Author Topic: Trying to Save a Marriage  (Read 1642 times)

bob

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2018, 06:43:30 PM »
I remember when my wife was upset about something. It was soon after I hit rock bottom and I constantly thought her anger was about her finding out about me. However, much to my surprise it was about something comepltely different.

Being an insecure ass I offered to head home a couple of times and was told no and asked why I would think that.

So... take it honestly that she wants you around. Don't push it, be there, be attentive, and you are probably correct, allow her space. I hope in time things will improve.

You are doing great.

Peace

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2018, 07:56:10 AM »
Being an insecure ass I offered to head home a couple of times and was told no and asked why I would think that. So I guess there is progress there.  Still dealing with a bit of depression today but I am better.

I am separated from my wife, but she decided to join me and the kids on a recent vacation to the mountains.  At first she was going to come for half, then she decided to stay for the whole vacation.  She had originally agreed to stay in the same bed with me, but changed her mind once she arrived.  I got angry and asked her if she wanted to cut short her stay as per the original plan.  Stupid, but the rejection hurt.  We have a cycle of rejection and retaliation like that.  So I know how you felt.

For 2 months we did the separate beds thing before getting back together for 3 months.  We separated after that.  So I did graduate at one point from bed exile.  If you are like me, feeling loved and cared for is very much bound up with sex.  If you can though, completely release any attachment to having sex with her.  At least for me, that is really hard.  Because I have a commitment to no sex or masturbation for at least 90 days though, it releases me of that expectation.  Then, you can just be with her without any hope or disappointment.

While I don't think it's going to work out for me in the long run, that experience was liberating.  It lets you enjoy the world with someone else just as it comes instead of projecting yourself into the future through desire.

You are going through withdrawal right now, so be careful about taking your own thoughts too seriously.  Some of that anger and frustration is probably just the addiction talking.  Also, the end of a relationship doesn't have to mean the end of your recovery.  There is always hope we can recover!

newstart

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #27 on: September 04, 2018, 03:57:14 PM »
You are doing great and you are fighting for the right stuff.  Keep going.  There are people like me who are rooting for you even if we don't say it here.

Have you tried writing your wife a letter?  One that doesn't mention sex or even all the problems you two are having, but just mentions all the value she means to you.  It won't make the problems go away but it could give her a view into what she means to you right here and now.
In need of freedom from this $#!T called porn.  Why do I want it so much?!?!

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #28 on: September 04, 2018, 07:31:52 PM »
Thanks to all of you.  I agree that there will be an end to the bed exile when she is ready for it. She is as broken as I am right now and we both need to get ourselves better before we can get Us better.  I have written a couple of emails so far and a couple of letters telling her not only how much she means to me but also pledging my changed life as well.  I have told her all of the things that I am done with from before and how I hope to be different in the future but maybe another one is in order sometime soon.  Thanks for the encouragement and the ideas.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

aquarius25

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2018, 09:53:18 AM »
Sometimes the thing that is the hardest is the thing needed. The reality is time is what is needed. You have written letters and given your word but when trust is broken, when integrity is shown to be absent, you need to build that back. There isn't one big thing that will do the trick. It is all of the small things. It is you telling her you love her. You setting goals and then over time achieving those goals. It is you showing her daily that your word means something. It is integrity displayed over time, that is how trust is built. For most women they need to feel safe and trust a person before they can get sound sleep lying next to them. She feels hurt because trust was crumbled and brick by brick it will need to be rebuild. Rather than view separate beds as a punishment or sentence view it as a service and love.  See is as something you can do to show her you respect her, you respect how she is feeling, and you are wanting to do what it takes for her to feel safe. Continue to communicate. Tell her when you are struggling, not every detail, but engage her in your recovery. That way she feels like she knows what is going on. Also that way as time goes along she can see that you are trying. If you screw up, tell her right away. Don't hide it. Apologize. That will reassure her that you are being transparent and open with her. That is exactly what she needs to feel and know.

I mean this to be encouraging. Keep up the good work.

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2018, 09:57:21 AM »
Thank you for that perspective Aquarius.  I hadn't looked at it that way. I just need to keep doing what I am doing and allow her time to heal and when she is ready she will let me know. 
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2018, 01:48:03 PM »
Those are really great observations, Aquarius.  It helps to reframe the problem as serving someone by allowing them to be safe and respecting their feelings.  Thank you for helping me to be more other focused.

aquarius25

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #32 on: September 06, 2018, 09:04:32 AM »
I think that is part of marriage. I read an odd Sci-fi book a long time ago called ""The kin of atta". It was about this writer who got in a crash and had this bizarre experience on some weird island. (I like to read a lot, lol) Anyway one of the unique things about the people on the island was that for meals they always fed each other. When the man asked about this they told him,  when we feed each other everyone gets fed and there is always enough to go around but when they feed themselves people go hungry. I have always thought that was such a profound statement in such a funny book. I have often gone back to that at many points in my life. It is a perfect reflection of relationships and especially marriage. When both partners are putting the other person first then all the needs are met. The problem arises when one person doesn't. Everything falls apart. Then the other person needs to focus on their needs because they aren't being met either. You end up with both people thinking of themselves first. No marriage can thrive in that environment.  The only way to get back to center is by one person stepping up and initiating. Porn is completely about self and no one else.  By sleeping for a while on the couch or doing all of these other small acts of service you are taking the first steps to putting her needs above your own desires. As she slowly opens up to you she will start to do the same. That is how you get the marriage to a point where all needs are met because they are coming from each other. The connection that come from this is really beautiful. It is an amazing picture of real love. That is, at the very least, my opinion of marriage.

newstart

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #33 on: September 07, 2018, 04:01:02 PM »
That is super deep from a sci-fi novel.  I love it and it's true.

Chuck, I hope you are finding ways to show your love in small deeds for your wife.  I hope she sees them for what they are, a declaration of your heart to her.  A request for restoration.
In need of freedom from this $#!T called porn.  Why do I want it so much?!?!

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2018, 04:17:48 PM »
Thank you New Start I am doing just that.  Showing her that I am sorry for what I have done and showing her that I love her and am repenting for my past. 
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2018, 07:22:55 AM »
Good stuff, man.  It is great to see you keeping it up.  One day at a time.

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #36 on: September 10, 2018, 12:46:35 PM »
44 days and counting.  Looked at accountability software w/ my wife. She says she is not ready to be the keeper of that responsibility just yet.  So far I am doing pretty good it is more of a proving to her that I am not doing anything more than stopping me. I am completely committed to changing my ways for the better.  I sincerely want to be a different/better person than I have been for a long while.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

newstart

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #37 on: September 10, 2018, 01:51:00 PM »
44 Days!!

Great job Chuck!
In need of freedom from this $#!T called porn.  Why do I want it so much?!?!

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #38 on: September 12, 2018, 10:20:54 AM »
Good for you!  That's a long time.  Congrats.  :)  You are controlling what you can control.  Let go of the rest.

dlansky

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #39 on: September 12, 2018, 06:06:58 PM »
This is great stuff, chuckman. It sounds like you are really moving in the right direction. It is awesome that you are able to bring your wife into your recovery by having her there while you destroy old skeletons. My wife seemed to want me to just deal with it, which was her right since she didn't make me be addicted to porn, but it would be nice to have her be aware of the victories. Also, there may be times when you stumble across old stashes of things you'd forgotten about. Those can be triggers when you stumble upon them, but if you are able to destroy them in your wife's presence, you are less likely to be pulled back in.
Back again to make a lifelong change.

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #40 on: September 12, 2018, 07:51:32 PM »
Day 46.  This is getting tough. Had a great talk with my wife. Due to her own issues she is just numb right now.  Has no real interest in sex at all right now.  I am happy that I am back to being incredibly turned on by her after so much of the porn pushing my turn on. Unfortunately she isn't in the mood right now and is working to get herself in a better place before she can be turned on again. Patience is a virtue they say and I am trying hard to be patient.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

newstart

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #41 on: September 13, 2018, 11:58:46 AM »
Chuck, you have this.  I'm sorry she is not ready yet.  I hope you are able to find something to focus on outside of sex.

You can make 47.
In need of freedom from this $#!T called porn.  Why do I want it so much?!?!

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #42 on: September 13, 2018, 12:30:52 PM »
Thanks Newstart.  I am good today, no urge for porn but still an urge for her.  You are right I need to find another outlet other than sex for right now.  Pushing for it will only push her farther from it. 
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

bob

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #43 on: September 14, 2018, 08:13:42 AM »
Keep going chuck.

I know it can be challenging but it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Continue to support her, love her and care for her. That is the most you can do at this time. Hopefully, she will be able to heal too.

Peace

dlansky

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #44 on: September 14, 2018, 12:03:35 PM »
chuckman, The great thing here is that your desire is for her, not for the pornography. I think the fact that she is still there with you is huge, and that if you stay on this course, your marriage will heal. Gradually you will become the man she deserves, and she will see that.
Back again to make a lifelong change.

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #45 on: September 17, 2018, 10:44:30 AM »
51 Days so far today.  Pretty proud of myself.  Enjoyed a nice weekend with family and actually saw the sun for a bit on Saturday.  Now its back to gray days in the North East as Florence makes her way back out to sea!  Wishing you all a great week.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #46 on: September 17, 2018, 03:44:41 PM »
That is awesome, man!  :)  Florence pummeled us pretty hard out here.  I'm glad it has departed.  You are killing it.  51 days is a long time.  The pathways in your brain are changing.

AlexZ

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #47 on: September 17, 2018, 07:32:08 PM »
Hi Chuck!

You achieved an awesome victory at this day! Congratulations!
I had the same problem as yours with my first wife and I couldn't save that marriage. Now I'm absolutely sure that it was me and porno.
I wish you man to be patient, strong and courage. You can.

Alex

It's better to be dead and cool then alive and uncool.

chuckman23

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #48 on: October 08, 2018, 09:01:18 AM »
So it's been a while since I posted, I am now at day 72.  Things aren't totally horrible.  Still in separate beds for now.  We have a camper that we stay in and have been in the same bed there the past 2 weekends.  Tried it last week at home one night but she wasn't feeling good so that didn't work out. Still trying but I am feeling more and more like this just isn't going to work. Maybe I am just being impatient.  Reviewing my journal it seems to be a recurring theme each day.  We still don't discuss how far I have come in the process at all.  I am honestly thinking that if by the 90th day if things haven't progressed that I am going to just roll on out. The only problem is that if I go out on my own I think my recovery will be gone, I will go back to watching porn and making poor decisions about sex.

Thanks to all for the support, I will try to be on more.  Things have changed job wise to a different job that one keeps me busy most of the day and 2 affords me no real privacy at my desk.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

uncreatedlight

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Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« Reply #49 on: October 08, 2018, 10:51:16 AM »
Nice to see you back!  :)

Even if your marriage is not salvageable, you can still develop healthy new habits that help you become more peaceful and respectful.  I know that waiting can be the hardest thing to do.  You are a rock star.

My situation isn't faring much better, but I have still been able to keep up my sobriety.  Keeping you in my thoughts.