36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED

[MinneapolisGuy]

You absolutely did not give the impression that you were just after sex. I know you don't feel that way because I've followed your threads. I just used that example to try and illustrate that when we make those important connections then people are more forgiving about our performances.

We are often our own worst critic. 

Sometimes it feels like the whole world and his cat are against us so the last thing we need is to be against ourselves.

Good luck and I'm really looking forward to reading your success story!!!   

Thank you my friend.

And yes, you are absolutely right. I now know that I really have been my absolute worst critic.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery as well. 

Thanks again

[MinneapolisGuy]

A day 76 right now.

Over the last 6 or 7 days my penis has started to feel more responsive here and there. I've had a few erections on some days. Nothing lasting to long or that strong but they have popped up here and there. In addition to that I've also noticed that I'm starting to have more nocturnal erections which are now happening almost every night. These aren't super strong either but I have notice that they are generally stronger then anything I usually experience in the daytime and can be anywhere from about 70% to 80%.

Had an alarming dream a few days ago though of something related to some of the old fetish material I used to watch. This was a bit cornering at first but I've only had 2 cases where something porn related has appeared in my dreams during my current reboot so I guess it's not that bad.

Something else that has happened a few times that is related to the woman I've talked about before though. There have been a few times we've talked over texted and the conversations ended-up becoming very sexually charged. This happened last night and I ended up becoming very aroused but never at any point did I think of porn at all. This left me horny for the whole night with a decent nocturnal erection lasting for most of the time during my sleep.

Overall though, I've begin to feel more responsiveness in my penis. For the first time in years, I started to notice my penis having a reaction when I think about a woman. There are still times where I will still feel the dead dick feeling though so I definitely still have a long way to go.

One thing I am wondering though. I know that generally during a reboot we're supposed to avoid fantasy but I'm wondering in my case if the times when I thought about this woman or the few times I've received sexually charged texts did any harm to my reboot or not?

Thank you all for listening.

[mousemat1]

Well done on hitting day 76!

I think you are showing some positive signs of recovery. I've had some similar developments but I'm still not healed.

Fantasy is a bit of a grey area, I think. Fantasising about porn is definitely not a good idea as it just fires up the old porn pathways.

Fantasising about possible relationships with real partners might not be so bad. I honestly don't know. I think fantasy has slowed my reboot down but I think that's because my fantasies often revolve around a fetish.

Anyway, well done and keep going!

[MinneapolisGuy]

Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone

[Reformed Fapper]

Its good that shes told you up front about this anyway.
Youre on day 83 and getting some strong visual stimuli-free erections. Since shes offering herself it might be a good opportunity to test your progress, if its just an in-out-in-out type of thing with no strings attached.
She is very easily letting you have sex with her, so she just wants a good time.
But, you mentioned wanting something serious. This is a dilemma. On one hand you have a free ticket to hit it and quit it, but on the other you might not want to lose your virginity to someone who has no problems in opening her legs to men just for the purpose of getting herself filled. Such women might not be the best to commit to.
Having said that, however, if you do choose to take her up on her offer make sure shes clean first.

[mousemat1]

Don't tell her about your PIED. If you have any problems she will put it down to performance anxiety, which is quite natural.

If the lady in question would like to have sex with you and you with her, then I don't see any problem. As for waiting for a partner who would like something more committed, I think this has to be your choice alone. You obviously have very personal reasons for hesitating and so I think you should just follow your instinct on this point.

Good luck!

[MinneapolisGuy]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm on day 84 right now but currently, I've started to feel the dead dick feeling again during this past 7 days or so which is really frustrating after having had felt those great improvements.

As far as the woman is concerned, I was actually texting her last night and decided just to tell her everything about my life since she had said preciously before said that she really wanted to know everything about me.

After she read what I had told her, the next morning I received a text from her that was probably some of the most caring and understanding words I have ever been told by anyone in my life. No judgment whatsoever.

As far as the sex thing is concerned, I'm still not sure where this might go. We've actually known each other for about a year now, but just didn't talk that much until the last 2 months due to me never really feeling comfortable around other people, especially woman. But during these last two months, we've really hit it off extremely well.

I would really love to have a relationship with her, but she's revealed to me that she too has been dealing with major emotional struggles from her past that mostly revolves around previous abusive relationships. There's a part of me that kind of believes she would like a relationship with me too but is just very hesitant when it comes to trusting men. One thing I know for sure though is that we have developed a bond with each other that is definitely mutual.   

[Reformed Fapper]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm on day 84 right now but currently, I've started to feel the dead dick feeling again during this past 7 days or so which is really frustrating after having had felt those great improvements.

As far as the woman is concerned, I was actually texting her last night and decided just to tell her everything about my life since she had said preciously before said that she really wanted to know everything about me.

After she read what I had told her, the next morning I received a text from her that was probably some of the most caring and understanding words I have ever been told by anyone in my life. No judgment whatsoever.

As far as the sex thing is concerned, I'm still not sure where this might go. We've actually known each other for about a year now, but just didn't talk that much until the last 2 months due to me never really feeling comfortable around other people, especially woman. But during these last two months, we've really hit it off extremely well.

I would really love to have a relationship with her, but she's revealed to me that she too has been dealing with major emotional struggles from her past that mostly revolves around previous abusive relationships. There's a part of me that kind of believes she would like a relationship with me too but is just very hesitant when it comes to trusting men. One thing I know for sure though is that we have developed a bond with each other that is definitely mutual.

Thats great news, then. She might still be unsure of men and fearing another absusive realtionship with you. However, now that she knows you dont fit the description of woman-beating douchebag, she might change her mind. She might come around after a while and realize shes met a great guy!

[Moderator's note: Offensive content deleted. You are getting close to a ban, RF. Your language is juvenile and pointlessly graphic. Clean it up, or find another forum]

[HumbleRich]

I completely disagree with Reformed here.  And dude, do you have to be disgusting? 

Having a  casual relationship is not what you should do.  You have  already said that what you want is a relationship.  Having sex with this woman will just make feelings stronger and make it that much worse when she doesn't change her mind.

You habe to be honest with her.  You habe to be a man and tell her you are attracted to her, but sorry, no relationship, no sex. 

Don't push yourseof on her.  Don't be manipulative.  Don't force her into anything.

Mame it ckear that you are not one of those creeps and that you want her, but it has to be a relationship that goes somewhere.

Let me know if I am putting words in your mouth, but it seems that you want a relationship , marriage, the works

Fucking this woman is absolutely the worst thing you could do.

Rich

[DepressedAndOut]

Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone

You don't have to answer this, but did you get any sort of erection while doing that? It's really giving my anxiety about how my dick (or mind) react once I get intimate with a woman and, as our stories are similar, I was wondering what the outcome was.

[imaquitter]

[Moderator's note: Offensive content deleted. You are getting close to a ban, RF. Your language is juvenile and pointlessly graphic. Clean it up, or find another forum]

Thanks Malando! When we are escaping porn we should not have to face it in writing here!
And Reformed, you don't need to be rude and disgusting to encourage others. You have some good comments too, keep it on that line, please!

[MinneapolisGuy]

I completely disagree with Reformed here.  And dude, do you have to be disgusting? 

Having a  casual relationship is not what you should do.  You have  already said that what you want is a relationship.  Having sex with this woman will just make feelings stronger and make it that much worse when she doesn't change her mind.

You habe to be honest with her.  You habe to be a man and tell her you are attracted to her, but sorry, no relationship, no sex. 

Don't push yourseof on her.  Don't be manipulative.  Don't force her into anything.

Mame it ckear that you are not one of those creeps and that you want her, but it has to be a relationship that goes somewhere.

Let me know if I am putting words in your mouth, but it seems that you want a relationship , marriage, the works

Fucking this woman is absolutely the worst thing you could do.

Rich

Hi Rich,

It's still a bit complicated. Yes, I want something that is considered official but at the same time, I don't want to come off as being judgmental with someone who hasn't been with me.

In an ideal scenario, I would like all of those things in life. But at the same time, I've always felt myself that I would never want to get married or have kids if the situation/relationship was not truly ideal for that. Those types of worries from me stem directly from growing up in a dysfunctional household with parents who were almost always miserable and are now divorced. On top of that the divorce rates in general are very high which is worrisome, imo.   

So maybe she just feels similar when it comes to official relationships labels because of her past experiences as well? She's told me that a relationship is something she wouldn't mind but just isn't looking for right now. This is something I would never try to force as I would never want anyone trying to force anything on me either.

Actually, the more I'm starting to think about it, the more I think I don't necessarily need conventional labels when nothing about my life as ever been conventional anyway. What I think the real concern for me right now is if it will just be me and her. Label or not, I just don't want to be giving my love and attention to someone and they're giving it to someone else.

We've talked a little about this over text, but have agreed that this is something that needs to be discussed in person.   

Thanks so much for the reply   

[MinneapolisGuy]

Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone

You don't have to answer this, but did you get any sort of erection while doing that? It's really giving my anxiety about how my dick (or mind) react once I get intimate with a woman and, as our stories are similar, I was wondering what the outcome was.

I'm actually glad you mentioned this as I got so caught up with the other stuff that I almost forgot to talk about it at all. 

To answer your question, I'd have to say yes and no. I got a bit of an erection when we hugged outside against her car and I grabbed her butt. But when we got back in her car and started making out and fondling each other, I really didn't get hard at all, which worried me. However, I did notice that after I had left and went back home that there was a decent amount of pre-cum stained in my underwear. So while I didn't get the feeling of an erection the whole night, I did get some sort of sexual response.

In fact, just today I actually saw her and she playfully sat on my lap and what I noticed later after going to the bathroom was that there was a bit of pre-cum on my penis even though I don't remember becoming aroused earlier. It's almost like my brain likes it but my penis just hasn't caught up yet.

[MinneapolisGuy]

Day 90

This is the first time during a reboot where I can honestly say that I haven't done any cheating. I feel in complete control and have no desire for porn. However, the problem is that I also seem to have pretty much no desire at the moment at all. This is pretty frustrating seeing as how some weeks ago I had been noticing an increase in both desire and responsiveness.

I know this is how these things work sometimes but it's still frustrating to feel those improvements one day then they're gone the next.

Does anyone know exactly how to tell when you're no longer in flat-line? Would it be the presence of consistent desire, morning erections, etc?

Thanks

[Reformed Fapper]

Congrats on the 90 day achievement! That's a big one.
As for the flatline thing, don't force it. You'll know when your out of it.

[malando]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

[MinneapolisGuy]

Congrats on the 90 day achievement! That's a big one.
As for the flatline thing, don't force it. You'll know when your out of it.

Thanks for the support. Yeah I'm not gonna try to force anything. If anything though I'm really looking forward to what I will feel like beyond 4 months of Nofap seeing as how I've never made it passed that, especially clean.

[MinneapolisGuy]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

[malando]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

[the_terrible_one]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire!

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot! 

[MinneapolisGuy]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person. 

[MinneapolisGuy]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire!

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot!

Thank you for such kind words my friend.

No, going back to MO/PMO isn't an option for me nor is it a desire anymore either. In the beginning, there were times when I literally couldn't keep my mind off porn. Now, I can actually go through my day without it being an issue. You've just started but I guarantee you, as hard as it is right now it will get easier. You simply just have to keep fighting those demons and you will succeed. You have to treat this as something where failure just isn't an option anymore.

As far as the woman I've mention in this thread before is concerned, she's been through a lot. She's a had some bad/abusive relationships and she also had some bad experiences with trying to get close to someone and having them reject her. She labels us as 'friends' right now but I out right told her that after meeting her, I have no desire to go out and meet anyone else.

She told me that while she's not ready to be in a relationship right now, she knows what she'd want and that doesn't mean it wouldn't be me. This is hard for me because it just seems as though everything in my life is never just easy. It hurts but right now, I'm willing to try and wait. She's a quality person that I simply don't want to walk away from.

One thing I will say though is that having an actual human being to concentrate on/view as a goal has made rebooting incredibly more easier than other times I've tried before. Having someone around you that you want and stays in your thoughts often helps greatly with keeping your mind away from PMO.

Wishing you and everyone with much success and happiness in life.

Thank you again

[malando]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person.

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

[the_terrible_one]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire!

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot!

Thank you for such kind words my friend.

No, going back to MO/PMO isn't an option for me nor is it a desire anymore either. In the beginning, there were times when I literally couldn't keep my mind off porn. Now, I can actually go through my day without it being an issue. You've just started but I guarantee you, as hard as it is right now it will get easier. You simply just have to keep fighting those demons and you will succeed. You have to treat this as something where failure just isn't an option anymore.

As far as the woman I've mention in this thread before is concerned, she's been through a lot. She's a had some bad/abusive relationships and she also had some bad experiences with trying to get close to someone and having them reject her. She labels us as 'friends' right now but I out right told her that after meeting her, I have no desire to go out and meet anyone else.

She told me that while she's not ready to be in a relationship right now, she knows what she'd want and that doesn't mean it wouldn't be me. This is hard for me because it just seems as though everything in my life is never just easy. It hurts but right now, I'm willing to try and wait. She's a quality person that I simply don't want to walk away from.

One thing I will say though is that having an actual human being to concentrate on/view as a goal has made rebooting incredibly more easier than other times I've tried before. Having someone around you that you want and stays in your thoughts often helps greatly with keeping your mind away from PMO.

Wishing you and everyone with much success and happiness in life.

Thank you again

Hey no problem man. I guess we differ in the fact that I haven't really given porn or masturbation much thought since I stopped with almost an immediate flatline which hasn't stopped. Not because I've made myself crazy busy, far from it, but more that I just don't miss it. I think I've only had one thought and I just ignored it but I don't want this stance to make me complacent. So personally, I'm fully expecting it to go from easy to much more difficult as the days mount up. I know it's very early days in my journey and I'm expecting a stream of urges to strike in the not too distant future! It would only be natural after all. Its just not acting on those impulses, so it'll be an interesting test. In all honesty, I'm looking forward to that particular mental fight!

Whilst it's great having someone else to focus on, I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. I'm finding myself doing that and I know I've definitely done it in the past, which is has probably resulted in me missing out. Yet I always find myself coming back to the idea of that one, even if I'm not sure if it's mutual. I managed to get her out of my head for a while but the thought keeps coming back so it's just another thing to find myself being preoccupied with, whereas I'd prefer to have a clear mind to focus on the matter in hand and progress my own life. So whereas you're finding that its helping, I'm finding it a bit of an ordeal having that thought but we're all different. Besides, I still have a long way to go in my rebooting voyage!

Keep on fighting.

[MinneapolisGuy]

It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again

I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person.

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.