Author Topic: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)  (Read 2796 times)

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #75 on: June 13, 2018, 01:58:44 PM »
Deadcat,

That is amazing progress. You should be proud of what you have accomplished.Keep it up. You are an inspiration to others on their journey.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #76 on: June 13, 2018, 02:11:48 PM »
Well done Deadcat.

It's great that you're able to be intimate wth your partner. I'm on day 163 and I'm still in a flatline! Reading success stories like your keeps me focused and motivated to ride out this storm.

Stay strong and I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength!


Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #77 on: June 26, 2018, 11:11:49 PM »
Let me start out by saying this reboot shit is hard.

I’m at 155 days from day zero, the day I quit porn.  I’ve done well recently avoiding masterbation although I’ve been tempted.  I also have urges to stop by local strip clubs to check if the plumbing works with visual non pixel stimuli, but I haven’t.  I admit to clicking a pic here or there but no nudity and never video.  All this and I thought I’d be further along in recovery, but I’m not. 

Yesterday my wife and I were packing for vacation.  I witnessed her trying on several outfits and all the stages in between.  It was very mentally stimulating.....but that’s it.  No physical erection.  My mind was saying, “go make love to that woman” while my body was saying “hey, what’s on tv?” 

I’m praying my body catches up with my mind.  Very tired of the flatline and very tired of my pill dependence (They give severe heartburn!).  I realize 5 months isn’t a lot of time after watching porn for nearly 20 years.  I need to be more patient.

On the bright side, my work effort has improved and my relationship with my wife is constantly getting better.  I find her more attractive each day.  I also find myself more calm and patient with things that used to set me off.  All positive gains.

I just can’t wait for this horribleness to be behind me!

God bless all and keep up the fight!

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #78 on: June 27, 2018, 11:15:50 AM »
Deadcat,

I hear your thoughts...

Very tired of the flatline and very tired of my pill dependence (They give severe heartburn!).

Is this Viagra or similar medications? If so, has anyone had difficulty with flatline and can attribute it to the use of these meds? I am not sure but I think I might even give up these. Maybe accept that this should be cuddle time with your wife without expectations of finishing?

I don't clam to know; just talking at the moment. I will agree that the process is hard. It has to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I know what I need to do, know would should be done, but my mind continues to come up with alternatives that it thinks would be "wonderful."

Please keep going. You are doing amazingly well with the time away from p. You are an inspiration to many who visit RN, registered members and individuals who are searching themselves for the answer to these types of of questions.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #79 on: July 06, 2018, 02:13:17 PM »
It's over 5 months without porn.  I'm not bothering with an exact number because at this point it doesn't matter.  It will be six months on July 23rd, nearly half a year.

I had sex again yesterday morning with the help of some ED Drugs.  PE rose it's ugly head again and I felt defeated.  My wife was not as critical as in previous encounters but I am disappointed that I can't ravage my wife as I once did and want to.  PE is almost worse than ED because you can take a drug for ED.  I have yet to find a consistent cure for PE.  It had been sometime, maybe two weeks since my wife and I had sex.  I think the long breaks affect my stamina some.  I'm much better when we have less time in between.  But until I improve my performance, my wife has no desire to pick up our pace.  That's kind of vicious circle.

I'm happy I have changed life for the positive.  I'm just wishful for more positive results in the better.

I'm still MOing but very infrequently.  Trying to stop but I think I feel the need to test myself and my PE isn't helping.  I've convinced myself that MOing might help with the PE, but I think it hurts the ED, another vicious never ending circle.

Stay strong gents.  Still praying for a full cure from this stupid problem that I caused.

Fenix

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #80 on: July 07, 2018, 02:33:08 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story, your dedication is impressive...I noticed in a few posts you mentioned you hadn't spoken to your wife about PIED. Has that changed? Seems like a huge weight to be carrying around that could be an obstacle to intimacy. I'm obviously not in your shoes but curious...

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #81 on: July 09, 2018, 02:29:13 PM »
I have not.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #82 on: July 11, 2018, 07:39:57 AM »
We are approaching 6 months of being Porn free.  I do not for a second regret my decision to give up porn and my life, truthfully, is much better without it.  But that said, I find myself extremely disappointed with my lack of healing thus far.  At nearly 6 months, I am still experience flatline.  While I find my wife more attractive than ever, I'm not getting the feelings down low that I had hoped for at this stage.  I am still experience PE.  I am still relying on ED medication to get the erection I desire.

Thoughts: I have not done a hard reboot.  I still MO from time to time, but honestly it's infrequent (once a week or less).  I have sex with my wife (some good some bad).  I have been guilty of looking at photos of hot girls occasionally but I am not wacking my wiener to them and I usually quickly stop myself.  This journey has truly been easier than I expected and I am thankful for that.  I, however, like stated above, am just really disappointed in my results.

Here's what I know: nearly 20 years of porn use has caused this.  I can't expect less than one to cure it.  I hate that I allowed images on a screen to steal what now has been 4 years or more of great sex from my wife and I.  I was fortunate to marry a beautiful woman and am now wasting our best years because of my inability to control my desires.

My goals: I am going to once again stop MOing.  I know I'm guilty of MOing because of fear things don't work instead of extreme uncontrollable passion/desire.  That's not helping.  My mind is telling me to MO, but my body isn't there yet. I will try to ignore my mind and listen to my body. I want to stop using ED meds.  I believe the ED meds contribute to my PE (can't prove this).  I'm scared of not performing for my wife so I cheat.  But like everyone's old high school coach used to say, I'm only cheating myself.  I need to focus less on sex and more on other things.  My desire to have great sex with my wife weighs too heavy on my mind.  I need to let it go and relax.  My anxiety over this is too great.

I have read where some people dreamed about watching porn.  After nearly six months, it happened to me.  I woke up with regret like I had given into my desire.  I quickly realized that it was a dream and that I had not watched porn.  I look at this as good thing.  I am winning against my mind and it's trying to get me back to where I was.  I won't give in.  There is no pleasure going back to that place.  I can only find pleasure through healing and reunited the passion that I know my wife and I have for one another.

Note: I have not told my wife about my PIED and do not ever plan to.  I know some have preached of the support their wives have given them in the healing process.  I know my wife and that would not happen.  The hurt and pain this confession would give her would be tremendous and could cause severe if not terminal marital issues.  This is my burden and I have accepted it.  I have stolen 4 years from my wife and I cannot give them back.  I can only work my best to ensure the rest of our lives together are happy.  I will tell you my decision to leave porn behind has tremendously helped my marriage and we argue less.  We don't argue less because she is different (if you knew my wife you'd know what I mean).  We argue less because I am more calm and able to withstand her sometimes hurtful words and behavior.  And before anyone notices an issue and recommends counseling, I will confess that I have considered this and am not there yet.  My wife has issues that I accepted when I married her.  She is a strong woman who has overcome some incredible odds that now affect her actions.  As her husband, I am trying to lead her towards where I want her to be instead of telling her.  As most men on this board should know, telling a woman what to do is rarely successful.

I pray everyone is doing well in their journeys.  I do believe there is healing and I do believe life without porn offers so much more than the false promises porn gives us.  Like drugs, many of us used porn to escape reality.  Stop escaping.  Accept reality.  If you don't like it, change it.  But don't hide from reality with drugs, porn or any other addiction.  None of these will bring you happiness.  My best recommendation, volunteer somewhere.  Helping others always takes your mind of your problems.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #83 on: July 18, 2018, 07:50:20 AM »
Nearing 6 months of being Porn Free and feeling great.  I have good days and bad days.  Flatline days and days with action below.  I would say, however, that the positives far out way the negatives.

So the very day I wrote my last entry, I broke down and used ED drugs.  I had thought my wife would want to have sex and fear of failure again led me to turn to the infamous blue pill.  We didn't end up sex and I missed out on some valuable recovery time because I immediately went back into flatline.  I forgave myself this misstep and was thankful we were going on a short trip.  I had five days away from home to reboot without fear of intimacy or failure often associated with.  I'm not home again and am back to some activity below and morning wood. 

I've been reading about use (or overuse) of ED Meds and their effects.  It seems the science is mixed.  Several posters on this site (including myself) have suggested staying away and that the drugs hinder recovery.  I'm more and more convinced that this is true, or at least with me.  My brain while desensitized by Porn became dependent on drugs for erections.  Now, when I see a sexy girl, without the drug, my brain doesn't send any signals to my penis to react.  I've got to get away from those drugs and retrain the brain.

To help myself, I've removed my ED meds from my medicine cabinet and into my personal safe.  I don't want, yet, to throw them out because they may later serve a purpose after my brain is healed (a long time from now).  I did leave two pills in my pill bottle (one Viagra and one other).  I plan to consciously avoid those and choose not to take them.  My wife and I have been flirting with each other a lot lately so I'm feeling a test coming on soon but I admittedly am very nervous.  Part of me wants to ravage my wife every night and part of me wants to avoid interaction to allow for more healing time.  I'm not going to press either and let nature take over.  Wish me luck!


Fenix

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #84 on: July 19, 2018, 05:39:39 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to some of it. The pills situation is a slippery slope. Although I relied on a natural remedy, I still used it as a crutch and was concerned with possible side effects. The thought of failure can be terrifying though and if it works it's hard to leave it alone. I was also caught between the desire to be a sex machine and the fear of intimacy. Lots of stress...I recognize your dedication and intentions and I wish you the best of luck!

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #85 on: July 20, 2018, 12:02:47 PM »
Nearly 6 months w/o porn

Yesterday was a failure.  I knew my wife was ready and broke down and took a pill.  After flirting with her some and becoming semi-hard, I was just too scared about failure and what that would mean to our relationship not to take a half a pill.  It didn't work anyway.  While pleasing my wife with some electronic help, I came in my condom and never even made it to penetration.  I can't figure out if its the drug that is causing this our sensitivity due to lack of sexual stimulation for long periods of time.  Regardless, I know the pill was the wrong choice.  This morning when we woke up I decided to try again.  This time I was hard but went limp halfway through.  My wife was not into it and the passion wasn't there so I was forcing it.  I'm sure that didn't help. 

On the positive side, I should be able to take a couple weeks or so before failing (or succeeding) again.  I am really just getting tired of this.  I desperately want to make passionate love to my wife without worrying about going limp or cuming in 5 seconds.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #86 on: July 22, 2018, 09:47:55 PM »
A day shy of 6 months without porn

So despite failure to avoid ED drugs and my weak performance, my wife still initiated some sexual activity on Friday.  I was nervous because I didn't take any pills and had felt little activity below.  But for the first time in a long time, my animal instincts took over and I just went for it.  I actually felt normal.  I was able to kiss my wife hard with passion and not worry about not getting hard or cumming to soon.  It was awesome.  My wife and I had sex and everything was going great until I literally felt myself go limp.  My wife thought I had gone limp but I explained that I had not.  I could tell she was disappointed because she was excited with the direction things were headed.  I, however, was not because I for once in a long time felt improvement.  I felt myself.  I knew that my PIED was curable and that I only had to remain strong.  Unfortunately my wife we on to calling my her names, "minuteman, limpy, etc."  She once again began her "it will only take a second jokes."  But I with my new confidence and belief in healing let them all slide.  I was too high on life.  The jokes didn't carry on long and my wife was back to being affectionate with me.  She probably saw my glow.  I'm not healed and probably have a long way to go.  But I threw away my last readily available pill and am leaning towards ridding myself of all of them.  I know PIED caused my first issue that led me to reliance on ED pills.  Had I know of PIED four years ago I'd not have destroyed my body and confidence with ED drugs.  I now must be patient and see what happens.  But I believe healing is on its way and I know that my biggest enemy, PE, will be out of my life without the ED drugs.  I just need time to cure my PIED and my ED along with it.  I can't wait!!!!

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #87 on: July 23, 2018, 02:33:19 AM »
Well done Deadcat. 6 months is a fantastic achievement. Your story gives me some hope that I'll show some signs of healing too. We just have to be patient.

Good luck!

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #88 on: July 23, 2018, 11:18:34 AM »
Thank you, Mousemat.  We're in this journey towards healing together.  I'm pulling for you as well.  Keep up the good fight!

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #89 on: July 27, 2018, 12:39:56 PM »
186 Days (only sharing because Mousemat is at 207), basically over 6 months without Porn.

MOed a couple days ago.  Not sure if that was healthy or not but I had a good erection.  I've done well avoiding taking those famous blue pills recently.  I've nervous about my performance without them but I believe they could be part of my problem and why my recovery has been so long.  I started some Kegel Exercises with a Kegel exerciser.  Not sure if this helps or not but I feel it will help with my PE by strengthening my pelvic floor.  We'll see.  So far I'm up and down with EQ.  Not much at night.  Morning wood to start the day half the time.  I guess that is progress.

Qtrmilerun

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #90 on: July 28, 2018, 07:21:51 AM »
Dear DeadCat,

I truly enjoyed reading your journal. I have read most all of it. A couple of things I think might help:

1. RELAX! It seems you are putting a great deal of pressure on yourself to perform in the bedroom. That pressure is definitely not making things easier. As we all know, most of "sex" is in your head. All the pressure is definitely screwing with you!

2. Remember, you aren't 18 anymore. As a 50 something I can tell you that it's natural not to have the same drive you once had as a teenager or 20 or 30 something. It's just a fact of life my friend :)

I think you are doing GREAT! Keep going and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be a porn star in the bedroom!!

Yours in the bond of healing,
QTR
Be Consistent, stay focused, and  you will make progress.

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #91 on: July 30, 2018, 02:52:40 PM »
I agree with QRT,

Don't put so much pressure on yourself for you to perform. You can make love without that appendage down there. Use your imagination or just "cuddle ." And, throw away the pills!


You are doing wonderful!

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #92 on: August 02, 2018, 12:48:24 PM »
Over 6 months without porn in my life.

So last night I made a move and threw caution to the wind.  I was able to get erect without drugs which is a positive.  I, however, only lasted seconds.  Not good.  Before PIED and ED drugs, I never had this problem.  Now I can't shake it.  Frustrating.  I know my wife is equally as frustrated.  I know our poor sex life effects our marriage as my wife and I always fight after a bad night of sex.  I really want this to end.

I started to MO today.  Probably to test things.  I couldn't stay erect so I stopped myself.  My EQ is obviously not good and I'm not healed which could be causing my problem.  I also go a week or longer between sex with my wife and that doesn't help.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #93 on: August 13, 2018, 12:10:16 PM »
Nearly 7 months (who's counting days) without porn

While this is a great achievement and I am happy with my choice, my results are still poor.  I'm trying to be patient but after nearly 7 months, I expected more. 

This week my wife and I had the discussion again that she loves me but is extremely frustrated with our poor sex life.  I still have trouble getting erect from time to time and when I do I don't last.  This weekend we fooled around and I got erect but didn't last long.  We tried again last night and I could not get erect without help but when I did it was over too quickly for both of us.  We've been struggling with these problems for more than 4 years now.  The PE has been getting progressively worse for the past two.  I've stopped taking ED drugs because I think they negatively effected my brain rewiring.  It's all just very difficult on a happily married man.

I found some new instructional videos on YouTube.  Caitlin V is a sex therapist and has some good videos on recovery and the effects of porn.  She's gives her contact information.  I thinking about calling for help.  Does anyone else use a sex therapist?  I'm curious if it helps.

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #94 on: August 13, 2018, 12:22:12 PM »
Hey Deadcat.

Well done! I'm 224 days clean and I'm still showing little or no improvement. I still have no desire for sex. In fact the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. It's very weird. I completely understand your frustration.

We've just got to hand in there and we'll come out the other side. It's going to take time. I'm glad to hear your off the ED drugs. You and your wife just have to be patient. It's shit while we're rebooting but the future should be much brighter!

Good luck!

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #95 on: August 14, 2018, 10:21:38 AM »
On a positive note, morning wood is consistent and regular.  I don't believe I am in a flatline necessarily any longer.  Instead, I believe I am just not 100% and my brain still isn't firing necessarily the way it should.  Hopefully my rewire is still in progress with more healing to come.  My goal is to be cured in under a year.  It's probably not productive to set goals like that but that's what I'm doing.  I also think now that I've dismissed the ED drugs, my healing has progressed more quickly.

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #96 on: August 14, 2018, 10:45:37 AM »
I also think now that I've dismissed the ED drugs, my healing has progressed more quickly.

I agree with you on this. Hope the change comes quickly.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #97 on: August 28, 2018, 01:36:40 PM »
I now stand over 7 months without Porn.  I've also given up ED drugs and Masturbating. 

My last two attempts at sex with my wife have been amazingly successful.  Our sex actually returned to the level it was when we first met.  I did feel myself losing control but was into the moment enough to switch things up and refocus.  I know my wife was pleased and has been much nicer to me as a result of being finally sexually satisfied.  I don't, however, consider myself healed but instead just further along in my journey.  My arousal is not quite back to 100% and I still feel a little flat-lined at times.  I'm, however, curious if this is the way I was before ED drugs and my body/mind is just starting to recognize normal.  With ED drugs, the mere sight of an attractive woman gave me an erection harder than steel.  Now, I think more is required which is probably good.  I am experience more frequent morning/night erections.  I think all this is positive.

I believe my timeline is closer to the 1-year mark for full healing and I am prepared to wait that long or longer if needed.  I am, however, extremely grateful for the progress I have made and the support I've received from this site and YourBrainOnPorn.  Had I not discovered these two sites, I'm fearful where my life would be.

What I've learned recently:

1. Give up ED drugs - the porn industry has sprung up a new industry of ED drugs.  Radio and television commercials speak of a severe problem men have with ED and their need for supplements, doctor prescribed drugs and visits to specialized treatment facilities.  While for some this may be the case, I think a majority of the problem is simply porn use (at least that has been my case).  Using ED drugs only masked the real problem.  I still had a problem with porn use but was able to have wonderful sex with my wife for two plus years until even the ED drugs didn't help.  Now without them, I am finding out that I likely never needed them to begin with.

2. Give up masturbating - I've watched many youtube videos and read many articles on how masturbating properly can help men last longer.  I've tried this but with no success.  Again, I can't speak for everyone, but after reading how Gabe and others gave up masturbating and it helped, I chose to do the same with similar results.  Masturbating was selfish and providing no help in my sexual relationship with my wife.  Giving up masturbating, however, has increased my libido.  Patience and practice have given me some control over my PE.  This was what I needed all along, not masturbating 3 to 4 times a week while working on edging as some sites suggested.

I'd add give up porn but that's a given on this site.  Nothing good comes from watching porn.  Best of luck gents!

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #98 on: August 28, 2018, 03:58:42 PM »
That sounds super. Congratulations!

That  is a big change in lifestyle. I am moving to that kind of time frame but I have a ways to go.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

newstart

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #99 on: August 28, 2018, 05:46:19 PM »
You are a cool Cat!  I just read your initial journal entry/story.  First thanks for sharing your story.  You are brave to share it and it has done me well today.  I'm so glad you see the positives in what you are doing.

Well done and congratulations on 7 months!
In need of freedom from this $#!T called porn.  Why do I want it so much?!?!