabby.

I lost fat and took +2kg (5,5lbs). It's not much, I could get more mass eating more food. I practice Intermittent Fasting (don't eat in the morning) so there's that.
I was not in total control of the food I ate lately, I would've been less fat if I did.

I have a more athletic look overall. You can't see it but I have bigger legs and calves and above all a wider, more muscular back. My abs are bigger but there's still some fat above them.

Including the workout I'll do tonight, I'll have worked out 80 out of the 90 last days (sometimes only for 2 minutes, sometimes for 1 hour)
I didn't take it very seriously, I indulged in much more bad food than I usually do (due to the quarantine) and didn't give 100% of my energy at every workout.
I could have done better. I'm pretty proud of how consistent I've been though and I feel much more athletic now!

Let's make the 90 following days even better :)
My goal is to gain 3 more kg (6,6lbs) of mostly muscle and look defined.

Stay strong brothers!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #60 on: June 07, 2020, 02:22:11 AM »
Day 12

I had an excellent workout yesterday.
I sleep very well and wake up energized.

Today I'm cooking for 12 people.
Before that I'll get another workout.

Mood is excellent. I'm fantastic. Have a great day guys!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #61 on: June 08, 2020, 12:52:58 AM »
Day 13
Excellent workout again yesterday.
Cooking for 12 was a success, everyone enjoyed my dish (chicken curry).
I played a lot, was outside a lot.

I'm more tired than usual but still with an excellent mood.
Today I'll simply be focused on work. I enjoy my new job a lot, the team is so cool!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #62 on: June 09, 2020, 01:01:24 AM »
Day 14
No workout yesterday.
I'm feeling bored, I lack motivation to stretch and meditate. Maybe it's the dopamine receptors going back to healthier levels which is good news.

I'll stretch and meditate anyway. I'll workout tonight. I'll focus on work today.

Keep fighting guys, I love the genius energy of this place

Sanders

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #63 on: June 09, 2020, 02:52:01 AM »
I lack motivation to stretch and meditate

As Shia LaBeouf once said: JUST. DO. IT! Seriously, if it helps you watch his encouragement video :) Cool that you've anyways decided to do it, hope you'll keep the motivation and focus to continue. All the best man! Your usual excellent mood definitely helps.

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #64 on: June 10, 2020, 12:46:42 AM »
Haha I can still hear Shia shouting JUST! DO IT! in my head
Sanders the book "The Magic of Thinking Big" has played a huge role in me having a better mindset and mood, I strongly recommend it :)

I didn't stretch nor meditate yesterday. I know why, I know the pattern: I started using my computer far too early in the morning. (first thing in the morning, before doing my daily habits).
I still had a good day of work (kind of) and an excellent workout. I also invested in stock market and my girlfriend found a new job!

Day 15

I changed that today. I did all my daily habits before starting the computer. That's much better. :)
I'm proud of being at day 15, I previously had numerous relapses after 5 to 10 days. I had morning woods those last days which is something I'm not so used to.

I wake up less enthusiast nowadays but it comes back later in the day. There's been no sun for the past 3 days, I haven't been out much, that could be one reason.
I'll take a 5 minutes cold shower and I'm pretty sure all my energy is going to get back!

Stay strong guys!!

Chris Oz

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #65 on: June 10, 2020, 06:44:32 AM »
Hey I'm really happy things are going well for you Kopp, I think to a great extent books also have Influenced me and is still influencing me.

Im also happy your girlfriend got a new job, you invested in the stock market and your days are getting easier to handle.

I might start looking ahead to restarting my exercise routines too.

Keep pushing back!

smitdum

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #66 on: June 10, 2020, 09:35:56 AM »
hey kopp
great to hear your story.  stay strong.

Absolutely loving this forum.

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #67 on: June 11, 2020, 01:35:18 AM »
Absolutely loving this forum.

You guys make it so worthy to be there!
Chris yes exercise man and tell us about it!

Day 16

Ok so yesterday night I got kinda depressed. All it took was spending 2 hours on twitter instead of spending time with my girlfriend.
Social Medias are so negative and depressing recently. I blocked twitter from my computer again. I'll have to find a solution to block it on my phone also as Block Site (app) is no longer working on my phone.

I woke up lacking energy and feeling lazy. I went for a 40 minutes walk and I feel much better.
I'm craving dopamine since a few days now - less willpower to do what matters and more cravings for bad stuff. No cravings for P though which is a victory. I notice that I struggle more with screen & internet addiction than with porn now (for years it was both screens + videogames AND porn)

I'll be extra careful from now on. I'll repeat my rules:
No screen before 8am (it was previously 9 but I start work at 9 and I enjoy writing here in the morning)
No screen after 5.30pm
Computer is for work only. Phone is for socializing only + music during workouts. No entertainment.

Reminders:
Inactivity leads to a depressive boredom.
It doesn’t matter what you enjoy. It matters what’s good for you.
Internet changes our brains.

The more I use my computer and phone, the less happy I am.
The less I use my computer and phone. The happier I am.
The more I do activities that don't involve screens, the happier I am.


I meditated less those last days, I want to go back to 20 minutes of meditation or even more (the longer I did was around 25 minutes, I'd like to be able to do 30, even 60!)

See you tomorrow guys!

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2020, 01:16:38 AM »
Day 17
The day started great. I set my alarm to 15 minutes earlier than usual. Woke up early, energized. No more brain fog nor negative thoughts. High energy, decent willpower and drive. Morning wood.
I respected my rule to not touch the computer before 8.

I went out for a walk with my girlfriend and it was marvelous. It was like I had new eyes or saw colors for the first time. Everything was beautiful. The sun, the clouds, the mountains, the fields, the trees and their fruits... It was beautiful.

And then she fucked up everything. We had a 40 minutes walk. I listened to her and attracted her attention to positive things for 35 minutes because she was feeling bad due to difficulties with her main group of friends.
And then she went into stupid crazy mode. I told her she had some responsibilities in what happened and she simply told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore and walked away. Fuck that. I'm tired of that shitty attitude. It happens far too much: criticize legitimately a bit of her behavior and she'll take it as a personal insult and amplify it 10 times, talk about everything she did wrong in her life and fuck everything up.

She simply had a problem with her friends and then she ruined both meals with her family and I yesterday and this morning she was suicidal and wanted to leave me and then she fucked up our walk. I'm so done with her attitude.

I have so much energy. I'll workout like a beast tonight. I'll have an incredible day I'm sure. I hope you're all doing great!
« Last Edit: June 12, 2020, 01:19:20 AM by kopp »

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #69 on: June 13, 2020, 02:21:24 AM »
Day 18
Very good work out yesterday, I'm more and more athletic everyday.

The situation with my girlfriend got better, her friends ended admitting they were wrong, she got support, she told me she was sorry.

We had sex twice yesterday. This morning we cooked a meal together. We plan to bike and then workout this morning.
I woke up early, energized and happy - happier than the last days.

I also want to reevaluate some part of my life: my current habits, my plans for the next months.

I'm doing great.

Chris Oz

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #70 on: June 13, 2020, 11:56:37 PM »
Hey great story kopp. I'm glad you got things settled with your girlfriend. I love your energy levels man. Keep it up.

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #71 on: June 14, 2020, 03:20:17 AM »
Day 20 !!

Thank you Chris :)

Yesterday I had a good arms workout, my biceps feel bigger today! I bought a new, well fitting shirt, spent time with my girlfriend and her best friend.
I had sex this morning.
Then I went for a walk with my girlfriend and her mother - 1 hour of walk under the sun.

I'll workout the legs later this morning.

My motivation to do productive things is so so, I haven't been as hardworking as usual regarding my daily habits (I kept working out - I didn't meditate & stretch and other tiny habits and I stopped writing in the evening).
I need to reevaluate my habits, I'd like to add one to be more social (like contacting 1 friend everyday) and one to work on a video course.
My will to live is high and my mood is excellent though.

Sex is always like that: I feel good but lazy in the sense that I spent some precious energy. I think that after sex the body feels like he accomplished something huge and there's no need to "hustle" anymore. I'm fine with doing physical stuff (working out, biking...) but lazy to do what requires being focused.

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #72 on: June 15, 2020, 01:17:24 AM »
Day 21
I'm back at my place, alone. I had urges yesterday night and this morning. Loneliness is my #1 trigger it seems.
I anticipated by making sure my blocking sites app was working on my phone.
I let the urges pass. I'm doing fine.

I had a good legs workout yesterday, shorter than usual because I had less strength this time.
I had a one hour walk, I spent time playing outside...

Today I'm going back to work. It feels fine, I like my new colleagues and I've been working well last week.
I'll meet with my brother either tonight or tomorrow.

I've completed all my morning habits this morning :)

kopp

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #73 on: June 16, 2020, 01:07:47 AM »
Day 1

Yesterday was a good day: I worked well, I've seen new colleagues, we had a drink together and then I went playing volleyball with friends in a park.

I relapsed this morning.
Triggers were:
- seeing sexy girls in the park. Seriously there were a lot of girls walking dogs, doing fitness or running in fitted clothes...
- waking up alone, tired, feeling lonely.
- realizing my blocking app was not working: I immediately thought "ok let's profit from it, let's look at stuff just for a minute"

As soon as I woke up I started fantasizing and edging without a screen.
I then lied to myself, telling myself I'd just send a message to my girlfriend. Very bad idea. This lead me to use my phone, noticing the blocking app wasn't behaving normally and that I could profit from it. I told myself "just have a quick look" and then I was trapped... I wanted more and more and more.

Thoughts:
You have the choice between approaching women (hard, risky, takes a long time before you have sex) or PMO (easy, fast, unlimited experiences, never rejects you). I understand why P is so attractive.
Of course approaching women is the right choice: it teaches you courage and a lot more, it leads to no longer being "needy", it forces you to better yourself, you develop real relationships...
But what to do in my case? I have a girlfriend that I love, I'm just away from her for a few days.

Seeing all those beautiful women somehow hurts me every time. I feel frustrated. I had a few girlfriends but I've never been the kind of guy that attracts a lot of women. It hurts my self confidence. I don't know who to talk to about this. I have a beautiful girlfriend, why isn't it enough? Why do I feel like I'm not attractive and not existing to women in general?

Every time I see a beautiful girl I wonder if she's attracted to me - if I'm attracting to her. And I never know. And I feel bad for not knowing.
I feel beautiful when I'm alone in front of my mirror. I feel non-existing around girls.

I never experience this when I'm living far from the city and I see very few people. As soon as I go back to the big city... boom. So many beautiful girls in every kind of shape, style, skin color...

I'm experiencing chaser effect right now.

Conclusion:
"Messaging my girlfriend" is not an exception to my "no screen before 8" rule. It's just a trap, a lie I tell myself.
Loneliness is nothing. PMOing won't help - it just gives a temporary, poor quality relief before making the loneliness worse.
All I had to do was to go out of the bed. That's it.


I'm sad about my counter.
I'm happy about my life.

Chris Oz

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Re: Joyful journal
« Reply #74 on: June 16, 2020, 08:47:05 PM »
I'm sorry about the ralpase man... You really went a long way. I don't really understand why you're in this state of being bothered by beautiful women around you... It's hard to also understand it if your girlfriend is beautiful too.

It's normal to get attracted to sexy girls, beautiful and interesting girls dressed in an arousing way...nature right? Yeah
It's just how it is. Lusting over them is to be expected when you entertain thoughts and dwell on their looks.

And it's good you know it's a trigger for you. I feel you need to know how to:

1. Avoid or get around this trigger so it doesn't make lead to strong urges, so you don't dwell on the thoughts and create fantasies that's drive you to want to use P
 And
2. Formulate a plan on what to do when the urges are actually there, how to deal with it. Maybe masturbate and then go exercise or visit a friend. Or you come back here and read up osts about people that'd encourage you to keep fighting.

That's what I can say. And don't be too discouraged. Just keep fighting, keep trying.. One day it'd all come together. You'd just realize it's been a 100 days you haven't watched porn and then 256, a year.... And it gets easier.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2020, 06:58:06 AM by Chris Oz »