Author Topic: partner success story  (Read 2474 times)

aquarius25

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partner success story
« on: March 21, 2018, 02:40:45 PM »
I know most of the success stories here are from porn addicts but I think it is good as a partner to share milestones and success too. Shows how relationship can heal and achieve success too.

My husband is just over a  year and a half porn free! I am in a year and a half of accepting this new life, understanding the heartbreak of being lied to repeatedly and we both are working on many areas of our own recovery. Two areas we have seen a lot of growth and success trust and sex.

I was thinking about it today and I realized I don't fear him to look at porn again. I am not saying this thinking he won't look. He is doing well but he is also human. MY success come in the fact that I trust he would tell me and I know that we will be able to work through that. I don't fear it breaking our relationship. I am trusting us more than I am fearing lies. For me that is really huge!

Sex, we finally can have sex! His ed has improved so much! For the most part when we want to we can. I know he still gets nervous and in his head but it doesn't impact things so much that it doesn't work out. Every once in a great while he may experience some ed again and when he does it isn't a huge deal. We are both fine. He doesn't beat himself up and I don't really care either. Instead I let him know how much I admire and appreciate just how far he has progressed. It takes the pressure off of everything. Our sex life is so much better than before D-day! Also big success.

Love thyself

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2018, 08:20:41 PM »
Congratulations to you and your husband ! A year and a half is a long time, I hope I'll be as determined as your husband. Also, thank you for being a supportive wife to him  :D

Skeeter83

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2018, 12:50:00 AM »
Yes, thanks so much not giving up on your husband and for sharing your success story. I'm 33 and married as well. I realized my problem about a month ago, and told my wife about 2 weeks ago, after a whole lot of thinking and contemplating of course. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because we've been married for a while now, bout 6 years, and we want kids, but of course with my PIED our sex life became pretty much non-existent, thus no kids yet. And as prideful as I am, this really killed my confidence and self-esteem. This also has created a HUGE disconnect between my wife and I, and I all but hate myself for it. But after realizing that I had this problem and coming and reading the many other stories on this site, it was really weighing heavy on me, and I knew that for our marriage to ever have a chance to get right, I had to come clean to her and get this off my chest. So I finally swallowed ALL OF my pride and told her. SMDH... As expected, it was all but over for about a week or so. But now it seems like we are easing back up to each other, and I feel like she is willing to work through this with me. I've not watched any P in 30 days. I'm fairly new to all of this, and I feel like I flatlined for about 2 or 3 weeks. But now I have times where I get erections just thinking about or seeing my wife sometimes. I haven't tried anything with my wife yet, because I hate to fail and I'm nervous about things not going well. But I'm working on getting out of my head, and I'll probably try with my wife this weekend to see how things go. I know this is a life journey that I'm on, but I'm determined to have a great marriage with a wonderful sex life. I have no more desire to look at P, now that I know the effects of it, and I know that I'm on the road to recovery. Hearing stories such as your's is extremely encouraging and gives me a lot of hope! Thank You!

Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2018, 08:45:17 AM »
Great success for you and your husband, he's lucky to have your support through this. I see he's had that habit hidden for over 10 years until it came out.. May I ask if the sex you're having now is better/more consistent then when you first met? Sorry if it's too personal a question.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2018, 08:49:44 AM by Si »

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2018, 03:34:17 PM »
Si, not too personal of a question I am happy to answer to help encourage other. He had/has battled PIED for most of his life. He started looking at porn since 13 and he is 37 now. He has off and on experienced PIED since he was 18. In my journal in the woman's section I go into the crazy way that I discovered this entire thing. I can laugh now because it is actually a funny store, but it has taken some time to get there, lol. He is much better sexually now than when we first met. I think that is for a few reasons. He is able to get erect pretty much when he wants. The only thing that limits him now is his confidence in himself. That is huge. The other thing that makes our sex life now so much better than when we first met is because of time. I think the one big thing that men don't seem to understand is just how different women (and I am generalizing here) view and experience sex. Most women can't even orgasm if they don't have a connection. It really is a big deal. I think a lot of guys on here put sex as a focus for the reboot when for most women they see sex as more of a barometer. Where there are issues in bed there are usually issues elsewhere in the relationship and since sex is one way women can connect with their partner then it makes them uneasy about where else the connection is lacking. So for me out sex life is better because we are talking more, connecting more, more open with each other. I feel like I know him more and he knows me. We both have a deeper more rooted relationship and interest in each other. That creates a new level of intimacy that can be expressed through sex. I hope that makes sense, lol. That may have been more answer than what you were looking for. I just think that too many guys come on here cause they broke their dicks and that is all they focus on. When they do that they miss the bigger picture. It's like having your arm broken and going to the ER and telling them to fix your finger! It is not what need 100% of your attention, lol. I have been on this forum for a while and from what I have read and experienced the men who focus on the root cause and really try to make a change to better their lives, they are the ones that have real success not just with reboot but with real happiness. The ones who just focus on sex and their dick's, I read relapse after relapse. It is really sad. I hope everyone can find true lasting healing.

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2018, 03:35:07 PM »
Skeeter83, I just wanted to say how really awesome you are. Honesty is so hard sometimes but it will transform your reboot a lot. I know your wife is hurting. I am a wife/partner and I know what that feels like. But there is hope. She needs time to process. I would encourage you to show her the partners forum here if she needs a place to be able to seek support. Also I would encourage you to read some thing the women's journals here. It might help you to understand what it is like to be a partner? There are some really great books that both you and your wife might enjoy? They have helped my husband and I tremendously! Love you, Hate Porn is a great place to start. Hold me Tight is another! Anyway I just wanted to say that I think what you have done was brave and I commend you for that. Keep up the forward progress!

Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2018, 06:23:20 PM »
Si, not too personal of a question I am happy to answer to help encourage other. He had/has battled PIED for most of his life. He started looking at porn since 13 and he is 37 now. He has off and on experienced PIED since he was 18. In my journal in the woman's section I go into the crazy way that I discovered this entire thing. I can laugh now because it is actually a funny store, but it has taken some time to get there, lol. He is much better sexually now than when we first met. I think that is for a few reasons. He is able to get erect pretty much when he wants. The only thing that limits him now is his confidence in himself. That is huge. The other thing that makes our sex life now so much better than when we first met is because of time. I think the one big thing that men don't seem to understand is just how different women (and I am generalizing here) view and experience sex. Most women can't even orgasm if they don't have a connection. It really is a big deal. I think a lot of guys on here put sex as a focus for the reboot when for most women they see sex as more of a barometer. Where there are issues in bed there are usually issues elsewhere in the relationship and since sex is one way women can connect with their partner then it makes them uneasy about where else the connection is lacking. So for me out sex life is better because we are talking more, connecting more, more open with each other. I feel like I know him more and he knows me. We both have a deeper more rooted relationship and interest in each other. That creates a new level of intimacy that can be expressed through sex. I hope that makes sense, lol. That may have been more answer than what you were looking for. I just think that too many guys come on here cause they broke their dicks and that is all they focus on. When they do that they miss the bigger picture. It's like having your arm broken and going to the ER and telling them to fix your finger! It is not what need 100% of your attention, lol. I have been on this forum for a while and from what I have read and experienced the men who focus on the root cause and really try to make a change to better their lives, they are the ones that have real success not just with reboot but with real happiness. The ones who just focus on sex and their dick's, I read relapse after relapse. It is really sad. I hope everyone can find true lasting healing.

Thanks for such an in depth response. I agree that sex isn't strictly about piv only too, and for a lot of men it probably is the same. We summarise it so black and white (erection/no erection) because we're blokes and to us that is the physical problem, but from 2 years of rebooting I've learned loads about sex and that I myself need that connection too for intimacy to work. This said though, for it to work for me, I need libido... The driving force that makes us want to connect in the first place. So I can be so connected and raging erection one night, only for the next night to not be able to connect (and therefore no boner) even in the exact same circumstances. It's not that I don't want to connect and therefore become intimate (I'll try anyway and satisfy my partner other ways but in reality I'm completely disconnected despite me finding her attractive) but if my libido is simply not there, the intimacy and connecting that were discussing is really hard to force.
Really glad things are looking up and thanks for the insight in to your partner's issues and improvements. Definitely given us hope (and I'm not just talking hope of getting an erection, I'm talking hope of restoring libido/desire to connect naturally).

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2018, 10:02:49 AM »
Si, yes my husband suffers from flat-lines too from time to time. He used to filter a lot of stuff through reboot. He would always say if his libido was down it was a flatline. Finally one day I asked him if it was a flatline or something else? I know that flatlines are real but there are also plenty people men and women who suffer from time to time with a low libido. Stress of life in general, diet, lack of exercise, ect, can all contribute to a low libido. Sometime it genuinely is a flatline but It was good to stop and really assess is it is or if its something else that he can take care of. A lot of times, at least for him, it's stress. Owning a small business is a lot of stress at times and that can overwhelm. I appreciate when he acknowledges that it's stress because then I know how to support him. Just a thought.

Skeeter83

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2018, 04:04:46 PM »
Thanks Aquarius25!

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2018, 12:56:29 PM »
I just wanted to pop back in with a follow up success story in the process of an entire family healing from a porn addiction. I say that because the more he heals the more I can see where porn impacted everyone in the family. A few more things I have noticed in the last week. My daughter needed help with something and I was in the middle of something. My husband spoke up and said can I help? First, he use to be so in his own world that he would have never ever heard the question before and even if he did he would assume that I have it handled. Second, when he did help my daughter (she is 8) she just lit up. She said that she love her new daddy. I asked what she meant and she said that since we have moved (about a year ago and 9 months into his reboot) her daddy is nicer, smiles more, and spends more time with her. Even my children notice the shift. He says all the time how he is less numb and he experience more emotion but hearing our daughter notice showed me just how big of a change it is.

I share this to encourage other family men. My husband is so much happier, and he experience real joy. I really think him finally dealing with this addiction and being clean of that crap has been not only the best thing for him but for our entire family.

Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2018, 02:23:38 PM »
This is great aquarious, thanks for sharing. We bang on about erections all the time of course but the truth is we all just want to be better people with drive and passion for real life. Congratulations to you and your family, this is a really important update that shows the real benefits of quitting pmo outside the bedroom.

Jz15

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2018, 03:02:40 PM »
Wow this thread is very serious and just goes to show how much porn has affected even 30+ which is a league that is very "proud" of its porn use, starting with playboys, going to the first pictures on a screen... I had a conversation with a friend in his 30s back when I was watching porn and he was talking like he was bragging about it....

Also you don't hear so many people as much as in the 20's ( I am 23), but having you mature people talking about this and giving information is such a great source to read from and understand. And even better from a woman It is very helpful to me at least to understand how partners would feel, although Ive not yet experienced any problems with one.

It looks like the situation is way worse than many people think and thats why the majority have not yet had any problems ( yet )

Very helpful thread again,


PE30

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2018, 09:40:14 AM »
Hey, I've only just read this having read much of your journal and your encouraging comments on mine. I'm so pleased to hear about your husband's progress and about the healing work that's happened in your family. It's lovely to see that your daughter has noticed the change too! I have two daughters aged 9 (yesterday) and 5, and it's a real inspiration to me.

Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2018, 01:50:41 PM »
Thank everyone for the encouragement! I am not going to lie, things still come up from time to time but now that we have had some distance from D day and seeing that we are both committed to each other really helps make the hard times easier to handle. I really appreciate all of the people on here, men and women! This really is a great space for healing and I hope I am able to help other as they have helped me!

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2018, 10:08:48 AM »
Just wanted to pop in and add another success. My husband has officially been two years porn free! That is a really big deal. He is currently mentoring a few other men in our town who are battling with this addiction as well. I am meeting and encouraging some partners too. It is really great to see just how much our lives have been transformed. He has worked through so much, doing some real digging into his root causes. He really knows himself now. He is more confident in who he is and what he is capable of. Even our kids have noticed a shift is him. He is more connected to our family, he seems to exude more joy, and he enjoys people. He used to be an introvert for sure and now he is defiantly an extrovert!

I have learned so much about my self, the never ending process of forgiveness, and how to really love someone. This experience has forced me to deal with all of my insecurities, it has at time brought out the worst in me, and I have discovered that we are both broken people. We are the same. My hurt is mine and I am responsible for it. I have learned what boundaries are and how to set and keep them. I have learned that his actions in the past and future are not a reflection of my worth but they are his. I get to love and encourage him but I am responsible for my recovery and he is responsible for his. As partners we get to heal together!

Our entire lives have changed. From the way we parent to the way we connect with each other. After two years I can confidently say that what we have now is better. We are happier, our kids are happier, our family has peace and joy. No matter what comes in the future we can handle it, our home is a judgement free, safe space, full of love!


Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2018, 11:16:41 AM »
Really respect you for this. You're a very strong person/couple.

I'm dying to ask though... How's the sex life? Though I imagine you'll probably say it's not important anymore. Which is great, but still I wanna know haha.

Well done to the both of you.

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2018, 08:02:25 AM »
Si, our sex life is great. He had PIED for well over a decade and it was severe. He took unhealthy doses of any drug that would give him an erection, and even then it never was great. Those drugs like Viagra don't really help. It's like putting a band-aid on a war wound, really. He continued to suffer off and on from PIED and PA for the first year. Honestly, it wasn't until he shifted his focus off his dick and on to really healing his mind from this addiction that he started "preforming" well. By learning to let go of expectation and accepting that I love him and he doesn't have to be great at sex for that love. By digging into his inner demons and dealing with all the emotional crap that he was using porn to avoid and cope, that is when he started getting better. So when you hear people say it not about the sex, listen up because when you take your focus off your penis and start looking at why you were acting out in this manner. You start focusing on real joy in life your sex will also improve. Sex is a byproduct of a successful and happy relationship. It is another way of expressing and sharing intimacy with your partner. When you try to make it something else it isn't as satisfying and honestly it just creates more problems in life. At least that is my experience and perspective.

Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2018, 03:10:50 PM »
Thanks Aquarius for replying. Keep updating us! Congrats.

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2018, 08:26:32 AM »
just wanted to give this thread a bump because I think it could be encouraging to all the married men who are struggling.

chuckman23

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2018, 06:59:59 PM »
Wow!  This thread gives me hope, my wife and I were at the point of calling it quits several weeks ago.  Long story short we are working out issues and one of mine is my porn addiction.  I am only 7 days into this journey but I can see that this will be beneficial in the long run.  We aren't at the point of even sleeping in the same room right now due to damage to our relationship that I didn't even see but we are both working on our own issues to help us both become better people ourselves and then we can work on the issues of us once we are stronger.  I won't say that any of this is easy as it really sucks but we are at least back in the same house again so we are slowly making progress.  Thank you Aquarius for sharing.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

Turtle

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #20 on: August 11, 2018, 07:59:13 AM »
   Yes, thank you for this thread.
   You are absolutely right, it's about the whole self, and the relationship, if there is one. I'm three months into my reboot. My wife and I are also doing much better.
   I just want to share something that has helped us have more fun and less worries in bed. During my reboot I discovered that I don't need as many orgasims as I thought. (I guess I thought my head would explode.) It doesn't mean I don't want them, but the reward for having almost 90 percent less has been amazing! I'm in my mid sixties, and I'm more virile now than when I was a teen having one a day. In my experience, just being highly aroused for a long time gives me the dopamine, or whatever, I need to feel satisfied. My ED is gone. In our culture, much of what men are told about healthy sexual functioning is wrong.

Si

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2018, 08:48:54 AM »
I'm in my mid sixties, and I'm more virile now than when I was a teen having one a day.

Great input Turtle. Like hearing healing and perspective from older guys going through a similar thing. Gives me hope that I have plenty of time to enjoy sexual energy with a human as I wasted 15 years of my life to PMO (I'm 32 and still recovering).

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2018, 01:46:07 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement. I think it is really important to share and celebrate every success with or without porn addiction. This life can be hard enough, celebrate the positive!

On that note I wanted to share another things that my husband and I have been doing to really help us grow closer. We encourage each other. I know this sounds really dumb and obvious but honestly when we aren't consciously thinking about it sometimes we don't realize just how much goes unsaid. I think he is amazing but I found myself not telling him that enough. In the early part of the reboot he was filled with so much shame and me with so much hurt. I think we could have used some positive. Our commitment is to say something kind and uplifting to each other every day. If we are going to voice a frustration then it needs to be sandwiched between two thing the person does well. Not only does this make the  criticism not feel like such a blow but it also reminded the person giving the critique that you love this person and they do a lot of things well instead of focusing on only the negative. Though this process I have learned so much about how much husband feels about me. Some of my biggest insecurities I am realizing are some of his favorite things about me. It shows me just how much I am way too hard on myself and how I need to love myself more. It also is a daily reminder of just how amazing the man I married is.

So I guess to wrap this up I would say, even in the darkest and most difficult moments there is still always a bit of light. There is always hope for a better tomorrow and there is always something to be positive and celebrate. When you share that with someone else you create connection. Connection is where healing can really take off!

aquarius25

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Re: partner success story
« Reply #23 on: December 28, 2018, 01:03:59 PM »
I just wanted to add to this success story a few more things I have noticed. My husband is 2 1/2 years pron free. We no longer have sexual issues at all. He is a much more confident man and doesn't really carry the weight of shame with this addiction. He talks openly and freely about it with others when the topic arises and he doesn't seem to care about others opinions if they are negative. HE isn't worried about what others think, he just says this is a big part of his story and who he is today. He is proud of the work he has put in and really walks like a new man. He is more empathic and shows more care for others and how his actions impact those around him. He is someone I love so much more than who he was before D-day. He no longer struggles with performance anxiety as he knows he doesn't have to perform. When we are intimate it is so much better!!!! I can not emphasize this enough. He is present and sex really feels like a connection and not just sex.  We both trust and encourage each other and we both talk regularly about our life, goals and our future. Our marriage feels more like a partners and true best friends. I love this man so much more than I ever knew I could. We just celebrated our 15yr anniversary and I still feel like I miss him when he is gone for the afternoon. I look forward to seeming him when he comes home. He feels like my home. Our family is closer and I feel so much more love and joy. Looking forward to another year together!