Author Topic: b2b journal - for a life well-lived  (Read 114 times)

b2b

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b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« on: March 25, 2018, 04:57:31 PM »
[introductory post to let you know where i currently stand]

Hi,

I almost can't believe I'm back. For the past two years, I have struggled on the road to recovery. No PMO is something that I think about almost daily, yet, for some reason, I have been unable to reach 90 days. The most I've gone is two months, and to be honest, it's quite frustrating, especially being the type of person that expects things his way - and fast.

I have tried this twice before. Once in 2016, and then a year later in 2017. It's now 2018 and I started the year off with exactly the same mindset: to reach 90 days without orgasm. I relapsed close to the two month mark, again. I'm trying really hard to not be too bummed out, but the fact of the matter is that it really just sucks to not be able to finish.

I really thought I was going to do it this time. I was eager to take control of this and was very, very determined to complete it. I told myself I would. Yet here I am.

It's time. It's really time to beat this thing once and for all.
My next post will be the start of yet another journey.

I'm looking for an accountability partner. Please, please, please offer your help if you're in a position to do so. I'm that determined to beat this. I need someone kicking my rear-end. Thank you in advance.

mark098i

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2018, 05:14:14 PM »
The end of this month will be my 90 days. Just keep busy, busy, busy.

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2018, 06:29:46 PM »
it's been wild so far. relapsed once, back on it. week 1.
need to beat it

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2018, 10:08:35 PM »
Finally back on the journal - here's what's going on.

No PMO since May 1 - which means i'm at 1.5 months
This is great and all but after reading some posts and forums, I was introduced to monk mode. For some reason, this whole reboot I have become very obsessive about what I'm focused on, whether it's this reboot or projects, or whatever. so after hearing about monk mode, i haven't been able to get it off my head.

I don't think it's something I actually need to do, but i can't help but to think if i'm slowing down my recovery process.
I'm very horny, constantly have the urge to orgasm feeling about me at all times (but no erections), and I can't stop looking at girls. Part of me knows that this is okay because that's good, that's what i'm attracted to and at least it isn't porn, but with this whole monk mode idea in my head idk if i'm causing problems.

I have to remember that I have undergone a much more successful reboot in the past. immediately upon stopping porn I went through all the phases as described. after i relapsed, I have tried for about two years to get it back to a certain point, but with no success.

Here I am again at 1.5 months of no masturbation. sure i touch myself down there in a non-masturbatory manner sometimes but that's normal. other than my constant urge to cum, i'd say i'm in flatline. i'm healthy emotionally, no depression, just anxiety, generally much happier and have a more positive outlook. no boners, no morning woods, nada. there has been zero rewiring this entire year so that's where i'm thinking i'm going wrong.

i've actually gotten back to online dating in hopes of finding someone to rewire with. I don't necessarily agree that it counts as porn because one it's what I gotta do, two, i'm not jerking to any pictures, but three, that's what i did for my successful half-reboot two years ago.

As a reminder: two years ago, when i decided to quit porn (by the way, it is important to said that I don't have PIED, but MIED or masturbation induced ed, i'm actually addicted to masturbation, haven't seen porn since january and time before that i can't even remember, but every time i masturbate i do it a ton of times) i did about a month of no pmo + no visual cues + nothing (pretty sure i still checked girls out) and then i got on tinder during my flatline. no sex, no orgasm, not even a solid erection. then a WILD erection happened (strongest erection i can remember ever having) upon thinking of that meet up and then another hookup with a tinder girl that resulted in perfectly normal erection with TONS of feeling. I actually accidentally came in my pants from friction with clothes on.

This time around after 1.5 months of no PMO, little visual cues but A ton of thinking about cumming/sex, still no erections, no wet dreams, no natural release of cum, but no rewiring.

starting the rewiring process soon hopefully with the help of online dating. using this time to develop self-love habits and clean state of mind (maybe this is where i'm going wrong). social anxiety seems to be gone (i approached maybe 50-100 strangers, male or female, nothing sexual) last weekend but that deep, instinctual attraction to girls hasn't surfaced yet.

I remember that it exists and that it's real. girls notice your presence, you emit a beautiful aura. still not there yet for me, not sure why after 1.5 months.

i think the reason i'm obsessing over this is because I am dead set to beat this thing once and for all. i want my life back, i want to feel normal and healthy, i want to be able to have care-free sex I can actually feel, and I want it in my youth.

Will check back. soz for the rant/vent/stream of consciousness post.

I am no longer addicted to masturbation and I am doing all i can to fix this. - my affirmation

Believe! my desire to succeed is immense. i want to feel attractive, i want to be attractive. i feel attractive. i am attractive.

love,
b2b