Author Topic: Reboot V2  (Read 778 times)

Karzam

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Reboot V2
« on: March 25, 2018, 04:21:52 PM »
Hi all,

 I was on here about a year ago and was trying to reboot, but unfortunately didn't succeed. However, since that time I've had about nine months of therapy which was spectacularly valuable. It's actually the third substantial amount of therapy I've had and I was ready to rip out a whole load of negativity from my life. I won't pretend that everything is sorted out, but the back drop of self-criticality and self-hate that predominated substantial periods of my life has ended - at least I'm aware of it and pick it up a lot faster.

 So, I'm keen to be in a proper relationship now and whilst sex isn't a relationship, it can be an important part. As such I've been rebooting for a while now - I'm currently 9 weeks and 4 days clean. I can't deny there's been some masturbation but without porn or orgasm - I know this isn't good though, so have stopped it.

 Anyway, I'll leave it there for now - I hope you're all well.

Karzam.

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2018, 07:56:31 AM »
Hi all,
 
 I hope you're all well - not much to report at the moment, things seem to have gone dormant in a way. I've managed to withhold from masturbation as well, and there's been no porn or orgasm.

 I'm trying to take a holistic approach to the whole thing, and so am working on my sleep and diet as well, but more details on that later.

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2018, 03:36:49 PM »
Hi all,

 Well, I'm on annual leave for the next two weeks which is pretty good - I'm sorting out the house after having moved a while back. Ordinarily that would have been a trigger point for a load of porn, but I've just had no compulsions in that area. So far I'm on day 76 of no PMO...there was some masturbation a while back, but it's far back enough that I'm considering that gone now.

 I am flatlining, but there are positive signs - I wake up with morning wood, so that's something. My greatest concern at the moment is that I have virtually no sensitivity in my penis - if I were to touch it with a sock (for ease of access, haha) I barely feel anything. I'm hoping that sensitivity returns, otherwise I don't see how a woman touching me is going to make any difference to be honest...

Karzam.
 

papa

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2018, 05:04:07 PM »
 Sounds like you’re doing pretty good, hang in there.  Are you currently in a relationship?  How old are you?  I don’t think a little bit of M is that bad for you

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2018, 04:52:14 AM »
Hey Karzam, you are doing really well.

Porn is a definite no-no, but whether masturbation and orgasm is ok or not is open to debate it seems. Some people find they have a "chaser effect" which makes them have an increased urge to view porn and relapse. Masturbation without orgasm (or delaying orgasm) I think is known as edging and is probably unhealthy as its kind of like drug use in terms of the chemicals in your brain.

Thats my take on it anyway, others have different ideas. I guess you have to work out whats right for you personally and go by that.

Well done and good luck

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2018, 06:04:56 AM »
Hi Papa and Strike,

 Thanks for your replies - for me I'm going to stay off masturbation or orgasm until at least day 90, and then I'll see how it goes from there I think. Back in my porn days I'd sometimes masturbate three or four times in the day to porn, getting very no pleasure from it at the end, so I'm a wary of breaking my resolve.

 Re. your questions Papa - I'm 44, not in a relationship at the moment but I'm looking and on a dating website, so hopefully that might lead somewhere.

 I've started thinking / considering visualisation techniques in creating a new version of myself. I had a thread on this forum that petered out around a year ago, but since then I've had about ten months of therapy that really helped out a lot. As a product of that I was able to get rid of a lot of negative stuff and have a much more forgiving, loving attitude towards myself. So, as another step on from that, I'm now thinking of who I want to be in the future.

 As part of that, I suddenly had a realisation last week about refined sugars and caffeine (both of which I love but aren't good for me), but that works perfectly well with respect to porn. Instead of seeing the removal of these things from my life as a reduction and leading to a 'lesser' existence, I'm thinking of their removal as being self-nurturing actions resulting in a healthier, more loving existence. It's just a re-frame, but an important one to me.

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2018, 02:38:10 AM »
Morning all,

 Day 82 here, and no PMO. Nothing very much seems to be happening, but I guess I should expect a reasonable flat line period. I'm still trying to work on creating a new vision of myself, but I'm self sabotaging a bit because I'm on annual leave and I've been staying up too late...

 On a more positive note, I'm chatting to a few women on a dating website, so there's some possibilities there.

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2018, 02:54:21 AM »
Morning all,

 I've been thinking about my various behaviours over the last week or so, and it's hard not to conclude that there's a pattern of self-destruction playing out. I've already been aware of this to be honest, but it's a question of adding elements to the picture, so that the realisation becomes that more apparent. For me, pornography was in essence a way of avoiding the world - or more precisely avoiding women, and my social & sexual anxiety. Similarly, I've played computer / console games excessively during my time, because they allowed me to numb my brain and avoid having to think about external 'stuff'. I've also got a pretty strong sugar addiction, but that's just chemical highs, ha.

 Anyway, I've decided to add 'No solo gaming' to my watch list - I have a friend who I play online with, and that I'm fine with since it's sociable and time limited. It's the solo gaming which can go on for hours on end that doesn't work...

 So...

 No PMO: 85 Days
 No Solo gaming: 9 hours (meh)

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2018, 11:39:48 AM »
Staying away from porn seems relatively easy at the moment, mostly because I'm flatlining; staying away from gaming is proving much tougher though...

JedClampett

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2018, 11:25:36 PM »
Karzam:

Gaming might not be a symptom of the reasons why one does the PMO.  It is not a cause of that but is in
itself a diversion.  Once you spend a time without P, you probably can set goals to reduce and even eliminate
gaming.

We can stop any addiction in our lives.  Is it easy?  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

papa

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2018, 07:34:46 AM »
 Keep up the good work, you should have reached your 90 day goal now, how is it going?

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2018, 02:30:15 PM »
Hi Jed and Papa,

 Thanks for your interest...where are we now then...96 days and counting, so over the 90 hurdle. I can't deny that nothing seems to have changed - I'm not sure whether I'm in the deadzone or not. By that, I mean I'm not sure to expect at this age (44).

 One thing I have remembered is that when I was a teenager I was pretty obsessed by masturbation and used to do it a lot...which obviously then graduated to porn use at University and beyond. Now obviously that's a thing of the past, which is only a good thing...the point is however is that there was a period where my activities were natural and healthy, but around the age of...14 maybe, things started to go off the rails. I started to associate masturbation and sex with the self-hate, self-blame, shame, guilt, etc. that I suffered from back at that stage.

 That's all (well, mostly) gone now and I'm starting to remember a pre-porn / pre-negative version of masturbation (sex). Sex is in brackets there, because by the time I got to it I was already mentally fucked. ;)

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2018, 02:50:31 PM »
In the vein of changing my life, I've realised that solo gaming is a real time sink for me. Unfortunately I've just finished playing, but the reminder was there. As with PMO, it's a question of finding other things for my mind to do.

It's a little more complicated than that, but I'll get on to that later maybe.

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2018, 04:14:06 PM »
Just checking in today...PMO is at day 101, solo gaming at day 5, and unfortunately i buggered up the refined sugar today by not thinking about what i was eating...

Mayer

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2018, 10:25:30 PM »
If it just refined sugar you are thinking about I would say you are doing ok. Well done for getting past the 90 days,. It will all be downhill from now on. I see you are using gaming to keep your attention, that's good, but gaming is also addictive too, be careful you don't swap one addiction for another. I nearly did that with crocheting, I found it very therapeutic and it kept my attention but with my personality I started to get addicted to that too. In fact I have just started it again today, I just need to do it little bits otherwise I will lose myself to it. I used to do it with games too, I used to lose hours on games like settlers I was probably addicted to them but with changes in life, like getting a family and a job that addiction naturally disappeared. keep up the good work.

Tom65

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2018, 10:37:36 PM »
Just checking in today...PMO is at day 101, solo gaming at day 5, and unfortunately i buggered up the refined sugar today by not thinking about what i was eating...

Can I ask when you say solo gaming do that mean a solo game or is it playing mmorpg solo.
Why I ask in mmorpg you can interact with others. I get to play wow some with my son and sometimes I just sit and talk in the chat! How would that work for you?

Thanks for chairing this made me start to think!
T
Tom65
Sorry for my bad English its not my native!

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2018, 10:56:04 AM »
Hi guys,

 Thanks for taking an interest and your comments; I'm afraid I didn't make myself very clear, I'm avoiding solo gaming. I'm ok with multiplayer stuff since it has a social element to it, but solo gaming can just kill my time. For a while I was playing Far Cry 5 on my PS4 and would end up playing for 10 hours at a time, I've sold it now, but it's a real issue.

 MMOs are an interesting one, I've played a lot of them over the years, with WoW being the main one. Technically it's social, but it doesn't have to be, and with a whole world of activities it's a very probable time sink for me as well. I had thought about returning to WoW for the upcoming expansion, but I'd really only do it if all my old gaming friends could come back as well and we'd do some raiding, etc.

Karzam.

Tom65

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2018, 05:36:27 AM »
Hi guys,

 Thanks for taking an interest and your comments; I'm afraid I didn't make myself very clear, I'm avoiding solo gaming. I'm ok with multiplayer stuff since it has a social element to it, but solo gaming can just kill my time. For a while I was playing Far Cry 5 on my PS4 and would end up playing for 10 hours at a time, I've sold it now, but it's a real issue.

 MMOs are an interesting one, I've played a lot of them over the years, with WoW being the main one. Technically it's social, but it doesn't have to be, and with a whole world of activities it's a very probable time sink for me as well. I had thought about returning to WoW for the upcoming expansion, but I'd really only do it if all my old gaming friends could come back as well and we'd do some raiding, etc.

Karzam.

I understand and it can take up all time there is if you let it!
Your strategy to comeback if your friends do it’s a good one imo.
I started play EQ1 and it took up to much time only positive was no time over for PMO under this period in my life. Wow I play for my son wants me to play.
But it’s the same addiction I think!
Tom65
Tom65
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atpeace

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2018, 08:13:33 AM »
Hi Karzam

Thanks for writing this this journal, it really helps to read it, and congratulations on all the progress you have made. It really helps to know I'm not alone in this.

wish you the best
atpeace

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2018, 03:42:25 AM »
Hi,

 Thanks Tom65 and atpeace for your thoughts - I've not been on for a little while, but have been trying to keep myself active and clean. I do miss gaming a bit, since there's some really good games out there, but it's just the lack of control which is the problem. Sometimes I feel angry about that lack of control, since I know that if I had that, I could game in a healthy way. Still, history doesn't seem to indicate that that is the case, so at least I'm learning I guess.

 Re. stats: No PMO is on day 109 and no solo gaming on day 12...

 Having something to do to keep yourself active and your mind occupied is definitely important in my opinion - in the last week I've played badminton twice and been to a philosophy group discussion, all of which were enjoyable in their own ways. Something that's been taking up my time recently is that I've adopted a couple of rescue cats - I've always wanted cats (and I'd like a dog too, but I have to go to work obviously and they're not good alone imo). I'm in that period where I'm having to keep the cats in the house so they learn it's home and safe, etc. but I've not liked the impact they've had on my life (in some regards).

 This will come back to porn, I promise... ;); I like the cats being around, they're trusting me more and are quite affectionate, if nervous at times (it's only been 10 days). However, I'm slightly irked by having the additional responsibility of having to clear out litter trays, feed them, etc. which I appreciate is nonsensical and slightly childish, but there you go. But, it's reinforced something that I've been aware of for a while, part of me wants to be in a relationship and everything that goes with that, but at the same time I'm very independent and don't really want to compromise my habits - again something that is non-sustainable and indeed disrespectful really.

 But it all come down to fear really...fear of change, fear of going out of my extremely stable and known comfort zone of porn / gaming / socialising on my terms / no responsibilities. Now, in a way, there's nothing wrong with that lifestyle - putting aside consideration re. the objectification of women re. porn for the purposes of making my point. If I made peace with the fact I don't have anyone to cuddle up to, etc. then it would be a viable lifestyle. But the fact is that I'm very lonely, I want there to be someone. Porn was just one aspect of that comfort zone, enabling me to avoid my fears (whilst also maintaining my loneliness).

 And so...I have to forcibly push myself out of a very well constructed and plush comfort zone.

Karzam.

 
« Last Edit: May 06, 2018, 03:44:51 AM by Karzam »

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2018, 05:00:42 PM »
Played badminton again, cats being unpredictable in an unsettling way (not the standard cat way), and in terms of numbers:

No PMO: 112 Days
No solo gaming: 16 Days

I have been feeling hornier, but nothing very much seems to have happened to be honest. I guess I'm flatlining still, it's hard to know for sure though.

Karzam

Tom65

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2018, 04:46:58 PM »
Played badminton again, cats being unpredictable in an unsettling way (not the standard cat way), and in terms of numbers:

No PMO: 112 Days
No solo gaming: 16 Days

I have been feeling hornier, but nothing very much seems to have happened to be honest. I guess I'm flatlining still, it's hard to know for sure though.

Karzam

Awesome!
Hang in there you are one I lock up to!
Tom
Tom65
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Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2018, 08:18:51 AM »
Thanks Tom - that's very kind of you!

Things have been going ok here - I guess I'm on day 115 now. I had a vaguely erotic dream yesterday, but I've forgotten the details to be honest, haha. Still, things are progressing in a healthy direction.

I've started using a fasting technique to help me lose weight, and to add a certain...well, let's call it 'rigour' to my life. Whilst I'm not religious or spiritual in any way, I do feel some attraction towards a monastic lifestyle. I'm also looking to add some meditation to my morning routines. In a way the removal of porn (plus the therapy I went through, etc.) is just clearing out psychological debris that makes space for a healthier version of myself.

Karzam

Karzam

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2018, 04:01:20 PM »
Evening all,

 I had a rather unfortunate realization over the weekend...I barely have any positive associations with sex. It's all just anxiety, shame, and failure. Due to psychological difficulties and then porn addiction, I've never had a regular sex life, I've had a few girlfriends but due to porn issues the sex aspect was very limited. So, that's not great but, it's a starting point.

 Anyway, I think as a product of that, I decided to break the hardcore no PMO and masturbated. I'm slightly kicking myself because I didn't use any lotion - on the basis of trying to stay away from death grip syndrome, but it actually felt really good (as you might imagine after 116 days or so). So, I'm ok with that, there's was a slight thought of watching porn and a few old porn fantasies came into my head, but I managed to banish them and focused on the sensations.

 So, this is a new stage I feel...1. no porn obviously, that's just off the agenda forever. 2. I'm allowed to masturbate if, and only if, I'm feeling horny. Previously I'd used porn (and masturbation) as an emotional crutch of sorts. Feeling lonely? Have a wank. Feeling desperate? Have a wank. Feeling bored? Have a wank...you get the idea. So, only if I'm actually feeling horny, then I can masturbate but 3. I have to remember to use lotion and focus on the physical sensations. If at any point old emotions kick in, I'll pause for a while, and metaphorically walk through the negativity and work out what's going on. Better to not masturbate in a psychologically healthy way than masturbate in an unhealthy way.

Karzam.

Turtle

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Re: Reboot V2
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2018, 09:26:32 AM »
  You're not using or thinking of porn - you're in the next stage of recovery. Now get out there and socialize with people in person. Be with your friends, go to music events, church, etc. Maybe she will find you! If so when the time is right, be 100% honest.