Author Topic: b2b journal - for a life well-lived  (Read 178 times)

b2b

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b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« on: March 25, 2018, 04:57:31 PM »
[introductory post to let you know where i currently stand]

Hi,

I almost can't believe I'm back. For the past two years, I have struggled on the road to recovery. No PMO is something that I think about almost daily, yet, for some reason, I have been unable to reach 90 days. The most I've gone is two months, and to be honest, it's quite frustrating, especially being the type of person that expects things his way - and fast.

I have tried this twice before. Once in 2016, and then a year later in 2017. It's now 2018 and I started the year off with exactly the same mindset: to reach 90 days without orgasm. I relapsed close to the two month mark, again. I'm trying really hard to not be too bummed out, but the fact of the matter is that it really just sucks to not be able to finish.

I really thought I was going to do it this time. I was eager to take control of this and was very, very determined to complete it. I told myself I would. Yet here I am.

It's time. It's really time to beat this thing once and for all.
My next post will be the start of yet another journey.

I'm looking for an accountability partner. Please, please, please offer your help if you're in a position to do so. I'm that determined to beat this. I need someone kicking my rear-end. Thank you in advance.

mark098i

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2018, 05:14:14 PM »
The end of this month will be my 90 days. Just keep busy, busy, busy.

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2018, 06:29:46 PM »
it's been wild so far. relapsed once, back on it. week 1.
need to beat it

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2018, 10:08:35 PM »
Finally back on the journal - here's what's going on.

No PMO since May 1 - which means i'm at 1.5 months
This is great and all but after reading some posts and forums, I was introduced to monk mode. For some reason, this whole reboot I have become very obsessive about what I'm focused on, whether it's this reboot or projects, or whatever. so after hearing about monk mode, i haven't been able to get it off my head.

I don't think it's something I actually need to do, but i can't help but to think if i'm slowing down my recovery process.
I'm very horny, constantly have the urge to orgasm feeling about me at all times (but no erections), and I can't stop looking at girls. Part of me knows that this is okay because that's good, that's what i'm attracted to and at least it isn't porn, but with this whole monk mode idea in my head idk if i'm causing problems.

I have to remember that I have undergone a much more successful reboot in the past. immediately upon stopping porn I went through all the phases as described. after i relapsed, I have tried for about two years to get it back to a certain point, but with no success.

Here I am again at 1.5 months of no masturbation. sure i touch myself down there in a non-masturbatory manner sometimes but that's normal. other than my constant urge to cum, i'd say i'm in flatline. i'm healthy emotionally, no depression, just anxiety, generally much happier and have a more positive outlook. no boners, no morning woods, nada. there has been zero rewiring this entire year so that's where i'm thinking i'm going wrong.

i've actually gotten back to online dating in hopes of finding someone to rewire with. I don't necessarily agree that it counts as porn because one it's what I gotta do, two, i'm not jerking to any pictures, but three, that's what i did for my successful half-reboot two years ago.

As a reminder: two years ago, when i decided to quit porn (by the way, it is important to said that I don't have PIED, but MIED or masturbation induced ed, i'm actually addicted to masturbation, haven't seen porn since january and time before that i can't even remember, but every time i masturbate i do it a ton of times) i did about a month of no pmo + no visual cues + nothing (pretty sure i still checked girls out) and then i got on tinder during my flatline. no sex, no orgasm, not even a solid erection. then a WILD erection happened (strongest erection i can remember ever having) upon thinking of that meet up and then another hookup with a tinder girl that resulted in perfectly normal erection with TONS of feeling. I actually accidentally came in my pants from friction with clothes on.

This time around after 1.5 months of no PMO, little visual cues but A ton of thinking about cumming/sex, still no erections, no wet dreams, no natural release of cum, but no rewiring.

starting the rewiring process soon hopefully with the help of online dating. using this time to develop self-love habits and clean state of mind (maybe this is where i'm going wrong). social anxiety seems to be gone (i approached maybe 50-100 strangers, male or female, nothing sexual) last weekend but that deep, instinctual attraction to girls hasn't surfaced yet.

I remember that it exists and that it's real. girls notice your presence, you emit a beautiful aura. still not there yet for me, not sure why after 1.5 months.

i think the reason i'm obsessing over this is because I am dead set to beat this thing once and for all. i want my life back, i want to feel normal and healthy, i want to be able to have care-free sex I can actually feel, and I want it in my youth.

Will check back. soz for the rant/vent/stream of consciousness post.

I am no longer addicted to masturbation and I am doing all i can to fix this. - my affirmation

Believe! my desire to succeed is immense. i want to feel attractive, i want to be attractive. i feel attractive. i am attractive.

love,
b2b

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2018, 10:58:37 PM »
Lots of development since the last time I posted. Here's what happened:

I was able to reach 60 days of nofap, which was great in terms of the streak or whatever. Like i mentioned in my above post, though, wasn't really there for me though. Morning wood wasn't there, horniness wasn't there, focus/motivation weak as fuck, no boners still, and definitely no giant boner to encourage me like there has been in past times.

Addtionally, as mentioned above, I got back on online dating. Had very little success until, quite ironically, a girl noticed me at an event we were both at and had some real life interaction. We ended up making out and she ended up inviting me to her house the following week. I'll stop there to mention that between first meeting her and getting in her bed, online dating life breathed in new life and I was talking to several different girls, a couple of which I ended up getting numbers for. Important for reasons I'll explain in a bit.

Back to real-life interaction girl. I'm at her house, this is going to be my first true sexual interaction in about two months. NoFap clearly on my mind, I'm like "I got this, let's see where this goes". It was amazing. If I hadn't had boners or horniness the prior two months, it all came back to me that day. For the first time in a really, really long time, perhaps even that first round of no-fap that I did two years ago that I had a true boner and even came in my pants from sheer friction, my horniness was boomin' and I had great solid erections for long(er) periods of time. Sensitivity was curiously/surprisingly not at its highest peak, but everything else seemed great. We had sex and I even had it in me to stop before orgasm. That was that, no orgasm, moving on.

Fast forward a few days and all the online dating girls start beeping at my cell. Cool, I'm near god-mode after having sex with the previous girl and I'm like "let's do it again, I can do this." We get our tongue-game on and things naturally progressed. I wasn't hard like at all, horniness was way down but I was also beer'd up and smoked up a bit so I put my blame on those. Man, let me tell you, I busted AS SOON as I penetrated her (with a condom on! (thank god)). Sensitivity was at 1000%. Interestingly enough, and I should probably mention this here, the whole no-orgasm sex with previous girl gave me the biggest, most painful blue balls of my life. So I will concede that I probably had all this juice backed up waiting for its release (although, again, I must interject - this whole new no fap period was very, very low on the natural release of semen. For some reason I don't have wet dreams, so I'll cum naturally before or after taking a piss. no joke, like without a boner. just a natural release. but this time around there was very little of that, but also no huge increase in testicle size, although they both got much, much firmer). So I was like okay, I busted. It gets tricky from here, but I'll expand on this later.* I actually got disappointed. I was fkn set on reaching 90 days and a surprise cum was not on the agenda. I got really angry and had to leave.

I got over it, and I was with a different girl two days after that. I figured having sex would be okay again, since that was the whole point of nofap, to rewire and stuff. Again, erections weren't there, horniness weren't there, but it seems like sensitivity was because i done busted again and pretty quickly. at this point, i didn't know what to think. and I still don't. we woke up the next morning, had sex again, and i allowed myself to reach orgasm because at this point, what had happened the nigh before wasn't accidental anymore like with the second girl so i thought the whole nofap thing had gone to shit again. I busted again and felt disappointed that my dick wasn't hard at work (pun completely intended).

Brings up several points, which can be categorized in two - state of erections , and mentality (which i've marked with an asterisk above and will expand upon it in the following paragraphs, marked with *)

State of erections:
I don't know what's going on. The reason I'm doing nofap, trying to get over my masturbation addiction, or whatever the fuck it is, I have no idea anymore. I don't watch porn. I don't. But my erections aren't coming back to me. From what I heard, been reading, this shit (curse word used in the most affectionate way)  is supposed to cure that. Boners come back, refractory period diminishes extremely, and you're rock solid all the time, when girls look at you, when girls touch you, when you're making out with them, etc. etc...

I know it works, because with girl number one I was that person. Rock solid. Cool. No orgasm. So why not have that strong of an erection with the second girl? Can we blame the booze? Is that actually the cause or is there something deeper? There was orgasm with her, so is that the reason why no strong boner with girl number 3? There are so many reasons or excuses (for lack of a better word) that I can try to attach to my inability to get a boner  but that's what this whole thing is trying to fix. And what, you're telling me people that hit 90, 365, x days of streak become celibate monks? No, they have sex and orgasm eventually. Does that mean everything they worked for went to shit? Again, I'll talk about this more from a mental point of view in a second, but the idea I'm trying to get through is that orgasm itself shouldn't keep you from getting boners and getting hard and getting horny (okay maybe a little on that last one with decrease of energy, chaser effect, etc etc). So why is it that after girl number 3 (which was the 3rd orgasm (due to real sex!) in about three or four days after two months of no orgasm) my balls feel smaller, I feel drained, and just lethargic in terms of sex? Is my "PIED" ACTUALLY Pied? Like i said there's no "P"orn in my life. So is it "MIED"? Masturbation induced erectile disfunction? I don't masturbate while on nofap, but prior to it if I masturbated once it would lead to two or three orgasms, without watching porn of course. that's why i can say i'm not addicted to porn. There hasn't been porn, just multiple rounds of masturbation once i open that can. So, is it "O"rgasm induced ED? That makes no sense but that's what it feels like. And here's where the mental factors come of this round of no fap come in.


*MENTALITY section - to be further broken into the following sections: attitude towards nofap, thoughts during sex, thoughts after sex, general state of emotions

Attitude towards nofap:
I will admit that I may be placing too much emphasis on this. Trying too hard. Obsessing over it. Granted, I was dead set on reaching 90 days. I'm extremely motivated to be doing this because, ffs, I just want to have strong, forget strong, actual erections during sex. I don't wanna lose my boner switching positions. And I don't wanna cum at 45%-50% erections. I wanna reach actual erections and sensitivity. I'm impatient, I get it, but i'm also willing to put in the work. But I need the results, man. As I mentioned above, for some strange reason, this round of no fap had very little reward or even proof. Other than firmer balls, I didn't have a huge change in attitude, horniness, or erection strength. Not even a lot of erections. Idk if i have a general addictive/obsessive personality where I just completely focus on something demanding results or what but, come on, I just want some sort of proof that change is underway and that it's good.

Thoughts during sex:
I've been hooking up with girls for several years now. Like strictly hookups, usually not even more than once (save for a 7 month stint with a girlfriend). I'm telling you this to tell you that there's usually no emotion at all involved, and in its place, usually alcohol. That's a huge red flag right there, especially in terms of dick strength/erections. I get it, and I'll get back to that. Most importantly it's just a hit it and quit it situation. But i'm also experience a strange phenomenon that has to do with my thoughts and my emotions: i'm simply not getting turned on by girls during sex. A lot of the times, i'll be making out with someone who can be a meh kisser, and it's just not doing it for me, so there's another reason why I may not be getting boners. But the main reason i want to bring this up is because I'm getting kinda worried. It's like all these girls and I'm not even able to go into some sort of instinctual drive that's telling me "fuck." You'd expect me to be able to pull this off especially if i'm talking about hookups every once in a while and that's all I know. My horniness should be at a point every time I get in bed with someone that I should at the very least be in the mood for it (without taking in consideration the whole pied thing but that's besides my point right now). Idk if it's the lack of emotional attachment, the fact that all I ever seem to have is that bad first pipe, and never follow it up and get to a point where i'm more comfortable, even to start telling a girl to do things the way it works for me, whatever. But it's going on and it needs to change. My action items would be: cool it with the booze before a hookup, try not to overthink, and try to enjoy it more, be more in the present.

Thoughts after sex:
If you've gotten this far, I applaud you. Please reach out to me with your thoughts, would love to hear your feedback. Here's something that will resonate with a lot of you, especially since it's a topic that's talked about a lot. I'm beginning to equate orgasm and sex with disappointment. Whoops, girl number 2 had a surprise orgasm, my streak went to shit, I'm a loser for not being able to control myself. I start getting angry, uncomfortable, even fkn depressed. Every time after an orgasm, even during relapse. That, my friends, is rewiring me in a VERY bad way. So now I can't even fkn enjoy sex (aside from sensitivity, which i've never really had). Now I have to worry about equating orgasm to something good, climax, paradise, release, a high, relief, whatever the fuck it is. Problem is that's hard when you're trying to do a nofap routine in which you're trying to abstain from orgasm. So that's another thing feeding doubt, insecurity, and overthinking-ness (lol) into sex. It's a double standard. Therefore i will raise my question again: is orgasm bad during no fap? isn't that the point? is orgasm during sex let's say during your first 90 day period, bad? Would love to know. I know it's tailored differently for everyone but goddammit i'm even starting to question whether I have OIED (see above, way above). Because again, I don't watch porn. I have watched it very sporadically over the last two years. My dick, in theory, should be fine. Which brings me to my next point.

General state of emotions:
Is it insecurity? Anxiety? Depression? Stress?
With no-fap i should have a lot more will, willpower, energy, and sex drive. I haven't really been feeling it this time around on the nofap. I'm doing this at a time period when I should have a lot less stress since school is out for the summer. Me life should be pretty simple, but I think i'm dissatisfied in a lot of deeper ways. (Btw, started reading about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, like his actual published papers, sheds light on a few things) I'm not where I want to be physically, socially, whatever, but I know i'm here for a bit and stuff is already in the works to make it better. but is it so damaging that it means I can't bring my dick up when I'm with a girl? Don't know if my anxiety is causing me to panic when I'm having sex out of some sort of bizarre irrational fear , if its over thinking? But i definitely, definitely want to be motivated for life and to get out there, meet girls, and enjoy sex. Like i said it's just kinda hard with no proof that my dick is working. I'm impatient but I'm trying to rewire.

If anyone actually gets this far and wants to provide feedback please do, especially centered around these questions:

Is orgasm from sex bad during no fap?
Is there such a thing as masturbation or orgasm induced erectile disfunction?
Thoughts on regaining sensitivity
Thoughts on getting turned on during sex
How should I approach getting my erections back, which is what I want the most?

Love to each and every single one of you. Good luck on your journeys,
b2b

PS - Important. And it's a good thing. Didn't suffer from the chaser effect after these orgasms, or, well, I may have, but I didn't cave. The past few times, every time i orgasemd, even after real sex orgasm, i caved / relapsed into fapping again (no porn!). Although that's kinda where i'm coming from with the whole masturbation/orgasm induced ED, for clarity. Also not kind of a good note but I don't know if I even had a chaser effect from these rounds of sex. like i said i was feeling down a lot and could feel the physical drainage from the orgasm. Could be - and this could very well be a separate point - too many orgasms in quick "succession" after not having them after two months. But the good note - no relapse to chaser effect! so I still haven't tapped in two months, almost two and a half! end on a good note!


« Last Edit: July 11, 2018, 10:09:29 PM by b2b »

b2b

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Re: b2b journal - for a life well-lived
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2018, 09:58:25 PM »
Not very often I log in after a post. Wanted to see if there was any activity. My last post is long af!! very personal, but hope it gives people a point of reference or something in common in there journey. What can I say? I'm a story teller. 

Here's a something a bit more traditional:

Didn't get the morning wood this morning. Didn't really think about nofap all day, been really busy.
Almost got a boner midway through the day.

Still got the whole weak boner thing on my mind though. Saw a video on Youtube last night about someone's specific nofap technique. He claimed it was to help get girls. It included masturbation once a week to fantasy, no porn. Seemed interesting, but don't know how that helps my boner issue.

One thing i forgot to mention in the last post was that as far as exercise goes, it's just a bit once a week. Curious to see how that impacts no fap