Author Topic: The Monkey On My Back  (Read 1952 times)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2018, 04:09:57 PM »
I suspect that as we get older out erections become weaker, probably because of other health conditions which effect blood flow. You're still young at 49 so I don't think your age would make a huge difference. Smoking and diabetes can certainly cause men in their 50s to start experiencing problems. This might help explain some factors.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201205/erection-changes-after-50-the-facts

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2018, 05:03:59 PM »
Excellent article! Thanks! ;)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2018, 01:06:35 PM »
Tomorrow will be day 120. It's been an interesting 4 months. I'm still in a heavy flatline. I haven't even been waking up with morning wood since I decided to masturbate (without porn or fantasy) a week and a half ago. The last couple of days I've been getting really vivid porn flashbacks and today I've been fighting hard against looking at porn. I won't give in though. Porn is not an option. I've stuck to my task these last 120 days and there is no way I'm going to set my recovery back now. I couldn't face another long reboot again.

I have no idea how long this is going to take. I thought that because I wasn't brought up on high speed internet porn that I'd heal quicker. My first reboot was pretty fast. However, I think that since my last relapse the genres I was masturbating to had become more and more extreme and as a result I'm probably going to need a long time to rebalance my brain.

I feel totally asexual. I have absolutely no desire for sex. I realise I'm just going to have to 'batten down the hatches' and push on with my reboot. It's really frustrating and a little demoralising to be honest. I think it's because I have no idea how long it's going to take. If someone told me it would take 6 months then I would be looking forward to completing my 6 months. I'm having some doubts and think that this could take me a year or maybe two to heal. It's the not knowing which is driving me crazy.


badmaan

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #28 on: May 09, 2018, 08:33:30 AM »
I have now been porn free for 120 days. This morning I decided to masturbate without porn or fantasy. The reason for this is that even after 120 days I am still stuck in a very heavy flatline. I'd had some nocturnal erections but no daytime, spontaneous erections.

I wanted to masturbate to orgasm to see if it would kick start my recovery a little. The next few days should be interesting. I would say that my penis was about 90-95% hard while I masturbated, which clearly shows that I still have issues. The whole experience was a bit unrewarding if I'm honest. It was a hollow experience. It just felt very mechanical and when I ejaculated, it wasn't particularly enjoyable. I suspect that this is because the neural connections related to porn and masturbation have pretty much been severed, but now I need to rewire my brain to seek normal sexual rewards. Fortunately, I do have my girlfriend, although at the moment I still have zero libido.


Regarding porn use, I have had no urges to look at porn. In fact, I find it very difficult to even remember any porn I've watched! All HOCD impulses have disappeared. My porn use had cornered me into getting off to sissy porn and fortunately I haven't had any thoughts related to this for about a month and a half. I think I have broken my addiction to porn! Obviously, I mustn't be complacent. However, this reboot feels very different to the previous reboots in that I now have no cravings to look at porn.

I'll post any insights or progress after my masturbation session in a few days.

Stay strong and avoid porn!
Download happy wheels | run 3 full game.

It's great what you've accomplished. I lost the account but I have been without PMO for approximately 7 months. And as you say, I've lost interest in PMO too. Everything is the desire to return to a normal sexual life, which is already happening.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #29 on: May 09, 2018, 08:47:22 AM »
Thanks for the feedback badmaan.

7 months is an amazing run. I hope you keep it going. How long did it take you before you started returning to normal sexual desires?

Good luck and stay strong!  ;)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #30 on: May 11, 2018, 02:39:05 AM »
It's day 130 and I'm still stuck in this flatline! I had the first real sensation of losing hope today and wanted to console myself with some porn. I didn't and I won't. I'm never going through this shit again! I just want to feel like a man again. Right now I feel sexless and powerless and I did this to myself. I just want to walk around and know there is a penis in my pants. Right now I feel as though I've had my penis cut off.  :(

My mind is really trying to convince me to look at porn. I'm one click away from undoing all this hard work but I know that's madness.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 04:00:29 AM by mousemat1 »

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #31 on: May 12, 2018, 03:35:40 AM »
It's been said many times but I think it's worth repeating, rebooting is not a linear process. I'm writing this because yesterday I felt as though my penis was dead, but this morning I woke up with a raging hard on.

There are moments when I have real doubts that rebooting with heal my PIED, but I just try to push the thoughts out of my head. These thoughts are not reality. All thoughts about possible future outcomes of my reboot are simply illusory. The reality of my situation is that I have PIED as a result of years of watching pornography. I'm just trying to remain focused on the fact that I have another 24 hours in which I have to avoid porn. If I think about how long this recovery is going to take there are two problems associated with this. Firstly, I don't know how long it's going to take so all thoughts about my recovery are illusory. Secondly, if I think that I'll have to wait another 5 months to recover it seems overwhelming and a challenge that I don't have the power to overcome. Thinking about the next 24 hours is manageable. I read an article somewhere that in the military recruits are asked to answer the question, 'how would you eat and elephant?'. The logical answer being, one bite at a time. This is how I want to approach my reboot.

I've read a number of posts on this forum addressing the issue of honesty in relationships. I understand why this is a big issue for partners of porn addicts and I obviously can't speak for all porn addicts, but here is my point of view on this point. Firstly, there are only two possible outcomes to any question; an honest answer or a dishonest answer. There are obviously situations where somebody answers a question out of ignorance. Somebody might ask you for directions to a street and you mistakenly send them in the wrong direction. Obviously, this is not an intentional decision to deceive somebody. However, I've read posts about partners revealing their pain at being lied to about their other half's porn addiction and see this as some kind of betrayal. There are no grey areas here. A lie is a lie. What is important in these confrontations is the motivation of the liar. If you are making a real effort to quit porn so that you can focus your attention on your partner and give them the commitment that a long term relationship deserves then I would excuse a dishonest answer to a direct question about your porn use and relapses. Make no mistake, it is still a lie, but if your motivation is to protect your partner from unnecessary pain then I think it might be acceptable. If you are lying to your partner about your porn addiction and have no intention of quitting then you are a bastard! It is for this reason I believe motivation is all important. There is no partner who has never lied to their other half. They might be motivated by a desire to reassure (no, my last partner's penis wasn't as big as yours / I've only had sex with one other guy), but make no mistake that if you've ever used this kind of tactic, you are a liar. So, if your partner is really trying to quit their addiction try not to be too distraught if you discover they have lied about their porn use during their reboot. I know this sounds overly simplistic and when you feel the rawness of the pain it's very difficult to be objective about it. I have lied to my partner about my porn use in the past, but I was really trying hard to stop using. It made no sense to make her feel worse about our situation. Nevertheless, under the strict guideline of what is honest or dishonest, I am a liar!

Porn becomes a habit, like biting your nails, and while we are trying to kick the habit there are going to be moments when we unconsciously put our fingers in our mouths. During my past reboots I didn't want to relapse but there were occasions where I discovered that I had my fingers in my mouth. It takes time to unravel these habitual patterns and it's incredibly difficult but I for one am determined to overcome this addiction and my motivation behind this is so I can be a better person for my partner.

Porn addicts don't need fully functioning penises in order to get our pleasure. We don't need sexual partners. We have the internet and vaginas are redundant. So, if your partner is trying to beat this addiction I think it's reasonable to assume that they're motivated by something other than wanting penetrative sex. That other motivation might just be their deeper understanding of the pain they are causing the person they love.

So, porn addicts, make a decision. If you decide that you want to get your kicks from internet porn leave your partner today and let them find someone with whom they can develop and grow and feel some self worth. If you love your partner then beat this addiction for them! Be strong and make your partner the most important reason you are going to overcome this addiction. Good luck and, if you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm just thinking out loud but I hope my story might be of help to some other rebooters.  ;)
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 03:59:19 AM by mousemat1 »

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #32 on: May 27, 2018, 02:43:11 PM »
Today is day 146 of my reboot!  :)

My previous best run without porn was 146 days before I relapsed.

Every day from today is a real victory for me. I remember I was in a flatline during my previous run of 146 days. I panicked and relapsed. I am still in a really deep flatline after 146 days of this reboot but I feel calm about it. It hasn't been easy although I really haven't had strong porn cravings for a couple of months. I just hope that I come out of this flatline soon because it's really frustrating not being able to have sex with my partner.

Good luck and stay strong!  ;)

shattered

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #33 on: May 29, 2018, 04:51:34 PM »
Interesting post.  I could have wrote it myself, except I've had less successes.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2018, 07:42:27 AM »
I just thought I'd check in with an update.

I'm 156 days porn free, which feels great!  :)

I'm 156 days into my flatline, which doesn't feel so great!  :(

I've been having some porn 'flashbacks' over the last few days but I just push them out of my mind. I had a strong morning erection about a 4 days ago, which was encouraging. I've had nothing significant happen since then. I've noticed how sexy my girlfriend is recently, which I think is a sign of recovery. I just wish I could feel like having sex and be physically able to do it.

Still, I'm happy with my streak. This is without doubt the longest I've ever gone without porn for at least 20 years, possibly longer.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #35 on: July 03, 2018, 01:40:09 AM »
I pleased to report that I've just completed my first 6 months without porn. My only worry is that even after 182 days I'm still in a flatline. I get occasional morning erections and I can get 80% hard by touch alone (no fantasy), but my libido is zero.

It's really frustrating. I'm more convinced than ever that this it is going to take over a year to heal my PIED.  :(

It's been great reading other people's success stories. It's just a matter of hanging in there and waiting until I can post my own success story.   

Stay strong!

dolle

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #36 on: July 03, 2018, 04:26:25 PM »
It is really hard to read that. I also try to reboot from January with up-s and downs it  is not fine road. Please go visit doctor make a laboratory check. I know that most of things hiding inside our brains but it is also hormones problems. Please take some ZMA zinc , magnesium and B6. Check level of prolactin and testosterone.

Good luck and stay fight i understand what do You feel bro.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #37 on: July 04, 2018, 02:16:41 AM »
Hi Dolle.

Thanks for your advice. I am taking zinc and magnesium. I don't think it's a physical problem because I sometimes wake up with a very strong erection. The problem is that I can't get an erection when I want one.

I know it's the flatline. I just have to stay strong and patient.

How is your reboot coming along. I read that you're 7 months into your reboot. Are you able to have sex with your wife yet? I also had DE for a while before I developed PIED. I was very stupid but I underestimated the damage that porn can cause. I think I really warped my brain, so it's going to take a long time to recover. I can't relapse because I don't want to have to repeat this process again.  :(

Good luck with your reboot. Stay strong and I look forward to reading your success story!  ;)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #38 on: July 06, 2018, 08:08:29 AM »
I just wanted to post about a development in my reboot. Yesterday was day 182 and I had the urge to masturbate. I managed to get hard by touch alone and then I masturbated, very gently, by stroking, not gripping, with only two fingers. I used the lightest possible touch. The sensitivity of my penis was very high and I came after a short while.

This is an important step for me in my recovery. Two days ago I felt nothing, but now I start getting some spontaneous semi-erections just thinking about sex. I can feel that I'm more sensitive. Hopefully, this is the end of my flatline and I can start having sex again soon.

For anyone else who is taking a long time to reboot, stick at it! I feel more optimistic today and more determined than ever to avoid porn forever! Good luck!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #39 on: July 10, 2018, 01:14:20 AM »
I can feel my libido returning. During my reboot I've have no real urge to masturbate, but the last few days I've really been feeling the pressure build to crack one off. I think that this is a sign that I'm coming out of the deepest part of my flatline.

The problem is that I noticed that some HOCD thoughts crept into my mind this morning. So, there are still some old imprints from my porn days still waiting to be purged. I have a suspicion that this period of my reboot could result in a relapse. I need to stay focused. The deepest part of my flatline was a relief because I just had no sexual thoughts at all. If anyone has any advice from their own experience about this part of the recovery stage, please help me out.

Stay strong!

Deadcat

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #40 on: July 11, 2018, 08:24:43 AM »
Mouse, thanks for sharing.  Our journeys seem to be on a similar path.  You're about a month ahead of me but I having the same experience.  I'm not on hard mode and have masturbated with some success.  But mostly I'm living in limp dick city which must be in Australia because "down under" I feel nothing.  It sucks but like you I'm being patient.  I'm just praying I'm more of a one year reboot guy and not a 2 to 3 year like I've read with some.  Regardless, I'm on this road until I'm healed.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #41 on: July 11, 2018, 08:53:29 AM »
Hi Deadcat.

Thanks for the reply. How frequently have you been masturbating? Do you find that you go into another heavy flatline after you masturbate. I masturbated on the 20th April and I seemed to go into another deep flatline. I masturbated again on the 1st of this month and I was still getting some morning erections in the days after. I masturbated again yesterday morning and during the day I was getting 'a rumour' in my pants later in the day. It seems I can masturbate without worsening my flatline at the moment (I don't want to exaggerate though). I'm going to give myself another week or two without to see if things improve.

The one thing I have noticed is that my sensitivity is high, which is a huge improvement. When I'm ready for sex again the problem is probably going to be premature ejeculation, but I could live with that if I could just get hard enough and long enough to have sex.

You're 100% right, my friend! This sucks! It's great to hear that you're committed to this no matter how long it takes. I hope you recover soon.   ;)    I find it hard to believe that anyone could take 2 to 3 years to recover if they stick to hard mode. You're right though, some guys are reporting loooooong reboots!

Good luck and I hope to read your success story soon!  :)

Deadcat

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #42 on: July 11, 2018, 02:54:03 PM »
Yes.  After masturbating I do go into flatline.  Shriveled penis.  Loss of morning wood.  When I go without, I get morning wood sometimes I get erections during the day.  I also notice my penis looks larger when I go without masturbating.  Sounds like you are turning a corner.  I hope I'm not far behind.  I do think my four years of ED drug dependence is coming into play.  My mind doesn't know how to get hard without them.  I need to stay off of those and remind myself what its like to become erect with out help from Porn and from drugs.

malando

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #43 on: July 11, 2018, 04:37:59 PM »
Hi mousemat, I've read your thread with interest. I think you're doing well with beating your addiction but one thing that strikes me is that you are waiting for your libido to return in a vacuum. I mean, you have an attractive partner, and instead of directing some affection towards her and seeing how your body responds, you are staying in your own protected space waiting for the urge to have sex to return before going to seek out your attractive partner. Does this not sound a bit strange to you?

 In my opinion, you need to be physically interacting with your partner in order to reinstate a response to her. Over the age of 50, I don't think your body "owes" you any erections - you aren't the fountain of testosterone you once were. You need to seek out the intimacy with your girlfriend to awaken those feelings. I'm not really surprised that you are having an eternal flatline because you have trained yourself off sex. Of course that was necessary to beat your addiction, but eventually the void must be filled by the healthy alternative that inspired you to reboot. Maybe you are wanting to feel more confident that things will work with your girlfriend before you risk intimacy with her? But you can't do that forever. She can't wait forever and neither can you. If you don't rewire to sex with people,your recovery will remain incomplete. You have to take a leap of faith at some point. You don't have to dive right in and announce that you plan to do the deed. Just start with some tender touching and observe if you feel the arousal building. I suspect it will, but you have to leave your safe cocoon to try it. Nature made us to respond to the real situation of sex - not abstract, lonely thoughts about maybe one day having strong erections with yourself! I think you've done your time, time to put yourself out there and experience your response to your girlfriend.

Just my take. Best wishes, M.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2018, 04:40:14 PM by malando »

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #44 on: July 11, 2018, 05:49:42 PM »
Hi malando.

Thanks for your comments. I have been trying to be intimate with my partner. This is the whole purpose of my reboot. Even when we are touching I get very weak erections which aren't sufficient for penetrative sex and the erection doesn't last that long anyway. I think the reality is that I'm not at that stage of my recovery yet. The last time I rebooted successfully my brain and my penis just reconnected and away we went. This time there is still some disconnection so I know I'll have to wait a while longer. We still enjoy each others bodies but I think the sensitivity of my dopamine receptors is still off whack.

I'll keep you posted on any developments though.   ;)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #45 on: July 20, 2018, 08:04:36 AM »
Today is day 200. While I'm happy to have been porn free for 200 days, I'm not so happy about my progress. A few weeks ago I felt as though my interest in sex was returning. Now, I feel nothing!

My morning erections are sporadic. When I'm with my partner I feel absolutely no urge to get intimate with her. In fact, the idea sometimes make me feel ill. I could try to force myself to be intimate but I know that I wouldn't get hard enough to penetrate her. I am just void of all sexual thoughts.

There is one exception. I know I could get excited to porn. I've gone this far and there is no way I can even contemplate breaking my reboot, but I'm pretty sure that I could get 100% hard if I opened up some porn.

I suppose there is still a long journey ahead of me. I'm in two minds whether to reintroduce some regular masturbation (perhaps once a week), but after reading lots of posts here and on https://www.yourbrainonporn.com it seems that most long rebooters recommend sticking to hard mode.

I feel a bit down this week. It's strange. I'm proud of my run but I really expected to have seen some concrete signs of recovery. Having said that, I read Gabe's story and he also took a long time to recover.

Stay strong and hopefully we'll all recover.

Deadcat

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #46 on: July 20, 2018, 11:51:34 AM »
I'm right there with you.  Stay strong.  It's a long journey but the benefits will be worth the struggle.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #47 on: July 20, 2018, 12:43:10 PM »
Thanks Deadcat.

Sometimes the journey wears you down, but if we keep the goal in mind, we'll get there in the end.   :)

thomasJ

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #48 on: July 21, 2018, 10:22:56 AM »
Nice journey, I will keep an eye on it.
If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
2048 cupcakes

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #49 on: July 27, 2018, 05:57:51 AM »
I woke up this morning, Day 207, with a really strong erection. I lay in bed thinking about the things I needed to do at work today and 15 minutes later I still had a strong erection. This feels like a significant step for me. I don't know if it is a sign of the healing process, but it certainly was something I haven't experienced since I was in my late teens or early 20s.

Usually, if I wake up with an erection it disappears within a couple of minutes.

I'll keep posting any developments if I think they might be useful signs of recovery.