Author Topic: The Monkey On My Back  (Read 5012 times)

malando

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #75 on: November 19, 2018, 05:08:53 PM »
I read a sex story, did orgasm but ended up back in a flatline, penis has shrunk completely.
I didn't even get hard for fuck sake and still I ended up with brain fog and my penis has shrunk to the size of an acorn!
I didn't even watch porn!

Effectively, you did. Erotic stories can be just as stimulating as images. You got the same dopamine rush as you would have got from looking at pics or videos. I'm sure you could see what was happening in the story quite clearly in your imagination, right? That ability to picture things would have been contributed to by your memories of porn. I think your reaction now shows that it was like a relapse. Don't make arbitrary distinctions between what counts as porn and what doesn't. That's how replaces happen. It sounds like you have a severe case of PIED, but it certainly won't be cured by messing about with temptation. So it comes down to how badly you want to recover - are you willing to do this as long as it takes? Or have to set a limit for your patience and you are prepared to go down the road of no return if you aren't successful by then?

Gavalar09

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #76 on: November 19, 2018, 06:06:36 PM »
I already feel like I'm on the road of no return. Low libido for 6 months. Flatlining after sex. How do we know this isn't permanent? We've messed that much with our dopamine receptors. I doubt my girlfriend will want to stay with someone who's impotent for months/years...

malando

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #77 on: November 20, 2018, 03:49:16 AM »
I already feel like I'm on the road of no return. Low libido for 6 months. Flatlining after sex. How do we know this isn't permanent? We've messed that much with our dopamine receptors. I doubt my girlfriend will want to stay with someone who's impotent for months/years...
I can understand why you would be feeling disillusioned, but the overwhelming evidence suggests that people do recover - the only variables being how long it takes and how many hiccups happened along the way. I suspect most people who report zero success are not being as honest as they they appear in terms of commitment to the task (ie. more relapse incidents than they care to divulge). I'm not saying that is necessarily you, but on the other hand, you did just report a PMO incident around an erotic story. May I ask how often this sort of thing tends to happen for you? You might be one of those people who is much more sensitive to a relapse than some others. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, and when did you start watching porn?

Gavalar09

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #78 on: November 20, 2018, 03:59:41 AM »
Hi mate.
No I do understand, I've read everything possible on this topic over the last year. After six months I just wanted to kick start my libido back up...
This would be my fourth relapse in 221 days, all of which have not been porn per se, just searching with the images blurred out. But still not good enough.
I'm 25 and have been watching porn daily for 7 years, last 3 have been about every 2 weeks or more, due to being in relationship. This 221 days has been where I found out about porn.
My porn usage never escalated but I experienced ED

malando

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #79 on: November 20, 2018, 06:12:40 PM »
Hi mate.
No I do understand, I've read everything possible on this topic over the last year. After six months I just wanted to kick start my libido back up...
This would be my fourth relapse in 221 days, all of which have not been porn per se, just searching with the images blurred out. But still not good enough.
I'm 25 and have been watching porn daily for 7 years, last 3 have been about every 2 weeks or more, due to being in relationship. This 221 days has been where I found out about porn.
My porn usage never escalated but I experienced ED
I hear you, mate. That's rough.

I wonder whether you are experiencing a sexual disconnect in your life now. Maybe because of this trauma of having ED and also anxiety around feeling totally non-responsive and worrying that your girlfriend is going to leave you, you are probably all up in your head around sex rather than feeling it instinctively like nature intended it. I wonder whether you could try to tap back into your natural animal instincts by trying something different with your girlfriend. Maybe try just focussing on her pleasure. Try exciting her in every way you can think of without being touched yourself. You can start with a massage, try kissing her all over her body, give her manual and oral stimulation and try to just enjoy her reaction and pleasure (hopefully it's a good reaction!). I think that might help you to reconnect with your drive and desire because I think your brain would become stimulated by your girlfriend being aroused, positive, pleasured. Your brain and body will want to be part of that. I think you might have too much anxiety and worry around sex at the moment and it's blocking your access to the pleasure and drive side, which I'm sure still exists.

A few questions though, which are pretty important for this to have a chance of working:
- May I ask if you are doing anything with her sexually/intimately at the moment?
- Would you desire to try what I am suggesting?
- Does your girlfriend excite you enough that you would feel motivated to do such a thing? (are you attracted to her?)
- Would she be on board with it? Would she be happy to be pleasured this way without reciprocation?
- How is the general state of your relationship with her? Are you getting along? Happy as a couple?
- Is she upset about the sex situation? Or is she patiently waiting for your reboot?
- Do you find yourself mentally aroused with your girlfriend, but physically unresponsive? Or just generally uninterested with her? If it's the former, I wonder whether you should try some viagra etc at some stage if you are sure you are mentally desiring your girlfriend but it's just your body not complying (traditional ED). But if you think it's PIED still, you need to reboot for longer. Viagra won't fix PIED.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2018, 06:16:29 PM by malando »

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #80 on: November 25, 2018, 01:30:09 PM »
Hi guys.

Sorry I didn't reply earlier but I've had a really bad month. I slipped up a couple of times. I don't want to reset my counter to zero as I think it would just crush me!

Thanks Quick Draw for they support.

Gavalar, we've just got to stick at it. There is no other option. My flatline was devastating. I just felt like my sexuality had been surgically removed. It's hell. I know my problem isn't physical because my erections when I slipped up were good. We've just got to face up to the fact that we've fucked our brains up and we need to give them time to heal.

You're not alone my friend. Together we can beat this!

Good luck!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #81 on: January 03, 2019, 07:03:08 AM »
Well, I stayed strong and avoided all porn for a grand total of 275 days and then I slipped. I saw what I thought was an innocuous picture of a pole dancer and that triggered the desire to start looking at soft core pictures. This inevitably lead to looking for harder material. I can't say I truly binged but I have to count it as a real set back because in the last 3 months I've slipped a few times.

I set my counter to zero on January 1st. I'm on day three of no PMO. My resolve is weak, I have to confess, but I just need to stay focused and continue adding to my journal here as it helps to keep me focused.

I was really going well. It just proves how strong this addiction is. We can't really become complacent for a moment because once this porn pathways have been fired up it's hell trying to avoid porn.

Good luck everyone!

chivikoko

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #82 on: January 04, 2019, 12:45:05 PM »
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Rebooter2019

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #83 on: January 31, 2019, 07:09:32 PM »
Well, I stayed strong and avoided all porn for a grand total of 275 days and then I slipped. I saw what I thought was an innocuous picture of a pole dancer and that triggered the desire to start looking at soft core pictures. This inevitably lead to looking for harder material. I can't say I truly binged but I have to count it as a real set back because in the last 3 months I've slipped a few times.

I set my counter to zero on January 1st. I'm on day three of no PMO. My resolve is weak, I have to confess, but I just need to stay focused and continue adding to my journal here as it helps to keep me focused.

I was really going well. It just proves how strong this addiction is. We can't really become complacent for a moment because once this porn pathways have been fired up it's hell trying to avoid porn.

Good luck everyone!


Hey mousemat,

I read the 4 pages of this post and even though you slipped, I must say that I'm really impressed! You did 275 days of not looking to porn even with all the drawback and the almost nonexistence of seeable progress. It's been almost 2 years that I'm doing my best and keep relapsing. The best I did was 29 days. I had to tell you, because you actually inspire me to keep going and that it's possible if you continue.

I know how it feel to relapse after reaching a point you never reached before, but you can do it. You've already done it!

I wish everyone the best.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #84 on: February 14, 2019, 06:11:42 PM »
Thanks Rebooter. Your word really mean a lot. I'm struggling to get back on track at the moment but I feel as though the 'porn fever' is starting to subside a little again so hopefully I can get another run going.

I wish you the best of luck with your reboot. This addiction is really shit. We've just got to do our best!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #85 on: March 04, 2019, 04:09:12 AM »
I decided to reset my counter. I relapsed and at first it wasn't so serious. I glanced at porn for about 10 minutes on various days, but as you might expect, it escalated to watching once a day, everyday. I have always cautioned against binging if you relapse and I wasn't able to heed my own advice. The only positive I can take from this relapse is that I wasn't edging for hours. Sometimes, I was only searching for images and I didn't masturbate.

I'm on day 10 of my new reboot and one thing I have noticed is that the intensity of the cravings seem to have diminished by themselves. The idea to look at porn entered my head last night and I just couldn't be bothered. I'm hoping that this is a positive sign.

I'm going to have to write on here on a daily basis. I noticed that when I stopped contributing I lost focus and that led to the relapse.

Wish me luck!