Author Topic: Quitting porn  (Read 97 times)

klassik

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Quitting porn
« on: May 17, 2018, 11:04:07 PM »
Hi guys,

I've read NoFap forums like this before, but now I want to participate, since I believe that this will help in me quitting porn. I will be journaling, to be exact.

I am 21 years of age and a male.

Here is my story:
I started masturbating and watching porn (shortly after) at age 12-14. It started with pictures, then amateur porn and eventually progressed into harder straight porn.

Eventually I stumbled onto anal porn at age 15-16. From there on out I almost always watched straight anal porn and eventually started watching anal gaping porn. In this genre I watched straight as well as lesbian porn. The lesbian porn often included big dildos.

Ages 16-18 were hard times for me, whether it was school (I chose completely the wrong classes as it turned out), my social anxiety, my general awkwardness or my confidence. I was not really happy and in a rut. I escalated to hardcore anal porn: DPs, Gangbangs, more anal gaping.
In these three years, on and off, I engaged in anal stimulation as well. It started with a finger, then thicker things. At times, I was watching porn and using, basically, a dildo almost every day. This was my lowest point.
Mentally, I was pretty weak and I just gave in to the desire and the curiosity. I tried to stop but I kept doing it, being slightly addicted. Looking back on it, I used it as a way to escape reality for a moment and numb the discomfort of everyday life. My life, back then, was pretty dull and depressing.
Eventually, after almost sticking a damn cucumber up there, I decided to quit. I just could not let it go THAT far.
NOTE: Though this type of stimulation was enjoyable, it just never felt right.

Since age 19 up until now, age 21, I have been in contact with NoFap and recently with Your Brain on Porn and I have been successful in having nofap-streaks; on and off. Sometimes I would go a month or two, sometimes three, without masturbating or watching porn. Then, I would binge until I was absolutely depleted. Then I would go on a streak again, only to end up doing a binge again.

My most recent streak was almost three months. Here, I did give myself the opportunity to masturbate once a month, on the 20th each month, but without pornography. This worked pretty well. During this period I would have lots and lots of erections around women all the time.

Up until now, I only had sexual intercourse one single time: a drunken hook-up with a 25-year-old girl. I was 20 years old at the time, going on 21. Also, I didn't use a condom, since I wasn't able to maintain an erection with a condom. (See below: This problem occured before.)
I also got blown by three women up to that point (2 women only blew me once, the third several times). With two I could not even climax without jerking myself off, presumably because of porn, which made my dick less sensitive. One of these women, whom I went down on for the first time as well, I could have had sexual intercourse with. Unfortunately, I could not maintain an erection with a condom. I could have been whiskey-dick too.

Then, I met an 18 year old girl in university. I was ready for a girlfriend after all the struggles of coming out of my awkward anti-social bubble, adjusting to society, becoming 'normal' and more social, learning about dating, putting in effort to date, failing and eventually dating.
I put all my chips on her, but her being as young as she is, was just enjoying my attention and did not have the intention of actually dating me and becoming my girlfriend. I, for some reason, was hit pretty hard by this and started watching porn again, disappointed in dating and perhaps women altogether.

I went on a massive binge. It had never been this bad... It must have been two and a half weeks, of which only the last week or so was actually a binge. The rest was, again, on and off.
In the last week I discovered trans porn and got hooked. I loved the way these women with penises looked: Big butts, a penis, boobs and still so feminine. I only liked this porn when the trans woman was in a feminine role: Receiving, blowing, toying, twerking etc. Basically, anything a straight woman would do. Somehow though, the fact that she had a penis turned me on a lot.
I binged this genre for 3-4 day straight, getting poor sleep, masturbating 4-6 times a day and thinking and even dreaming about it. Crazy.
I decided to quit it all when today I wanted to watch some of this porn and opened up a butch of tabs. Then, because I was hungry, I had to eat. During eating I felt a nervousness and uncontrollable energy, something an addict would feel, in anticipation of the act to which he is addicted. When I finished eating and opened up all the hidden tabs again I was fucking shaking and felt a shot of dopamine when I started to look at all the trans porn. It was like injecting heroin into my system. I caught myself grunting too, like a heroin addict would do.

After ejaculating, I read NoFap and Your Mind On Porn sites for a straight 5-6 hours, because me shaking in front of a computer because of some trannies is unacceptable. With help of these sites I have found that my problems are not unique and not even that bad compared to what people go through: Regular anal stimulation with actual dildos as a full-grown man, unprotected sex with transgender women while drunk and the fear of having caught HIV after, as well as the sheer feeling of guilt that comes with doing all this (the guy got fucking suicidal...). Other problems include the questioning of sexuality, getting fucked up the ass by men and trans women, sucking dick (and all this while being straight).
My problems aren't nearly as fucked up as these are.

I wasted countless hours on this shit and went another step farther into the rabbit hole that is pornography. I will go no further. It stops here.


***GOAL: No more pornography. Every 20th of the month I masturbate once, without pornography - I use my imagination.

Instead of pornography I work, study, exercise, meditate, read and dance. Also, I just deal with my frustration concerning women: I take my time and breathe, I take a walk, I have a sip of hot coffee, I ask myself questions and then I just try again. I am bound to meet my future girlfriend at some point. Moreover, I do not view my past experience with women as failures but rather as learning experiences. I will take the lessons I learnt from these experiences and take the right actions to meet and keep my future girlfriend.


Everyone slips up from time to time. It is normal. It is life. It is called being human.

Peace


« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 11:21:22 PM by klassik »

klassik

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Re: Quitting porn
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2018, 06:53:10 AM »
Well, I just relapsed... to trans porn... I was trying to find posts concerning negative experiences with trans hookers and ended up looking at ads, then proceeded to masturbate to trans porn...

Conclusion: To get trans porn, porn and trans hookers (ughhh...) or any negative thoughts, for that matter, out of your head you should not give these thoughts any attention at all. Just do your thing: work, study, exercise, meditate, read.

Although I relapsed, I am making it. Slowly but surely.

And now I need to study for my exam, which will be taking place in less than an hour...

Peace

UsualMood

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Re: Quitting porn
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2018, 01:37:10 PM »

Sometimes I would go a month or two, sometimes three, without masturbating or watching porn. Then, I would binge until I was absolutely depleted. Then I would go on a streak again, only to end up doing a binge again.

My most recent streak was almost three months. Here, I did give myself the opportunity to masturbate once a month, on the 20th each month, but without pornography. This worked pretty well. During this period I would have lots and lots of erections around women all the time.

Up until now, I only had sexual intercourse one single time: a drunken hook-up with a 25-year-old girl. I was 20 years old at the time, going on 21.

I binged this genre for 3-4 day straight, getting poor sleep, masturbating 4-6 times a day and thinking and even dreaming about it. Crazy.
I decided to quit it all when today I wanted to watch some of this porn and opened up a butch of tabs. Then, because I was hungry, I had to eat. During eating I felt a nervousness and uncontrollable energy, something an addict would feel, in anticipation of the act to which he is addicted. When I finished eating and opened up all the hidden tabs again I was fucking shaking and felt a shot of dopamine when I started to look at all the trans porn. It was like injecting heroin into my system. I caught myself grunting too, like a heroin addict would do.

After ejaculating, I read NoFap and Your Mind On Porn sites for a straight 5-6 hours, because me shaking in front of a computer because of some trannies is unacceptable


First of all, congratulations for having the guts to admit to yourself this problem and write it down on this forum. You help more than you realize since there are indeed many people with porn induced - depressing and sad problems such as yours.

I have been on and off as well the past 8 months. I also went a period ( after 1 month of abstinence I think ) when I could pleasure myself just from the touch and It felt incredible.. I also felt much more normal than I ever did and depression was gone. I had problems with women also as you can imagine, that is why after a certain point I stopped interacting with them, I didn't feel like it. My fetishes didn't go that far as anal stimulation but yes, I did have HOCD and scary homosexual dreams during the worst times of my porn abuse. It was really disturbing having them and going through your daily life like this...  people don't realize what you are going through because of your addiction. Unlike other drugs, the side effects are not so apparent to the outside world. I am also feeling this rush when I binge to all these fetishes I wouldn't even think of doing in real life like a junkie taking its dose. Feet, domination whatever. This urge is so unrealistic compared to the real intimate feeling where there hardly is an urge and everything flows naturally. And finally I've also spent hours - after taking my dose - on no fap and ybop because of the guilt and disgust I felt with myself.

Thanks for this post man. Feels like you posted this it just in time. I also created a journal today to help me quit at last. If you are in need of support, feel free to pm. Best wishes man.