Author Topic: The Monkey On My Back  (Read 5883 times)

Deadcat

  • Guest
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #50 on: July 27, 2018, 12:33:12 PM »
Awesome!  I pray I'm not far behind.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #51 on: August 26, 2018, 04:01:44 AM »
What have I done to myself as a result of my porn use?    :(

This morning, when I was half awake, some old fetish ideas (fetishes I developed through porn use) entered my head and while I was thinking about them I got a strong erection. I only thought about the ideas for less than a minute, and I wasn't thinking about porn scenes I'd seen.

I've just tried fantasising about sex with my girlfriend and I get no response.

What's the upshot of all this? It seems the porn pathways in my brain are still very strong. I haven't looked at porn for 237 days and I'm really disappointed that there doesn't seem to be any weakening of the porn pathways. The positive thing is that I don't really have very strong porn cravings any more. They do happen but they have been pretty easy to resist. When am I going to recover?    :(

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1063
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #52 on: August 26, 2018, 04:35:30 AM »
What have I done to myself as a result of my porn use?    :(

This morning, when I was half awake, some old fetish ideas (fetishes I developed through porn use) entered my head and while I was thinking about them I got a strong erection. I only thought about the ideas for less than a minute, and I wasn't thinking about porn scenes I'd seen.

I've just tried fantasising about sex with my girlfriend and I get no response.

What's the upshot of all this? It seems the porn pathways in my brain are still very strong. I haven't looked at porn for 237 days and I'm really disappointed that there doesn't seem to be any weakening of the porn pathways. The positive thing is that I don't really have very strong porn cravings any more. They do happen but they have been pretty easy to resist. When am I going to recover?    :(

I think the last component of your rebuild is psychological. You've spent a long time in the wilderness regarding sex with your GF, so much so that you mentioned the prospect to be quite repugnant. That tells me that you have a psychological blockage with regard to sex with your GF. With that in mind, why would you get aroused at the thought of it? The fantasy of something you find repugnant is not going to be more arousing than the real prospect. I think you need to figure out why you feel this way about sex with your GF. Some questions for you:

-Is it that you've been in reboot for so long, you have loaded it up with so many conflicting thoughts that it has lost its allure?
-Is there too much pressure for it to be good, so you've devalued it?
-Have you rewired to being asexual rather than sexual with your GF, and now it's all very alien and foreign?
-Is it a lingering byproduct of your Porn-using days in which your GF became less attractive to you?
-Are you still attracted to women in the street? Is the idea of sex with women you see in public also repugnant? Or is it just your GF?

I'm just throwing these questions at you because if you can't answer these questions, the real explanation might be in there somewhere. I know I've never felt the idea of sex with my partner to be unpleasant - but I never had such a case of PIED like yours so I'm just exploring the topic with you, if you don't mind.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #53 on: August 26, 2018, 06:00:40 AM »
Hi malando.

Thanks for the reply. I'll try to answer your questions as fully as possible. It will also give me an opportunity to explore my own thoughts too.

  • Rebooting doesn't have any allure for me. The only reason I persist with my reboot is to try and return to having a normal sex life with my girlfriend. I know this is difficult for her and it's also difficult for me. I have no doubts about my feelings for her. I know I love her. I'm rebooting for her.
  • I don't understand your second point. "Is there too much pressure for it to be good". What is 'it' in this sentence? Do you want to know if there is too much pressure for the reboot to be good? Sorry, I just don't understand the question.
  • The idea of rewiring to being asexual is a very interesting point. Is it even possible? How would that work? Imagine a guy who remains a virgin until he's 40. Is he asexual? Would he be unable to have sex when the opportunity presented itself? I don't think so. Rebooting is based on removing all artificial stimulation. As a result of this, rebooters report entering a flatline period, I think you would agree that sex is impossible during the flatline. I think I'm still in a flatline. Getting an erection to my own touch alone (without fantasy) is still a little hit or miss. I don't feel any revulsion towards stimulating myself so I have to assume that my inability to do so is due to still being in a flatline. I still get the urge to masturbate so I'm not sure if this counts as being asexual. It's an interesting point though and I'm going to look into it some more. I totally agree that sexual intimacy has become "alien and foreign", mainly due to PIED and to a lesser extent due to my reboot.
  • It could be a lingering bi-product of my porn use days. My girlfriend is still very beautiful and attractive to me. This has never changed. However, she's no porn star. We've never indulged in any pornified sexual practices. It's not in her nature and I would never have asked her to do something she didn't want to do. Let's face it. Porn is normal sex on steroids! These people are athletes. It's doesn't surprise me that normal sexual behaviour is still not as exciting to me as porn, yet.
  • I acknowledge attractive women on the street. If I see an attractive woman on the street sexual thoughts come to mind, but they are normally tinged with some porn aspect (performing a pornified act with them). Obviously, I don't feel this way with my girlfriend because I acknowledge that porn views women as mere objects and I don't see my girlfriend as an object.

You've raised some interesting points. I know at some point I have to rewire to the real thing. I just don't know if that time is now. I know Gabe reports having some sex drive back after 6 months (I'm approaching 8 months and I have no real sex drive), he had successful sex at 9 months (here's hoping) and 15 months to get an erection to his own touch alone.

Any rewiring to the real thing is obviously better than nothing. I'm just worried that if I try too soon it could make my reboot longer, but as I write this sentence I realise that it's a question that I can only answer by trying.

Thanks again. It's been a real help.

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1063
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #54 on: August 26, 2018, 07:54:24 AM »

Sorry Mousemat, I will be more explicit about "it". I'm referring to sexual intercourse in both questions.

To rephrase the questions:

-Is having sexual intercourse now inseparable from stress? Is it a daunting prospect, with fear of failure being part of it? Does that reduce the allure of having sex with your GF?

-Do you feel a pressure to perform and for it to be good for both of you - such that you might retreat from it subconsciously to avoid a negative outcome that confirms how dysfunctional you feel during your reboot?


In neither case was I referring to the reboot itself - quite the contrary, I'm wondering whether the reboot has become a certain refuge from confronting the real experience of sex? It might be a place to hide, to stay in recovery and not have to take the risk with giving yourself over to your GF.

It's easy to keep the discussion purely about dopamine receptors, testosterone levels, rewiring etc - that's what men do, identify things and fix things, but I think there is also a significant psychological component because there no doubt men's self-confidence and feeling of potency takes an enormous hit in the experience of having PIED. I wonder if it needs more attention on the forum. I think it's possible that it can induce the mind to find ways to avoid sex to avoid the risk of "failure". Even to the point of finding the idea of sex with one's girlfriend, who is objectively attractive,  unpleasant.

No pressure to make you see it this way - it's just an open question for you. I think the more clear your answers are to these questions, the better off you are. Thanks for your openness in the answers you gave.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2018, 02:52:55 PM by malando »

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #55 on: August 26, 2018, 02:30:38 PM »
Hi malando.

Thanks for clarifying your original question. I've thought about your point and as I write now I have to say that I don't feel under any pressure to perform. My girlfriend is very understanding of this current situation (I couldn't wish for a more understanding partner) and she hasn't put me under any pressure. She will sometimes drop hints that she would like to have sex and we have tried and I have failed. She never makes me feel bad about this. There are other ways I can help release her sexual tension. That said, I think I put myself under a little pressure because I want to heal. One of my problems is impatience. When I started this latest reboot I was impatient at the idea of having to endure 90 days in hardmode. Imagine how I feel now after 237 days! I'm definitely becoming impatient with the process.

I don't think fear is a part of my problem, but I don't rule out that somewhere deep in my subconscious this might be an issue. I'll continue to see if I can identify it.

Just this morning we tried to have sex again. Kissing resulted in a 40% erection. The idea of instigating foreplay didn't really make me feel great, but once we got into it the sensations of being intimate where pleasant enough. I have to agree that I just need to push myself to try and relearn how to feel good with a woman. However, I just couldn't get hard enough to penetrate so I brought her off using other methods so that she had a sense of release.

I just have to keep at it until I recover. There are no alternatives.

Thanks again for your reply. The support we give each other here is inestimable. I'll always be grateful.

Deadcat

  • Guest
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #56 on: August 28, 2018, 01:20:09 PM »
How much are you trying to have sex or are you just avoiding it completely?  I know I have tried multiple times.  Successful with some and failed with others.  I have, however, found some positive results.  If you're not trying, however, I wonder if you're not adding a component to your reboot that's needed, sex. 

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #57 on: August 28, 2018, 04:57:22 PM »
Hi Deadcat.

I've tried a few times, and failed. The problem at the moment is that I just have zero libido, so my attempts feel very artificial. I've tried because I know I need to get back in saddle, so to speak, not because I felt horny.

I just have to keep going.

Deadcat

  • Guest
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #58 on: August 29, 2018, 10:59:16 AM »
Unfortunately I can't help here.  I've had times when I had no desire to have sex, but my libido has returned and I've found myself extremely horny at times.  I'm sure with time your libido will return as well.  I'd keep trying, not necessarily with sex but with everything else to get that spark started.  Persistence is the key.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #59 on: August 29, 2018, 01:50:09 PM »
Thanks Deadcat.

There are times when I feel like I'm getting my 'zip' back but then it turns out to be a false dawn.

The suns gotta rise one day though!  ;)

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #60 on: September 01, 2018, 08:10:23 AM »
Week 35, day 243.

The last 3 days have been absolutely shit! In fact, they've been shitter than shit!

I've had porn cravings as severe as I had in week one. I'm crawling out of my fucking skin here! It's as though the cravings had just been hiding in the shadows and as soon as my attention was distracted they came slithering out. The cravings are manifesting themselves as an actual physical force which is increasing the pressure inside my head. I'm about ready to explode. I keep catching myself fantasising about a fetish which I know to be porn induced because I didn't have it 5 years ago. I'm not having porn flashbacks because I've forgotten most of the porn scenes I've seen, but the fantasising about situations I would like to be in is driving me mad!

Fortunately, I haven't relapsed. I haven't looked at porn. I don't understand how I've ended up fighting this battle like it's day one again!

Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to write shit down to give myself some perspective and hopefully it will help anyone else who find themselves in the same boat.


mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #61 on: September 02, 2018, 02:47:06 PM »
Week 35, Day 244.

I really wasn't expecting it but last night I got an erection with my girlfriend and we had sex.  :)

These last 48 hours have been the strangest I can remember. Emotional lows and highs, cravings and eventually sex.

The sex wasn't amazing, probably because I was worried about losing my erection. However, I maintained a decent erection (I started to lose it a little, but recovered) for about 10 minutes. My penis wasn't very sensitive and it was hard going trying to finish but I made it.

I have to be careful about the chaser effect now as I had some strong porn cravings again. I was starting to lose all hope if I'm honest. I'm not out of the woods and I'm not expecting my sex life to lift off as a result of one successful night. The thing to remember is that it's been over 2 years since I last had sex.

To anyone who is rebooting, I think I've have/had a very severe case of PIED (read my first post on this thread), but if you stick to the reboot program you will see results. I'll keep updating on any progress I make.

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1063
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #62 on: September 02, 2018, 08:05:24 PM »
Hey congrats, Mouse! That's very promising. Hopefully you feel more optimistic about your future now. Do be careful about the chaser effect - I had that in spades. Even after very satisfying sex, it would put me into a sex frenzy and I'd want to see some porn soon after. You just have to keep doing what you've been doing - don't let any temptations enter your thinking. But you've come a long way, nice work. Is your girlfriend happy too?

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #63 on: September 02, 2018, 09:32:44 PM »
Hi malando.

Yea she is!   ;)

Thanks for the caution. These are just the first shoots of recovery!

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #64 on: September 14, 2018, 02:40:53 PM »
I thought I'd check in and post an update on my progress after I had sex two weeks ago. It's day 256 and I'm back in a kind of flatline. Morning erections are weak and I don't feel any real desire for sex. I do, however, really want to look at some porn. This must be the famous chaser effect. The cravings are driving me mad and I've caught myself fantasising. I have avoided touching myself while this is going on because I don't want my brain to link orgasming with fantasy. I don't feel depressed about this setback because I think my night of passion a couple of weeks ago has given me some hope that I will recover.

I just have to stay strong (my focus is really poor at the moment) and not give in to the cravings. I'm looking forward to being able to say that I've been porn free for one year! This is the longest period without porn since I discovered it as a teenager. Writing that last sentence really brings home how far porn intrudes on our lives.

Good luck to everyone else who is rebooting!

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 293
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #65 on: September 19, 2018, 03:05:27 PM »
I'm starting to lose focus on my goal now. It's day 261 and I feel like a lot of the fire in my belly for undertaking this journey has gone out. Weird fantasies started popping into my head this last week and it's been a bit difficult pushing them away. I suppose that porn has been so deeply ingrained into my brain it's going to take a long time to get the crud out, a bit like a mechanic who only really has clean hands after months off work. It kind of has to grow out of you.

I've had too much free time the last couple of weeks and I've been trying to keep my mind busy by reading. Each time I find myself tempted to click on some porn I just dangle the carrot of ONE YEAR porn free in front of my eyes and that seems to work. I don't think a year is going to fix my problem. This is going to take a hell of a lot longer.

Still, I've stayed strong. I haven't looked at porn for 261 days. I must be nearing the crest of the hill sometime soon.

Good luck to everyone else on their journey.

Quickdraw McGraw

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #66 on: November 14, 2018, 03:21:52 PM »
Mouse, I'm an old friend with a new name.  I too am back at flatline.  I'm over 9 months into my healing and only a little behind you.  I've been able to occasionally have quality sex with my wife but its rare.  While I've not really had much desire to look at porn, I do stare far too long at pretty girls on the web.  Damn that click bait.  I have slipped twice.  Actually, I've only slipped once.  I intentionally decided to test myself just a couple of days ago for my second "slip."  After failing with my wife, first to get hard and second to hold my ejaculation, I decided to test my situation.  I loaded up an old friend and still struggled to get hard and maintain and erection.  My problem is pretty deep and I either need a lot of time or something more severe.  I made a doctors appointment for Monday and hoping to get some help.  I posed getting a sex therapist to my wife but she only laughed.  I was serious.  I need to fix my problem.  I'm to young (45) and she's too hot for me to have this problem.  I want to fix it.  But I recognize that my bad habits caused this problem and I need to take responsibility. 

Best of luck my friend.

Gavalar09

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 23
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #67 on: November 15, 2018, 05:14:11 AM »
So all you guys are suffering from erections like no morning wood and weak erections?
It's been 219 days for me, stated having sex on day 117 but I seem to be back in flatline again?!
Too many orgasm from sex caused me another flatline?

Quickdraw McGraw

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #68 on: November 15, 2018, 02:24:02 PM »
So all you guys are suffering from erections like no morning wood and weak erections?
It's been 219 days for me, stated having sex on day 117 but I seem to be back in flatline again?!
Too many orgasm from sex caused me another flatline?

Personally I get morning wood but cannot get an erection without physical stimulation and even then it's weak and doesn't last very long.

Gavalar09

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 23
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #69 on: November 15, 2018, 04:25:58 PM »
This concerns me...
I've seen alot getting morning wood whilst I'm not getting anything this far in

Quickdraw McGraw

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #70 on: November 16, 2018, 08:09:18 AM »
Usually have an O will set you back in a flatline.  I am kind of there myself.  I'm only 9 months in and can only speak from my experience and from what I've read but the recovery seems to come and go in waves.  Some days you'll have more feeling below then others.  I also think recovery time is dependent on the person.  Your brain may take longer to recover.  This isn't a UPS package promised to be delivered in two days or else.  You can pretty much expect the package to get delayed or lost in the mail but one day you'll get what you're looking for.  Hang in there buddy.  I'm 20 years older than you and on this site just the same.  Be thankful you found the site when you did and hopefully can avoid some of my pain.  25 is young.  Lots of relationships to be had.  I've read numerous posts on here where men have been on this site, recovering and found a partner.  They were honest with this person and allowed their partner to be part of their recovery.  That seemed to help.  You can do this too.  Just keep fighting.

Gavalar09

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 23
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #71 on: November 17, 2018, 11:38:32 AM »
I don't know quickshot, I think I'm gonna relapse, the fact I'm not getting morning wood this far into a reboot isn't right at all.
I think it's more physical because 6 months of nofap isn't helping one bit.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 357
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #72 on: November 17, 2018, 03:22:48 PM »
And why would you go back to porn despite knowing the risks and the harm it does? This sounds like a stupid plan and you should rethink relapsing.

All the best!
ten months clean and counting...

Quickdraw McGraw

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #73 on: November 19, 2018, 02:31:15 PM »
Planning a relapse is not a good idea. 

I understand entirely the frustration of being so far a long with few positive results, however, I can tell you going back to our bad habits is a sure way to ensure you don't heal at all.

Keep reading.  Keep watching videos.  Educate yourself.  Don't quit.

Gavalar09

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 23
    • View Profile
Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #74 on: November 19, 2018, 02:35:59 PM »
I read a sex story, did orgasm but ended up back in a flatline, penis has shrunk completely.
I didn't even get hard for fuck sake and still I ended up with brain fog and my penis has shrunk to the size of an acorn!
I didn't even watch porn!