Author Topic: The summer of a dormouse  (Read 2097 times)

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #50 on: June 25, 2018, 04:03:23 PM »
Day 120

Had a couple of close calls over the last couple of days.

The first was a job offer I had to do an erotic drawing for an old client. He was offering good money, but I knew his stuff was pretty NSFW, so I told him I was only taking on jobs that were not sexual. It was tempting, because I could convince myself it was only for a job, but I know that I have to get reference pics for these types of drawings and those pics have, in the past, always come from porn. my drawing sessions were very often accompanied, if not over taken by, extended porn sessions. In the end I turned the job down. Client was not happy, but I think I saved myself from a big pitfall.

The second was some research I am doing for a story I am writing. It involves some risque films made in the 1920s. I wanted to do a little research to see the kind of thing they had in those films. I was expecting flapper girls, possibly in their underwear. Who knew they made porn in the 1920s? It also took me onto a porn site with loads of links to other videos. I canned the thumbnails, but got out of there pretty quickly.

I feel guilty that I ended up on a porn site, and part of me knows that when I clicked the link I was probably going to end up on said porn site. I am happy I was able to shut it down though before any PMO was attempted.

Apparently I am not to be trusted at the moment, so I am entering a state of heightened vigilance.

Until next time...

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #51 on: July 11, 2018, 03:59:20 PM »
Day 135

Just a quick check in to say I fought through the tough times. Once the stressed dropped away the urges mostly went with it. It also helped to get away for a while and have a break somewhere with limited internet access. Now that I am back ad rested, I seem to be having some smooth sailing again. Really eager to reach my 6 month goal now!

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #52 on: July 16, 2018, 03:11:08 PM »
Day 140

Entered some dangerous territory. Had to do some research of figure poses for an art commission I was working on. Found my way back into a porn site and got blasted with some very graphic pop ups. the good news is I managed to ignore the pop ups and the urge to fap. I did a bit longer than I would have liked getting the reference pics though, and I will have to reconsider that kind of work. I thought it would be okay because it involved only implied nudes. Unfortunately there is not a lot of gray area on the Internet between what might go in a sports illustrated swimwear edition and would make even a hardened pornstar go a bit weak at the knees. I have to remember that.

Anyway, the upside is there was no edging or PMO and I got out of there and have not gone back. I am rededicating myself to projects that do not require me to draw scantily clad women, even though that is a genre I particularly enjoy working in, and has proven to be one of my most lucrative over the years.

I had an old client write to me the other day to ask me to do the kind of work I used to do and I had to turn him down because, as I explained, It would require me to do some research on porn sites to draw the right poses, etc. He was pretty pissed off and it was hard to turn down a paying job, but I feel stronger that I did it. He was unwilling to hire me to draw something less sexual and I am pretty certain I have lost a client. I have been trying to adjust my output, but I am not attracting as many clients as I did when I was drawing more explicit stuff. Hopefully this changes, or else I can develop a new outlet for my talents, because it is really nice to get paid for work I enjoy doing anyway.

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #53 on: July 19, 2018, 03:42:12 PM »
Day 143

I just want to reiterate, for anyone out there still having doubts. Sex post reboot is infinitely better.

The times I have been having sex with the wife have been so much better. No ED and no DE.

Last night the wife was on top, which is something I have had problems with in the past due to not being able to maintain an solid erection throughout/ This time it was incredible, definitely one of the best sexual experiences of my life. Great to know I don;t have to be stuck with missionary my whole life just because it was the only was I could keep a decent hard on.

And, I have said it before, it is way more intense when you are actually present and not flicking through your porn highlights reel looking to speed up your DE. It makes sex fun again.

Wishing all of you rebooters similar success.

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #54 on: July 29, 2018, 03:25:09 PM »
DAY 154

Been having a good run, porn-wise. Temptation has been low and I have avoided silly online tricks that can start me on the porn track. Sex with the wife is still great, and while the frequency is not as high as I would like (but what married man cannot say that?) it is infinitely better than my porn addiction days. I feel like I can properly lose myself in the act, and not just try to imagine other people doing what I am actually doing.

The best discovery I made was a free 3D modelling app I stumbled across. I have mentioned before that I make extra money doing NSFW art commissions. I need reference material to draw my pics and, in the past, this has always come from porn. It was usually soft porn, but that always started the porn-spiral.

Now, with the 3D modelling tools I can create reference figures exactly how I want and, best of all, I do not have to go perusing porn sites looking for reference pics. It means I can still earn a bit of extra income, do something I actually enjoy doing, and remove the porn from the equation. It has been a huge revelation for me.

Can't believe I am approaching nearly 6 months without a PMO. This crushes any previous attempt by months. Determined to make it to a year so that I can move over to the "Success story" side of the board and stay there. I have been inspired by the achievements of so many who have beaten this thing, I really hope I can do the same for someone else one day.

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #55 on: August 17, 2018, 03:45:10 PM »
DAY 173

Had a really stressful last couple of weeks. I have no doubt that is my porn trigger, because the desire to go back has been increasing. Hoping now that the work stress is less the pressure will be less. Still I made it through without a PMO or visiting any pornsites and I am a week away from my 180 day goal!

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #56 on: August 28, 2018, 02:49:31 PM »
6 MONTHS!

If you asked me 6 months ago if I thought I could go 6 months without a PMO I would have called you crazy. It has not been an easy ride, but it has been totally worth it.

Things I know have changed for the better:

1. Sex life - can't even be compared to my PA days. A dick that stays hard and that I have some control over when I reach my climax is almost like finding you have had hidden superpowers all along. Sure, after 7 years of marriage and 2 young kids we probably don't get down to it as much as I would like, but when we do it is the best either of us has had.

2. Productivity - I have been getting more work done on personal projects, and one of my passion projects is nearing completion now, for the first time ever. This is despite a crazy workload and 2 young kids who demand a lot of time.

3. Self-worth - I no longer have to feel depressed about the hours I waste fapping every night when I should be doing productive stuff. I no longer feel like I am cheating on my wife in some way and I no longer have to worry about my family going through my pc if I should happen to die in a freak accident and discovering my secret life.

I am sure there are more, but I cannot think of them for now.

It has been a great feeling to come so far and feel the benefits. I really hope that those of you out there still struggling in the early stages can stick it out and get to this point. Stay strong

imaquitter

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #57 on: September 13, 2018, 01:59:51 PM »
Great achievement! I can relate to a lot in your journal. I didn't use porn so much and I have doubted I'll ever be clean. Your history really encourages me!
First and last real reboot, august 29, 2018 (49 days, ended with 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 (hardmode)

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #58 on: October 04, 2018, 04:15:26 PM »
Thanks imaquitter. I am glad I can offer someone else a little encouragement. Now at 7 months, I am starting to feel like I am succeeding and I hope others can get as far as me and even further, it is a great place to be, and it definitely gets easier the longer you hang in there. There is always the chance of a momentary temptation, which could lead to a slip that can ruin everything, but those get fewer and further apart with time.

7 Months

Past the seven month mark and heading for 8. Mostly been good. I have found myself tempted to "glance" at things I shouldn't, but I have still not had a PMO. Sometimes when I visit movie download sites I see the porn movies mixed in with the regular ones. I have clicked on links to the porn ones, to check out the covers, but only for the ones with really weird Japanese titles like: "Locked out house goo boobs with stepbrother love me," or some shit like that. It has not tempted me into a PMO and I have gotten out of there pretty fast.

Porn is not on my mind as much, although I still do some erotic art (Nothing hardcore, just nudes and pinup) but I have found ways of doing it without looking at pictures of real nude women.

I do have the occasional MO, but nowhere near as often as I used to, and I make it quick and make sure I do not do it directly after seeing anything particulalry exciting on TV or on my PC. I never wanted to do Hardmode, and this system is working for me.

Sex with the wife is at an all time high, and even she has been noticing the difference. She has been asking me if I have been reading books or something, I can't tell her that its really just because I am now fully engaged in sex with her and not surfing porn in my mind. It is by far the best it has ever been, which is pretty awesome considering we are 7 years and 2 kids in.

I completed a major milestone in my personal project, one that porn use has blocked for the last 20 or so years, so I a very pleased about that. I also had one of my best periods of work recently, largely in part to me not procrastinating over porn and getting the work I needed to get done, completed to the best of my ability. Some of my colleagues even noted the way I have stepped up.

It can be hard to remember why I am staying away from porn, but it is things like what I have mentioned above, that help me to stay focused and remain on track. I know that the dreams I still have cannot be reached with porn constantly taking the wheel. It is a long road still, and it can be discouraging that the improvements I see are often small and far apart, but I like where I am taking myself. A lot of the outside influences in my life are what I find discouraging, and seem determined to push me back into porn use, but my personal motivation remains positive.

Stay strong.

« Last Edit: October 04, 2018, 04:21:07 PM by Moth-head »

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #59 on: October 11, 2018, 02:57:22 PM »
Okay, have not been posting regularly because things have been going so well and I have not felt that I need it. But now I felt I need a little preemptive reminder of how far I have come to avoid an all-fall-down. I was cruising a download site a little while ago, looking for an old movie I wanted to see, and I saw a post for a newly released porn scene at the top of the download picks. It contains a porn star I am really attracted to doing a type of porn I was really into. I can't get it out of my head, it is really clawing at my mind right now. I very very nearly clicked on the download just to see some screen shots, because, hey, I can handle a few screen shots, can't I? But I know that if it gets me excited I might not be able to resist the download just to watch the scene, seeing I have been so good for nearly 8 months. That's how the Porn gets you. I did not check it out, but I can't stop thinking about it.

So, instead, I came back here and I am posting on my journal to remind myself that I do not want to go back down that road. I definitely do not want to go back to Day 0 again. It sucks that after such a long time just one little temptation can threaten to destroy everything, but I guess that is the nature of addiction, and why people find it so hard to ever be free of it.

I am accountable to myself, and now I am accountable to you all too. I won't backslide today.

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #60 on: October 12, 2018, 03:35:29 PM »
So, I got past that one. Feeling the urges a lot less today. Chalk up another victory over the porn demon. Every day counts. While I am not happy about the strong temptations I still feel to this day, I am pretty happy that I immediately knew what path to take to get myself away from that situation. I managed to get out of there fast and came straight here to write in my Blog, which I know made a huge difference in my early days of my reboot. It is a great fall back and a constant reminder of why I am doing this. It was also great to read a few other blogs and identify with fellow sufferes who are conquering their own demons. In addition to this I found it useful to go back and read my early posts. As I was going over them I was like, "Who was that guy?" and "Did I really feel that way?" So I can see I have experienced a lot of change. Thanks Blog, you saved me again.

imaquitter

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #61 on: October 20, 2018, 03:50:29 PM »
Thanks! So good to hear that you resisted the temptation. I have slipped, but i will get up again. Look forward to my 8 month mark!
First and last real reboot, august 29, 2018 (49 days, ended with 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 (hardmode)

Moth-head

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Re: The summer of a dormouse
« Reply #62 on: November 04, 2018, 03:03:18 PM »
Thanks,  imaquitter, I really hope you get there. It can be done!

8 Months (and a little bit more)

Happy to have negotiated some tricky waters and come through without a PMO. I have, as a result of my moonlighting work (soft-core erotic art), encountered some links to some pretty tempting pics and sites. I have turned away from some, and clicked on others my cheeky brain deems "Soft" (basic nudity, with nothing hardcore or explicit). I have told my brain this is a slippery slope, but he is sneaky. He is also a dick.

Anyway, the good news is, not PMO or even touching myself during these periods when I end up in the rough, so to speak. I have often out of there quickly enough. I have even turned away from some pretty big temptations.

I am otherwise in a good zone porn wise, and am not finding it a huge weight on my mind right now. I have my mind set on the year mark and I am determined not to slip now that I am well past the halfway point.

Sex with the wife is still really great, best it has ever been. No ED, no DE and I feel like I have a lot more control of my climax. The wife seems to be appreciating it more too. I am the same as most married men, in that there is never enough, but what we do have is good and I want to keep it this way.

I am not doing this in hardmode, so I do have the occasional MO, but no porn is involved. In fact, increasingly I find that it is thoughts, or fantasies about my wife that get me going, which is really cool. I do find I have far fewer of these though and I do not get a grumpy as I used to when I do not find regular opportunities to take matters into my own hands.