Author Topic: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED  (Read 6488 times)

Georgos

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #100 on: April 05, 2019, 05:01:36 PM »
I want to take a more nuanced approach than Pete and Malando, although I basically agree with them, but I want to write a bit more on this subject.

People have free will. You cannot make choices for them, you can only give them options. You are not producing porn, you are not selling porn, but you cannot stop people from doing that, only give them options. You could become all militant, rise to the level of dictatorship and send anyone who produces porn to the gulag, but even then, if people really want to do something they will find a way. The choice of the gulag or producing porn may seem an obvious one, but believe me if people want to do something, you cannot choose for them, life still offers them an option, that is the nature of life.

So do not try to control people, try to offer them the best choices.

I think there is something to be said for viewing PMO addiction as a compulsive disorder. The idea of choice applies to everything. We are basically fighting with our brains. We are trying to control our reward centre and fetishes. The suppression, the counting days, this causes a reaction until one or the other gives up. We hope our brains will give up. But all to often it becomes a compulsive cycle. A neurosis.

Reconising that porn exists is not a bad strategy, as your therapist suggests. Choosing not to view it because it is giving you ED and binding you to artificial images for pleasure instead of finding pleasure with real women, with the brain binding you to them ultimately in matrimony as it is designed to do is the best strategy, and believe me the only way to change is to make that choice.

But part of you is still bound to the images. I myself practiced viewing P without M or O, becoming mindful of my attachments, before stopping PMO for nine months. I have returned only once since then.

Practicing mindfulness whilst viewing porn and abstaining from PMO may help you transcend the bonds you have with it.

Ultimately you want to have a loving relationship with a woman. You have a problem with porn because it has led you down a path that has hindered you from exploring other paths. You do not need to continue using porn. You can leave it behind, in the past. What you can't do is stop other people from using it, you can give them advice on how to stop, help them find the courage to choose to go without, but ultimately it is their decision.

You may feel that you still have something to learn from PMO, something about the relationship between pleasure and fear, beauty and fetish, artificial and natural, fantasy and reality. All of these things are reasons to keep PMOing. But you may also feel that you have explored these things enough, that to have an erection with a real woman, to make love to a real woman, you need to abstain from PMO. That is still learning something from your PMO experience, indeed you will start to really learn the difference between all those things I listed.

I would advice some mindfulness viewing of P without M or O as it worked for me, though whether it works for you is down to your personal will, I also think you know in your heart that you have chosen PMO over real women too much and need to reset the balance, which means abstaining from PMO altogether.

With regards to the therapist, I would not write him off completely, but I agree with Malando that he probably has no idea of the research and experiences of people with our kinds of struggle, and is not the best therapist for you. You do not have to run, but try and find a therapist better suited is my advice. Thank you.


malando

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #101 on: April 05, 2019, 07:14:13 PM »
The reason I think MG should run from this therapist is not just because he has a different view of porn or porn addiction, but because he's displaying dominance over his patient. He's not listening to a very real concern and anxiety his patient has, and is trying to brainwash him and pound the pulpit over this issue too - using authority to dominate, holding a dogmatic monologue. Reducing the problem on behalf of the patient. That's a worry for me in a therapeutic dynamic. That attitude can cause problems across the entire scope of the therapy. (I wonder whether this therapist has his own issues around porn...)

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #102 on: April 07, 2019, 01:54:27 AM »
However it is not your job to change his mind, you obviously do have a problem with porn. It is your experience with it that leads you to your beliefs, and he is asking you to change your beliefs without knowing your experience. You could go down that route or you could find another therapist who shares your beliefs that porn causes ED.

Believe me, I'm not really concerned at all with changing his mind about porn and ED. During my last visit, he was actually this one to bring it up. To me it seems as though he's uncomfortable for some reason with the idea that I would ever consider porn as being an issue or even the fact I mentioned to him that one of my goals was to leave it forever. His response was "why would you consider porn and masturbation a bad thing? It can be a great way to take care of your own sexual needs." On top of that, he also assumes that my desire to leave porn alone is somehow rooted in being uneducated in sex as he also asked me if wanting to do so was rooted in religious beliefs. I told him no and said that I wouldn't even probably be against the idea or using porn if it had not been for the fact that I believe it's directly connected to my ED issues and that I had a history of compulsive use over the years in order to cope with this such things as stress, loneliness and depression. 

And after he felt that I wasn't still sold on the idea that PMO has zero links to ED, he then asked me "So, lets say if science proved porn use and ED were connected, what would it mean for you?" I then said to me it doesn't really matter if it's necessarily backed by science or not. The only thing I want to do is to be able to find a solution to my issues.

I would say this about your therapist, "run fast, run far"...

What this person is doing is proselytising a position without actually having looked at it properly himself. He's using his authority to overpower your own thoughts on the matter. I would confidently wager that he has not looked at all the material presented on YBOP and in particular especially Gary Wilson's work. There is actually a good deal of science pointing to PIED being real and the comparison with addiction. Regardless of how your therapist wants to pigeon-hole the definitions, it's foolhardy at best to be declaring porn to be not only ok, but of therapeutic benefit to somebody who has openly been negatively affected by it. He is trying to overwrite your own issues with porn and come around to his way of thinking about it. I'll bet he is a porn user himself. This is not somebody you want to be working with. You will not get anywhere good by working with somebody who denies your reality and replaces it with his own. Believe me, if you feel you have a problem with porn, you have a problem with porn.

As I said, run fast, run far. What an ignorant Charlatan...

Interesting you bring up him possibly being a porn user himself as that was actually something that crossed my mind during our last session. He seemed to really be stuck, even concerned about the idea of me thinking porn could be harmful or even just wanting to stop the habit altogether even though I had told him from day one, I wanted to leave it in the past. 


I wanted to write a long reply, but Malando leapfrogged me. Waste your money elsewhere. This guy can't help. Much worse, he will hurt your progress, if you continue to go to him and listen to him!

I have a few more sessions scheduled with him. But honestly at this point, I'm seriously just considering doing everything without a therapist now. I think it's basically a hit or miss when dealing with one. That doesn't mean going to one couldn't help but that's just how I'm feeling right now.

Practicing mindfulness whilst viewing porn and abstaining from PMO may help you transcend the bonds you have with it.

That's an interesting approach and while I might consider doing that if I feel I keep failing, right now I don't think that would be the best option for me. I don't even have to touch myself at times while watching porn to organism. Sometimes if I'm just binging enough, I'll end up organisming with no manual stimulation at all. 
« Last Edit: April 07, 2019, 01:57:00 AM by MinneapolisGuy »

Loving_Mary

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #103 on: April 07, 2019, 06:42:03 PM »
Sounds that therapist is clueless.

Mine has worked very well for me.

I saw he had an article on the internet about addictions, that's how I found him.

If you've had a bad experience with a therapist it doesn't necessarily mean you have to handle this all alone...there must be one who understands your problem and has the knowledge to help you.

Take care
Peace :)

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #104 on: June 05, 2019, 10:16:25 PM »
Not much of an update but I thought I'd post anyway.

I ended up canceling all of my remaining appointments with my therapist a while back and have since then just been trying to do things on my own. I'm not completely ruling out ever going to see another therapist but as of now, I just feel uninterested as I feel too many therapists would most likely have the same mindset regarding this type of issue.

Admittedly, I haven't been doing well with my current progress. I've had multiple streaks broken out of not being able to handle stress properly.

As of late I've been feeling extremely lonely and hopeless. As much as I want to be able to return to my normal fuction and be able to have sex, I feel as though living a life without never once being able to experience the companionship and affection of a woman has been the most difficult and painful thing to deal with. It's something that's made me feel incredibly lost and sad.


DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #105 on: June 06, 2019, 04:24:55 PM »
I know how you feel man - I'm not getting any improvements whatsoever. Simply asexual.

I'm just concentrating on other stuff in life now. Keep building up your life too, man. Have a plan, maybe in few years time we will heal and hopefully by then we will be comfortable enough in ourselves to go and meet females.

Good luck.
First Realised about PIED & first reboot: January 2017
Last PMO: August 2017
(Caused shrunk penis and even softer erection! Porn temptation instantly vanished due to shock of discovery!!)

Last MO:
August 2019
At least 1 six months Hardmode and 2 three months hardmode.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #106 on: June 06, 2019, 06:50:38 PM »
Thanks for the support. I don't always feel asexual but almost never really turned on by anything. There are times I might get somewhat of an errection in the morning but that's usually it and those go away quickly.

There is one girl I met a while back. She lives in my neighborhood. One night we ran into each other on the bus and chatted for a few minutes after we got to our stop. I didn't feel turned on really but that night after I went to bed, I had a dream that we were having sex. It's strange because I generally almost never have dreams about sex anymore. Usually the only time I may have a dream about sex is when I'm on a months long streak of nofap.

She actually ended up giving me her number but as of right now, were just friends. I'm suspicious there's some interest but I'm not gonna think too much of it like I've done before.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #107 on: June 17, 2019, 09:03:26 PM »
Interesting video I found. It dosen't talk about porn or PIED specifically but it still talks about the same principles of how internet use can sometimes negitivly rewire our brains

https://youtu.be/l_FZK1ROO0A


jorge2166

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #108 on: July 14, 2019, 05:04:38 PM »
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.

malando

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #109 on: July 14, 2019, 07:07:48 PM »
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD IDEA!!!

Don't do this! It's appalling advice. Sex workers do not provide a natural or supportive environment for getting over sexual anxiety. The only things that will help are situations that make you feel emotionally secure. That means you have to develop your confidence with a real person who gives you feedback that they are happy to be there with you - not somebody who is jaded with sex and has devalued it to a mechanical transaction that disgusts them at heart.

Did I mention, BAD IDEA?

manchacat

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #110 on: July 15, 2019, 12:11:04 PM »
maybe checking out stuff like taoist sexual practices may help,  check the multiorgasmic lover by jim benson for example, or other stuff like that, search sexual kung fu, taoist sex, tantra, etc,  from what i read, you have no interest in going back to porn ever, which means half your battle is already won

i think you are familiar with mindfulness? if not check shinzen young work, it´s very good.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #111 on: July 23, 2019, 06:43:31 PM »
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD IDEA!!!

Don't do this! It's appalling advice. Sex workers do not provide a natural or supportive environment for getting over sexual anxiety. The only things that will help are situations that make you feel emotionally secure. That means you have to develop your confidence with a real person who gives you feedback that they are happy to be there with you - not somebody who is jaded with sex and has devalued it to a mechanical transaction that disgusts them at heart.

Did I mention, BAD IDEA?

@jorge2166 I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my thread. But honestly, I'd rather just go without than ever seek out a prostitute. Yes, I want to experience having successful sex. No question about that. However, there are other things that I have now realized that are of a greater importance that I want for myself such as actually being able to share affection and feel close to a woman for the first time. Sex I hope would definitely be a part of that experience but, it's not something that I desire above all else.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2019, 06:47:01 PM by MinneapolisGuy »

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #112 on: July 23, 2019, 09:29:25 PM »
maybe checking out stuff like taoist sexual practices may help,  check the multiorgasmic lover by jim benson for example, or other stuff like that, search sexual kung fu, taoist sex, tantra, etc,  from what i read, you have no interest in going back to porn ever, which means half your battle is already won

i think you are familiar with mindfulness? if not check shinzen young work, it´s very good.

I will definitely look into that. Thank you for the advice.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #113 on: August 07, 2019, 10:06:07 PM »
Bit of an update. I just went out on a date with a girl 2 days ago and it went great! We spent 6 hours together. She said she had an excellent time with me and looks forward to seeing me again soon! I've actually mentioned this same girl briefly before a while back when I said I was talking to her and later noticed that I had some precum in my underwear afterwards. I actually noticed this happened again after our date too!

I've also noticed that since then, I've seen more precum in the morning and seem a little bit more responsive than I have been lately also. In addition to that, I've also made it to my latest 30 day streak of nofap. I feel bad that my current streak isn't much longer than this as I've had multiple relapses. But so far, these last 30 days haven't felt all that difficult .

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #114 on: August 08, 2019, 02:33:50 PM »
Good stuff, man! Good luck with her!

Also, do not relapse again! Honestly, that makes things worse and worse. Eventually the efects of relapse would compound and compound in your brain and then eventually you may run of time to recover! (you know, you might get old and everything and still haven't recovered)

Keep going, personally getting close up and personal with a female was hormone inducing moment for me. Maybe the feeling of hormones was not as intense as expected, but you have to bear in mind that I was at a night club, not in the privacy of a bedroom. Therefore I expect  there will be a  lot of improvement for us, we just have to stop relapsing as now we're nearly middle aged!

Keep strong!
First Realised about PIED & first reboot: January 2017
Last PMO: August 2017
(Caused shrunk penis and even softer erection! Porn temptation instantly vanished due to shock of discovery!!)

Last MO:
August 2019
At least 1 six months Hardmode and 2 three months hardmode.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #115 on: September 06, 2019, 06:10:33 PM »
Not much of an update, but more about my current mood. For whatever reason, I've been feeling really lonely and depressed. I have moments when I feel ok and then there's others that I feel as though all I want to do is cry. I'm not about to PMO but I do recognize that these types of feelings have kept me failing over and over again because I've used it as a way to cope. Unfortunately, I've used porn as a substitute for the loving girlfriend I've never had.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #116 on: September 08, 2019, 10:21:11 AM »
I'm at a stage where I rarely feel like crying - I still feel deeply sad, but I'm hardy able to cry about it.

Life's a fucking bitch.
First Realised about PIED & first reboot: January 2017
Last PMO: August 2017
(Caused shrunk penis and even softer erection! Porn temptation instantly vanished due to shock of discovery!!)

Last MO:
August 2019
At least 1 six months Hardmode and 2 three months hardmode.

MinneapolisGuy

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #117 on: October 07, 2019, 10:12:15 PM »
How do you guys avoid falling into the PMO trap when you're feeling extrealy depressed? Virtually every time I've had a relapse, it's always involved a deep sense of depression to the point where I just want to block the pain with something and that something always ended up being PMO.

What's the best way of dealing with those emotions and never falling into that trap again?

BootLoader

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #118 on: October 12, 2019, 01:33:34 PM »
How do you guys avoid falling into the PMO trap when you're feeling extrealy depressed? Virtually every time I've had a relapse, it's always involved a deep sense of depression to the point where I just want to block the pain with something and that something always ended up being PMO.

What's the best way of dealing with those emotions and never falling into that trap again?
The answer is pretty simple, more relapse equals to more depression, it's an infinity loop. I hate the feeling of being suicidal an feel empty all the time. In our age PMO and MO are not an option. It took me ages to heal at least for myself. Just think about that and start today not tomorrow.
Porn turns a man into a scared boy.
"5-5-2016" The day I realized Ι was a PMO addict.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #119 on: October 13, 2019, 10:31:41 AM »
For me it was one deciding moment that simply killed all temptations for PMO - this was when I discovered my shrunk penis following a PMO.

It hit me so hard emotionally that it was enough to make me stop at once.

Needless to say, the last 2-3 years have been extremely stressful for me (not least because I had a stressful job). It was suicide territory stuff.   
First Realised about PIED & first reboot: January 2017
Last PMO: August 2017
(Caused shrunk penis and even softer erection! Porn temptation instantly vanished due to shock of discovery!!)

Last MO:
August 2019
At least 1 six months Hardmode and 2 three months hardmode.

mattdes

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #120 on: October 13, 2019, 11:46:40 PM »
I read you loud and clear dude. I am using exercise and meditation. My longest streak was with help from meditation. As soon as i got drunk i lost all my focus and stopped meditation. It doesn't have to be any hippy stuff. I use a guided breathing meditation. It's easy and over time it's easier and easier to block out thoughts. You feel really good after emptying your head for 10 minutes. It's a reset in itself.

mattdes

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #121 on: October 20, 2019, 02:07:24 AM »
Who are you talking to depressed and out? The original poster or my last comment. Either way it's out of line.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #122 on: October 20, 2019, 05:29:17 AM »
Who are you talking to depressed and out? The original poster or my last comment. Either way it's out of line.

Someone was posting Pr-Porn spam in this thread and he even sent me PMs about it - his posts have been deleted now.
First Realised about PIED & first reboot: January 2017
Last PMO: August 2017
(Caused shrunk penis and even softer erection! Porn temptation instantly vanished due to shock of discovery!!)

Last MO:
August 2019
At least 1 six months Hardmode and 2 three months hardmode.

malando

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #123 on: October 20, 2019, 09:06:13 AM »
Sorry, I missed Depressed and Out's post and should have deleted it because it was out of context after I had already deleted the offending users posts that it referred to. D & O was not out of line at all. The posts were very offensive and completely absurd. He is a disgruntled former member who comes back periodically to protest the cause here at RN and claims to be all about freedom and shattering myths about porn. He is now a porn-advicate because he has failed to conquer his addiction so he took a "if you can't beat em, join em" approach. I know this to be true because he used to post desperately about not being able to give up and how bad porn was. He isn't able to be permanently banned because he uses a VPN to sign up each time. I delete his posts and accounts each time I see them, but sometimes they linger for 24 hours or so if I'm busy.

mattdes

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Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« Reply #124 on: October 20, 2019, 11:07:43 AM »
Ah ok. Sorry depressedandout. I  came on the forum when i was feeling a bit weak and saw that comment and got paranoid. I hope you are doing well.