Author Topic: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)  (Read 1955 times)

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #75 on: June 13, 2018, 01:58:44 PM »
Deadcat,

That is amazing progress. You should be proud of what you have accomplished.Keep it up. You are an inspiration to others on their journey.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #76 on: June 13, 2018, 02:11:48 PM »
Well done Deadcat.

It's great that you're able to be intimate wth your partner. I'm on day 163 and I'm still in a flatline! Reading success stories like your keeps me focused and motivated to ride out this storm.

Stay strong and I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength!


Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #77 on: June 26, 2018, 11:11:49 PM »
Let me start out by saying this reboot shit is hard.

I’m at 155 days from day zero, the day I quit porn.  I’ve done well recently avoiding masterbation although I’ve been tempted.  I also have urges to stop by local strip clubs to check if the plumbing works with visual non pixel stimuli, but I haven’t.  I admit to clicking a pic here or there but no nudity and never video.  All this and I thought I’d be further along in recovery, but I’m not. 

Yesterday my wife and I were packing for vacation.  I witnessed her trying on several outfits and all the stages in between.  It was very mentally stimulating.....but that’s it.  No physical erection.  My mind was saying, “go make love to that woman” while my body was saying “hey, what’s on tv?” 

I’m praying my body catches up with my mind.  Very tired of the flatline and very tired of my pill dependence (They give severe heartburn!).  I realize 5 months isn’t a lot of time after watching porn for nearly 20 years.  I need to be more patient.

On the bright side, my work effort has improved and my relationship with my wife is constantly getting better.  I find her more attractive each day.  I also find myself more calm and patient with things that used to set me off.  All positive gains.

I just can’t wait for this horribleness to be behind me!

God bless all and keep up the fight!

bob

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #78 on: June 27, 2018, 11:15:50 AM »
Deadcat,

I hear your thoughts...

Very tired of the flatline and very tired of my pill dependence (They give severe heartburn!).

Is this Viagra or similar medications? If so, has anyone had difficulty with flatline and can attribute it to the use of these meds? I am not sure but I think I might even give up these. Maybe accept that this should be cuddle time with your wife without expectations of finishing?

I don't clam to know; just talking at the moment. I will agree that the process is hard. It has to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I know what I need to do, know would should be done, but my mind continues to come up with alternatives that it thinks would be "wonderful."

Please keep going. You are doing amazingly well with the time away from p. You are an inspiration to many who visit RN, registered members and individuals who are searching themselves for the answer to these types of of questions.

Peace
May 10, 2018 was the end.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #79 on: July 06, 2018, 02:13:17 PM »
It's over 5 months without porn.  I'm not bothering with an exact number because at this point it doesn't matter.  It will be six months on July 23rd, nearly half a year.

I had sex again yesterday morning with the help of some ED Drugs.  PE rose it's ugly head again and I felt defeated.  My wife was not as critical as in previous encounters but I am disappointed that I can't ravage my wife as I once did and want to.  PE is almost worse than ED because you can take a drug for ED.  I have yet to find a consistent cure for PE.  It had been sometime, maybe two weeks since my wife and I had sex.  I think the long breaks affect my stamina some.  I'm much better when we have less time in between.  But until I improve my performance, my wife has no desire to pick up our pace.  That's kind of vicious circle.

I'm happy I have changed life for the positive.  I'm just wishful for more positive results in the better.

I'm still MOing but very infrequently.  Trying to stop but I think I feel the need to test myself and my PE isn't helping.  I've convinced myself that MOing might help with the PE, but I think it hurts the ED, another vicious never ending circle.

Stay strong gents.  Still praying for a full cure from this stupid problem that I caused.

Fenix

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #80 on: July 07, 2018, 02:33:08 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story, your dedication is impressive...I noticed in a few posts you mentioned you hadn't spoken to your wife about PIED. Has that changed? Seems like a huge weight to be carrying around that could be an obstacle to intimacy. I'm obviously not in your shoes but curious...

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #81 on: July 09, 2018, 02:29:13 PM »
I have not.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #82 on: July 11, 2018, 07:39:57 AM »
We are approaching 6 months of being Porn free.  I do not for a second regret my decision to give up porn and my life, truthfully, is much better without it.  But that said, I find myself extremely disappointed with my lack of healing thus far.  At nearly 6 months, I am still experience flatline.  While I find my wife more attractive than ever, I'm not getting the feelings down low that I had hoped for at this stage.  I am still experience PE.  I am still relying on ED medication to get the erection I desire.

Thoughts: I have not done a hard reboot.  I still MO from time to time, but honestly it's infrequent (once a week or less).  I have sex with my wife (some good some bad).  I have been guilty of looking at photos of hot girls occasionally but I am not wacking my wiener to them and I usually quickly stop myself.  This journey has truly been easier than I expected and I am thankful for that.  I, however, like stated above, am just really disappointed in my results.

Here's what I know: nearly 20 years of porn use has caused this.  I can't expect less than one to cure it.  I hate that I allowed images on a screen to steal what now has been 4 years or more of great sex from my wife and I.  I was fortunate to marry a beautiful woman and am now wasting our best years because of my inability to control my desires.

My goals: I am going to once again stop MOing.  I know I'm guilty of MOing because of fear things don't work instead of extreme uncontrollable passion/desire.  That's not helping.  My mind is telling me to MO, but my body isn't there yet. I will try to ignore my mind and listen to my body. I want to stop using ED meds.  I believe the ED meds contribute to my PE (can't prove this).  I'm scared of not performing for my wife so I cheat.  But like everyone's old high school coach used to say, I'm only cheating myself.  I need to focus less on sex and more on other things.  My desire to have great sex with my wife weighs too heavy on my mind.  I need to let it go and relax.  My anxiety over this is too great.

I have read where some people dreamed about watching porn.  After nearly six months, it happened to me.  I woke up with regret like I had given into my desire.  I quickly realized that it was a dream and that I had not watched porn.  I look at this as good thing.  I am winning against my mind and it's trying to get me back to where I was.  I won't give in.  There is no pleasure going back to that place.  I can only find pleasure through healing and reunited the passion that I know my wife and I have for one another.

Note: I have not told my wife about my PIED and do not ever plan to.  I know some have preached of the support their wives have given them in the healing process.  I know my wife and that would not happen.  The hurt and pain this confession would give her would be tremendous and could cause severe if not terminal marital issues.  This is my burden and I have accepted it.  I have stolen 4 years from my wife and I cannot give them back.  I can only work my best to ensure the rest of our lives together are happy.  I will tell you my decision to leave porn behind has tremendously helped my marriage and we argue less.  We don't argue less because she is different (if you knew my wife you'd know what I mean).  We argue less because I am more calm and able to withstand her sometimes hurtful words and behavior.  And before anyone notices an issue and recommends counseling, I will confess that I have considered this and am not there yet.  My wife has issues that I accepted when I married her.  She is a strong woman who has overcome some incredible odds that now affect her actions.  As her husband, I am trying to lead her towards where I want her to be instead of telling her.  As most men on this board should know, telling a woman what to do is rarely successful.

I pray everyone is doing well in their journeys.  I do believe there is healing and I do believe life without porn offers so much more than the false promises porn gives us.  Like drugs, many of us used porn to escape reality.  Stop escaping.  Accept reality.  If you don't like it, change it.  But don't hide from reality with drugs, porn or any other addiction.  None of these will bring you happiness.  My best recommendation, volunteer somewhere.  Helping others always takes your mind of your problems.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #83 on: July 18, 2018, 07:50:20 AM »
Nearing 6 months of being Porn Free and feeling great.  I have good days and bad days.  Flatline days and days with action below.  I would say, however, that the positives far out way the negatives.

So the very day I wrote my last entry, I broke down and used ED drugs.  I had thought my wife would want to have sex and fear of failure again led me to turn to the infamous blue pill.  We didn't end up sex and I missed out on some valuable recovery time because I immediately went back into flatline.  I forgave myself this misstep and was thankful we were going on a short trip.  I had five days away from home to reboot without fear of intimacy or failure often associated with.  I'm not home again and am back to some activity below and morning wood. 

I've been reading about use (or overuse) of ED Meds and their effects.  It seems the science is mixed.  Several posters on this site (including myself) have suggested staying away and that the drugs hinder recovery.  I'm more and more convinced that this is true, or at least with me.  My brain while desensitized by Porn became dependent on drugs for erections.  Now, when I see a sexy girl, without the drug, my brain doesn't send any signals to my penis to react.  I've got to get away from those drugs and retrain the brain.

To help myself, I've removed my ED meds from my medicine cabinet and into my personal safe.  I don't want, yet, to throw them out because they may later serve a purpose after my brain is healed (a long time from now).  I did leave two pills in my pill bottle (one Viagra and one other).  I plan to consciously avoid those and choose not to take them.  My wife and I have been flirting with each other a lot lately so I'm feeling a test coming on soon but I admittedly am very nervous.  Part of me wants to ravage my wife every night and part of me wants to avoid interaction to allow for more healing time.  I'm not going to press either and let nature take over.  Wish me luck!


Fenix

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #84 on: July 19, 2018, 05:39:39 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to some of it. The pills situation is a slippery slope. Although I relied on a natural remedy, I still used it as a crutch and was concerned with possible side effects. The thought of failure can be terrifying though and if it works it's hard to leave it alone. I was also caught between the desire to be a sex machine and the fear of intimacy. Lots of stress...I recognize your dedication and intentions and I wish you the best of luck!

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #85 on: July 20, 2018, 12:02:47 PM »
Nearly 6 months w/o porn

Yesterday was a failure.  I knew my wife was ready and broke down and took a pill.  After flirting with her some and becoming semi-hard, I was just too scared about failure and what that would mean to our relationship not to take a half a pill.  It didn't work anyway.  While pleasing my wife with some electronic help, I came in my condom and never even made it to penetration.  I can't figure out if its the drug that is causing this our sensitivity due to lack of sexual stimulation for long periods of time.  Regardless, I know the pill was the wrong choice.  This morning when we woke up I decided to try again.  This time I was hard but went limp halfway through.  My wife was not into it and the passion wasn't there so I was forcing it.  I'm sure that didn't help. 

On the positive side, I should be able to take a couple weeks or so before failing (or succeeding) again.  I am really just getting tired of this.  I desperately want to make passionate love to my wife without worrying about going limp or cuming in 5 seconds.