Author Topic: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.  (Read 955 times)

vampireskiller

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I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« on: May 10, 2018, 09:34:09 PM »
WARNING: TRIGGER WORDS, STRONG LANGUAGE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND GORE.

I still remember the day I felt like a murderer. It was just a normal day, until I see a "hot woman" in "doggy style" in a market. Just normal, it happens a lot in Brazil. We're one of the biggest exporters of thugs and prostitutes in the world.

This image, of this bitch, stayed in my head and, at night, I watched too many extreme porns. Pain, screams, marriages being destructed... everything the devil likes.

Then, I just remember that I woked up in a pool of blood and the images of something like a "murder" (so, I just felt like a murderer because I had the same feeling of a murderer stabbing someone many times) started to flashback in my mind. I just trembled, had no air and was terrified: IT'S MY OWN BLOOD! AND IT'S STILL DRIPPING! I "MURDERED" MYSELF!

I was rolling on the floor, squirming, using objects to cause me pain... It had happened before, but in an even more brutal way and I have deep scars because of it... My back is marked by that black past... I don't know how I didn't have any infections...

It's very traumatizing and I can't tell the details. My brain is automatically blocking thiese memories (and the details) and the related memories (things that happened in the same week of these brutal acts).

These gore masturbations ceased when I started to use more hardcore porn for some years...

It's my 3 attemp to reboot. This time I'm rebooting with masturbation and as my body is seeking for more extreme stimul, the unhealthy masturbations are coming back and I can't control it.

I fear for my physical integrity. I fear for people around me. I need to stop this beast somehow. Before this monster starts to hurt other people. I'm very afraid and I think that the only exit I have is the suicide... I know that I will burn in hell, but it's better than hurt someone I love or to continue destroying myself in more irreversible ways.

vampireskiller

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2018, 09:44:32 PM »
The floor was so sticky because of the blood. I remember my feet clinging to him. I was in doubt if I cleaned the floor or myself first... The first reaction is always to hide the evidence... I left a dressing lost in the house and I was desperate not to find it... It is terrifying... I'd rather die than let things go back to that state. I'm in pain, but they will get worse if I continue...

What if I hurt someone? Or... What if I get hurt in an irreversible way? Help...

bulletedlist

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 03:24:42 PM »
Brother, what you are describing is more extreme than all the cases that I've read here. Hard to tell if you are being serious or just pranking. If serious, you need professional help and guidance. Look for a therapist. I don't think only willpower will be enough to tame those demons. Don't feel ashamed of asking for professional help, just the opposite.

I wish you the best, brother. Hope you can get better before you damage yourself or somebody else irreversibly. Peace.

vampireskiller

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 10:21:22 PM »
Answering to bulletedlist and complementing my confession.


Thank you for your words. It's nothing about prank and I'll tell you the remaining details. I'm being honest in my words and the truth is that, because I'm tremendously ashamed of the things I've done, I'm omitting information and the true story is worse than I've already reported here. In order to resume what I'll try to write with my bad english, I'm alone in this and I'm my own therapist.

Sorry for my bad English.
Sorry for my confusion. I'm not dealing with ordinary memories, but with things I want to forget.


When I was 15 I almost split my spine into "two". It hurt too much and that brought me kidney problems (the rib crushed the kidneys and stomach). After a few months of medical treatment, I recovered. I just remember that I was watching transexual-porn and tried oral-sex in myself.

Also when I was 15, I filled a bottle with urine and inserted it into my anus. As I drank little water, the urine was dark and had a strong smell (with salt crystals). And I still remember that I cutted myself with a glass pen (I started to tremble).

Only a 15-year-old teenager, small, weak, but with such a destructive addiction and causing gigantic damage to his own body. Want something more demonic than that?

Sometimes I think that it gave me some resistance to pain... Today I can punch a makiwara for several minutes and only stop when the wood is stained with blood (or broken into pieces because my bones are getting as hard as concrete). I remember that in one of my workouts I kicked so much in a sandbag that my sweat started to evaporate and I no longer felt my legs.

Nowadays, sessions of sick masturbations are becoming rarer but I'm at a time when they happen twice a month... But with reduced damage. In other reboots I managed to stay 33 days away from any sexual stimulation... As well as, after the damage I did to the 15, sick masturbations returned only after 18, when addiction began to gain space.

Although I still have problems (big problems) with pornography and masturbation, I have greatly reduced the dose and I'm beginning to gain some self-control. But when it's for things to get out of control, the only thing that keeps the worst from happening is the memories of the horrible pain I've felt as a result of that addiction and some studies I had.

I made a vow of celibacy and I'll try to repair the damage of my mistakes through a lot of charity (yesterday I gave 14% of my monthly earnings to a beggar, a few months ago I gave all my money in collective financing campaigns and donated for a job volunteer), with a life devoted to studies (I think that in some way, they are healing me and saving me and preventing the worst from happening) and with my Faith.

I know that it is almost impossible to make up for the evil I caused and that I'm worthy of hell. I lost my dignity by letting such sick fantasies materialize (I think there are still worse things to confess) and it will be difficult to regain it while having problems with them.

It's harder to deal with the loneliness — but I prefer to stay alone than stay with the degenerate people of my country —, with the fact that I had no father and some other things... But when I look at the people that still love me (my mother, for example) and I remember the things I did, I start to feel like suicide... I'm a shame, a demon... I deserve my loneliness.

This demon still trying to destroy me and I'm spending my last reserve of energy to stop this monster...

Do you remember of the Mr. hyde and Dr. Jekyll? My life is exactly the same. For people I love, I'm a Dr. Jekyll. But when I'm alone, I'm the Mr Hyde. As the end of this story, the only way to stop the Mr. Hyde was the suicide of the Dr. Jekill. All the details of this romance are how I see my life. Even after I have regretted and desired to stop, there are times when I wake up in the shape of the monster.

But sometimes I feel like the monster of Frankeinstein. These are moments when I'm aware of the cursed demon I am and that is where a lot of evil ideas begin to emerge. You know how this story ends.

However, there times I'm like the Mina Harker from Bram Stoker's Dracula. These times I feel a strong empathy and pity for people. It's in these moments that I want to help people. That I kill my pride to use my few talents to make someone happy. It is in these moments that my addiction is healed.

In other moments, I'm like a warrior trying to kill my evil.

But in the end, it's the same Raskolnikov's noological problem. I'm a "murderer" seeking for redemption and a purpose for my life and something to help me to deal with the pain. The pain I should suffer in order to be good. The pain I should suffer to heal my addiction.

In "A Psychologist Experiments the Concentration Camp," Viktor Frankl tells us that for people survive in those deplorable conditions, they should seek to be good and "holy" even under the most unbearable conditions. That they should have the consciousness of immortality of the soul to act in the sphere of time of eternity because, even if they die, they would be rewarded in another life.

You see, I'm in a country that's undergoing a socialist revolution. Our psychologists are instructed to release the sexual instincts of patients. They're just going to tell me to "get out of the closet," when I'm not gay and all I do is the result of several hours in pornography and several years of unwanted sexual stimulation. I really appreciate the female figure and the male figure disgusts me (as with any normal man). They are, the Brazilian pisicologists, incompetent, and the few good psychologists left by being old and experienced are hard to find and too expensive for my current financial condition.

Because I love my family, I can not give them the disgust of hearing such grotesque testimony. My grandmother is sick and I do not want her to die. My mother has an unstable temperament and the rest of the family does not have the psychological and intellectual preparation to deal with a addict.

I have tried to instruct someone to help me, but my situation involves such complex details that the person was not able to continue. I even realized that she was not resisting and I can not parasitize other people.

I'll simply confess to the good souls of this community and do my best. Although not very much, I still have some intelligence and some awareness of what is happening. I'll do my best to get out of this, since I'm alone in this and I'm the only one who can help me.



Hey, I wrote the monster I am! Now I'm getting crazy! It's funny, because I'm having a lot of hysterical attacks and I still aware of this. Now I don't know who I am and what I'm doing!  :)

PS* I tried to confess before. But as I couldn't tell all the details, I was just labeled as a hysteric. However, now you can be sure that I'm a devil in a human body, seeking for redemption.

safa61947

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2018, 06:05:05 AM »
Hey dude, I'm Brazilian as well. Psychologists are fucked up everywhere, not only in our country. Some are good, some not so, some help, and some make things worse.

My advice is try to meditate and exercise and stay away from things that make you feel bad. If you feel suicidal and need someone to talk, send me a PM, I will reply in at most 24h, and wait for my message. Do not attempt anything foolish.

We being anonymous users in a web forum the maximum we can do is talk and hear what you have to say. If writing about such things make you calmer, then by all means continue.

Tente não causar uma má impressão para os gringos :D

bulletedlist

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2018, 10:48:49 AM »
Yeap, psychologists can be a shite, but it is the same with any other profession, brother. Don't expect to find a good therapist the first time you try; you might find it first try if you are lucky, but not for sure. It is like with everything else, you have to go out and see for yourself and be prepared to change. Sometimes you need to visit ten different doctors to get a good diagnosis, sometimes you need to visit ten different lawyers to get a good idea of what you need. That's always the case. There are good therapists out there.

Never been to Brazil, but I guess what they say of latin american countries is mostly true. Not easy, man. But you are trying. I really, really think in my heart you need somebody else to help you help yourself, which is something you are already doing. I wish you the best in your recovery, brother.

lfelipe

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Re: I just woked up in a pool of blood. My own blood.
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2018, 04:39:59 PM »
Hey bro, i´m brazilian too, and i know that in our country sex and triggers are everywhere and is something that is always around us so in your case i believe that porn addiction is just a symptom of something; look for professional help, talk to your family or a close friend, someone you can trust, get close with people who care about you, you can not go through this alone, you don´t have to go through this alone!!


i wish you the best! GOOD LUCK!!!!