Journals > Women

Day 1

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bloom7:
I've been battling porn since I was in the 2nd grade. Its been long and awful and I'm still struggling with it. I watched porn today for the first time in a month. I was doing so good and then I felt the urge to watch and the next thing I knew I was 30 minutes deep into porn. I just feel like I can't control myself when my mind starts to think about it. Currently out of ideas on how to quit.

67reboot:
Hey there and welcome, you are in the right place for information and support. How to quit? There are lot of ideas in here, my blog is a journey with my therapist so you can read about what she suggests.

Fore me, facing the ruin of my marriage, quitting has involved the following.

1) Being caught by my wife ... yes the shock / horror / embarrassment / humiliation is a wake up call and motivator.
2) Seeing a sex addiction councillor .. was the start of the road that lead to here.
3) Actively participating in this place and writing a journal, every day, this gives the good side of your brain a daily "jolt".
4) Get fitter .. good work out always helps when you are horny.
5) Stay busy .. They say the devil makes work for idle hands .. its true, start new hobbies get all that stuff done.
6) Don't give up if you relapse .. re-read your journal as to why you want to stop, even discuss in here for support.

Good luck every one in here is rooting for you!

67

bloom7:
Thank you for the suggestions and the support. I've felt so alone during all of this, so it's nice to finally have a small community that understands. I hope all is well for you 67Reboot.

Day 2:

Today was good until the end of it. I stayed busy all day trying to keep my mind off of things. At the end of the day I screwed up again. Felt worthless for a couple hours, and now I'm here. What's keeping me going right now is the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day.

My plan is to go into tomorrow confident. I'm going to stay preoccupied all day if I can and hopefully I won't mess up again.

I don't want to be this person that I currently am right now. I want to have control over my life and what goes on in it. I want to feel a sense of joy when I wake up in the morning instead of dread. Tomorrow is a new day. Time to start fighting for the new me.

bloom7:
It's been a few days. I've been good since the last time I updated. I'll admit this is very hard and temptation often fills my thoughts, but I'm managing. Progress. I'm having progress.

bloom7:
It's day 14 for me. Since my last post I've screwed up once and wanted to a million times more. I've never really opened up to anyone about this stuff...so maybe that's why I'm still stuck in the same place. I tried to open up to my best friend once and I couldn't do it. I mean I got some of my story out but then I saw the look on her face. It was the exact reaction that had prevented me from telling anyone before her and it's the same reason I won't talk to anyone now.

Usually I keep my mind occupied with music, but lately I've been in my head. I haven't even touched my guitar in almost two weeks. I normally play that thing constantly. I usually work out everyday as well but that's not happening either. I feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I'm just so angry. I've never been quick to anger, but lately I feel like it's the only emotion I'm feeling. I know it's because I'm keeping everything bottled up inside, but I can't tell anyone anything. I feel like I can't breathe when I even think about talking to someone about this.

And I'm left here stuck. Don't really know what my next move is going to be. Maybe I just need to run it out. I might try that, but I just really don't know what to do.

Wish me luck.

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