Author Topic: Another Try  (Read 950 times)

PhakePhakerson

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Another Try
« on: April 25, 2018, 03:10:19 PM »
Day 0

I've been disconnected from the internet for a while, and even doing this has not cured me of my porn addiction. This problem is a deep one. I'm writing this just after another slip today.

I'm looking for another support group, so I'm going to try posting again here on RBN for a while. I tried using YourBrainRebalanced, but every post I was making was being flagged as spam, so I gave up on that and decided to try here.

I just left my 12 step group recently after deciding that it was ultimately unhelpful for me. I'm trying SMART Recovery for a while, and I plan to post here.

I'm not at my best right now, and am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. I will edit this post later.

PhakePhakerson

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Re: Another Try
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 01:19:18 AM »
Day 0

I disconnected from the Internet again for a short while because I was afraid of relapse, but now I have found myself back because I relapsed anyway. I am still on a relapse right now. A few days ago, I started watching porn again and went on a binge. Tonight, I looked at porn and masturbated to it twice. I also decided to look through some NSFW subreddits tonight while I was hanging out in my living room.

The obsession with looking at old porn I used for watch for "nostalgia" hit me tonight too, and I gave into it. I started looking up porn stars that I haven't watched in years. That is not a good sign. Something has got to change. One change I am going to make is holding myself accountable. When I was in SAA, I was starting to make a habit out of accountability, but since I left that group I can be accountable to others online. It would not be appropriate to share all my struggles with friends and family, so I guess the Internet is the place to go for that.

Right now I'm feeling a little numb. My penis is slightly sore (sorry if that's TMI). I'm going to forgive myself, and stop this shit. I don't need to continue any longer. However, I am still vulnerable for a while after this relapse. Tonight, I know I'm going to want to look at porn again, and the same goes for tomorrow morning. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, except maybe I can post here, meditate, journal, and remind myself my reasons for trying to change my life.

PhakePhakerson

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Re: Another Try
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 04:20:45 PM »
Day 0 (Again)

I relapsed again this morning. I had Appblock installed on my phone, and I was using SPIN Browser in order to filter porn, but I kept searching for images of porn stars, and was still able to find things to masturbate to. I ended up uninstalling SPIN Browser, and instead I am using Pluckeye for my android web browser (which is image-free).

After my relapse, I decided to take my smart phone completely offline for a while, and I intend to put on some parental control software on it later at the library. My laptop is also now heavily-filtered again. I have modified my hosts file to remove thousands of porn sites, am using Pluckeye to block images and images by default, and I have set a 15 minute delay to gain access to administrator privileges so I can stop myself from hacking my way back to porn. I'm hoping for a clean rest of today, and for a clean day tomorrow.

PhakePhakerson

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Re: Another Try
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2018, 06:22:27 PM »
Day 1 No PMO, Day 0 No MO

I'm feeling a little down today. I feel a bit numb, and dead inside. I'm waiting for my life to come back to me. At least I got some cleaning around the house done today.

PhakePhakerson

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Re: Another Try
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2018, 07:41:45 PM »
Day 2 No MO, Day 0 No MO

I slipped this morning. I didn't have my reasons for abstinence together, and I told myself that there weren't any negative consequences. Those things I told myself are clearly false. I need to work on disputing those unhelpful thoughts. I wrote down some reasons today why my thoughts earlier were wrong.

I'm working at the library right now instead of using my computer at home. That was a good choice.