Author Topic: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health  (Read 2907 times)

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #50 on: July 30, 2018, 03:05:13 PM »
Humble,

I encourage you to talk to her. Maybe have her watch Gary Wilson's TED talk. You can watch it together.

This problem is built on secrecy. It makes it even more difficult to stay clean. While it may be difficult to discuss this problem, I can bet that when you tell her she will say that she knew something was going on. I have heard it again and again on this site and it was the case for me. It was a difficult talk but better than if it progresses further downs.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #51 on: August 01, 2018, 11:23:04 PM »
Logging in.  Clean and sober, although today the urges are really, really bad.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #52 on: August 03, 2018, 01:11:28 AM »
I just acted out, falling again for the two week curse!  I acted out, because apparently a dick that works for sex and a better life are less important than jacking off to shit on Reddit. 

I am figuring out how to block explicit material on my Ipad and Android because I see now that I need training wheels.  My Ipad looks like it will be the hardest because it looks like I can't disable Safari on it. 

Feel really lowsy at the moment.  I have  decided that I will tell my wife, but I want to find ways to prevent it from happening again first. 

Wonderful.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Rich
« Last Edit: August 03, 2018, 01:29:43 AM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #53 on: August 03, 2018, 02:14:33 AM »
Ipad is done.  Surprisingly, it was very easy.  I just went to restrictions under general settings and changed it to Limit Adult  content.    That didn't stop me from accessing Reddit, of course, so I just added that to websites to block.  I was very surprised at how easy it was to put up barriers on my Ipad   my Android is trickier unfortunately.  That is a problem because I usjally look at porn on my android. 

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #54 on: August 03, 2018, 03:09:53 AM »
So, I've looked and looked and there is no easy, nonconvoluted, and effective way to filter out adult material on my Android.  Great!  I feel gutted and like I will never win this fight.  I don't know if it is worth telling my wife now that I can't do anything about my phone.  Not a good idea to open that can of worms.  It would be different if all I had was my ipad and a computer.  But the fact that nothing at all can be done for my phone mames me feel that I have to just use willpower.  I can't block material.  And I wouldn't be able to prove to my wife  I was clean anyway .   It is best just to do this on my own.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #55 on: August 03, 2018, 03:39:17 AM »
I am going to fight porn and masturbation addiction by getting back into my meditation practice.  It is my birthday on Sunday, August 5th.  My birthday present to myself is to get rid of this addiction.

Reading ch

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #56 on: August 03, 2018, 08:49:51 AM »
Just get rid of your Android?

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #57 on: August 03, 2018, 10:24:04 AM »
Will do, as soon as we move back to the States.  Thanks.

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #58 on: August 04, 2018, 09:40:56 AM »
Checking in clean and sober.  My wife let me have it today for ignoring her and not soending time with her these past few weeks.  As well as what she calls emotionally abusive behaviors.  I have  to make  some drastic changes.  I am going to start by making time for quality time with her.  I won't read my books or do anything else when I am supposed to be doing that.  I will keep my studying to an hour when I get home.  Then I spend time with ber.  Big changes.

Rich

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #59 on: August 04, 2018, 11:24:26 AM »
Humble

I found these two different sites/videos that talk about blocking adult content on Android phones. I assumed that you had already seen this but it was worth a try. Might suggest that you give your wife access so she can set the password. Then you can't automatically go around the block. If not you wife, maybe a friend?

Just a thought. Thinking of you had wishing you good luck in the connections between you and your wife.

Peace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FofFGcCULl4

https://www.wikihow.com/Block-Porn-on-Android


May 10, 2018 was the end.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #60 on: August 05, 2018, 09:03:52 AM »
Checking in clean and sober for day 2.  My wife and I made up and celebrated my 32nd birthday today.  I have to say I am feeling  good.   We talked about a study schedule that was suitable and still allowed  time for us to spend time together.  As far as sobriety from porn and masturbation go I am cautiously optimistic.  I believe if I just stick to meditating in the morning and stick with it I will get through.  I declined sex tonight blaming it on being too full of cake, which I finished  off  because I am beginning a diet tomorrow and don't want extra temptations in the house.   Despite the suggestions of others, I simply feel that now is not the right time to talk about this with my wife.  We have  so much going on now, with me preparing to take teaching exams, gettimg ready to move back to the US, and hopefully getting into new careers and lives.  I really feel.that the answer right now is just to solve the fricking problem and quit.  Perhaps attending AA for more than a year has been part of it, but I have  grown a distaste for talking about problems and the past.  As for some of my wife's misgivings, I would like to work on those more head on by proactively spending more time with her and supporting her in her interests more.  I am also now going to take much more action by making more contacts in tbe teaching field and preparing for going back home.  Got a lot to do this week.  Good night folks.

Rich

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #61 on: August 05, 2018, 06:20:54 PM »
Checking in clean and sober for day 2.  My wife and I made up and celebrated my 32nd birthday today.  I have to say I am feeling  good.   We talked about a study schedule that was suitable and still allowed  time for us to spend time together.  As far as sobriety from porn and masturbation go I am cautiously optimistic.  I believe if I just stick to meditating in the morning and stick with it I will get through.  I declined sex tonight blaming it on being too full of cake, which I finished  off  because I am beginning a diet tomorrow and don't want extra temptations in the house.   Despite the suggestions of others, I simply feel that now is not the right time to talk about this with my wife.  We have  so much going on now, with me preparing to take teaching exams, gettimg ready to move back to the US, and hopefully getting into new careers and lives.  I really feel.that the answer right now is just to solve the fricking problem and quit.  Perhaps attending AA for more than a year has been part of it, but I have  grown a distaste for talking about problems and the past.  As for some of my wife's misgivings, I would like to work on those more head on by proactively spending more time with her and supporting her in her interests more.  I am also now going to take much more action by making more contacts in tbe teaching field and preparing for going back home.  Got a lot to do this week.  Good night folks.

Rich

Rich, I understand your reasoning, I just don't agree with you that a) you will fix this in isolation without telling her, and b) that she's not incurring damage from your approach.

Even when you think you've convinced her that you were too full of cake, she isn't really buying that - no matter what she says to you. It's one more rejection of sex and intimacy in a long string of rejections. If you think she hasn't accumulated a bunch of anxiety and disillusionment over this in her own head, I think you are kidding yourself.

I don't think what I'm writing here will alter your decision, but I'm giving it here for you to ponder because what it means to continue in this way is a conscious choice to keep putting your wife through a confusing and damaging process. That is on you, and any attendant damage that causes. You have to be ok with that to keep doing what you are doing. In the years I've been here, I can't even think of a married man who successfully overcame his addiction in secret. You should also ask yourself whether you are really protecting her, or protecting yourself? Is truth important in your marriage? Do you keep more secrets than you care to admit?

I'm not writing this to rag on you - I just think these are questions you need to put some serious thought into. What is your endgame, and can you wear the responsibility for the deception you are engaged in? What if she found out on her own? Or what if she did some reading and deduced that you are a porn addict? What if she asked you point blank, "are you a porn addict?" ? Would you still lie her? At what point do you come clean? At some point I can see this crashing down around you and I think you should get ahead of it now. Women will not stay in a marriage with a lousy sex life forever - and nor should they. Marriage is not an ownership certificate, it just makes it harder. She would probably already be gone if you were just dating.

Something to ponder...

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #62 on: August 05, 2018, 09:06:10 PM »
Rich,

I hate to say it but I agree with Malando. Very wise words. Remember, this thing is built on secrecy. And, I will bet that she does know more than you think. Honestly, they do.

That is not to say that talking to her would be easy. It would be anything but easy. For me, my last confession was the hardest thing I ever did  in my life. I say last as she was aware of my problem but when I hit rock bottom I knew I had to tell her the truth. It hurt. It hurt big time. But honesty is really important to drive this thing away.

Do what you have to do. We aren't trying to push; well maybe a little bit. We just want you to know that we care and that we want you to succeed.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #63 on: August 05, 2018, 09:50:30 PM »

Do what you have to do. We aren't trying to push; well maybe a little bit. We just want you to know that we care and that we want you to succeed.

Peace
Exactly, Bob!

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #64 on: August 07, 2018, 04:18:31 PM »
Checking in four days clean and sober. 

Rich

Nesssy

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #65 on: August 08, 2018, 12:21:29 PM »
I’m folowing your jurnal for a while. I just want to reflect on one apsect of waiting with talking to your wife about it.
You wrote multiple times about you’re planning to having a baby. Did you considered what will happen if she succesfully get pregnant before you break it to her?
It’s hard to take, I can tell but during pregnancy, OMG. Many shitty thing is happening with a woman during pregnancy, delivery and post delivery, mentally and phisycally either wich is hard to take without any other difficulties. Not to mention how could stress affecting the baby, your child in her belly.
If you gather your toughts and courage to tell her, I recommend you to mention her, you wanted to wait - as you feel - but don’t want to put her in that position. Believe me, it will be a sign to her about you are a responsible husband / father to be.

Good luck to you with your recovery.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2018, 12:49:00 PM by Nesssy »

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #66 on: August 08, 2018, 11:24:10 PM »
Hi Rich, I hope you don't feel like you're being railroaded out of your own journal. If you feel I'm being too harsh on you, I'll step back and exit your journal. You should feel free to say what you want to say in your own journal - that's very important. Please know that I'm really in your corner and want you to succeed. Take care, Rich.

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #67 on: August 09, 2018, 06:17:33 AM »
Rich,

I will be glad to back off as well.

I am delighted that you are here and by no means want you to feel pushed into doing something you don't want to do. The most important thing is that we support you in your recovery. You are here. You are working towards a new life, and we are extremely proud of your accomplishments and commitment.

Keep going! There are a whole gang that is behind you.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #68 on: August 09, 2018, 10:40:51 PM »
Hey Malando and Bob, and hi Nessy.  You guys didn't do anything.  I just did not have  any time to check in for the past few days.  Your experience and advice are very valuable and appreciated, so please continue to keep reading and writing.  I can use all the advice I can get.  I am still looking for the right time to tell my wife about this problem in my life, but I definitely will tell her.  Luckily (I can't say fortunately) we aren't having sex very much because it is just so rediculously hot in Korea right now and we are worn out from work.  If it gets brought up this weekend I guess I habe no option but to disclose then and there. I would prefer a smoother way to go about it.  In other news, I think I may be moving into flatline or something, because I have be next to no interest in looking at women or even thinking about sex.  Hopefully this passes soon.

7 days sober today, if I counted right.  Feeling okay.

Rich
« Last Edit: August 10, 2018, 09:08:25 AM by HumbleRich »

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #69 on: August 10, 2018, 06:25:29 AM »
Humble,

Will continue to send positive vibes cross the big blue pond to my west. Hope the days become cooler and you are able to find the right time.

Flatline will pass. Seems odd that this occurs wit us but maybe it is a blessing in the first few days of a reboot.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #70 on: August 10, 2018, 08:07:39 PM »
Writing at 9:30 on a Saturday morning.  Had another big fight with my wife last night, so I slept on the floor in the other room.  I am having a hard time even remembering what is was about.  It was just a mash of all our resentments and breaking under the pressure of everything.  Two things happened, though.  1.  I got morning word from a dream I had (it was about me and my ex; no I don’t think there is anything serious there, just all the drama in my life making me go over the highlight real).  So, I guess this is a sign my body is getting better.  I tend to wake up with morning wood by day 7.  I did end up masturbating without stimulation to get rid of it and go back to bed.
The second thing is I realized the breadth and significance of this porn addiction in my life.

It gets fuzzy when I think back more than ten years, but this addiction began, I believe in high school.  I touched on this a bit already, but I went to a boarding private school where it was virtually impossible to be sexually active.  So, I was a non-sexually active teenager with a computer and internet connection.  I discovered anime, sexualized anime, and then that led to porn.  So, the first years of my sexual existence were spent on a computer screen.

I believe this did more damage than I can possibly imagine.

So, I continued this porn addiction into college. 

I started dating my ex in my sophomore year.  I lost my virginity to her, but the night that happened I just couldn’t cum.  The sex felt great, if a little numb (compared to my hand), I was hard as a rock, as she and I had been sexually active together for a few months.  But I didn’t cum.  I had no idea why.  Neither of us were timing the sex session, but it must have been going on fifteen or twenty minutes....nothing.  I didn’t know what was wrong at the time and just considered it normal for someone’s first time.  Just a freak accident.  I ended up ending the session, stuffing my bones in my pants and rushing to the bathroom to masturbate.

Things continued on.  I eventually developed the ability to cum during sex.  And I was still using porn whenever I could.

No sign of ED at this point.  Maybe it was because I had only been using for around five or six years at this point, so my body could handle both reality and the cpscreen.

It also helped that my ex had a similar body type to the porn girls I looked at, so I was attracted to her.

I was unaware that there was any problem.  Far from having any porn addiction symptoms or signs, I usually had the opposite.

I could get hard to my ex at a dime.  In fact, I usually had the opposite problem, getting boners at inappropriate moments.  My erections were strong and healthy.

In the second year of dating (our Junior/senior year) I started using porn more and more, with no understanding why.

Habits and behaviors that started off as normal is progressed into fetishes.

I remember my ex saying “eyes up here” on our first date.  I didn’t see anything wrong with checking out her cleavage at the time, but I know now in hindsight that I had already developed a cleavage fetish by that time.  (By this time I had moved from sex porn over to downblouse and cleavage images, as well as breast focused videos,although I still watched sex focused porn from time to time.)

To this day I do not know whether I simply have a natural affinity for women with larger breasts, or whether it was my porn habit that produced that.  I do know that my obsession with women’s breasts and looking at them is the direct result of my porn addiction.

Fast forward, I ended up cold heartedly breaking up with my ex after we left college after graduating, not even trying to do long distance.

I continued to use porn.

I went to graduate school, met my now wife.  There were problems with the relationship for many reasons, but I was basically screwed up by my combination of alcoholism and porn addiction.

Still no signs of porn addiction symptoms, but I did have a problem with premature ejaculation.  That is probably a porn addiction symptom, I don’t know.

A bunch of stuff happened after that.  We broke up and got back together.

I traveled to South Korea to be with my white American fiancé.  When we started out there were still no symptoms.

Fast forward to now.  Marriage problems (my fault), but those aren’t related to porn addiction, except for perhaps emotional symptoms on my part.  Porn addiction symptoms finally caught up with me last year.  I have ED problems, I do not get hard just from looking at my naked wife or touching her.  I always have to manually get myself hard for sex, or think about porn.  At times I have actually left the room to look at porn.

For the first time I am experiencing the consequences of my porn/masturbation addiction, that could threaten to add to an already suffering union.

I have to tell her, I know I do.  I have to be honest about my porn use and that it is the cause of ED problems.

I think I am procrastinating mostly because I don’t want to find out what will happen.  Maybe I hope that I will just get better, get rid of my porn addiction and then get normal erections on my own and not have to tell her.  More the latter than the former.

And that is why any erection that wasn’t brought on by my own hands or porn is cause for celebration.

I feel that I am slowly getting better.  My body seems to be changing  with my continued sobriety (knock on wood).  I feel healthier.  But that could also be a diet that doesn’t include sugar. 

The erection this morning was a really good sign for me that I am returning back to a semblance of normal.  I don’t expect sex to happen after the fight we had last night.

Right now I am focused on being a better husband and changing my attitudes toward my wife and life in general.

Moving in the right direction.

8 Days sober.

Rich


malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #71 on: August 11, 2018, 04:11:13 AM »
Hi Rich, I can see that you are dealing with a tremendous amount of stress from unresolved issues - maybe that's why you are struggling to find the right time to speak to your wife about your addiction? It seems like you have a huge amount to sort out. First step is to make sure you work all this out in close discussion with your wife - rather than agonising about everything in your own head. Hopefully the right time will arise when you feel close enough to share your secret. The main thing is to avoid fighting and try to work as a team as much as possible. The right solutions will present themselves in time as long as you aren't wasting energy and emotions on fighting with each other.

Remember: each day is an opportunity to do things better.

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #72 on: August 11, 2018, 01:32:56 PM »
Rich,

For what it is worth, Gracie left this message on another journal. Look to me to be wise words. Might even listen/read it yourself before you decide to include your wife.

Peace

"I would recommend listening to the podcast at the top of the Partner section in the sticky area with your wife.  It is well worth the listen.   I would recommend reading Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, 7 conversations.  Great book.  Helps communication!"
May 10, 2018 was the end.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #73 on: August 13, 2018, 08:24:28 AM »
Checking in 10 days sober.  I meditated this morning and it felt really good.  I am going to keep meditating, plus I will probably start a new mindfulness book.  My wife and I worked out where the disagreements were coming from, how my temper was coming from stress.  I am starting to work with my emotions as the time to move approaches.  Trying to meditate a few times a day, as well as plenty of exercise.  I really want these outbursts to stop, and to stop starting fights.  I hope that getting back in touch with myself through mindfulness will do the trick.

Thanks,

Rich

bob

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #74 on: August 13, 2018, 08:59:59 AM »
Rich,

This may sound strange but how did you get started with mindfulness and meditation? Can you provide some background information?

Thanks
May 10, 2018 was the end.