Author Topic: Journals to the light.  (Read 338 times)

abetterfuture

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Journals to the light.
« on: May 21, 2018, 09:43:46 PM »
Hi,
I am new and old in this forum. I found out NoFap since 3 years ago. I felt like a rock hit on my head. However, it's just impossible to be completely free from porn on my own.

Even though having NoFap at the back of my mind, it just doesn't work!

I accidentally watched my uncle's porn when I was 8 or 9. From there, I started browsing explicit pics and then a classmate lent me his dad's porn. Never stopped and never thought I would be stopping until 3 years ago after knowing the consequences of high speed internet porn.

In the past 3 years, the maximum record was 60 days without an organism. I experienced withdraws and felt the benefits of NoFap. However, it felt like a trap that I couldn't never run away from it.

Porn is like one giant stain dot at the back of my body that I have to hide it all the time in my life! The feeling of being a hypocrite is just unbearable. Also when I had 2 or 3 weeks porn free I felt like a superman but when I relapsed I felt like a zombie.

I wish it would just be gone completely from my life!

I'm on Day 2 again. Hope anyone out there could be an accountability partner to help each other out!

Thank you all. Hope this is a good start! :)

« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 09:02:44 PM by abetterfuture »

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2018, 08:17:26 PM »
Day 3

Guilty and shame feelings are disappearing. Feeling a little bit up :). I know the urges will come soon but like the others said do it on a daily basis. If I can success for each day, I can do this then.

** Tidied up my room in a long time. Feeling so good afterwards.

Let's beat this monster! @#%#$#$^
 >:( >:(

mark098i

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2018, 08:54:54 PM »
Stay strong. It's all a mind game. Keep your brain occupied and a month Flys by.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2018, 09:00:06 PM »
Day 4

Had a sweet dream again not a wet one. There were good friends together simply enjoying good time together. Feeling tired a bit and the day just goes forever slow sometimes. Had flashbacks a few times but were able to control it. I guess the more difficult times are coming as heading towards day 7 and day 14 but for now I only care what I can do to pass today!

Thinking about the benefits and a better future what it can bring at the end of the journey is definitely a great approach. Just let me pass today please! >:(
« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 09:05:36 PM by abetterfuture »

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2018, 05:36:35 AM »
We're supporting you man keep going. I'm also in the day 2 and I was losing my faith about my tries and somehow with luck, I've come across nofap lead me even here currently watching reboot videos.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2018, 08:50:51 PM »
Day 5

Thanks for the support guys! It really encourages me going.

Last night was painful cause I had a wet dream(more like a nightmare). Had this dream for a few times like other Nofapers experienced. I think it just reflected how my f****KINGGGG addiction is like. In the dream, I was watching YouTube and the porn sites just kept popping up and I could't even close it!!! They could't be closed and just stayed there and I felt helpless.

I was so panic and couldn't do anything about it but doing PMO in the dream. Damn it!! There was some terrible stuff about P in the dream that I had never even watched it in real life. @%#$!!!. (Must be some Ads pop-ups that my brain just remembered subconsciously or it could be that my brain just got some funny rewiring going on.) I woke up at 4a.m. with a wet underwear( :-[).

So frustrated and terrified. Had a urge to PMO but remembered Gabe said wet dreams are normal and you dont need to reset your day counter so I was able to put it all together.

I listened to some classic music just to make me feel normal and relaxed.

I think this "Monster" hiding inside of my brain just started to show up! F**K!

I just want to kill it and smash its body!

Hope I could turn all the anger here into energy to keep fighting and winning. If I am still fighting in this battle, I'm not losing and I will win!!  If I stopped fighting, there will be only losing waiting.

Let's do it man! >:(


« Last Edit: June 02, 2018, 04:23:55 AM by abetterfuture »

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2018, 06:36:07 AM »
Hey man,

It's really good to hear that you overcome this monster and dealt with the urge congratz. keep going!! 

KnewNes

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2018, 09:22:09 AM »
Youve got this bro, u like me started fairly young. I first saw porn at the age of 6 while watching movies really late one day and somehow coming upon the channel. I later got back into after a friend showed me a site at school around 16 where u could DL videos.That led to me discovering a whole new world, id use the high speed internet at school and then id come home after downloading videos to my jumpdrive because our dial up was too slow.

Youve got the support here, we all need to support each other

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2018, 07:31:38 AM »
Day 6

Urges are coming up today. Played some basketballs last night but my teammates were so terrible with defending. I got so upset and on the way back I wanted to FAP. Then I thought what's the relation between P and my dumb random basketball teammates??!! Why I need to beat up my p for a game by watching some brain-damaging P !@#!?!

Also saw lots of girls wearing short shorts and mini-skirts on the street today and they were like triggers to me. F****   I think I can't control how others would dress but as least I have to control my mind to not think about it which could lead to a relapse. (Any one who has good strategies regarding this?)

However, reading others' encouraging comments and writing down all my thoughts I had during the day are so much helpful to figure my mind out and regain my sense to go on with the battle.

I have been sleeping a bit late in the last couple of days which may contribute to my lack of mental energy so it's something I need to improve.

It's going to be a week now so I have to remind myself here how much I want to do NoFAP. I want it to be the most urgent thing to achieve right now!! So just a reminder here! >:(

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2018, 09:13:03 PM »
DAY 8



I had super strong urges this morning with lots of flashbacks. :-[
Feeling a little bit improved at day 8 but I know that this is the dangerous trend. I have to keep vigilant just like day 1 or 2. If I let off my guard, I will probably slip into the PMO cycle again. So I have to keep writing journals until 90 days at least.

Week 2 is quite scary cause it's like the stage where your brain constantly telling you that this is it you need to get back to your old cycle!

Anyway, today is successful so that's all I care. Plan to play basketball later. Gonna have my exercise routine back. :)

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2018, 07:01:46 AM »
Hey Man,

It's great that you resist the urges even if they're very tempting. Exercises are great I've also started to GYM again and basketball is great for getting exhausted which might be the key point of good sleep without calling nasty thoughts.

Peace

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2018, 08:14:11 PM »
Day 9

Feeling much better with daily life. Though I had trouble getting sleep last night, I then remembered the reboot tricks that it's not P which can make you sleep, it's the P that caused your insomnia. It's just a mind game. I have to remember it's all about P which is responsible for all my crap!! Then I can be determined to get rid off it.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2018, 08:55:29 PM »
DAY 10

WOW! Can't believe it's day 10 now! 9 of them to go!

Last night had a relapse dream again. There was this guy who lent me the first P appeared in my dream and gave me a hard drive which contained lots of P. I was trying all the things I could to find a perfect chance to watch it in the dream but couldn't find one and suddenly realized that I was doing NoFAP haha! Then I woke up.

It's a different feeling right now to keep writing the journals. It's more about analyzing my own thoughts and keep them clear what they are and to know myself better and to make a room to become better.

Thanks for the opportunity this forum provides which could make it possible for me to write it out all my darkest secrets and also to be healed eventually. Also the support for each other is so helpful.

Let's keep fighting!!!

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2018, 08:01:45 PM »
Day11

I think I'm heading into a flatline stage.Feeling like a zombie right now. The good thing is that consciously I know I'm still doing the great thing. I have to remind myself all the negative consequences of PMO so that I can be alerted all the time.

Today is a gloomy day but tomorrow wont be. Bring it on. !!!

Recovering1

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2018, 02:44:51 AM »
Great work man! I know how you feel. I've been way down in the dumps myself (emotionally speaking) but everyday gets a little better, and every day I put between myself and PMO feels like a little victory. Just keep fighting and winning those small battles and eventually we'll win this war. Thanks for sharing.

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2018, 06:12:03 AM »
Almost two weeks wouw :) congratz man keep reminding yourself about the good sides of quitting and going away from PMO. You can handle this we're supporting you!

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2018, 10:32:14 PM »
DAY 13

It's almost two weeks now. It's heading to where I relapse the most. Like others said thinking ahead where and when you are easily relapse would help. I'm planning to watch some nofap videos and educational videos on nofap today to get ready for these few days as passing two weeks' mark.

Felt strong cravings yesterday as I was alone. Quickly I figured out why I had the craving it was because I was so bored and didn't have plans for the next couple of hours. I was having a day off yesterday. I forced my mind to start get busy then I got over that.

Had stronger morning wood and still a few flashbacks but was able to control my mind to think something else. The urges are still present. However, I can feel a clear boost in my confidence level which is a very good feeling to keep me going. I can't wait to see how would I be after day 90!!

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2018, 08:41:19 PM »
DAY 15

I experienced the worst craving ever since the journey. I was on day 14 yesterday and I had a wet dream the day before I felt like I relapsed but which I didn't it was just a dream! I had so many thoughts that I just wanted to turn on my laptop and check out all the P!! Then I realized that I was just so bored on a Sunday afternoon. It was all about endless curiosity that P created which got people so hooked. I was trying so hard to come back with a strategy to combat but none I could think. Then I thought about this journal and nofap videos so I watched one youtube clip about one guy talking about how much the addiction ruined his life. I finally got my sense back to keep fighting. About 4pm, I decided I need to work out. It helped a lot. Anyway, this was how I got through day 14 cause I often relapsed on day 14 but not this time!! Just let me keep fighting.

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2018, 03:06:36 AM »
Hey Man,

Sundays are very hard days I totally agree, especially if you're alone in the home nothing to do. I was also in the same situation somehow got into the rabbit hole of social media again and saw provocative pictures but at that moment I started to apprehend all that effort will be nothing if I continue what I'm doing right now and recalled about this journal too and read some posts.
So I want to congratulate you and thank you as well for being a part of my escape behaviour and showing that it can be done.


abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2018, 08:30:57 PM »
DAY 17

This morning I almost relapsed. I didn't even know how I went through. The thought in my mind was so clear that I wanted so much to check out this particular P star's new videos(this has always been the trigger cause every time I just relapsed badly to 20+ taps with different girls. So checking out one particular girl is just an excuse my mind comes up with). I guess it was because I just watched full yourbrainonporn lecture  again as a reminder the day before. Gary Wilson said you just want IT, doesn't matter what IT is. I thought what was this it? Then I realized I was addicted not because I really care how those P stars going.......

I never got obsessed with movie stars and singers and I often laugh at those people who got obsessed and who kinda like addicted to them, yet I'm addicted to P stars.......   What the heck!!

I have to make a specific plan for this dangerous morning wood period. Lying on the bed and fighting by my own mind just simply wouldn't help much. I need to think ahead and make a plan for tomorrow.

TheRealProof

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #20 on: June 06, 2018, 10:51:57 PM »
you guy, youve made real progress man. Keep up the good work. Following your progress closely
Remind me of who i was and why i will not go back

mert

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #21 on: June 07, 2018, 03:29:53 AM »
Congratz man, it's awesome for you to realise and embrace you're addicted to specifically that p star.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #22 on: June 07, 2018, 10:35:36 PM »
DAY 20

Damn it! I have to confess that I gave in for this F*K P star but it wasn't a total relapse on DAY 19. I watched her new movie for like 45 mins in the morning on my tiny mobile phone (computer is locked, tablet is controlled) and I felt confused and numb at the beginning and the feelings later were so complicated. At least the good part was I could feel the fighting was going on while I was watching. One side of my brain was telling me I was heading to a total relapse while the other side was just like forcing me to keep checking until it ended. Then I checked another one and I started to M... I knew I was going to have a total relapse but I stopped there(Now I just felt luck). I remembered to try cold shower cause so many people were talking about it on the web. The curiosity of trying cold shower actually won...... So I tried.. I stopped on the spot and went to work. However, the shit came afterwards was like unbearable!! I almost wanted to open up bowers to watch P at work! The craving lasted the whole day!! F*K! The thought I had at work the whole day was just one - go home asap and open up 20 tabs and finish the whole PMO. Luckily I had something on that night with some friends.....  The fire was finally put off....

I watched another nofapper's video which says 'if you climbed up 100 stairs and you fell one, should you keep going down another 99?'

It made me feel a bit better and I guess it stopped me from binging. The feeling after watching P even a little while were crazy. It's like you awake this monster and start running for life. It was insane. I guess it was a lesson learned this time. It was scary! F*K. The rush was like a demon-possessed.

I don't think I will reset my day counter if I do I will probably just binge cause it would be day 0 anyway. I know the journey will be bumpy. Let's wait and see what's coming next.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2018, 08:44:04 PM »
Day 0


I watched P for 3 hours this morning No O cause didn't want to waste my energy. Damn it! but now I feel like zombie.

abetterfuture

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Re: Journals to the light.
« Reply #24 on: June 15, 2018, 01:20:43 AM »
Damn, I PMOed after 25 days..  :-X     :-\ :-\

Let's start it again.

At least I could analyse how it happened!