Author Topic: HumaNature's Journal  (Read 1250 times)

HumaNature

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HumaNature's Journal
« on: April 28, 2020, 02:16:33 PM »
Day 2

Decided to get a post a day going on a recovery website to help stay above board during this quarantine.

The What

Initial goal: 1 week no PMO
Secondary goal: 1 month no PMO
Tertiary goal: 3 months no PMO
Final goal: 6 months no PMO
Follow up goals tbd


The How

Daily meditation
Regular exercise (3x per week)
Writing daily as a hobby
Posting here daily as a requirement
Reading other's stories and progress here
Phone and laptop use left only to safe areas IE not the bedroom or bathroom


The Why and Background

I'd like to feel real again. Like a person. With emotions and passions. They're there but watered down by overstimulated reward circuitry. I'm aware it's going to be shitty, and won't be easy. I feel like it's time to complete this challenge and move forward with better footing in my life. So far I've mostly been trying to climb my way up a slippery slope and I've been eeking out victories only to slide back down some of what I climbed. It's gotten old, I've gotten tired of it, and really there isn't much reward to watching porn for me any longer. Not that there really was reward before, but it felt different. Despite it leaving me hollow I was still under it's spell before. I've snapped out of it largely but now I need to trudge up the neuropathway I set in motion for years and not succomb to pitfalls. I know a good amount of my trigger points but that only goes so far without discipline and activities to keep me busy. In a week I'll be straining some, in a month I'll have daily difficulty for a week or two, then after that I'm not sure what'll happen and I'm worried it'll be too hard. Won't stop me from trying, but still the worry is there.

I'm in my upper twenties and have been trying to quit porn and sexually addictive behavior for a number of years. I've had good runs before but none were like how things are now. It's just different. I feel I have a real shot at this but I'm not fooled that it will be easy.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

-HumaNature


gauss

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2020, 07:40:15 PM »
Good luck! Looking forward to seeing your progress.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2020, 01:50:58 PM »
Day 1

Thanks gauss! As you can see I'm back to day 1. Even when I feel I have a handle on this thing it manages to sneak up on me. I'm not disheartened, but it is a drag. I feel worn down now.  I know what I have to do and it is difficult to say the least. Just gotta stay focused on the goal and take action when red flags crop up.

This week I want to go without alcohol to see if that helps.


Chris Oz

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2020, 04:45:34 PM »
Nice stuff human nature. Like your motive. Just believe, you can beat thus thing. I'm not giving up on my future.... That's what I'd always say. Good luck!

gauss

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2020, 01:17:06 AM »
It is great that you are not giving up. Establishing a consistent workout routine has helped me a lot in my reboot.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2020, 01:51:58 PM »
Day 2

Yeah, believing you can beat it is key. I was reading the other day and something struck me... it went something like the only limitations we have are the ones we accept. Fits in line with this, as for a while I believed I wouldn't beat it but now that has changed.

I'm in need of a consistent workout routine for sure, it does help a lot. I recently got a road bike and take it out on nice days. I will start doing yoga or something else on rainy days.

Thanks for the support guys!



Getting through the day OK. As per my workout statement I have yoga to do today still and meditation. It's easy to let these things go undone but that just makes it easier to slip up ultimately. Gotta stay focused and positive. It's only a matter of time and dedication to a better lifestyle overall. Trying to keep things simple.  I'll write in my free time much more than take care of my body or mind. A good outlet, but perhaps I should use that as a reward since I like to do it so much instead of an immediate go to for the day.  Didn't drink yesterday despite wanting to and it made things easier.  Here's to another day of sobriety!


HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2020, 06:37:32 PM »
Day 3

Good day so far. Not much to write. Figured I'd hop on here and put something down at least. Wrote today to help process things. Going to meditate some and write some more.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2020, 11:40:34 AM »
Day 4

Slept in and it feels good. Woke up with a good mood. Great day out, going to take the bike for a spin. May add on later.


Edit:

Went for that bike ride and reached out to some friends. Good start to the day has stayed and showered without incident. That's my primary time of relapse. May institute cold showers only for a while. It has helped before.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2020, 02:01:38 PM by HumaNature »

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2020, 03:21:48 PM »
Day 5

Day by day I get better when I get past urges. It feels good to be able to say no to them. It's easier when I catch it early. Otherwise it gains momentum. At day five, here's to five more.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2020, 08:32:07 AM »
Day 6

A large aspect of how I get through this is socializing. When I'm cooped up it tests me. I've been more than hanging in there these past couple days, however. Been exercising and writing and generally staying busy.  Feeling decent today. Looking forward to continued progress.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2020, 10:57:07 AM »
Day 7

Made it past some intense cravings later in the day yesterday. If I can get through that I can get through the next bout. Didn't sleep well but today is off to a good start anyway. Cold showers are next on the list of things to employ so today I'll start doing that.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2020, 11:06:58 AM by HumaNature »

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2020, 11:28:58 AM »
More background...

My porn history starts at age 4, when I was showed it I felt disgusting. Fast foward to age nine and I believed that I needed to watch it to be a man, not the kid that I was. I was in a hurry to grow up I guess. Started watching way too much despite not wanting to deep down because I do things full tilt in that way and I believed I HAD to. But the high and stimulation won over after a while too until it no longer really happened that way. I got numbed to it, and trained myself to a screen early. From there my relationships were riddled with me seemingly wanting to "click" on the next person. Like people were tabs to be opened. It makes me sick to think about it now but that's what happened. I no longer want surface relationships and am fighting for deeper meaning in all areas, not just the romantic. Friendships are better when I'm away from this for a while too. I can show up and be myself without that nagging self doubt or shame or numbed sensation that makes you feel deflated and not really a whole or real person. This isn't my first time trying to get away from porn and unhealthy sexual behavior but it can be my last. I feel I have a better mindset about it this time around and have faced large chunks of issues through my previous efforts. Also, went a little off the deep end this past winter and tried to end my life for various reasons. Didn't work, and it left me to deal with all that brought me to that place. A few of my friends know about it and they've been more than helpful along the road to recovering from that experience. Family too. I'm lucky to have them. Despite my inability to connect as much as I want at the moment I have been trying to reach out more. It's difficult for me when I'm in the midst of PMO. Like I'm not worth their time because of a lack of potency of spirit and vitality. Anyway, that's where my motivation stems from-- wanting to be a better friend, family member, and at some point romantic partner. And, to be sure, having a better relationship with MYSELF. Being able to trust my judgement and decisions will be a huge turning point and I believe going no PMO will help me get there. Cheers to those in recovery from this and to those looking at this site for the first time. It sucks at first but I hear it gets better.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2020, 12:08:06 PM »
Day 8

Doing great, after passing those initial hard cravings I feel like I can do this if I stay on top of my routine and stay in line with the parameters I've set.

Not fooled however, that it will get tough again. By the end of a month or so I tend to get cravings daily and have found it difficult to get past that without enough focus, helpful activities, or if I drink.

Knowing what I have to do and my triggers is half the battle, doing something about it is the other half.  Getting into good habits early helps me when the inivitable month cravings hit. Being active, writing, and taking cold showers has helped these past couple days so I might as well continue with it.

gauss

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2020, 03:41:58 PM »
Hey HumaNature, I get that feeling of being "numb" to emotions and feeling like a "partial" person. It makes it hard to want to reach out and talk to other people because you do not feel like you are worth their time or that they will not understand you. I think it is great that despite your feelings, you are still trying to reach out and connect with people. Keep going, I am sure you will start feeling like more of a "whole" person and then connecting with people more easily.

Chris Oz

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2020, 12:30:51 PM »
Nice one humannature, don't think about the cravings when you get to a month. Just focus on your recovery one day at a time.

Wow, you're at day 8....congrats!

I think I'd employ those cold baths you were talking about.

Keep pushing back
Chris.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2020, 06:14:22 AM »
Day 12 (!)

Thanks guys, I have noticed the longer I go the easier it is to connect, to be willing to be vulnerable, and to put myself out there. Connection is a great feeling, one that is well worth fostering over the false connection of a screen. Being on here has helped me with reaching out more to friends. It's an outlet to get some of this stuff off my chest and feel less weighted by the shame that comes with this for me. Turns out one of my buddies is trying to reboot as well, we talked about it recently and was able to show him support and understanding. Funny what opening up some and showing support can do to bring people together and make each other better. Makes sense, but that scary inbetween where you gotta make that leap has been a barrier for me for a while.


Slowly getting the hang of this while wanting to go a million miles an hour into sobriety is disheartening at times. Sometimes slow is steady and sure, though. It's like I'm on the highway but there's debris everywhere from a storm and I have to be the one to cut it up and remove it to get the flow of my life back to a state of health. Nothing to it except to start chipping away as the storm passes.  Still at times I feel like I'm in a fight-- I've been rocked by the heavyweight champ and I'm staggering back to my feet. The bell rang, mercifully, and I got some time to recover now before heading back into throw some of my own punches. These cold showers are a jab to throw this thing off, my meditation my footwork, exercise is a good hook, and clinching is my support both here and from friends. Enough analogies for now.

I'll stop thinking about my month-in cravings and focus on now, today, and the challenges it poses. Cold showers have been helping the day to day. So has exercise (when I do it), and making time for friends. I'm dangling by a thread at times but I remind myself why I'm doing this and the benefits of healing and it tends to help get me through too. Too easy to give in, as I have found out many times before. Better to go the difficult route and reap the rewards of gaining my life back. My discipline is coming back more the more I do this, the more I get up and try again. I feel as though it can be my time to cast this thing out. Time to remain disciplined and become the best me I can. My quality of life depends on it.

Before my best run was because there was a wonderful lady who wanted to be in my life. Between self doubt, lack of a sense of self worth, and this addiction I managed to sabotage something truly special despite trying so hard. That shit HURT. Still does. Makes me want to get through this and become on par with the man she saw in me. It might be too late to make that relationship work but I can heal the relationship with myself.

Good to see ya'll are pushing back daily too. Pitfalls happen but the more you dare to fight this the more you see you can make it through.

Cheers

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2020, 12:26:16 PM »
Day 1

Yep... went into the shower and reasoned it was OK to do half hot, half cold... I tricked myself. Anyway, now I'm only doing showers cold as that's the biggest hurdle for me. Getting back on the horse. Learning from my mistakes instead of beating myself up over them.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2020, 08:12:11 PM »
Day 2

Got through some urges today. Told my therapist about no PMO. Another layer of accountability couldn't hurt. Not feeling up to writing much but I wanted to put something down for today.

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2020, 09:34:46 AM »
Day 3

Here we are at daya 3 again. Feeling good about the new attempt. May post more later.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2020, 07:27:06 AM »
Glad to hear you are doing good! Keep up the good work. It's great you were able to trace exactly what caused the last lapse (half hot half cold shower) you know exactly what triggered it for you - so cold showers the way to go!

HumaNature

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2020, 05:48:20 PM »
Day 5

Hanging in there. This time around is a stronger resolve which helps... but that isn't enough. Habits, habits, habits. I've been changing them. Thanks quitforever for the encouragement, it helps for sure to have people on here rooting each other.

Chris Oz

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Re: HumaNature's Journal
« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2020, 12:43:19 AM »
Hey man, it's been a really long time I heard from you. What's up?