New member 40 +plus years a porn addict

I am so glad I have finally found a site like this one.

I am not at all proud of some of the things I am about to confess to doing, and reading some of your stories I can relate to much of what has been written. 

I turned 50 last year. I began masturbating at around age 11 when I became aware of the pleasant sensations emanating from my groin area. As a young boy I can vividly recall rubbing my body against the bedspread on my bed and becoming aroused by the sensations. I had no idea what was going on, but I did know it felt good.

At around 13 I saw a few girlie magazines the other kids at school had. One kid actually had a stack of them (Playboy and Penthouse) and began his own rent and swap business, and I became one of his customers sneaking the mag home and hiding it somewhere my parents wouldn't never find it (or so I thought). I can still vividly picture the images I saw way back then today almost 40 years on.

Around 14 I stumbled onto other magazines my Father had hidden in the garage. Ribald and Bawdy I think they were called, and I know that's when my life long addiction to porn really began.

I would do or say anything to escape going on family outings just so that I could have the house to myself for a few hours. As soon as the family was gone I would go to the garage and get the magazines and masturbate multiple times. Back then 3 or more times a day was not unusual if I had the privacy and time, and at least once every night in bed thinking about those images or watching something on the TV in my room. I recall watching the series about Caligula just for the nude scenes.

At 17 I met my first girlfriend and that lead to my first sexual encounter. Even back then I was aware that real sex was nowhere near as enjoyable as the masturbation and fantasy sex I was having alone in my head. I had no idea why that was back then even though my future wife and I were still enjoying a lot of regular sex together. But it was never enough for me on its own.

Most Friday nights were our night to go out. It was usually dinner and wine and always finished with us having sex in my car before dropping her home. Even then when I'd get back to my place I would masturbate again before going to sleep.

Even being at work didn't stop me masturbating. I did an apprenticeship in a mostly male dominated environment and there were always men's magazines in the toilets. Every time I'd go there I'd masturbate myself to a quickie and head back to work as if nothing had happened.

I travelled a lot for my work in my late 20's and 30's and stayed away overnight regularly. My porn addiction was so strong by then that each time I was away it included a stop at the newsagent to get some magazines and a jar of lube and I can't explain how strong the desire was to get to my hotel room and be alone. Those nights away I would be awake almost all night masturbating repeatedly, only to destroy the magazines on the way home. I repeated this behaviour over and over for years.

I even found a motel owner who rented x rated movies (under the counter). I would even make up false job reports just so that I could travel to that area so I could stay in that hotel. Sometimes I'd arrive at the motel t midday and check out the following morning not having slept a wink. I'd spend the entire night masturbating to those movies.   

To cut what will be a very long story short my wife and I were together for 28 years. We built a home, raised a family and ran a successful business together. Basically we had it all to everyone looking in from the outside, but my porn addiction was always there in the back ground, my mind was constantly soiled by the myriad of sordid images I'd exposed myself too, and it began getting in the way of our relationship more and more.

In my 30's I began to suffer from what I realised was porn induced ED. I knew I had to give it up and I tried so many times. I'd last a week, sometimes more but I was always pulled back by the addiction and that always ended with a binge, after which I hated myself.

After the invention of the internet it was happening more and more as my access to porn got easier. My addiction and PIED ultimately destroyed my relationship. the constant failure to perform left my wife feeling unattractive and resentful. I'd try to explain that its not her but me, but that never made it any easier.

Knowing how much it affected her emotionally meant I felt more and more pressure to perform each time we did try to make love, and that pressure always lead to failure. Soon we were going months without sex even though there was still lots of affection in our relationship.

Eventually I discovered she was having an affair and was making plans to leave me. I found a bunch of emails on her computer one day after she hadn't logged out from her account properly. The content of those emails told the truth about how much she hated me and how she felt about our sexless marriage, and reading her sexual descriptions of the things she was doing with him and looking forward to doing with him next time they would be together were a gut wrenching realisation of how devastating my addiction to porn had really become.

I am completely ashamed to say that it took me loosing everything to realise how big a problem my addiction really was.

We separated, had to sell my house and close the business. My life was turned upside down and so was the lives of my now teenage children, all because of my addiction. The children continued to live with me and my wife was clear that she was on a new path of sexual discovery and making up for the time she lost, and that despite loving the kids she didn't wish for the children to be part of her day to day life. Oddly enough I felt guilty for what I had put her through and the perverse nature of my addiction was that I began masturbating thinking about my wife being with her new lover as I slept alone in our marital bed.   

I became severely depressed and had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I can't express the sense f self loathing I had for my addiction and for myself. I had tried to leave my addiction so many times, but like any addict I'd always go back.

Fast forward 6 years I have remarried to a wonderful woman and my life is great. Except I'm still addicted to porn and it is relentless. I still have PIED and have progressed to using meds to help keep my erection. They only work once I am aroused though and I usually have to think about some porn scene I have watched to get that initial arousal happening. Ejaculation through normal sex takes me a long time to reach, but it is more pleasurable than when I masturbate. The one upside is I do last a very long time, but sometimes I just can't reach an orgasm.

My job operates from home so I have unrestricted access to porn anytime the rest of the family heads off to work.

I honestly don't know if after 40 years of watching porn I can ever beat this addiction? Since finding this site I have a better understanding of how badly I have damaged my brain and what will be required to stay on a path to healing.

I have read about the neurological pathways that get built inside our brains, and I imagine my pathways must be more like major concrete highways after all these years of abuse.

I love and adore my current wife and she has been understanding of my ED. Though I have sensed a change in her warmth towards me in the last 6 months. She almost never initiates sexual contact any more, though we still share a lot of day to day affection and have sexual relations at least once every week. Because my ED impacts on penetrative sex our sex life has essentially become the giving and receiving of oral sex to get us both to an O, as penetration is a challenge with ED.

I take responsibility for the mess I am in, and I don't blame anyone but myself for the heartache  I have caused myself though out my life. After finding this site however I am more optimistic than ever before that I might have found a way forward. I know that I have to change for everyone's sake. I know I am emotionally shut off deep inside. I know I don't feel the full range of human emotions that are possible. I know that I am desensitised to most sexual touch.

I am truthfully mortified and disgusted at the reality of myself as a man. The online friendships I encouraged and participated in, convincing myself they were "never really" cheating. The fact I have to stumble though awkward ED affected sex with my wife one night, but can then be rock hard masturbating 5 or 6 times the following day to porn? 

I am over all the secrecy and lies. I'm over trying to always hide behind a mask making sure my internet history is clear. Hiding files in amongst files.

The one positive I do feel is that I chose to delete every single porn file I had saved and closed all of my porn site accounts 4 days ago, and began to research help for porn addiction which has lead me to this page.

I'm sorry my intro has been this long. I wanted to be as honest as I can be for once. I would really like to hear from others who might have suffered from a long porn addiction and who have recovered successfully from it.                     

Well it seems you have come to the right place. . Reading your story sounds similar to my porn habits. It reminded me of the time about 30 years ago.  I  knew I was going to be alone at home for the day,so,I took a ten mile drive downtown to a porn book store and bought some big breast mag , went home tomJO. I also can say I JO many times at work!we always had some porn in our shop. When the Internet came about,I would stay late and JO before going home to my wife. My wife passed away and my porn use got worse. I am dating a lady now and although she is very sexual,my addiction has become worse, surely affecting my performance,I too tried Viagra. I have been clean for 22 days, had sex 4 times .and it seems to be helping. We can do it.

Thanks BJ.

Yes, I have come to the right place and I feel completely different about my reboot this time around. I feel much better informed than all the other times I decided I was going to go cold turkey and just give up watching porn.

If I'm honest my marriage broke down largely because of my PIED. The effect it had on my relationship with my wife over many years was devastating for her. I can't begin to express the sense of lose I felt when she left me to begin a new life with another man. I had essentially wanked away my entire life as I knew it. The disruption that caused everyone within my family and our extended families was definitely not worth the pleasure my porn addiction gave me in return.

It's pathetic I know!

When I began to date again my fear of ED ensured that the first opportunity for sexual contact with a new women I met was an utter disaster. That made me look to ED meds. I used Viagra with great success! The second women I had the chance to be intimate with it worked! We made love for hours but I couldn't reach a climax, and it left me walking around the hotel room with a erection all damn day. I talked to my doctor and he suggested Cialis which works more naturally.

I am still with that second woman today, and after nearly 6 years together my PIED is still a huge issue. Though she has been very understanding she doesn't know my condition is related to a life long porn addiction. I have considered telling her, but I honestly don't know how she would react? So I err on the side of caution. Which sounds ridiculous reading back considering how reckless I have been in the past.

In these early days of reboot my mind keeps flashing up images of porn and I am immediately thinking of something else when that happens. Usually I just think of being out on my boat in the sun as that diffuses the thought. I know from reading what others have experienced and contributed that the road ahead won't be easy after this many years of porn addiction. But I know in my heart and mind, this is my time to beat this. 

This is harder than I thought, but I haven't relapsed and I'm still as determined to hang in there and reach my first goal of 30 days free of porn.

I am noticing things that my brain does that I never even realised I do subconsciously. Yesterday while out shopping I realised how often when I see an attractive woman I have some sort of porn related sexual thought that then sends a jolt of sexual excitement in my groin, and I do that flexing thing (contracting my pc muscle) to feel that jolt of excitement thats been generated in my groin. But I am for the moment managing to over ride the thoughts, and I am at least aware of what my brain is doing.

This morning I am sitting in my bed alone with my laptop typing this post. My wife has just left for work, so this is usually my prime opportunity when I would normally be seeking out some porn to watch and act out. But I haven't done that, and I am determined not too. I am not delusional that this is not going to get harder as time goes by.

The longest I have ever been able to go porn free in the past was about 2 weeks, so I know there are harder days are ahead for me. But being here and being able to read the inspirational progress stories of others who have struggled and succeeded, feels to me like it will make a big difference to my opportunity to stay focused and on track to reach my first goal of 30 days porn and masturbation free.       

I came back on again today to read through some of the success stories. There is some inspirational reading with lots of great "how too succeed" advice.

Having read the journals and success stories of others I am realising how important these next few weeks and months will be for me. I realise knowing all that I have learned from the contributors here that if I allow myself to relapse again now, then its unlikely I'll ever truly be able to succeed. Because it is me that will have allowed that relapse.

This knowledge alone has strengthened my determination to stay strong and focused on what I truly want.   

Hang in there Rider, you can do this.

we all have the strength and the power to be successful.

Grats on 6 days. 

Hey rider.  Welcome to the fight.  The rewards are tremendous, but the fight is hard.  Here's something that helped me; maybe it will help you too: The porn is not an option mindset

Rider although it was NOTorn that destroyed  my 18 year marriage, I will say it was a symptom that something was seriously wrong from pretty much day one.

I'm late fifties and must have been masturbating for pretty much as long as you. Certainly true about the PIED. Never thought of it before the divorce but it's obvious that it comes from that surge that porn gets you! We've spent so long with the stuff it's hardly surprising we either go soft on the job, can not even raise a smile or just can not come when we do get it up! I think the failure to come certainly relates to the fact that a female vagina can not achieve the same tightness as the hand with which we have been choking our own chicken over all these years. The neural pathways must have been so programmed to us, it's like fir getting the dance when you are with a partner!

My present partner is fantastic and says she has no issues with PMO. However, I do and I can honestly say that staying away from the stuff is much better for me physically and psychologically. I too have had numerous suicidal thoughts and have felt worthless just like you describe.

Thanks for the replies and your support and encouragement.

Sender, that article was brilliant and I appreciate you pointing it out for me

The "Porn is not an option" mindset is exactly the mindset that we addicts each need to adopt and adhere too if we are to succeed in quitting porn.

And it is absolutely true what The Underdog wrote in his post  about those with the Porn is not an option mindset, 

They do not spend their day fighting urges.

They are not "trying hard".

Urges are dismissed almost instantly".


I am a little surprised to be honest that I have not had to struggle against any "urges" to watch porn since beginning this reboot. I know that I have made my mind up this time, and I am far better informed than at any other time when I've just told myself "I'm just going to quit".

The only part that challenges me is the sheer number of "triggers" that I am becoming aware of that initiate a sexual response from my brain that I come across on any given day.

In a post yesterday I mentioned how I was becoming aware of how my brain keeps triggering sexual responses all the time, and that even just seeing an attractive women in the supermarket would trigger some sort of porn related image in my mind, and that is the part that I'm finding more of a challenge for me personally. 

Just this morning I was looking at photo's in a friends album on Facebook when I came across a photo of an attractive woman sitting on a motorcycle wearing jeans and a tank top. I could see a bit of her cleavage but there was no nudity and no suggestive expression on her face that would indicate that the image as taken for the purpose of being "erotic".

But that image still triggered a sexual response in my brain and I automatically went to touch myself. But I stopped almost immediately (within seconds) when I realised what my brain was actually doing.

As I become more and more aware of the sheer number of triggers that are out there, I am beginning to realise how often this pattern repeats in my brain each day even without porn.

And that makes me want to ask this question?

Is this just a normal response for the male brain to dissect and identify things as sexual and non sexual, and use the sexual ones as triggers for a normal male sexual urges? Or, is my brain rampantly roaming desperately looking for anything even remotely sexual because I am starving it of it's usual supply of porn?

   

I think it's a matter of degree.  We are mammals, so we're wired to find the opportunity for sex to be highly rewarding; so yes, we're made that way to a certain extent.  However, it's the ultra-high level of stimulation offered by today's internet porn that causes us to be sexually focused to a pathological degree in that we mistake all kinds of normal, everyday things as sexual invitations of a sort.

So no, it's not "normal" to hypersexualize every cue we encounter.  We weren't born that way; that happened through years of using porn to train our brains to prioritize those signals above anything else.  This is a recent phenomenon (in terms of degree) caused by the super-sized dose of intensity and variety of porn available today that wasn't a decade ago.  Check out the videos on yourbrainonporn.com - they explain all this brilliantly.  Watch all 6 videos; you'll learn a lot.

Unfortunately, I believe that those pathways are burned into our brains forever.  But my experience has been that once I have fully rebooted (which takes me about 90 days), those circuits calm down and recede to the point where I'm able to be in the world like a normal guy; to see attractive women without picturing them in a porn scene, etc.  That hair-trigger response does improve with time.  It doesn't completely go away 100%, but it recedes to the point where I rarely notice it anymore. 

Also, while not specifically related to this thread, here's another great video to help inspire you when you're feeling weak, if you haven't already seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

Hi Sender,

I watched that video link and it is very good. I will watch the 6 other video's tomorrow.

I appreciate your insight in relation to the question I asked. What's normal or abnormal when it comes to the sexualisation of things would be measured by the degree.

I understand that the way my brain appears to be hyper sexualizing the things I see around me and then turns those things into triggers, is a bi product of the years of porn abuse I put my brain through  :-[

Today it seems I am to be tested, as I'm having a lot of triggers (mostly thoughts coming up), though I haven't felt a desire to seek out or watch porn. So that's a plus. 

I am trying my best to look upon my progress in a practical sense. I am not hoping for, nor expecting any significant change to occur in the way my brain operates in the near future. So I expect that the old patterns that trigger all these porn thoughts will keep coming at me for weeks, months or even years to come.

Another thing I'd be interested to hear more about from those who have walked this path successfully is, how long after quitting porn was it before you began to see an improvement in your ED? I am really looking forward to the time when that becomes an issue of the past   

 

The ED symptoms will definitely improve with time; how much time depends on a lot of things.  For me it took about 3 weeks, which I thought was amazing.  I had read about a lot of guys who flatlined for months.  I think it's the younger guys that take the longest because they had access to high-speed internet porn while their brains were still wiring for sex. 

Wow .... only three weeks. That would be a great achievement. I hope that I might be fortunate enough to see the same.

I am now reaching that point in my reboot where my ability to resist the urge to PMO would get too strong and I'd give in to it. That's not happening this time. I'm getting a lot of thought triggers and I'm just accepting them for what they are and not acting on them.

So I am feeling pleased with myself at the moment and I feel confident that I will be able to walk the path needed to beat the addiction.

I want to say this website has made all the difference to me. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in doing this, and that there are other men facing the same challenge. The information that you have all bravely shared is what I feel has made the difference for me.

I am determined to not let myself or my wife down by allowing a relapse to occur. I know there is a better life awaiting me once I have truly beaten my addiction. 

Just an update, I am now 13 days PMO free and I am doing it surprisingly easily 
The triggers I was experiencing have subsided a lot in these last few days and I am feeling good about my progress thus far.

Two nights ago I was able to have a passionate session with my wife. My ED was still a challenge at first, but it had been almost a week since the last time we had made love, so I was already feeling hornier than usual. I did have a few problems early when my mind began to think about "is it going to stay up or go down", but by refocusing my thoughts on the smaller sensations such as the touch of my wife's skin I was able to get past that stage and after that we managed to enjoy things through to our climaxes.

Also, I was sent a pm by another member that has given me a lot to think about in respect to the way I thought about many things, including the intimacy aspects of my relationship, and this information has really helped me, so I'd like to share it on.

This is part of the private email I was sent, 

""So here's what I've got; it's a lot to take in, so take your time with it, savor it, really take it in.  You've got an opportunity to transform your new marriage like I have with mine.

1. The six initiatives - http://www.maleinitiative.com/six-initiatives/six-initiatives

This is a short book in a a free online format.  My wife claims that reading this together was one of the biggest influences in our big turnaround.  It was a revelation for me personally.  There is nothing in it about porn addiction / recovery; it's strictly about male/female sexual relationships and how to approach them in a healthy way.  The content is unique and distinctly not self-helpy.

2. Cupid's Poisoned Arrow - written by Marnia Robinson who runs the site
http://www.reuniting.info/content/lovers-ultimate-sex-hack-karezza

It, and the site, are about Karezza, which is essentially the practice of non-orgasmic sex.  The site has much information in an easy-to-digest format, and lots of personal accounts.  It's the "skip the orgasm" part that most people find hard to accept.  I found it very difficult at first too.  But I was looking for a solution to how to reboot successfully, recover my mojo, while not avoiding my wife sexually.  Karezza was the answer to that, but has turned out to be sooo much more; we've been practicing this for about a year, and it's absolutely the best way to have sex (and it takes the pressure off you too!).""


 
The link below is one I found really useful about non sexual bonding. Stupidly simple stuff when you think about it. I have tried just a few of the suggestions and it has made a difference. Just the simple act of brushing and stroking my wife's hair each night for about 15 minutes and giving her a shoulder massage really does make us feel closer as a couple. 

http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Bonding.Behaviors.pdf

I now feel to be successful in beating an addiction to porn involves us focusing our mind and energies elsewhere and applying the mindset of "Porn is not an option" that was shared with me earlier in this thread.

I am surprised how things have turned around for me in a very short space of time. I also realise I am only 13 days into my reboot, so it's still early days. But what I am really surprised about is that I feel really calm. I'm not climbing the walls in frustration and I'm not struggling against any urges like I used to in the past when I would try to give up watching porn and getting off.

I do believe the difference is this time I am so much better educated and having something to positive to refocus on is what is making the difference, at least for me.   

Day 15 now with no PMO and no MO and best of all I've had no real desire to even look at porn  I am really happy about that part because in the past when I've tried to quit I'd be climbing the walls by now, and I'm fairly sure that 15 days is longer than I have ever been able to give it up for before, and I have tried so many times.

I am still getting the occasional thoughts, and sometimes I stumble onto trigger images here and there, but there's been nothing that has created a strong urge and I'm not having to struggle.

My relationship with Mrs Rider is going along nicely. I have been feeling a bit torn trying to work out whether it would be better to confide in her and confess my addiction, or just keep walking the path as I am now and enjoy sharing the improvements that I can already see happening in our relationship now that I have made the decision that porn is not an option. 

For now I have am erring on the side of caution, and I have chosen NOT to confide in Mrs Rider about my addiction. Part of me thinks I should tell her, actually, part of me really wants to tell her, but the part of me that wants to tell her wants to do so for what I feel are selfish reasons in the hope it might lesson my own feelings of guilt and shame.

I know it will only cause her pain if I do tell her, and there's always a chance that it could all go very pear shaped and put our entire relationship in jeopardy if she doesn't react as supportively as some of the other members wives have done?

The other reason I have chosen to not share my secret is that my addiction long pre-dates my relationship with Mrs Rider. My addiction has been 40 + years and I have only been with Mrs Rider for the last 5 years. While I have struggled with PIED with Mrs Rider it hasn't been as devastating a problem as it was with my first marriage. There were a few other issues troubling that relationship, but I won't deny that my habitual porn use was a significantly reason that ultimately led to the breakdown of that marriage.   

The thing is right now Mrs Rider and I are in a pretty good place, and I feel we have this fabulous opportunity to make things even better than they are. I'm not sure it's worth risking that opportunity by having full disclosure about my addiction so maybe I might feel a little better about myself, but knowing it will make Mrs Rider feel really sad?

I think for now I should just continue to accept responsibility for my past indiscretions and ensure that Mrs Rider feels loved, desired, protected and respected going forward.       

I'm happy with my progress thus far and I am determined to keep staying strong. I wish all of you strength, success and a peaceful mind.

Rider   

Rider,
Thanks for all of the posts.  I've been reading them and really find a lot of connections with my own journey.  I also travel a lot for work and have had those days where I'd check into the hotel and then essentially immerse myself in PMO for hours on end, not sleeping, not exploring the area I was visiting, etc. I'd come home exhausted physically and mentally from the binge on PMO.  I'm early in my journey to end this addiction but I'm hopeful in reading your posts that I'll be able to take it day by day, in spite of the LONG and intense addiction I've had. 

Keeping that mindset of "porn is not an option"!

Good luck and thanks again for posting.

Just an update on a revelation I had today. The following is part of a private message I sent to another member today. It might be useful to some who are struggling and maybe started their reboot from a different stage of their addiction to where I was at when I began my reboot? 

While I am very pleased with my success, on quiet reflection, I think part of my success can be attributed to the fact that I had reached a stage where I knew it was time to quit for good.

The porn had begun to become boring and I was searching more and more (4hrs per day on average) trying to find something that would give me that "kick", but all I was finding was more of the same repetitive industry type porn.

My porn habit focused on amateur real life sex and frankly there wasn't much new stuff left to see after 40 years ... lol.  So maybe part of my success might simply be that I was already "porned out" before I discovered YBOP and Reboot Nation, who knows?

I am however happy that things have progressed as well as they have for me, and without much of a struggle (at least no where near as bad I was imagining it would be). But I absolutely believe that is due mostly to having the "porn is not an option" mindset.

Hi Myformerself,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you have found my journal helpful. There is so much to learn and so much fabulous support and advice here in Reboot Nation.

Congratulations deciding to quit and beginning your reboot. Read lots, stay strong, be prepared for the temptations that will inevitably come and you will be fine.

If I can do this as easily as I am after 40 plus years of porn addiction .... you can too!

Life can be so much better for you when you stick with it and take control of your life back from the porn beast!!! 

Hi Rider. I am at day 54 and was really interested in your posts. I am just like you, almost identical. My first marriage fell over mostly from lack of affection and a shit sex life, all my fault. The second has suffered from it to although it is alot better now. All from being addicted to porn. I was searching for porn for hours. It got to the stage where not much would make me hard anymore. But it didnt stop me looking. It was so depressing. I would be at home before starting work in the afternoon, searching for god knows what. I would jerk off, feel like shit and go to work depressed. It got to the stage where I would dread the wife wanting sex and if we did have it, i would be so petrified of ED i would have 'performance anxiety', had difficulty coming and wife would jerk me off. She never once complained or asked why, i am so blessed to have her still with me. I still see pretty girls and have thoughts but shut them down quickly. As if they would be interested in me anyway!!! I can tell you mate that since i have been away from  porn, my erections are hard, often and i am not scared of having sex with wife. I know i can perform, i know i will get hard and i know the orgasm will be amazing, much better than any shit i see online ....

Hey there little,

Yes I can relate to all that you have said. There was a heck of a lot of wasted time with this addiction. I'm not having any real struggle at all staying away from the porn. I'm still getting a few triggers but not many.

My ED is now all in my head (some residual performance anxiety), and I know there's nothing physically stopping me from performing. My morning wood is good and hard, so at least everything is working as it should. I expect it will take a while to really break the old negative thought patterns that seem to go hand in hand with having ED, but I'm confident I can do that too.. 

I also agree with you on the quality of the orgasms. I think most men will know and agree that the longer apart they are the more intense they feel. Couple that with a more intimate relationship and it's even more satisfying again.