Author Topic: No more blunders  (Read 398 times)


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No more blunders
« on: May 29, 2018, 06:24:52 PM »
Day 0 / 90

In chess, a "blunder" is when the player gives an advantage to the opponent without reason. For example, trading a queen for a bishop.

Two days ago, Sunday 05/27 I wrote some deep shit in my notebook before sleep. Things like "I know I'm buying a lie but I don't know any better".

This probably will be the crappiest journal I've ever made since I started journaling reboots. But this one will work.

I drink too much coffee. I play games too much, I don't exercise, my self-worth is the lowest, I have hatred towards my own person, because I hate the way I behave.

I've been doing blunders in work, I've been doing blunders in chess, I've been doing blunders against my own plans. I've blundered life.

A few days ago I decided to give up again. Only to find myself missing my discipline and self worth I had during NoFap. The strangest thing: when I PMO I think of the way I behave when I don't. And when I don't PMO, I am constantly thinking about girls, lingering for games or wanting to waste my time on some useless shit.

So I gave up. I spent real bucks on that game. The one that triggered me a lot to PMO. I made a decision on impulse. Let's let that money as thrown away before I lose even more.

Look, I relapsed Friday, 05/25/2018 and it took me only 4 days to see that PMO is not the solution. I PMO today to my best hentai and it was... how can I put it... Uninteresting?

I think I missed it, but I didn't miss PMO that much? I gave in to rationalizations in my mind, and let my impulses control me again to do something I committed to not doing and that I didn't really wanted to do. Lies.

Yesterday I knew for a fact that a girl I've been fancying is onto someone else. I was thinking of asking her out. I guess that's not happening. While I was thinking, someone else was acting.

The best advice I have in life I got from an eroge. "A man has to be all about action". It's time I start to read some serious books to have proper and well thought advice on my life.

When I was a 12 year kid my church mentor asked what everyone wanted from life. Someone said something stupid like "money" and everybody followed, I was the only of a group of 8 boys who said "wisdom". I, with 12 years wanted to be a sage. Well, let's follow that path and see where it leads me?

PMO? Games? What a joke! That's so cheap! That's not life!

I didn't PMO to the game anyway, but I don't know if I'll still play that game. Quitting game is the hardest of everything. I watched real porn today and was turned off by it. Disgusting. But somehow I can't quit games and playing games always lead me to hentai?!

My best shot is with chess. A neutral game. No naked women figure.

I want what I'm struggling for 2 years to achieve. 90 days PMO-free. Every time I said I don't really want it is a lie. I want it. I committed to it. Everything else is a lie. It took me only 4 days to figure that PMO is not an option anymore in my life. My eyes are open, I can't comfortably sit in the dark and fap and hold my breath like a ridiculous homunculus anymore. Holding my screams so nobody hears it. So pathetic.

I just wanted to get this off my chest before I sleep. I'm not sick or anything. If I sleep well and eat well I don't feel that bad after PMO, even though that energy would and shall be more well employed with regular exercise. My body is ugly and nobody is seeing if my penis is fit. It's uglier by the day. Let's give it a rest and exercise other parts of my body.

I will keep counting the days but I will loosen a bit on posting here. It doesn't have to be daily. Once a week should be enough, but I can post whenever I want. This is better than setting up a too rigid schedule that I know will demotivate me to continue.

I don't know what to do about Vere. I think I lost her. Fuck. It's been so long since I was with someone I really like! Vivian had her share of joy when telling me how engaged Vere was and asking stuff that I didn't want to hear. I should have left the room, really.

I felt way less lonely when playing the game though. But still. Damn.

NO! It's fucking boring, endlessly boring, it's not real interaction, the game is super slow and putting cash on it was a big mistake! Much better if I learnt Scientology, studied one of the courses I bought (yeah you spent money on that too) or played chess!

Let's get it clear:

* I'm quitting PMO today.
* I'm quitting online games. I'm quitting specially that one game I've been playing LOA.

Instead of PMO I will meditate. Instead of LOA I will play chess. Instead of coffee I will drink tea.

It's okay if I find some online spaceship game or similar but I really should be doing something productive like exercising, studying or reading.

Read for fun is not very easy. I asked people on the job today and people usually don't read. People usually don't do NoFap too. Well, it turns out I'll do both which makes me a fucking legend.

Let's do this.