Author Topic: The Monkey On My Back  (Read 5051 times)

mousemat1

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The Monkey On My Back
« on: March 31, 2018, 06:17:33 AM »

I discovered porn when I was about 13 years old. I found my dad’s stash of porn magazines and my turbulent affair with porn began. A few years later and most homes had a VHS recorder. My friends were able to get their hands on some grainy videos of porn and they would get passed around. I usually had a video for about a week and then I had to pass it on to another friend. As a result, there were always periods where I had no access to porn. The Internet came along and I was in porn paradise! The images were slow to download but after a few years the speed of the Internet improved and we find ourselves in a world where we can stream porn for free, whenever we want. However, porn isn’t free. Like most other things in life there is usually a price to pay. The price of porn is eventually castration!

I’ve had a good number of sexual relationships over the years. I noticed during one of my last relationships that it would take me forever to ejaculate. I would be dripping in sweat by the time I finished. My heart would be pounding and I would feel like death. I knew there was a problem but I didn’t connect it to porn. My girlfriend at the time, who knew nothing about my porn habits, told me I should stop watching porn. She knew instinctively that my delayed ejaculation (DE) was linked to porn use. I didn’t really think much about what she’d said. We split up when I got a new job in a different town. I met a new woman, my current girlfriend, and sex was good to start with. Then I started to suffer with DE. I thought it was just because of my age as I was coming up to my 50th birthday. Then I had a couple of occasions where I just couldn’t get an erection. This was followed by a general sense of disinterest in sex. Of course, I wasn’t disinterested in porn. I continued to watch porn whenever I had the opportunity.

In my opinion, edging is the worst possible masturbation strategy. I would edge for hours at a time. I discovered Gary Wilson’s video and I knew, without any doubt that he was describing my problem. I decided something had to be done. So I decided to reboot.

1st Reboot

My first reboot started on 10th November 2014 and was successful. I made the decision to eliminate all Porn, Mastubation and Orgam (PMO) and after only 38 days I was cured. I had some great sex with my girlfriend. The sensations were unbelievable! I had about 10 days where my sex life was back on track. Solid erections and reaching orgasm before my stamina gave out! It was amazing. Stupidly, I decided that just looking at some stills of beautiful women wouldn’t do any harm. No porn videos, no sex photos, just naked women. I didn’t watch porn for about a year but my interest in pictures of nude women escalated and I started reading fetish comics and then inevitably I started watching porn videos again on-line. Obviously, this resulted in the return of my previous PIED.

2nd Reboot

My second reboot started on 10th July 2015. After about 27 days I was getting very strong urges to look at porn but I resisted. I had flatlined for most of this period. I felt confident because my previous reboot had reaped its rewards after only 38 days. As a result, I was expecting to come out of my flatline about 10 days later. Day 38 came, and went and I was stuck in a heavy flatline. I wasn’t particularly worried. I was just looking forward to having sex with my girlfriend again when it was all over. Day 60 came, and went and I was still in my flatline. I was confident I’d come out of my flatline and things would be good again. Sexually, I felt nothing. No desire to masturbate or to have sex with my girlfriend! On day 71 I came back to life and I had sex with my girlfriend again and it was fantastic. I don’t know what possessed my but 5 days later I looked at some porn and I almost came without even touching myself. My head was swimming, my heart pumping. The excitement was incredible!  I got a little frightened by the experience. I hadn’t masturbated and I’d only glanced at porn for about 10 minutes. However, on day 100 I was online, watching and downloading porn just like in the past! It started slowly but escalated and before I knew it I had been spent 2 months watching porn and reverted to my same old masturbation habits. I tried to reduce my consumption of porn and could spend a few days without but I always returned to late night binges accompanied by edging during the long sessions. I was completely disgusted with myself. I decided that I would have to eliminate porn from my life once and for all. I decided to commit to my third and final reboot!

3rd Reboot

My 3rd reboot started on the 22nd February 2016. I had a 13 day streak and relapsed for one evening and started again. This lasted for 8 days before I relapsed for about an hour one evening. So, I started again. This time I managed an 11 day streak before I looked at porn one evening and masturbated. I started again! I started to get really strong cravings to look at porn on day 14 and on day 28 I looked at porn for about 1 minute and then I came to my senses, disconnected from the Internet and went to bed without masturbating. On 26th March I started from zero again and did well for 30 days but on day 30 I slipped a little. Nothing major just the odd glance for a minute or two and then I came to my senses and disconnected and went and did something else to distract myself. The problem is that this pattern of relapsing lasted from day 30 to day 36.

Interestingly, during my relapse between day 30 and day 36 I didn’t masturbate. I looked for a couple of minutes each day, probably a maximum of 2-3 minutes each time but I didn’t touch myself in any way. I mention this because I think it’s pretty significant. Those few minutes every day really set me back. They weren’t binges and didn’t involve MO but the old porn pathways were being strengthened even though I wasn’t masturbating to orgasm.

I should have been more vigilant and I thought I had ridden out the storm when on day 42 I had just added another successful day to my calendar and was about to switch off my computer and go to bed when, before I even knew it, I was watching porn, masturbating and edging. I couldn’t even recall the moment when my will power broke and I decided that looking at porn would be a good idea. This addiction is very, very powerful.

I decided not to reset my counter. It was only one evening. On day 69 I noted that my penis was completely lifeless. The only times it had been raised from its slumber were during the relapses to porn. If I watched porn I could get an erection. I also noted on day 69 that my testicles were aching a little. The flatline for me is a strange sensation. It feels as though my genitals have been removed. That area around my groin just feels empty. I also noted that I was becoming irritable and feeling a little depressed around this time. Nothing major but definitely a change in my mood.

I continued with this run (even though I had one brief relapse on day 69) and made the conscious decision to masturbate without porn or fantasy on day 84 and day 100. I just thought I needed to do something to wake up my libido. I was really happy when I was able to have sex again on day 113, day 120, day 127 and day 128. Unbelievably, 2 days later I masturbated to porn, then again 6 days later! I reset my counter and started again. Here is a break down of my next streak. It makes depressing reading.

24 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
9 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
83 days then I had sex.  :)
The next day PMO.
3 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
12 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
8 days then PMO.
2 days then 2 days of consecutive PMO.
2 days of consecutive PMO.
6 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
9 days then 2 days of consecutive PMO.

I was furious with myself so I decided to start a new reboot the next day.  >:(

4th reboot

Fueled by rage I really set out to beat this addiction! I managed to stay away from porn, masturbation and orgasm for 146 days!  :) I felt desperate on day 146. My penis was dead. It was numb to the touch and had shriveled away to almost nothing. I felt emasculated. What is a man without a penis? That’s how I felt. The rest of my body had sensations. I could feel that I had feet, hands, arms, back, legs and head. I couldn’t even feel that I had a penis. I was sad and I thought ‘fuck it!’ and masturbated to porn on the evening of day 146.  :(

I opened some porn and my dick immediately sprang to life. All of I sudden I could feel I had a penis. There it was erect, tingling and mocking me as if to say ‘give me what I want and I’ll give you’re the reassurance you’re still a man’. I ejaculated and 30 seconds later I had my head in my hands wondering why I’d just undone all the previous good work. I felt like shit. I woke up the next day depressed because I knew this was once again, day one.

10 days then PMO.
6 days then PMO.
62 days then PMO.
14 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
7 days then PMO.
10 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
1 day then 2 consecutive days of PMO.
3 days then PMO.
10 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.

This last period of relapse took me to a very dark place. By now my porn tastes had shifted from standard male/female fare to shemale porn and perhaps the most distressing of all, sissy porn. During 2017 I wasn’t able to have sex with my girlfriend. Not even once. I felt humiliated. Perhaps it was this humiliation that drove me to start watching sissy hypnosis. Here was all the justification I needed. I felt pathetic. I had a penis that didn’t work so I couldn’t satisfy my girlfriend. I had an asshole so perhaps I could get some pleasure that way. I started reading sissy blogs and was even considering hooking up with a gay friend I know. Some of the stuff I read on those blogs was sickening. It’s all about humiliation but for some reason the idea of humiliation was exciting. It was nonsense. I know I’m not gay. I’ve had a decent number of female sexual partners and our sex was always good. It’s very important to educate yourself about porn addiction and the scientific explanations about neuroplasticity. Clearly, this new ‘fetish’ was simply fueled by my rewards circuit's need for new, shocking porn and experiences. My dopamine receptors no longer got a sufficient hit from the porn genres I’d conditioned myself too previously. This primitive reward circuitry almost pushed me into becoming the receptive partner in a gay relationship. The idea of being penetrated was the only thing that was giving me a sufficiently high dopamine hit.  Fortunately, I came to my senses. I knew my porn use had distorted my perception of my own sexuality and from this very, very dark place I decided to finally get this monkey off my back.

On January 2nd 2018 I started my 5th reboot.

Today is day 89 and I have almost completely forgotten about transsexual porn and sissy porn. It doesn’t even enter my head. As I was writing the paragraph above it was almost as if I was writing about someone I don’t even know, but 3 months ago this was my reality. It’s proof of how porn destroys lives. I’ve almost finished my 90 day reboot in hardmode and I’m still flatlining. I have no libido. However, the changes in my thought patterns have been significant and I’m sure that it will only be a matter of time before I recover. This morning I stroked my penis for a few minutes while thinking about work (the least sexually stimulating thing I could think of) and I got an 80% erection. It’s a small indicator of the success to come I think.

Sorry for the long post but it helps me to get things off my chest and put into perspective. It might contain something that is relevant to you and hopefully will help anyone new to really understand the gravity of the problem and how important it is to break this addiction. I’ll continue to post progress reports or insights.

Good luck!  ;)

Red Bear

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 03:04:05 PM »
Interesting story, thanks for sharing. Good luck to you and hold on!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2018, 04:19:01 PM »
Well, I reached my 90 days and today is day 91!

In reality it makes no sense counting my reboot because I have no intention of looking a porn again but while I'm active on this forum I thought it might be useful for anyone who read it. The most common question always seems to be 'how long it will take'.

It might be useful to let you know where I am with my reboot. I still have no libido. I just have no interest in sex. I get the occasional nocturnal erection and also morning wood. It's usually about 80% hard. This morning my erection lasted about 4 minutes, which seems like an improvement.

My fetishes have pretty much disappeared. I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is! Three months ago I really felt I was trapped in a cycle of weird fetishes and I felt I was going a little crazy because I just couldn't understand why I was getting off to the stuff. Anyway, I have no cravings for fetishes although I do still get cravings for porn.

I have no idea when I'm going to come out of my flatline. At the moment, I suspect another 90 days won't be enough. I only have myself to blame. I had rewired my arousal to some strange stuff. It's going to take some time to heal.




Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2018, 04:42:25 PM »
Really interesting your story. It is true, one wonders how long it takes to recover. From what I sense in your story, you recovered several times. For those of us who read, it is a good indicator. Maybe the topic is to understand this that P is not an option, something that is believed to be overcome when you are already with your sexual life walking.
Thanks for sharing.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2018, 04:56:59 PM »
Hi Alex.

My first relapse was intentional. I thought that because I was having sex again and it was good, that I could re-intoduce some porn back into my free time and I could control it. My subsequent relapses were basically due to lack of will power. I tried to resist but the lure of porn was too strong.

Yea, if anybody takes anything from my story I want it to be that porn should never be an option, ever after you recover.

Thanks for the feedback.

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2018, 05:10:04 PM »
I say this from the feeling of being in the same boat. The desire for the virtual is always there. I have imposed it on me as a cost-benefit relationship. If you ask me in all honesty I would say that today I would do PMO, only that the cost I am paying for that is not able to have a good sex.
It occurs to me that this will go with one for a long time until it becomes an anecdote, or an old and annoying experience.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2018, 06:35:30 PM by Alex48 »

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2018, 05:03:45 AM »
Thanks for your reply Alex.

Yea, I agree with you. PMO is easy, always available and I can tailor it to my needs at that time. However, you kiss good sex goodbye! I would rather have the genuine connection with someone I love rather than sitting at my computer with my pants round my ankles.

I just wanted to post an update on my reboot. This morning I had strong, strong erection! It stayed with me for about 15 minutes. I see this as more green shoots of recovery. Today is day 93 of my reboot in hardmode. Yesterday, I noticed how small and lifeless my penis was and was surprised by my erection this morning. Rebooting is not linear. You have signs of recovery only to be thrown back against the rocks. Patience is the key. We have to just ride out the recovery process.

I've also been having some pornlike dreams. Obviously, I can't control these because I'm sleeping. My perspective on these kinds of dreams is that it's my brains way of dumping the trash out of my head! It's seems like a cleansing process to me.

Thanks for reading. I suppose I'm just writing for myself. I just need to see in words the thoughts that are in my head. I sometimes delete my posts instead of sending them but I suppose if I leave them here then they might be of some use to somebody.  ;)

Thanks again to this community and good luck to everyone on it!

twentySix2018

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2018, 05:09:15 AM »
Nice ! It’s so good to see some progress. Yesterday I had one that stayed with me for about 10 minutes. That’s really rare. But today it went away as soon as I got up

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2018, 05:38:52 AM »
It's all progress twentySix.

Stay strong! We are almost out of the woods, I hope!   :)

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2018, 05:24:52 AM »
I thought I'd report in today as it's day 100! This isn't my longest porn free/masturbation free streak but this one feels different. This time I feel as if I've really loosened porn's grip on my life. It hasn't been an easy 100 days. I took some very drastic measures at the beginning of this reboot to ensure I didn't masturbate, but at the moment I'm pretty much cruising in hardmode. I'm aware that this is the period where I have to remain vigilant because complacency can often result in a slip up.

So, after 100 days I'm still in my flatline. I get occasional morning erections and I can sometime coax my penis into an erection with gentle stroking. The strength isn't fantastic, it's about 80%. Anyway, I try not to stroke myself often (about once a week) because I don't want to trigger the urge to masturbate.

My penis is still pretty much lifeless. I have zero libido although a woman I was talking to yesterday was wearing a low cut top and I noted the shape of her breasts but I didn't even have a faint murmur of an erection. Three months ago I wouldn't have even been interested, so it feels like a change in my perception.

I've had a few mood swings, but that's to be expected with withdrawal. The strangest effect so far is the need to sleep. I'm completely exhausted most of the time and I almost fall asleep on my feet. Has anyone else had a similar symptom during their flatline/reboot?

Day 100 feels like an achievement, but in reality I need to remain porn free for the rest of my life so the number means nothing. I'm counting here so that other addicts can have some idea of what they might expect during their reboot. Thanks for reading and good luck!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2018, 01:04:13 AM »
I have now been porn free for 120 days. This morning I decided to masturbate without porn or fantasy. The reason for this is that even after 120 days I am still stuck in a very heavy flatline. I'd had some nocturnal erections but no daytime, spontaneous erections.

I wanted to masturbate to orgasm to see if it would kick start my recovery a little. The next few days should be interesting. I would say that my penis was about 90-95% hard while I masturbated, which clearly shows that I still have issues. The whole experience was a bit unrewarding if I'm honest. It was a hollow experience. It just felt very mechanical and when I ejaculated, it wasn't particularly enjoyable. I suspect that this is because the neural connections related to porn and masturbation have pretty much been severed, but now I need to rewire my brain to seek normal sexual rewards. Fortunately, I do have my girlfriend, although at the moment I still have zero libido.

Regarding porn use, I have had no urges to look at porn. In fact, I find it very difficult to even remember any porn I've watched! All HOCD impulses have disappeared. My porn use had cornered me into getting off to sissy porn and fortunately I haven't had any thoughts related to this for about a month and a half. I think I have broken my addiction to porn! Obviously, I mustn't be complacent. However, this reboot feels very different to the previous reboots in that I now have no cravings to look at porn.

I'll post any insights or progress after my masturbation session in a few days.

Stay strong and avoid porn!

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2018, 11:07:04 AM »
It's great what you've accomplished. I lost the account but I have been without PMO for approximately 7 months. And as you say, I've lost interest in PMO too. Everything is the desire to return to a normal sexual life, which is already happening.

Hugs

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2018, 03:29:59 PM »
Thanks Alex.   :)

Seven months is also an amazing achievement! Congratulations!

Has your passion for sex returned? If so, how many moths into your reboot did you start to feel normal arousal. I still have absolutely zero desire for sex.   :(

Thanks again and long may your run continue!

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2018, 04:38:23 PM »
I need to post a correction to a previous post. I said I had been porn free for 120 days when in reality is was only 109.

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2018, 06:53:52 PM »
Hello mousemat1. On your question, it is difficult for me to answer you. In my case, I'm single and I do not have a partner. So I could tell you that my sexual desire was always present. What happend was that when I met PIED, I realized that I had to do something.
Since I do not do more PMO, I had two sexual encounters. The last one was very recently. I would say that I let 6 months pass until I decided to have these meetings. In both I took CIALIS as a precaution. The erection does not come immediately, but once it did, there were no problems. The second time was better and I would tell you that I once again felt the desire with caresses and kisses. That is beautiful.
I would say that today is more encourage me to have more meetings, and let the body or brain do the rest of the rewiring. The feeling is very clear. What complicates me is that I'm not with someone to be able to check.
I hope you understand me. My English is bad hehe

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2018, 08:00:32 PM »
Thanks Alex. I understand perfectly. Your English is good.  :)

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2018, 08:35:15 PM »
And how are you doing? Have you been able to feel and see what happens? I understand that you are in a couple, no?.
I am beginning to be certain that sooner or later this theme will be normalized. In my case I thought it was only 3 months of reboot but it is broader than that, and I have accepted it.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #17 on: April 25, 2018, 07:36:03 AM »
I'm good thank you Alex. Yes, I have a long term girlfriend. At the moment our relationship is sexless because of my PIED.

I'm coming up on 4 months of no porn and no masturbation. In reality, I masturbated about a week ago. I decided I wanted to see if masturbation would help kick start my recovery. Unfortunately, I think my masturbation session has thrown me back into a deeper flatline.

I had been getting some morning erections. They weren't very strong but I felt I was making some progress. However, since I masturbated I have stopped getting morning erections. I have just resigned myself to the fact that my reboot is going to take more than 6 months. They was I feel now I have no idea when I will recover. My penis is completely dead.

I just have to be patient and hopefully I will recover.

Jones

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2018, 11:23:28 AM »
Quote
Unfortunately, I think my masturbation session has thrown me back into a deeper flatline.
Orgasm when in a flatline will always deepen it,don't do it again.Even if it was through sex. Flatline is a bxtch.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2018, 12:04:19 PM »
Thanks for the advice Jones. Flatline isn't so bad now that I understand it. It helps keep my porn cravings down.

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2018, 03:01:15 PM »
I'm consulting: Flatline is not having any erection symptoms? neither MW nor anything?
I'm going to confess that I'm doing MO about once a week, and I experience after that a day or two, the sensation of not feeling the penis at all. I understand that would be flatline. Being alone I do not care what happens if are only two days, but I avoid doing MO often for that reason.
I am taking it as a path with its difficults, and being clear that if not one more P the result arrives.
But I share the idea that it is not easy and at times it makes me angry. The good thing is that there are indications that mark you that the path is the right one.
Mousemat1 I only tell my experience, I do not say that you do MO. In fact I was at least 5 months without MO.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2018, 03:56:42 PM »
Hi Alex.

My flatline is exactly like you describe no erections, no MW and definitely no desire to have sex. After I masturbated I also feel like I don't have penis.

I masturbated as an experiment. The experiment failed!  :)  From now on I will not masturbate until I'm healed!   ;)

Thanks for your comments. It's always comforting to know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2018, 07:08:51 PM »
You leave me thinking about how beneficial it would be if this forum were more active or there was the possibility of doing online conferences. Sometimes I feel there are many things that need more answers. Although each one is different in its process, I do not know if it happens to you, but it is like each one of us enters a process of personal experimentation and sometimes does not know what to do. Anyway, I share what you say. Knowing that you can count on people who have the same thing helps a lot.

mousemat1

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2018, 12:08:57 AM »
As much as I hate my porn use it has given me this opportunity to use myself as a lab rat. This process is educational and very interesting while being incredibly difficult and frustrating. However, here we have an opportunity for growth and development that non addicts don't have so I choose to look for positives from a negative situation.

This forum is a real help for me because, as I mentioned, I know I'm not alone in this (although there is a part of me wishes I were alone because I feel sorry for the other men and women suffering from this), and perhaps more importantly the success stories are wonderful!

Thanks again Alex!  :)

Alex48

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Re: The Monkey On My Back
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2018, 10:02:16 AM »
You're welcome mousemat1. I ask you a question that always leads me to doubts. Do you know if a man of our age, I am 49, under normal conditions, has the same capacity of erection as when you are younger ?. I have never asked this clearly to a professional and I think it is good to know where one stands on this. You have researched about this?
Answer whenever you want! I do not want to overwhelm!
Hugs!