Author Topic: Ready to fight with no surrender  (Read 742 times)

RebooterOne

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Ready to fight with no surrender
« on: April 05, 2018, 03:18:16 PM »
Hi,
I'm 26 and I want to share my story with you. I decided to start from the very beginning. I think that some details from the distant past are important to note. Sorry for bad english in advance. So let's go.

EARLY DAYS
When I was 5 I got circumcised. No, it wasn't any religious thing. My parents told me it was because of hygiene issues. I remember shortly after that I started touching myself. I think it was because of the sensations. My penis had become very sensitive after the whole procedure.

Touching it wasn't a problem. The fantasies were a problem. I have no idea where I got such fantasies from at the age of 5. I mostly fantasised about... enslaving women sexually, domination and bondage. Well, I have to note that I wasn't exposed to porn at this point. I got caught several times by my parents when I was doing "my thing" so they knew. But they never knew what I was thinking while I was doing it. I don't know what I was thinking. What the hell...

I were quite shy and dominant kid at the same time. I was a leader in my group of friends even if there were older kids. I call it "silent leader". I was shy but everybody asked me for advice and what to do. I never let anybody rule over me.

Back to fantasies I kept on doing it for few years. When I went to elementary school I had my first crush on a girl. I was 7... So I started to fantasise about her and maybe few other girls. But I don't remember putting them in my sick scenarios. I believe I focused on their looks for the most part.
I left my sick fantasies in the past and started focusing on girls I know. When I was 11 I masturbated for the first time to orgasm. I don't need to tell you how amazing it felt. I thought I broke my dick after that. I didn't knew that there is such thing as refractory period.

TEEN YEARS
Let the porn story begin...

At the same age I watched my first porn video which a friend of mine showed me. I remember it very clearly. It was very vanilla but for an 11 year old it was the most arousing thing ever seen. Shortly after that I discovered a porn channel on satellite TV and I started watching it occasionaly. I had no access to the Internet then. During elementary school I had crushes on 3 girls. Fantasised about them a lot. Masturbated a lot. But I haven't been watching porn that much. But the seed was sown...

I turned 13. I went to middle school. I got the access to Internet. I got diagnosed with scoliosis. I got lost. Even though I got access to the Internet I was still masturbating to fantasies of girls I know. Had another crush on girl, then another one, and one more... (crush count: 6 age: 14). I became very shy and unconfident with girls. Mostly because of scoliosis and back brace (google it if you don't know what it is).
I could not do any sports and I were skinny. Also I was masturbating a lot but only MO, no P. It is important to note that I don't think my MO was a way to cope with a situation i was going through. Having severe scoliosis sucks but it is not something that I tried to deal with through MO.
I was shy and unconfident with girls but I still had friends. People generally respected me. Some older guys tried to bully me but I never let them.

I started to watch porn again when I was 15. Mostly pictures of naked women. I somehow could not look at videos where I could see other guys naked and having sex with girls. I wanted to see only girls. I started PMOing every time I was home alone.

I went to highschool. Turned 17. No more back brace = HUGE CONFIDENCE BOOST. I started a completely new life. My highschool years were a great time. I started a band, were going to the parties, made a lot of friends, and became more confident with girls. I started approaching them. Up to this day it is my way to meet the girl I want to meet. Just walk up to her and start talking. At the same time I was PMOing a lot. Everytime I was home alone I would watch P. I escalated then. Started watching hardcore videos.

When I turned 18 I met my first and only girlfriend. My confidence was skyrocketing so when I found out that she was interested in me I just approached her on the street and started talking. Few months later we started to see each other regularly. I was still PMOing a lot.

My 18 year old, careless, confident self felt unstoppable. Unstoppable to the point where I was flirting with multiple girls at the same time. But there was something very strenge about my attitude towards sex. I was virgin (still am). I was never looking for hook ups and refusing such offers (mostly drunk girls at the parties). And that's fine. But I also refused everytime when my girlfriend asked me if I want to have sex with her. I don't know why. I wanted to try it for the first time. It wasn't a hook up. But I refused. Anxiety? Or maybe... porn? I could go back home and MO while fantasising about her but refused to actually have sex with her. WTF? I think that was the main reason why we broke up.

I was 19 and devastated. I was in love with her but she decided to leave me. It took me a year to stop thinking about her after the break up. I finished highschool, went to the university and failed hard. My hair began to fall. I was a wreck.

EARLY 20s
I was 20, failed at university and didn't know what to do with my life. Everything collapsed and I couldn't put myself together. Then I didn't know it was a problem. I started to use porn daily after the breakup. I PMOed everyday.
I started the university again, made some friends but I failed again.

Turned 21, and in the summer I went to the hospital. Reason doesn't matter but I had high fever and there was no chance to PMO. I've been there for about 10 days and despite fever and generally feeling like shit, mentally I started to feel better. I started to flirt with young nurses. For the first time I showed interest in women after breaking up with girl 2 years prior. I went back home, went back to PMO and my interest was gone again.

I started the university for the third time. I was determined to finish it this time. Through first 3 semesters I was pushing hard and finally succeeded. Again made new friends but my life was dull and I had no interest in opposite sex.

When I turned 23 I realized that even though I was doing fine at the university my life was miserable, boring and I were unmotivated to do anything. I made a decision that whatever it is that holds me back I'm going to find out what it is and I'm going to fix it.

It was one of the most important decisions I have made. But I knew that decision requires immediate action to work. So I decided to ask a girl out for the first time in 4 years. I asked the cutest girl I know. We went out. It was the most awkward date I had. I wasn't interested in her even though I find her very attractive. So I was convinced that I need to take a closer look at everything in my life.

THE GREAT PORN EXPERIMENT
It was summer 2015. I decided to cut the Internet, video games, and TV for 2 months. I also decided to cut masturbation. I made some plans for these 2 months and started my experiment on July 1st. I don't know if I lasted more 4 days without MO. So i masturbated without P because there was no Internet for me. On day 6 I couldn't resist and opened computer just to look at porn and PMO. I went almost 2 months without the social media, news, youtube easily. The only thing I used Internet for was porn. Almost everyday even though I tried to stop. At the end of August I started using the Internet again. First thing I did was googling "porn addiction". I found Gary Wilson's TedTalk. He was talking about me. I have found the answer.

I started my first streak immediately. I read more stories, watched more videos. After 6 days the urges were insane but I survived and at 8 day I was feeling like king. Super happy, super confident, ultra mental clarity and so on. But the urges were still there and I relapsed on day 9. Lost all the benefits after watching few minutes of porn and PMOing. The difference was huge. I started over. I told my best friend about nofap. At least I have someone who threatens me that he's going to rip my balls off if I relapse again. But I'm relapsing constantly.

I fell into cycle. Week off porn, then relapse and binge. Over and over. For 2,5 years. I escalated in material I watch, I started edging for prolonged time and I think I have developed an ED. My longest streak was only 12 days.

TODAY
The truth is my life is in much better place right now than 3 years ago. It is not a mess anymore. This fight made me look at other aspects of my life and I fixed everything I could. But I still struggle with porn.

The main reason why I want to quit is to regain interest in women. I have no sex drive and I'm not even interested in romantic relationships. I keep on trying, I spend time with girls. In last 3 years I cold approached very attractive girls. I've been approached. But I feel nothing. I'm treating them like friends. That's all.

What is more for last few months when I abstain from PMO for a week or more I barely feel any urges. I also feel no benefits or any changes. It is strange because a year ago urges after 5 or 6 day were inasane, the benefits after a week were very prominent. Now I feel none of these but my mind still tricks me to look at porn anyway. Even though I don't find it that arousing anymore. I know I need to trust the process. Last 2,5 years of trying to quit must have pushed me deeper in addiction and desensitized me even more.

NOW
Now I'm on day 2 of no PMO. I hope that writing here will help me with my recovery. I decided to discipline myself more. I started a personal journal. I'll keep on spending time with women. I'm going to start exercising regulary, do meditation and cold showers. I did these things before but now I'll try to be more consistent. Here I will post more significant changes I'll notice along the way.

Wish me luck!
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2018, 12:57:14 AM »
Day 1
I relapsed yesterday. I noticed that my brain tricked me. I didn't feel like MO but I had this craving to watch one of the fetishes. I was home alone and it happened. And now I'm sure I have ED. Checked it for the second time. I feel low but I'm starting over.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

MoJi

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2018, 12:08:10 PM »
Nice, I read your story. That's like story of many of us more or less. I think you have to put rules for yourself if you are about to succeed. I remember the time in which I was severely addicted. I set up a reminder in my phone and made myself read my rules every day at morning. I had a simple reflective rules: "you never have to be the last one who leaves home" ! so every time my father/mother/roommate was about to leave, I put on my pants and escape!

You know that during years of reckless porn usage, we have changed our brain's architecture, making highways for images to reach their destiny! Physical recovery of brain will take time an repetition. We should repeat new things as we did for Porn!

I am sure that you'll do great,

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2018, 03:15:35 PM »
Thanks for response!
Nowadays I'm rarely home alone so I wasn't prepared for that but you're right.
I like the repetition idea. I was very persistent with starting reboot over and over but I lack consistency. That's what I'm going to work on.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2018, 05:02:20 PM »
Day 4
Wow... I don't know what is going on. Yesterday I decided to check my erection. Sensations alone. No death grip, no P, no fantasising. Gentle strokes only. And it worked! It worked very well! I could get an erection and it stayed there for some time. I could orgasm too! I didn't but edged once to see if I could.

Today I'm actually feeling libido. These are not porn cravings, it's libido! I haven't felt this way for few years. I don't know what happened. I was very flirty with girls today. I met new gorgeous one. I feel very happy and alive. It all feels different from superpowers I used to feel on longer streaks.

I feel like something have switched in my mind. Every thought about P seems absurd. Of course I'm going to stay on guard.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2018, 12:08:11 PM »
Day 6
I am getting irritated by small things today and feel a bit angry. I edged (no P) this morning but I stopped myself. I realized that my thoughts were slipping into porn fetishes even though I was imagining girl I know. It was about fetishes, not about her beauty. That was wrong but I do not consider it a relapse.

Also I feel anxious in some strange way. I do not feel like talking with anybody and hanging out with friends but I tried.

Looking at P still seems absurd to me. It makes it a lot easier not to relapse but at the same time it is fishy. The urges may hit at any moment.

Overall, I have a huge mood change comparing yesterday to today.

I am staying on guard.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2018, 03:36:52 AM »
Day 1
Relapsed yesterday. Fantasising led to M, led to edging and then... P binge. Starting over today.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2018, 02:06:52 AM »
Day 6
I caught myself fantasising this morning and decided to get up immediately. Yesterday I was feeling very dull and unmotivated but forced myself to go out with a friend of mine. I noticed something... We walked down the street and there were this two cute girls passing by. I was literally staring at one of them freely. She was really charming and I could not stop staring. It felt so natural to just look in her eyes. I don't have any problems with keeping an eye contact even when I'm binge watching porn. But it was something different. It just felt right, not even slightly forced.

The other benefit that kicked in is that I need much less sleep. I wake up by myself very early. Yesterday I forced myself to sleep some more, but today I went to sleep at 1 AM and woke up at 6:30 AM. That's cool.

The other thing is that throughout the day, since I started this streak, my penis seems lifeless. But this morning when I fantasised it got rock hard. Now it's lifeless again. I'm flatlining for sure.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2018, 05:29:46 PM »
Day 2
Well... I relapsed. Relapsed hard. I couldn't stand the dullness and relapsed on sunday.

I set some specific goals:
7, 13, 20, 30, 40, 60, 75, 80, 90 and 101 days clean. Maybe it will help.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2018, 05:32:15 AM »
Day 4
After a whole weekend of bingeing I managed to break out. Yesterday I had huge mood swings and got irritated easily. Today I'm feeling fine.

I introduced to my life everything I could at the same time: exercising, mindfulness, journaling, reading, limiting Internet use, socialising, eating healthier, learning new language. I started dressing better and shave regularly. Hell, I even planted a lemon tree to watch it grow along with me (inspired by some post on /r/nofap).

Currently I'm reading The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. I highly recommend this book to everyone for a better understanding of P addiction. It is very interesting.

I feel tempted to use P right now. It is ridiculous. I know how bad I would feel if I relapse and still feel like using it. I have noticed that the only thing that really keeps me away from it and make me forget about PMO is socialising. Spending time with friends, talking with people. It is the only thing that helps. But I need it non-stop as a replacement activity. When I'm alone it is extremely difficult to stay away from this drug.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2018, 03:50:05 AM »
Day 1
Hi, everybody. I'm back.
Well, in the past half of a year there was no success in quitting porn in my case. I haven't gone more than a week without relapsing and when I relapse I almost always binge.
Even though I was failing constantly at quitting this addiction, I wasn't failing in other aspects of life. What I want to say is: my life is not miserable or anything like this. It is fine but it is extremely dull.
After eliminating every possible hurdle in my life that I can think of I have realized that compulsive porn use is a root of all problems in my life. And my problems are: feeling emotionless, numb and not being truly interested in anything in life. That includes: no ambition, dreams, interest in women, relationships, sex and everything that requires to feel something.
Even though I am confident, successful at uni, I got an ok job, people to hang out with, it still "feels" like I am wasting my life away. Sometimes I think that there is a very ambitious and driven person inside of me that cannot get out.
I've been given advice to focus on my needs and myself in general. I have never had this "me first" attitude toward life but I think I really need this right now. Of course it doesn't mean that I'm going to be selfish. I just hope that it will help me ignite a drive towards life.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2018, 03:29:01 PM »
Day 2
Today I'm feeling tired and bored with everything. It may be because I've been to a concert yesterday night and haven't had much sleep. But it feels more like a lack of stimulation than a lack of sleep. I am looking for stimulation everywhere today: food, music, youtube. Of course P have crossed my mind too but I'm not giving in to this thought.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

Redfire03

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2018, 11:26:14 PM »
I found it easier not to track day by day. Just realize that porn is bad and just stay away. I am on day 200. I calculate the months and think nothing about porn. Keep going man.

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2018, 04:25:03 PM »
Thanks for advice. I'll try not to track days this time.

Today, I'm feeling very tired. Lack of sleep is a main reason. No urges to use porn but I'm staying on guard.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

Redfire03

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2018, 09:56:21 PM »
Don't let your moods get to youm stay occupied.  Like i literaly work out all the time and try to stay positive. You think you have it ruff? Imagine your wife leaving you because of this issue. Let that sink in things could be worse. Step up and sit back and keep your head up.

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2018, 04:34:46 PM »
That's what I'm doing. I acknowledge my moods but I'm staying occupied. I started to play guitar again and I'm planning to get back to working out.

I felt good all day long. I finally had a good amount of sleep. Only slight urges throughout the day.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #16 on: November 08, 2018, 02:50:51 PM »
Complete change of the mood today. I'm feeling anxious. I couldn't maintain an eye contact with anybody today. Seems like withdrawals are starting to hit me. Also the urges are much stronger. To the point where I alllowed myself to fantasize few times. It is counterproductive so I stopped as soon as I caught myself doing it.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

Redfire03

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #17 on: November 08, 2018, 05:57:23 PM »
Whats crazy is since i started my reboot in march i never have had a urge to pmo.

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2018, 04:26:31 PM »
On some streaks I was having no urges and then suddenly out of nowhere I was relapsing.

Today I have mood swings. Generally feeling low and tired for no reason most of the time. Day at work was boring too.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2018, 05:27:58 PM »
I relapsed. Fantasising led me to it again. I'm not feeling bad now but the chaser effect kicked in.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #20 on: November 13, 2018, 05:12:50 AM »
Chaser effect won yesterday evening. Starting again today. Feeling numb but with positive attitude.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2018, 05:14:47 PM »
Day went fine. In the morning I was feeling numb but for the rest of the day I was feeling quite normal. I have been doing some chores and it helped me focus on the present.

I have watched "The Shawshank Redemption" yesterday. I see some analogy to my struggle in this film. This addiction is a prison too and I am trying to escape it.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #22 on: November 14, 2018, 06:22:33 PM »
Well, today was surprisingly good. Surprisingly because I had to wake up very early and I've been at work for 10 hours. Despite that I am not tired at all. I'm feeling good. Only few slight urges today.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2018, 03:16:39 PM »
I woke up this morning and allowed myself to fantasise a bit about the girl I know. Nothing P-like, vanilla stuff. To my surprise I got hard and it stayed that way for few minutes. It gave me a huge positivity boost for the day. Later today I did the same thing with some touch and it worked again. It is not 100% erection and my penis is quite numb to touch but I am happy that there is some progress :D

Also I got scholarship at the university for the first time in my life. I met with my friends. Overall it was a good day. Only an hour ago I started to feel a bit low but I think it is normal not to feel good all the time.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"

RebooterOne

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Re: Ready to fight with no surrender
« Reply #24 on: November 16, 2018, 05:05:33 PM »
I had a very good day today. I woke up very early but I was not tired at all the whole day. Working was effortless. I had an easy time speaking with people. We have a canteen at work. Usually I don't even bother to socialize with co-workers at breaks but this time I sat next to a girl I've seen for the first time and started talking with her. I point it out not because I have gained confidence to do so. I just genuinely enjoyed talking with her about random stuff. In my late teens I used to do it very often. Talking with random people. I feel like it is coming back and I love it.
"walk away from freedoms offered by the jailors in their cage"