Author Topic: A new start (Alea iacta est) 52y  (Read 1687 times)

atpeace

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y 10 day Rebooting 0day PMO.
« Reply #25 on: April 29, 2018, 08:13:10 PM »
Tom

Thanks for this journal. I just read through it and it sounds like you are making good progress. I hope that I will be able to report that I have made it through a week!

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y 10 day Rebooting 0day PMO.
« Reply #26 on: April 29, 2018, 11:59:47 PM »
Tom

Thanks for this journal. I just read through it and it sounds like you are making good progress. I hope that I will be able to report that I have made it through a week!
We will!
Let’s make it!
I started meditation and I found out that it works if you give it a real try.
And I was one of the biggest skeptics about meditation, try it it can’t hurt.
Using app Headspace and do 3min meditation!
Hang in there and don’t see things negative one step at a time tiny or big don’t matter only forwards.
Tom65
Tom65
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y 10 day Rebooting 0day PMO.
« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2018, 11:02:10 AM »
Do I feel better when I done some PMO? No not really!
Then why do I do it?
As you can se I fell, this is not a prevarication! But my fathers is in hospital and I been really stressed over this situation. Well I need to know how to handle this kind of stress.
So report now 15days and restart my counter.

T

————————-
Reboot.        Day 16
PMO free.     Day 01
« Last Edit: May 03, 2018, 10:14:28 PM by Tom65 »
Tom65
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2018, 05:35:29 AM »
My Journey updates!

Reboot day 18!
3 day PMO free!

Did I use porn today?                            No!                     
What were my triggers?                         N/a!         
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?   Doing meditation helps very much!
What am I grateful for today?                I am grateful over having made 3 days of PMO free!

But my fantasy over having sex with a transsexual is not goon!
Am I gay?
Or am I BI?
This is confusing I need to get to the bottom on this fantasy or feeling.
Is there any one here that going true this kind of thing!
I do not have any feelings/though over men, only transsexual! Can it be that my porn addiction made me gay/bi ?
Is this something I need to address (test) and how?
More questions and no answers!

Tom
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Karzam

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2018, 06:51:53 AM »
Hi Tom,

 Congratulations on Day 3 - it's a good start! I applaud you for trying to become more aware of your triggers as well - that should definitely help.

 As far as the transsexual / gay thing goes, personally I wouldn't worry about it too much. For a start, anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that our sexual orientation compass gets pushed off course through porn use, as we habituate to whatever we're watching and then start searching for something different to achieve the same hit. So, in that regard, just focus on getting off the porn first and foremost, because at the moment things may be off kilter anyway. I'm pretty sure porn can't make you gay by the way, I'm pretty sure it's not a choice or based on a reinforcement schedule. :)

 In full disclosure, I've had some pretty weird sexual dreams in my time and I started to doubt my orientation as well, but deep down I knew who I was, and since giving up porn, they've all disappeared. It's probably just your head playing tricks with you - and if it's not, well, isn't the truth better than a lie? But, one thing at a time, focus on giving up the porn first. :)

Karzam

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #30 on: May 06, 2018, 08:54:04 AM »
Hi Tom,

 Congratulations on Day 3 - it's a good start! I applaud you for trying to become more aware of your triggers as well - that should definitely help.

 As far as the transsexual / gay thing goes, personally I wouldn't worry about it too much. For a start, anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that our sexual orientation compass gets pushed off course through porn use, as we habituate to whatever we're watching and then start searching for something different to achieve the same hit. So, in that regard, just focus on getting off the porn first and foremost, because at the moment things may be off kilter anyway. I'm pretty sure porn can't make you gay by the way, I'm pretty sure it's not a choice or based on a reinforcement schedule. :)

 In full disclosure, I've had some pretty weird sexual dreams in my time and I started to doubt my orientation as well, but deep down I knew who I was, and since giving up porn, they've all disappeared. It's probably just your head playing tricks with you - and if it's not, well, isn't the truth better than a lie? But, one thing at a time, focus on giving up the porn first. :)

Karzam

Thanks Karzam!

This make allot off sense!
And if that is so I can managed that to, living a lie is no good.
Thanks you made me think about it and it’s no big deal.

One day at a time my all time high was 7 day!
Let’s take one day at a time.
Tom
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Turtle

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #31 on: May 07, 2018, 09:52:20 AM »
  Your earlier post about stolen cookies is touching on a hidden but huge part of the porn nightmare. Forbidden fruits are always sweeter. Brain chemicals related to taking risk make the drug high of this even worse. No porn, is a return to sanity.

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #32 on: May 07, 2018, 10:38:22 AM »
  Your earlier post about stolen cookies is touching on a hidden but huge part of the porn nightmare. Forbidden fruits are always sweeter. Brain chemicals related to taking risk make the drug high of this even worse. No porn, is a return to sanity.

Yes this is so true forbidden fruits is sweeter in your mind! But if I go back to my early 20’ich I do remember me chasing after 40 years old woman because they did know what to do and they was weary hot in ...... And girls in my age was no good! So forbidden fruit is not better I think. That was my mind telling me how it is, my other mind say that the young woman is...... you know!!!!
So my compass is broken now I need to fix it!
But I am struggling need that fix....
But I need my wife more....

I realised one thing I have been eating and gaining some kilos so started to learn to eat proper and doing more exercise! Wondering if it’s connected?
Eating and porn us?
Tom
« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 02:42:33 PM by Tom65 »
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Turtle

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #33 on: May 07, 2018, 10:59:08 AM »
  Yes connected, both cause dopamine reactions in the brain. Just nurture yourself with good healthy food.
  I hope like mine, your wife is the great treasure that your efforts revolve around. The hardest part for me is what this has done to my wife. I need to heal myself for myself, but that is also the only way to save my marriage. And my marriage means everything to me. I know I'm crazy from my addiction, otherwise I would never hurt my wife.

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #34 on: May 07, 2018, 02:52:58 PM »
  Yes connected, both cause dopamine reactions in the brain. Just nurture yourself with good healthy food.
  I hope like mine, your wife is the great treasure that your efforts revolve around. The hardest part for me is what this has done to my wife. I need to heal myself for myself, but that is also the only way to save my marriage. And my marriage means everything to me. I know I'm crazy from my addiction, otherwise I would never hurt my wife.

She is my everything!
But I haven’t fealt that desire to make love with her.
Just this stupid rush from porn. I will try this kerrazza when I’m on track.
I do want to feel desire over the person I love.
Tom65
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Turtle

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #35 on: May 07, 2018, 08:28:40 PM »
  Have no doubt, it will return. Every story of successful rebooting talks about how we regain our love life. If you can work through all this with her, count your lucky stars, and never look back.

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #36 on: May 10, 2018, 11:48:04 AM »
Hello!
Dident think this would be so hard!
Just did PM but no O timer to 0 or can I se this as a smal victory?

Tom
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2018, 12:25:15 AM »
Hello!
Dident think this would be so hard!
Just did PM but no O timer to 0 or can I se this as a smal victory?

Tom
Guess I know now that one week is my hard spot!
So I will set my counter to 0 and let’s make it this time.
I have missed doing my meditation I need that time to do reflections and get grounded.

This is possible one week can be two weeks
Tom
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milogasker

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2018, 04:22:00 AM »
Hey Tom / Karzam  -  just picking up on the transsexual thing.  I got so absorbed with new and different porn to satisfy my need and get my dopamine rush that I was masturbating to transsexual and lady-boy videos.  This developed to actually booking a trannie hooker and having an actual sexual experience with one.   Yes, I know that a lot of men fantasise and are really attracted to the thought of a woman's body with a penis (best of both worlds) and many go down that route.  Now I'm in no way gay or bi-sexual - it was just my ever increasing need for wilder more off-the-wall experiences to get my kick.

At day 28 I'm still not past the point of finding the trannie thing quite stimulating and if I relapse I can possibly see myself doing it again. I'm just really hoping that when I'm beyond say, 100 days, that I'll have rid myself of these desires and I'll be back on track and have my sexual compass re-aligned to it's "true north".

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2018, 09:48:35 AM »
Hey Tom / Karzam  -  just picking up on the transsexual thing.  I got so absorbed with new and different porn to satisfy my need and get my dopamine rush that I was masturbating to transsexual and lady-boy videos.  This developed to actually booking a trannie hooker and having an actual sexual experience with one.   Yes, I know that a lot of men fantasise and are really attracted to the thought of a woman's body with a penis (best of both worlds) and many go down that route.  Now I'm in no way gay or bi-sexual - it was just my ever increasing need for wilder more off-the-wall experiences to get my kick.

At day 28 I'm still not past the point of finding the trannie thing quite stimulating and if I relapse I can possibly see myself doing it again. I'm just really hoping that when I'm beyond say, 100 days, that I'll have rid myself of these desires and I'll be back on track and have my sexual compass re-aligned to it's "true north".

Hello
Thanks for the reassuring words!
The thing is should I be aligned to transsexual woman that would not be the worst thing that can happen.
It would be tuff on my wife, wife i love and don't want to hurt. And that would be devastating and i feel bad if it ends up like that.
So its much of the stress over this is that would feel bad and by that i feel bad now to.
So there is so much thought running in my head, my head is spinning like crazy doing P it stops spinning.
So what to do to get my head thinking straight (clear) sometimes I want to talk to a professional.
Solution to this getting of P so i can start think clear.
Signed up for Skype meeting SLAA.
Tom
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 03:24:28 AM by Tom65 »
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #40 on: May 12, 2018, 03:48:42 AM »
Status report Day 24
soon a month in but no longer then 8day's PMO free.
Day 2 PMO free
Day 4 eating healthy
Day 1 getting fit.
 
Tom
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #41 on: May 12, 2018, 07:57:07 AM »
Need to keep this in my mind...
This summer we are taking a trip together wife and I, without kids.
Its about 70 day's away!
What i would like is to lose 10kilos (22lb 0.7396480oz) and get me on track so we cud make love!
Romantic dinners and atmosphere and we cud get some awesome evenings or and mornings together.
Now i need to keep this in my mind and at the same time not get stressed over it.

Is it doable to get out of flat line in 70 day's?
70day's is 10 weeks that would be 1kilo a week. i can do that, I am sure.
Not get in to a stressful mindset!

What do you all say is it possible?

Tom
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Karzam

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #42 on: May 12, 2018, 08:24:46 AM »
Hi Tom,

 I'd say it's possible, certainly. But, from my experience at least, I'd remove the goals - but that's just a reflection of my psychological aspects. If setting a goal works for you, then that's great. However, if setting a goal (and potentially not reaching it) is something to beat yourself up about, then that's not so great.

Karzam

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #43 on: May 14, 2018, 10:03:47 AM »
Day 26 and 4 days PMO free!
Many thought running true me! What should get me to drop this?
The rush from getting of and after that feeling bad and I cud twist this and say that it’s not sheeting.
But I would say it’s sheeting I’m definitely not performing in bed so it’s like sheeting!

So not to my self, just get true this day!

Tom
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 10:25:51 AM by Tom65 »
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #44 on: May 14, 2018, 10:25:58 PM »
Report Day 27
Closing in on my 7 day PMO free
Day 5 PMO free

Longing for the day I can see a beautiful woman and just see that!
I love my wife and hopefully I can start yearn for her.

Tom
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #45 on: May 15, 2018, 10:09:43 PM »
Report Day 28
Closing in on my 7 day PMO free high score.
Day 6 PMO free

Day 9 eating healthy and on day 7 lost 1,5 kilos. (3,3 lbs)
Started to go to the gym.

Tom
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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2018, 07:41:59 AM »
  Sounds like you are on the right path, one that is working for you. Stay committed, and remember what YOU really want.

Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #47 on: May 16, 2018, 12:07:17 PM »
  Sounds like you are on the right path, one that is working for you. Stay committed, and remember what YOU really want.

Thanks!
To day I have soreness after the gym! So good feeling.
I think I feel that I’m on the right path
Thanks to you all here!
Tom
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Tom65

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Re: Alea iacta est 52y
« Reply #48 on: May 16, 2018, 10:05:10 PM »
Report Day 29
Day 7 that I am PMO free

Day 10 eating healthy
(and on day 7 lost 1,5 kilos.) (3,3 lbs)

It’s 05:00 in the morning and about to go to the gym!

Tom
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Turtle

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