Author Topic: There and back: how I threw success away  (Read 155 times)

North_Cold

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There and back: how I threw success away
« on: July 09, 2018, 06:36:17 AM »
2 days no pmo. Well, I guess it is time to start again, and hopefully succeed this time. My story begins at the age of 11 when my brother first showed my porn. At first it didn't affect me alot, but curiosity got to me and soon I was hooked. Fast forward about 14 years to February of 2018, I watched some particularly disturbing things and realized that I had to stop. In the process of researching my issues I found this site, for one month I stayed clean. My story doesn't end there though, because after that month I relapsed. I am here today to try again to fix my issues. 2 days down, a whole lifetime to go.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2018, 08:52:42 PM »
The urges were to much for me today so I gave in twice. I guess that means I am back to square one. I am not giving up though, I went through some personal notes of mine to figure out what worked for me before. It was like when I was a kid and would get bad grades in school, my mom took away my video games. I am using the same concept, every time I give in I lose a game. If I manage to stay clean for a month I get a game back. It is kind of a ridiculous method but it is my current plan. My question today is how do you punish yourself for giving in? How do you reward yourself for clean streaks?
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

Freedomfromthedrug

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2018, 10:34:44 PM »
Hey North_Cold, I don't know if punishment is the best approach to have. If it has helped you in the past, then by all means continue. But I've noticed that punishing yourself will cause you to feel more guilty each time you fail, which in turn can make you depressed leading to more failure. I have a lot of techniques that I began to implement when I decided to quit for good. 1. Motivation: continuing to fight to stay off of it for my girlfriend and our relationship. 2. Reading articles from fight the new drug, reading books that help men in their fight against P (mostly Christian books because of my Faith), reading my Bible more often and watching videos on this site about the dangers of P etc. 3. Getting in contact with close friends who I trust and using them to keep me accountable. 4. Helping others (my brother and friends) to quit as well. This helped me stay motivated to keep fighting so that I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite.
 I decided to quit for good in October of 2017 and unfortunately lately I keep inching closer to looking at P over the last couple months. Literally an hour ago I looked up something close to it and saw more than I told myself I was going to allow. So I decided to make and account on here and start posting/having conversations with everyone to help me not slip back into being addicted.
Keep up the fight and try not to feel too guilty/discouraged when or if you fail again. The only true failure is when you give up completely. Sorry long reply  :)
« Last Edit: July 09, 2018, 10:45:01 PM by Freedomfromthedrug »

Canoside

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2018, 11:52:44 PM »
We think you give us very good information. Of course, this information can help many people.

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 08:29:02 AM »
I am back on day 2, and it has been easier this time. I have had alot on my mind though, a promotion at work and the fact I have been training a new employee. Freedomfromthedrug I read thank you for your advice, I have been looking for more ways to motivate myself instead of punishing myself. I find that it helps me to read other people's stories and offer what little insight I have to give. I know it will get harder from here so I will try to stay strong for everyone here fighting the good fight.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2018, 06:15:46 PM »
Day 3, and I am doing alright. Last night I had a struggle with my urges, but I made it through. I had to shut down my facebook, and I can't watch youtube either. It has been a struggle but this is what I signed up for, just need to keep fighting.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 04:11:58 PM »
Day 4, the urges aren't so bad today. I am feeling better than I have in a while, I don't feel disgusted with myself. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg but I will be greatful for the good days. My emotional state isn't great but I will be okay. Gotta keep fighting
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2018, 08:38:43 AM »
Day 5, I should feel great today considering my promotion and a 5 day streak. In all honesty though I am barely holding it together, I inow depression is a part of the healing process but it still sucks. I guess I will try to get an hour or two of sleep and hopefully that will help. I did forget to mention that I haven't had any urges or anything since my last post, that seems odd to me. I have been more careful about avoiding my triggers though so I guess that helps. Here's to all of us making it through this.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2018, 11:42:14 AM »
Day 6,my mood is significantly better than yesterday. I had some intense urges last night, I got up and started writing. It helped me get my mind off of my urges, so I guess I will continue writing. I am starting my new job today, my life is finally going well. I am at a point in my life where I don't need porn to make me happy.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2018, 01:46:41 PM »
Day 7, I have made it to the one week mark, so there's that. The urges last night were the most intense urges I have felt since my one month streak. I remember thinking "screw it I am giving in," then I got up and walked around my bedroom for a while and watched some tv until the urges finally stopped. It was definitely an eye opener, I had almost forgot how hard it can be sometimes. Today however I am alright, so all that's left is to keep going.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2018, 01:55:42 PM »
Day 8, the urges got to me last night and I gave in. In the past I would have used this as an excuse to relapse but this time I acknowledged that it happened and moved on. I know what my mistake was and how to avoid making it again. I am doing alright otherwise though so I will keep movin forward.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North

North_Cold

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Re: There and back: how I threw success away
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2018, 01:42:15 PM »
Day 12, so the flashback dreams have begun except it was weird. The dream's basic plot is what would trigger my urges, but the dream itself was more disturbing than anything. All part of the healing process I guess.
When used properly your pride is your greatest strength
-North