Author Topic: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health  (Read 3364 times)

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2018, 03:46:10 PM »
I’ll think about it, guys.

Unfortunately I went to Reddit after a tough day at work.  Always the excuse.  Will get myself in order.

Rich

It sounds as if you don't have a range of options you choose from when you have a "tough day at work". As an experiment, try doing something different to your first reflex when things get tough. Maybe the first thing you should do is talk to your wife about your day and how you're feeling. You may think you shouldn't burden her with your stresses and worries, but I think it's likely to be the opposite. Porn has no doubt made you more insular, and I suspect she would welcome any increase in communication and honesty. Give it a try - it might put you on a different path, both for your addiction and your relationship.

PE30

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2018, 03:57:34 PM »
Yep, I agree. My impression is that you want to be this perfect man: no caffeine, no booze, no Facebook... And actually you're just creating a vacuum. And if you've ever carried out an experiment with an old Coke bottle and a ping pong ball, you'll know that all vacuums do is suck you in.

I hope you can find something that's better than booze, better than porn. Talk to your wife, tell her how you're feeling. Even if you feel broken and vulnerable. Trust her with your vulnerability. Don't be afraid to cry. All the best.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2018, 07:29:00 AM »
At home.  About to end day 1 clean.  Over all a great day.  I learned a little bit about my addictive patterns today.  I opened the gate a bit, allowing myself to have a tiramisu latte from the convenient store.  Before I knew it I had a bag of gummies and a coke.  It is that unconscious aspect that gets us.  I don't think I did too much damage.  I caught  myself before I binged further.  A pretty good end to a week without processed sugar.  I am.determined to continue this diet during the week, allowing myself a latte or a small desert on the weekend. 

As you said, PE30, it is not about having a perfect lifestyle.  It is about balance. 

I am actually looking forward to doing a run tomorrow morning. 

Cheers to health.

Signing out,

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #28 on: July 06, 2018, 07:31:32 AM »
PS.  Yeah, I know I am going to habe to try to replace unhealthy, unproductive reactions to stress (PMOing and binging on Youtube) to healthy ones, (meditating, if only for a minute or two, reading a book, or taking a walk).  It js all about a balamced lifestyle and health.

Thanks,

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #29 on: July 06, 2018, 10:40:39 PM »
Hello all, day 2.  And this one is tough.  I realize that I haven’t meditated yet today, and will do so after I write this.  I just feel grumpy at the moment.  My wife and I have been in a dry spell for more than a month now.  This is related to some behaviors she says I need to change, and though I understand there is a side to me that doesn’t like that answer.  That thinks I deserve sex.  A side that is very irrational and will lead me to question things.  Are my wife and I sexually compatible?  Does she not find me attractive anymore?  Did I marry the right person?

But I know that is the immature addict inside of me, the one that gets me to keep PMOing, the side that doesn’t Want to put in the effort.  I know she still finds me attractive, I know that we did have a good sex life once upon a time (and could again), and I know I married the woman I love. 

I am starting to realize, finally, that I am going to have to work to fix my marriage.  I am going to have to work hard.  It won’t Change overnight.

It has been reduced to a dysfunctional parent child like relationship.  She says she doesn’t like having to nag me to do chores, that she wants me to do more things for her without being asked, just because I want to.  And she wants to have the goofy, care free, sciemce geek that she fell in love with back.  To be honest, I have turned into a hateful, politically obsessed curmudgeon.

I have made steps to address this.  I deleted my social media accounts and no longer read about politics.  I try to avoid it when reading the news.  I no longer talk about politics. 

But I know I have to do more.  And I want to.

My wife and I talked and she said she wants to see me let go of a lot of insecurities that I don’t need.  I need to stop caring what other people think, and I know 5hat is true.  I need to just be me.

And I need to fix those other things.  Do my chores without being asked.  Look after her.

And only then, will she and ai rebuild that intimacy that we both want.

It will take a lot of work.  I need to be a man and do it.

Talking to her yesterday, my wife hinted that our lack of a sex life now is mostly due to me not supporting her in the home, but it is partly her fears that I won’t be supportive as a father.  My flaws as a husband make her question that.

At the same time she said that we can always adopt if we can’t have a baby ourselves. 

Coming back to me, I realize that PMOing is my way of self medicating.  Stopping is my way of getting myself to work for the intimacy that I want in my marriage. I have to fight for it.  My wife wants me to.

So, I have made breakfast and will do some chores today before we go out.  I will put in that work.  And i will stay healthy.

I will stop fantasizing and start working to fix my real life.

Thanks,

Rich


« Last Edit: July 07, 2018, 07:26:17 PM by HumbleRich »

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #30 on: July 07, 2018, 10:35:27 AM »
Checking out clean.  See ya'll tomorrow.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #31 on: July 07, 2018, 07:36:54 PM »
Checking in.  Unfortunately, I just PMOed.  It was after two big fights between my wife and I.  No, I haven't told her about the PMOing yet.  I don't think now is the right time.  This is my burden to bear.  The fights were about me being comtrolling and not making her feel loved.  These are things I need to focus on.  I can't do that if I am PMOing.  I need to quit. 

But I think I can quit for me, I just need to get serious.  I am sick of the sluts on Reddit, I am sick of ignoring my marriage, I am sick of my life going nowjere as I ignore everything I need to do.

I will beat this thing.  Will start fresh tomorrow.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #32 on: July 07, 2018, 11:10:14 PM »
Changes I am going to make  this week are,
1.  I am going to meditate every morning and evening
2.  I am going to eat healthy
3.  I am going to exercise daily
4.  I am going to stay off of the internet, exceot to post here and for errands or things I habe to do.
5.  I am going to make time every day to relax with my wife.
6.  I am going to focus on repairing my relationship with her, rather than focusing on sex.

I feel that these things will get me back into making progress against this addiction.

Rich
« Last Edit: July 08, 2018, 04:16:09 PM by HumbleRich »

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #33 on: July 09, 2018, 08:33:38 AM »
Checking out 1 day sober.  Meditated this morning and did a morning workout.  Had a pretty good day today. 

1 day clean ,

Rich


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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #34 on: July 09, 2018, 09:11:21 AM »
I will start by saying I know your position on telling your wife.  She notices that you are controlling and not making her feel loved. 

A lot of times, the need to control our space comes from hiding things.  Keeping secrets.  It can be how we feel about our selves, how we feel in general, it can be eating, it can be porn, or just family secrets.  But we become controlling so this "bad thing" isn't out.  And so it beomes bigger and bigger much harder to turn loose of. Because it has grown so much.  (Note: I said we because I learned this lesson in my life)

Second, as a wife, we know, even before D-day something is not right and we do not feel loved like we had been in the past.  Your wife described you from the past, that may be the last time she truly felt loved.  If you need a road map with a destination, she has just given you the destination.   (I thought my husband was having an affair and no longer liked me.) If you read the partner pages we all felt unloved.  A common affliction among the SOs.

Hope your recovery continues!!

malando

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #35 on: July 09, 2018, 12:38:10 PM »
John, I feel for your struggle, I really do. But I think your timeline is drawing you to one inevitability: you will tell your wife at some stage. The question is: when? How long do you want to torture yourself this way, with guilt, lies and fear dominating your life? I see that at this stage, you still feel you can defeat this with our revealing it, but I don't think you will feel this way for much longer. You will reach a point where you can't do it anymore. In the measures that count, your wife already knows the magnitude of this problem - all she is missing is the specifics. But getting the specifics might not be as bad as the confusion she has now. Remember this is not just about you, it's about what's good for her, and what's good for your relationship.

Again, I know you aren't ready to tell her yet, but I believe you are on that path - the only question being when, and hopefully from your mouth and not from her own discovery. Better to come from you in the first place than to have to open up about something she figured out herself. You know, she has the power to use google and figure this out? We all found our way here using google for our symptoms. Don't exclude the possibility that she's doing her own research and that she won't figure this out. At that point she might ask you directly: "are you a porn addict? you are showing all the symptoms", at that point, will you confess, or try to deny it? Or she might track your behaviour and catch you in the act. Then there can be no denial. Unless you think your wife is not intelligent, any of these scenarios can occur. That's why we advise you to confront your fear - it's to save you Rich! You're struggling so much, that is clear to see. You've got to find a way past this intolerable strain of addiction and concealment.

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #36 on: July 10, 2018, 09:10:44 AM »
Checking out on day 2, clean and sober.  Good night all.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #37 on: July 10, 2018, 01:19:21 PM »
Echo what Gracie and Malando said. As difficult as it was for my wife to hear the truth about my addiction (and subsequent affair), there was a strange relief in the process. She actually thought I was gay for a while...
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #38 on: July 11, 2018, 09:19:46 AM »
Checking out clean and sober. 

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #39 on: July 12, 2018, 09:56:08 PM »
Hello all,

Still here  and still clean and sober.  Planning on endomg tbe week sober and comtinuing forward.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #40 on: July 13, 2018, 09:00:04 PM »
Hello all,

10:20 am on a Saturday morning and I am sat down with a cup of tea making breakfast.  My wife got called in to work today, so I am going to be cleaning the house while she is gone.  I got on immediately today to talk about some really weird stuff that has been happening after a week of being clean.  I woke up this morning while having dreams about myself and one or two high school crushes.  I have no idea what this means.  And this is part of why I don't feel comfortable disclosing my continued problems with porn, and my difficulty maintaining sobriety with my wife.  I would NEVER EVER cheat on my wife.  I did cheat electronically with her while we were dating, which is why I followed through when she told me to delete individuals I flirted with, cheated with, online while she and I were dating, after I deleted Facebook recently.  (I am not on any other social media.)  I realize what a huge mistake cheating was.  It was during a time when I was doing a lot of stuff I shouldn't be doing, and in a bad place, though that is not an excuse.  I was a full fledged alcoholic when she and I met and dated in graduate school, drinking every night or every other night.  I was off and on with her because of my difficulty with commitment and my difficulty dealing with my feelings for her and wanting to get settled down.  A part of me resisted the idea of courting my future wife, and wanted to be a bad boy or something.  I don't know.

All I can really guess is that these dreams are a response to me giving up porn, erotic images, and masturbation.  But what if it is more than that.  I do feel resentment, entirely separate from my relationship with my wife, before and after getting married, from not getting much action in high school.  Are my old insecurities back to haunt me now that I am no longer drowning them with constant porn-based lust activity?  To explain, I went to a tiny boarding private high school where it was virtually impossible to be sexually active.  Students were banned from entering dorms that housed the opposite sex.  Some students did find ways to do the dirty by doing it in other locations on campus, or by going on summer vacations together, etc.  But I never found that appealing.  The single girl that I dated during my years there approached me, but our relationship ended up sizzling out after little more than three or four months over the inability to have any sort of sexual relationship.  When I look back now I think that going to this high school, though it did wonders for me, ended up setting me back for years.  It turned sex into this alien thing, that I would not experience until I was a Junior in college, losing my virginity to my then girlfriend.  Sex became this thing I always wanted, something I put on this weird pedestal of things I wanted to achieve, but simultaneously seemed out of reach.

At the same time I had horribly bad social skills and so had a very hard time approaching girls I liked.  Not that, again, these relationships would have lasted due to the almost impossibility of having sex.  I would find out much later, when I started talking to these girls again in college (while I was single, before meeting my ex girlfriend, and then my wife) that several of these girls would have agreed to date me.  This only made me feel more shitty (for lack of a better word) for not asking them out.

This all led me to be horribly screwed up, in my opinion.  I had virtually no experience romantically between the two adult relationships I have had (my wife and my ex girlfriend).  My wife pointed out to me once, that I have only had one adult relationship, with her.  She defines adult around behavior, like the other 90% of people do.  That we live together, have been in a long term relationship, and were preparing for marriage.  I, of course, define adult around sex.  Obviously one of these ways is better than the other.

I can't help but think though, that that is not the whole story.  I do remember that the first time I acted out to porn was in high school.  In my dorm room I would masturbate to dirty anime (light porn) or porn I could find online.  I started my porn addiction way back in high school, which means I have been a porn addict for around about 15 years.  That really says something to me.

What if my problems talking to women were the result of my porn addiction, not the other way round.  I am not saying that my lack of a romantic history was solely caused by porn addiction.  I did start high school, after all, not being addicted to porn.  But I think that I got on the computer, or looked at magna, as an escape from my lack of social skills.  Instead of improving my social skills, and approaching girls, I masturbated in my room.  Before I knew it, the ball was set rolling and I was in the viscous cycle that would rule my life.

But those days are behind me, my rational mind says.  Those days are long gone.  I am a happily married man, in an epic quest to understand my wife and live the best married life I can.

Which is why I hope that I am right.  I hope that these are simply symptoms of my porn addiction of more than a decade trying to pull me back in, and not signs of a much deeper, more severe problem. 

My rational mind knows that I am a very lucky man, for my life to have turned out this way.  Married, with a good job, and a teaching career on the horizon.

I would be insane to rock the boat. 

I am fairly certain that there is nothing deep about these dreams I keep having.  I have not cheated electronically since long before my engagement to my wife, more than three years ago.  I have accepted the realities of married life, that I am a taken man.

The insanity of my past will die and wither away.

In other news: I am undecided about whether to bring up my ongoing troubles with porn addiction to my wife.  I feel it would be much better to tell her about success overcoming an addiction, than to tell her I am having difficulty overcoming it. 

Maybe I am just procrastinating.  I don't know.

Anyway.  That was way more than I planned to write.  But that is what this is here for.

Be back later.

Checking out, 6 days sober. 

Rich


aquarius25

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #41 on: July 15, 2018, 03:21:40 PM »
I just want to point out a few perspective shifts for you to mull over. You most certainly don't have to agree I just thought if I put them out there they might help you in seeing things from a different perspective. First, viewing yourself as a "taken man". I used to view my husband this way and I am sure he did the same. One thing I realized though this experience is that nobody is "taken". Even though we are both married, the marriage license doesn't keep him from finding someone new. He chooses me and I choose him. We do this every day. I choose for him to be my partner and to do life with. He chooses me. A lot of partners view porn as a form of cheating because it is one person in a partnership, hiding and withholding truth in order to seek sexual gratification from another source that is not their spouse and purposefully making sure that their "partner/spouse" doesn't find out. Experience a sexual gratifying experience outside of the marriage union. When I look at these two things I realize and have talked with my  husband (he shares this thought) we both realize that porn is (at least for us) a form of not choosing your spouse. It destroys the partnership. The only way to heal the partnership is by allowing your wife to actually be an informed partner.

Each day my husband gets up and chooses not to look at porn, to not seek relationships with other women in person or lots of other things, he is choose me as the center of his affection. Each day I do the same. Marriage is built on years and years of continuing to make this same choice. One day at a time. Its not an obligation, its an opportunity to choose to love someone and grow old with them. There is no missing out or thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. It is a matter of getting the opportunity, watering your own lawn and making sure the grass is greener in your own marriage! 

I mention this to be encouraging to you!

HumbleRich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #42 on: July 18, 2018, 04:19:27 PM »
Checking in clean and sober this beautiful morning.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #43 on: July 18, 2018, 08:59:34 PM »
Updates: still clean and sober, but the urges to hop on over to Reddit are real!  I did binge Youtube videos (none sexual in nature ), and that might habe something to do with it.  I am thinking that I might take a detix from Youtube for a week or two.  It may be good for me.  I did notice,  entirely separate from this porn.addiction, that I have been having trouble with reading comprehension in more difficukt articles .  I was reading my Scientific Amerucan this morning and my eyes glazed over.  I am usually a very active reader, so all I can think is that my binging of Youtube recently has made my brain lazy.  It is time to get off Youtube fir a while to get that reading strength back.

Clean and sober, but having cravings.

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #44 on: July 20, 2018, 05:58:59 AM »
Feeling better today.  Did some reading and I was back to normal.  Just need to get off of the Youtube.  Besides that, I had some epiphanies today while I was out doing errands, but I will let them cook longer before I write about them here.  Clean and sober. 

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #45 on: July 20, 2018, 07:49:47 PM »
Back to the starting line.  I binged on Reddit erotic sites last night and this morning.  Set the bar back to zero. 

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #46 on: July 22, 2018, 03:53:08 AM »
Humble,

I will add myself to the column that says, BE HONEST WITH YOUR WIFE!

She know something is going on. She can sense it. Marriage is a relationship with two people. You work together to solve problems. Porn's power comes from its shame and secrecy. Don't let it control you. Have the guts to open up and let her know what is going on.

Maybe just have her view Gary Wilson's TED talk. You don't have to tell her (right away) that this is your problem. Approach it as something of scientific interest.

We are pulling for you.

Peac

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #47 on: July 28, 2018, 09:16:24 PM »
Still here.  A week sober.  90 Days sober of alcohol.  Let’s get those kind of numbers for this addiction!

Rich

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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #48 on: July 30, 2018, 08:01:40 AM »
Checking in clean and sober.  Heading into my second week of sobriety, so about day 8.

May have to end up telling wife.  We had sex after not havingndone it in a while and I had a hard time getting it up.  I had to do it manually musekf.  This surprised me as I am more than a week sober of porn.  I did masturbate without porn twice last week.  I am masturbating less and less without visual stimulation.  I blamed not having sex for a while for problems.  Hopefully I won't have  problems when we have sex this weekend. 

Thinking about how to go.about telling her, but it would be nice to have a fully clean conscience .

Also, she and I do plan on trying tk bave a baby again soon, so I need to habe the problems gomaway sooner rather than later.

Rich


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Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« Reply #49 on: July 30, 2018, 10:01:21 AM »
Hey there. I would say knowing what has happened to my marriage- we are now in the process of separation my biggest regret is not telling my wife. We now are too far down the line and she would not support me if I told her now. You can however, your wife wants a baby and a happy life. Don't let your shame rule you as it has done to me. Get it out and get the support you need from your partner- the only way is to do it together.