Author Topic: Looking for some advice  (Read 678 times)

papa

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Looking for some advice
« on: March 08, 2018, 08:45:23 AM »

I have been addicted to porn since my early teens. I am 45 years old and have come to realize about three or four years ago that porn is a problem.  In 2016 I seek counselling about the addiction and and came across this site and started my reboot. I believe my first reboot lasted about a month or so before I relapsed, anyway my longest streak was 200 days and then I had relapsed. Currently my day streak is at 139 days.
A little bit about myself. I am married with kids and been married for 12 years. About three or four years ago I had an affair on my wife and she found out. We are still together and we are working on this together. She is aware of my porn addiction and is supportive. We have been in counselling for the last three years.  We have not been intimate in about five years. Everything is good currently in our marriage right now,  we get along, we talk, we spend time together, there’s just no intimacy. She is having troubles with this due to the affair, which I completely understand. At times she blames the affair on her self, and I reassured her every time it was not her fault and it was mine.
My situation now is I do not want to relapse again. I’m at about 140 days now and I can’t help myself but I am very horny, I do not want to go back to porn and get off. Any suggestions on what to do.   I have spoken to other people on different group pages about this and they tell me to talk to my wife about it, and I have recently.  I’m not sure if I should masturbate in front of her or do it alone or have her do it for me or none of them. I’m afraid if I do nothing I will end up back on the computer and on the porn.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2018, 10:29:28 AM »
Ask your self
why are you horny
What is important to you
Why do you need porn

These are not simple questions
You need to go down at least 5 levels of why to get to your roots.

Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Marco60

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2018, 12:10:10 PM »
Papa: what is your target? Why have you undertaken this recoot? These I think are the questions. You have a supportive wife, thus I think you would like to have again a normal sexual life with your wife: am I correct? Sex can be different things, not necessarily and not always the classical one. What is important is that you discuss with your wife and you try together, IF is her your target. Take the initiative: after all you started the problem, I think she expects that you act first.

5Dawgs

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2018, 12:06:56 AM »
I've not experienced this, so I can only speak from theory.  But what I think I would do in that situation is try to talk about it during a counseling session with my wife so that someone could help mediate and facilitate the conversation.  I think that way, both people are compelled to share their feelings more deeply.  I'm inspired by your willingness to work through this together for so long, and I wish you well as you continue forward.
5Dawgs

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2018, 01:58:49 PM »
Thanks for your supportive words 5 and I think I will bring it up again in conselling. My goal is to have a normal love life with my beautiful wife, that’s all I want, I don’t want to masturbate to porn any more. But im afraid if I don’t get an O soon I may slip and go to the porn like last time. Last time I went 200 days and then relapsed.  I don’t want to do that again.

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2018, 06:57:21 AM »
Day 149 and things are still tough. I have not O but I have the urges to do so. I feel that if I O it will take the edge off and I won’t feel so miserable.

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2018, 10:42:52 AM »
 I sure commend anyone that can stay away from mastubating and not having sex. I have been trying for over two years to quit this addiction and for some reason fail at times. I have went over 6 months clean one time and recently did 66 days . I have had sex during this times and the last failure was a day after having sex. I read that is called the chaser effect. I haven't PMOed for about a week but yesterday I edged all day wasting many hours of time that could have been put to better use. My only advice is if you feel the urge to PMO or ejaculate log onto here or No Fap .Good luck.

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2018, 11:34:46 AM »
Papa, i just can tell you what i read about this. It s only an opinion. There are two things you should keep in mind regarding MO. The first is that M can take you to P, something we do not want to return to, and the other is what they mentioned before, the chaser effect, is when you do one time MO and then you want more and more.
I'm in a situation similar to yours, only single. In my case, I try to return to the sexual practice avoiding MO, but I understand you because I feel the need continuously.
I know there are different opinions about MO after 3 months of reboot.
I think the point is MO is going to take you to P, do not do it. And insist on recovering your sex life as a couple.
It just an opinion!

Hug
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 11:36:43 AM by Alex48 »

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2018, 01:20:36 PM »
Thanks Alex I agree with you.  I can see that happening,  the chaser effect, I need to keep occupied. Alex what’s you day streak at?

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2018, 08:01:52 PM »
I m engineer and musician! I have many activities to take care of hehe. But, even that, for me it was decisive that y had 3 experience in which I had no erection, and I realized that I did not want that anymore. It was enough to get me fully into reboot. Even when PMO can be tempting, the need to recover my sexual life is more strong.
I am in that after 5 months of reboot, logically with many fears, but a little more confident.
Sorry of my english again!!!!

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2018, 07:31:55 AM »
Day 159 and I have been feeling a little down this week.  I guess I wish things were different at home and this whole process of recovery is just taking too long. I wish I could be normal to have normal intimacy with my wife but we are not there yet.  I have an urge to go look at a bit of P, maybe just check out some sites but no PMO. I know it will be wrong but I have to get my mind off of this.  I’m looking at the clock and I see I have 20 minutes to kill, what do I do?
 I’m signing off and I hope I can do something productive in the next 20 minutes and get on with my day

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2018, 12:32:13 PM »
Hello Papa. Try not to do P. 159 are many days. That is very good. I understand that for so long you have desire for P. In my case I decided after 3 months of reboot and not PMO, allow me a few times MO. I do not think it's ideal, but it keeps me completely away from P, which I think is the most important thing for my recovery. You have all those days without PMO ?. If so, stay on that way.

Marco60

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2018, 04:22:48 PM »
Papa: it would be better if you keep strong and continue avoiding P. I believe the theory which motivates reboot: P can re-activate the dopamine circle and stimulate the memory of the PMO experiences you had before. It is the visual stimulation without real sex what harms our ability to do sex.

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2018, 07:48:45 AM »
Yes Alex all those days with no P.   I am thinking of doing MO, but I don’t want to make my matters worse. How often do you MO? 
 By the way I ended up not watching any porn yesterday and I went and took a cold shower and went on with my day, but the urges come back again today. Sometimes I think if I just MO then I will feel better and I won’t have these urges, but who knows what’s right and what’s wrong anymore?
 I know everybody is different and it’s different situations for everyone

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2018, 11:58:25 AM »
Hi papa. I transcribe here the best opinion i recived asking about how to do with M or MO after 3 months of rebooting in hard mode:

"......After you have successfully rebooted you can hook up with as many partners as you want. You can probably masturbate whenever you want too, but never while watching porn or fantasising about porn.

Masturbation isn't the problem. Men have been masturbating for thousands of years and it's only now we are seeing this dramatic increase in young men and older men suffering with erectile dysfunction. What's changed? High speed porn and almost infinite novelty is the cause of our ED.

Alex, can you get an erection to your own touch? Can you maintain this erection? If the answer is still no then you probably need to continue to reboot in hardmode. If you answer yes to the two questions above then masturbating shouldn't be a problem as long as it's not to porn. If you start masturbating be careful you don't trigger the urge to watch porn! Ideally you need time to sever the porn pathways in your brain. Once you've done that then normal masturbation habits and sex with partners shouldn't be a problem. Who says eternal celibacy is the solution?....."

And then this mate wrote me this:

".....If you masturbate to touch this means NO imagination!

The difference between masturbating to porn and masturbating to fantasy (imagining porn scenes etc.) is only the mouse. If you use fantasy while you are masturbating you are basically using the same neural pathways in your brain that you used when you masturbated to porn. So, if you masturbate, try to focus on how it feels and keep all 'porn like' images out of your head. Watching porn and replaying porn scenes with you imagination is effectively the same thing.

If you fantasise while you're sleeping it's not a problem. You can't avoid that...."

I hope this will be useful to you, but I would not like to induce you to do anything that does not serve you. In my case I opted to access MO because I physically needed. I have done MO 3 times, once every 15 days approx. Now i m installed on the idea that never P, but searching ways to access to a healthy sexual life.

Jbow

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2018, 09:02:03 AM »
I'm on day 98 of my reboot, and as far as I'm concerned m, o, are fine in moderation. I think with what we are doing is losing the p. Masturbation is natural, it's  the flooding our brain with all the videos, and the dopamine  we are overloading in our brain with, and getting rid of those deep ruts we've trained our brain to.stay strong.  Tell your wife it's time for some lovin
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papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2018, 07:44:34 AM »

 Thanks guys great advice and I appreciate it. Let you know where I am now....  i’m on the 162, and yesterday I woke up with my wife beside me and as usual I woukd give her a back rub and then I stopped and just lied there.   Then she turned to me and started rubbing my chest and eventually made her way down between my legs, she has not been there in for five years probably due to our circumstances.  She rubbed me and eventually I grabbed her hand and put it in my pants and with a semi election I ended up O.  It felt great to finally O,  I just wish I could’ve had a full hard erection, but I didn’t. It was weird to O with not a full erection, but I guess that’s just the way it is now until we get more comfortable with each other.

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2018, 06:14:13 PM »
Great papa! That s good. It does not surprise me that you have O without a good erection. It is happening to me that I have an excessive sensitivity and  i experienced O without a good erection. Maybe it's a normal response to the time of abstinence. I would not be very sure. But still, that's  very good what  happend to you !!!

Skeeter53

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2018, 10:45:34 PM »
The same thing happened to me; orgasms without full erection. Twice through oral; once from a massage.

Marco60

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2018, 06:41:05 AM »
 :) It looks like a very positive progress Papa! You are lucky having a lovely wife!

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2018, 08:58:31 PM »
Skeeter are you still having O with semi erections? 

I woke up this morning with my wife beside me and I gave her a body rub but nothing happened, she got out of bed and ended up going downstairs, so I decided to MO. Does anyone think that was wrong and considered a relapse?

Skeeter53

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2018, 09:51:36 PM »
Yes I do. When I was using porn I often couldn’t get an erection or orgasm with someone else. Now I am extremely sensitive and orgasm before I am completely erect. It’s a new problem to work on but much better than what I was experiencing before.

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2018, 07:28:48 AM »
How are you working on that problem?  The other morning I MO and I was fully erected but the time my wife MO me it was a semi. How do we fix this semi-erection problem?

Alex48

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2018, 10:51:10 AM »
Something similar is happening to me. I have high sensitivity so sometimes just touching me a little I can have O without reaching a full erection. I guess in my situation that's because I M once a week. I mean, it's normal for me, that O can get there before a good erection.

papa

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Re: Looking for some advice
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2018, 01:51:13 PM »
When you M do you get full erection?  I would like to get a full erection with my wife and then O, am I doing something wrong?