Author Topic: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad  (Read 346 times)

longtimequitter

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Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« on: June 28, 2018, 06:20:02 AM »
Hey guys,

Been on big porn binges hitting some new lows. Feeling depressed and anxious, possibly going crazy. I am also married and have 3 kids. I feel trapped in the cycle. When I quit even though sometimes I feel bad, mostly I feel better. I start to feel so good that I start watching porn again. I self-sabotage because I think I deserve to suffer because I am a bad person.

But enough of that. It's been months since I come here and I know it's not the answer. I come here when I hit rock bottom and start dreaming of a life without porn, start a journal for accountability, but it doesn't last. I don't like to sound pessimistic but I have been actively trying to quit porn for over 5 years now. I will write in here everyday for now and pray for a miracle.

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2018, 10:51:37 PM »
Day 1

I am back, can't say much changed until this point. I talked to Patrick who recommended I read "The Little Book of Big Change", which I have started to read. I also talked to Web100 who let me in on what's working for him. I locked down my phone with Kaspersky Safe Kids, and no longer have access to the web browser, play store, youtube and settings. The computer is locked down with Windows 10 family parental controls, which gives me access to only the websites I need to use and even the web browser on the kid's PS4 is pin coded. I am sure there's a way around all this if you know what you're doing, but this is the most effort I have made to restrict my access to porn. My wife is in charge of the "parent" role for all the accounts, and I am set as a "child". It doesn't make me feel good to be in this position but I only have myself to blame. I'm anxious to be so restricted but at the same time I feel a sense of relief. I want this shit out of my life so I can restore my brain to a point where I enjoy day to day activities again.

A Better Me

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2018, 09:19:59 AM »
Hey,
I feel like I am in the same place. I am married with 4 kids and I have been in the struggle now for 2 years. I have not had much success and I feel like I am out of control. I come here when I reach a point that I hate myself for what I have become. I wish I had some advice to give you, but I don't. I am in the same boat as you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that I can relate to how you feel about self-destruction. I feel like i am a bad person too. It is a struggle within and I hope that you find progress in your battle. Thanks

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2018, 10:27:04 PM »
Hey,
I feel like I am in the same place. I am married with 4 kids and I have been in the struggle now for 2 years. I have not had much success and I feel like I am out of control. I come here when I reach a point that I hate myself for what I have become. I wish I had some advice to give you, but I don't. I am in the same boat as you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that I can relate to how you feel about self-destruction. I feel like i am a bad person too. It is a struggle within and I hope that you find progress in your battle. Thanks
Hang in there man, none of us are alone in this struggle. I don't know if this will help but I am paying more attention to my thoughts lately and challenging some of the negative ones. Not only do I appear to be addicted to porn but also to negative thinking. Negative thoughts can make me feel worthless and that makes me use porn to feel better but it never makes me feel anything but worse. I have quit for over 30 days many times and felt a lot better than I normal but this year has been very bad. I think I did about 20 days in a row without porn or masturbation but normally lucky to get 3 days. We are in a real shitty situation with this addiction especially being married with kids. I have 3 kids myself and there's lots of drama and stress in this family life that I am sure we all experience. It makes it even harder to quit kind of like porn is the last thing I have left that I can enjoy but it's all bullshit.

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 10:30:18 PM »
Day 2

Feeling surprisingly optimistic. I think the internet blocks are going to help me out and the extra sleep at night without staying up watching porn is also be a positive thing. I hope this new attitude sticks, I really want to break free of it this time.

mousemat1

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2018, 04:37:08 AM »
Negative thinking is just a habit and, like most other habits, you can change it. In the past I was consumed with negative thoughts so I just simply set about recognising that I had them and when I had them. Then, when I noticed I was having negative thoughts, I just made myself change it to a positive one (if it was possible). It's difficult, but slowly I developed a new habit of thinking in a positive way.

You don't deserve to suffer because you are a bad man. We just suffer the consequences of our actions. There are no exceptions to this. Everything we do has a consequence. Sometimes we do bad things because we think it will make life easier for us, but somewhere along the line we'll have to face the consequences.

It seems obvious, but you can't develop PIED or become addicted to porn if you don't watch it. Watching porn has consequences. The solution is to stop watching porn. However, it's going to take time to recover and you need to understand that your brain wants it's dopamine hit.

Think of the positives! You've started a journey and the destination is recovery from porn addiction (PIED if you suffer from it). Good luck! You will feel better once it's out of your system but don't beat yourself up if you relapse. We all relapse. Just start again and make a promise to yourself that you'll do better every time!  ;)

aquarius25

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2018, 08:07:40 AM »
I would really encourage you, when you are feeling a desire to watch porn, to stop and think about what is going on. Is it stress? When was the first time you viewed porn as a way to cope with stress? Really try to look at root causes. Make declarations that you can use to refocus on what you do want in life. Example would be how porn isolates you and make you feel shame then when you are triggered stop declare that you will not feel shame, that you are an incredible person that the world needs, your kids need, then rather than isolate go and spend some time with them. If it happens at work then make a note and an intention to spend 30 mins with them later that day and plan something you will do together. That is just an example. Look at the areas of your life that porn detract from. Look at who you want to be. Sit down with your wife and make a plan with baby steps on how to get there together. If you need support reach out to her so she can help you refocus on what you really want. Porn is short sighted, instant gratification that brings long term destruction. If you can have something to remind you of this and refocus your thought on what you really want in life than it will be a lot less tempting. When my husband stopped trying to "not look at porn" and starting focusing on becoming the man he wanted to be, the man he wanted his kids to look up to and follow by example, that was when the desire for porn really left. Rather that allowing yourself to be consumed by what you can't do, try to focus on what you can do with this not in your life. Honestly, integrity (being your word), respect, joy... those are all things you can experience when you step out of shame and focus on your future.

You can do this! I know you can! Your family will be amazed when you walk in freedom! It only gets better!

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2018, 08:52:36 PM »
Day 5

Thank you both for writing, I have read over your posts several times the past few days. I am looking for recovery more than counting the days since I watched porn. That's why I joined here and not the other site where it's all about the counters, super powers and picking up. I did have PIED and then DE in the past but I recovered from that. Now when I have sex I cum too fast.

I am working on an emotional release therapy and am currently reading a habit breaking book. I believe I can break the habit of watching porn but I am not so sure of masturbation due to the biological urges. I masturbated yesterday and then had a BJ from wife a few hours after and then I masturbated a second time a few hours after the BJ. Should I focus only on quitting porn? If I don't cum for 3 or 4 days I am very horny. I notice after cumming yesterday even the first time I felt more uptight and irritable but nothing unmanageable. I think it feels better to cum only with sex but it's difficult not to release after a certain period of time without sex.

I'll continue with the porn free goal obviously but what should I do about masturbation? Maybe I can keep it to a minimum.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2018, 08:54:07 PM by longtimequitter »

mousemat1

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2018, 03:35:16 AM »
I don't believe masturbation is the problem. It's masturbation to porn which causes the problem. Other might disagree, but I just think that masturbation is a natural way of releasing tension or giving yourself a good time.

I'm only abstaining from masturbation (I have masturbated 3 times in the last 194 days) because I'm doing a hard reboot. When I recover I have no problems with introducing masturbation into my life as long as it's without porn or fantasising about porn.

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2018, 07:05:24 PM »
Day 6

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Congratulations on the 194 days, that's impressive! I will continue with the no porn path and limit masturbation as much as possible. I do have more energy when I don't masturbate but I too think porn is the biggest problem.

I have had some mood swings the past day or so but today I feel calmer. I was having weird porn flashbacks in my mind and I started to think of ways I could access porn (e.g. usb drive on extended family computer etc). That has been the worst urge so far but it fortunately did not linger too long. Today I am feeling calmer but also depressed and unmotivated. I know I must keep moving forward and accepting these painful feelings as best I can. The withdrawals seem worse than normal because I am blocked out of the internet too. I have no way to google or check out random websites. Other than this site I have completely blocked social media and news sites. It's a pretty big deal and it's not easy but I am trying to look at all of these different internet vices as their own individual habit. It seems to make it feel less overwhelming and something I can achieve. The book I am reading is a big help, giving me a more spiritual approach to ending each habit. That's what stumped me with masturbation too because it's not so much as a habit than a biological necessity. I know people say it's not true with the monks and all of that but whenever I try to do it I feel like it sends me insane until I have  wet dream about every 2 weeks. I'll check in again in a few days time and hopefully things will have settled down.

longtimequitter

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2018, 04:28:22 AM »
Day 10

Feeling bad very noticeable withdrawals. Angry and not in control of myself. Feeling some negative feelings and sadness. I guess this is the subconscious driving the physical urges to return me back to the habit of porn. I will keep riding it out, it will go away just want to get through it all this time and leave it behind for good.

weldee

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Re: Don't even care anymore but it makes me feel so bad
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2018, 01:55:06 AM »
Many of us are in this journey and i feel something that can help us is too really think and decide what is the actual cause for us to relapase. What is the actual reason that made us look at porn. For me that reason has sort of revolved over the years, initially it was pure temptation or curiosity, then later my excuse was depression and sadness or discouragement, then later it was lack of money, and much later when i have consiously taken in all these areasons and also when i have told myself many times that porn is bad and evil and masturbation too, some may decide to argue that but whether you argue it or not, PORN AND MASTURBATION ARE EVIL AND THEY ARE DEMONIC FROM THE PIT OF HELL. Anyways back to my reasons, much more recently i see that i go to porn anytime my wife abuses me emotionally, i seem to let down my guard and just decided to go watch porn and masturbate, not that i was tempted not that i could not say no or control myself but i just ignore all red lights and deleiberately consciously go for porn.

Now my point is this, identify the root cos of this evil demonic habit and remove it.  having an accountability partner could work if we are determined about it, having internet filters could work if you can get someone to install  a blocker on your fone and system so that you dont have the password to unlock it, we just have to find a way to overcome this beast.

I am married with 2kids, just yesterday i was watching prn and masturbated with kids sleeping beside me at the sitting room. I feel this is just so bad, as it is i kinda watch porn anytime now not necesarily when i am alone or late in the night. Well the irony of it is that i feel i have more control over it now though.

This post is getting long, let me stop here. I AM NOT GIVING UP.