Author Topic: My path to real life  (Read 4804 times)

Free-man

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My path to real life
« on: February 14, 2018, 08:24:32 AM »
Hi everyone.

First of all I want to excuse me if something I write here is wrong because my native language is not english.

I’m 43 right now and I’m addicted to porn. I think the moment to escape from this horrible addiction has arrived. In fact I’m in Day #12 without PMO. The fact the reason that I have made this decision is that I think porn has ruined my life in all aspects and I want to redirect my life.

I think THIS problem started in puberty when I fantasized with girls of my school, nothing sexual but I wanted to stay with them together as a couple, you know. At 13 I had a poster of Sammy Fox in my bedroom, she was dressed but she attracts me a Lot for her pretty face. No PMO or MO. I think that was the trigger that made click in my mind.

Then i was started to have more curiosity and sometimes with friends or colleges we saw porn magazines of that time, very soft stuff. That curiosity started to be bigger so I knew where to buy or even stole that magazines (kiosks). PMO and MO begun. The addiction begun as well a bit of isolation. The first year in highschool I suffered bullying and that depressed me a lot. With that issue in mind everyday and a lack of concentration my escape was MO or PMO when I was alone at home. Since then I repeated course and go to other schools when I acomplished to finnish my studies. The magazines and some VHS at that time when you can rent from videoclubs was my addiction. 

No relastionship with girls. I had a few friends til then. At 23 could view pictures in your computer thanks to cds and some friend made me a copy with thousands of pictures. I was still buying some p magazines and even some others like photography magazines where the girl of the cover triguered in my mind even stronger that some p magazines. Just for the pretty face. I don’t know.  A few years ago arrived Internet and with a poor band then I could be whole nights without sleep watching pics and pics and searching through categories. When I started to work the addiction, loneliness, depression, social anxiety walked with me. I visited a couple of psychiatrists and psycologists but with the years the thing wasn’t better. Pills and some theraphy but with no results to quit my anxiety and depression. Insecurities and fears in life get bigger .

With High speed broadband internet and the porn Industry  spreading more than before including videos, paysites and forums with download links with videos in HD, cam sites… You can imagine what a blast supposed to me. Years and years porn has been my damnation. Like result of 30 years of addiction I develop PIED. I remember where sometimes my penis was erected but in that state I couldn’t cum. I had to wait a couple of minutes to masturbate again in flacid state.

I Felt that I had to finish with this lifestyle where I’m still living with my parents, I feel lonely, I have no job, no girlfriend, no goals in life…and where I can see that the few friends have their own life with wifes and children with safe jobs, happinees in their faces and where I have stayed far away from that.  They have prospered in life, it's not my case.

With 43 I’m feeling like a looser. I think I’m living in a 20 years old mind. Insecurities, fears… I have a lot of issues in my mind to resolve, and I think that in part is due to P and PMO. But I'm ready to fight with it.

In my DAY #12 with no PMO, I installed K9 in my computer.  I’m fighting a Little bit with the withdrawal . I have anxiety and digestive problems, my teeths hurts sometimes, shaking chills, and the mood changes.

Well I think is all by the moment. I think writing here on my journal will help me with reboot. You can write comments and feeling too. I think we can support each other.

Thank you for your attention
Cheers.

TakeActionNow

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 10:50:59 AM »
Free,
Good that you are here.
I won't mince words. Pmo is not the concern or issue here.
The real concern is why you fell into addiction.

Address that and no addiction will haunt you anymore.

Pmo like anything else is basically a habit and an interest.
To break it is not about abstinence. It is replacement.

Read
Write
Run
Go for classes

Find the replacement high through new goals and achievement.
Then you will be free.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2018, 11:15:58 AM »
Day #13

Thanks for your comment TakeActionNow and your advise. You're very kind.

Yeah I'm trying to replace the bad habits for good ones, like read (in my case, I have a lack of concentration and usually I have to re read a the same paragraph 3 or 4 times to understand what it means), searching for cooking new healthier Foods, get out more often and walk instead sit in front of the computer. Trying to do new things helthier and don't to give time to bad habits, you know. But I guess I have to do the abstinente to fight with the porn-demon or substitutes.

I think substitutes like watch girls in swimsuit or bikini do the same damage triggering in my mind. I have forbidden all of that with K9 protector. And I think that thoughts come back when I Will see girls this summer out there. In addition, I like photography, Drawing and graphic design so It's going to be very difficult to have abstinence to see seminaked bodies or anatomy in drawings…Just a smile and a Beautiful face triggering into my mind. The dopamine in my case also going crazy with that stuff. I don't PMO with that stuff but it has a great power on me.

Well…I go with my feeling last Day and night. I think the withdrawal let me alone when I Took a pill to sleep, but it doesn't work, I didn't sleep in the whole night. Urges and thoughts emerged but I won finally. Proud of me, it was difficult to fight with temptation.

#13th is a bad number but I'm sure I'm going to win.

Go for 14th!

Thanks

TakeActionNow

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2018, 07:20:54 PM »
Free,

the good news is, your symptoms are consistent.
I have them too.

The better news is, you can and will get better.

The first step you need to do is to find something you can be good at.
Anything.
Ideally it is your job.
This is very important because being good at something is the foundation of self esteem, confidence and freedom.

Concurrently, find and pursue a challenge.
For me, it is long distance running and reading/finishing a book every week.
This again builds immense self esteem and confidence.
This also builds grit, determination and resilience.
Not only that, you are improving yourself. And self improvement builds independence.

Know that addiction is not just one of desire.
It is really about external dependence.

To recover is to move from external dependence to internal dependence.

That is achieved by feeling good about oneself, doing difficult things, taking risks, feeling alive, feeling special.

These, only we can give ourselves.

So stop thinking.
Do
Only doing matters
Do as much as you can
Do things outside of your personal life
Help others unreservingly
Discard all your old dependencies.
Get better
Build strength

This is the true way to freedom.


One more thing:
you not feeling good about yourself is the inherent reason you are seeking external affirmation.
therefore the simple opposite will cure you:
love yourself deeply
be the kindest, nicest person to yourself
but you are also your own guardian. so do push yourself to greater heights

remember these words and say them often:
i am the best
i am the best
i am the best
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 08:19:32 PM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

seneca

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2018, 12:53:48 AM »
Free man, it will get better.  100% sure of that.  Just stay clean.  Stay away from porn subs especially.   You’re doing it right.  Keep coming here and we’ll make this walk together.  Get to 90.

joepanic

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2018, 10:54:17 AM »
Free Man    our stories are very similar   only I am 3 years older than you  I am now on day 56  I went through some real ups and downs but did not  view porn once   Now I find it much easier  to go though my day  I have even lost 10 lbs since Jan 1   I really find reading the stories of other here helps a great deal  I helps keep your mind busy   it helps you learn how others are winning the fight   Never be afraid to ask for advice  and for someone to listen   lots of guys here willing to help out

            Cheers and fight the good fight

                     Post often it helps me it helps you

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2018, 01:48:06 PM »
Day #14

Thank you very much for you nice and Wise words TakeActionNow.

About the job I'm trying to focus in that. It's a very important part to solve to progress in life and to find it it would be the first step to be totally independent too.

I'm going to start to walk tomorrow and I hope in 1 or 2 months start to run, do exercises and take rides in bicycle too. To get fit, I think that can help me in my self steem
 and confidence. I'm eating more helthier and I was cooking a new food today. I Felt great and proud to achieved. It's a relaxing thing and sometimes Forget problems and help to stay away from the computer.

Very deep words to think about it. Today I am the best, thank and cheers for that TakeActionNow. I'm felt great when I read those words. Embrace them, of course.

Thanks Seneca. I have the feeling that the subs could start everything on me. So I'm trying to stay away from them . Thanks for remind me that. It's a very difficult thing.

Joepanic. hey man, we're together on this, We have to active our first goal. the 90 days. and in the process trough the Journey Forget thoughts, stay away from tentations… 54 days is more than the Half of the way. Congrats man. Yeah there are a lot of nice guys with good reads. They have a lot of info and knows how to overcome with this shit. Everyday I read excellents advises and articles here.

Cheers everyone.
I think all is going well. there wasn't downs. Go ahead for Day #15. No surrender with this shit!

Thanks guys!

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 05:24:41 PM »
Day #15

Saturday and some dirty thoughts came to my mind, but all is ok. Strong by the moment.

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 01:45:48 PM »
Day #16

I slept badly last night and I woke up early and thoughts came again. Maybe because all the mornings I usually practiced that bad habit. And I have to be stronger than yesterday. But what a Hell…I have managed to overcome two weeks. Go for the next goal… 21 days. Change or replace habits is more complicated than I thought. Sometimes you only want to sleep or doing anything. It's dangerous.

Inner_Light

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2018, 03:12:12 PM »
You're going great.  Just remember you get stronger -- and the urges have less hold over you -- every time you resist.  The fact that you've been able to avoid in situations of high temptation (mornings when alone) proves that you're making great progress.  Thanks for sharing your journey here.
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." -James Stockdale.

seneca

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2018, 10:24:14 AM »
Free, I have found that idle time for me is a very bad neighborhood.  Filling my day with positive and healthy activities seems to work fo me.  Sometimes I will schedule my entire day to the quarter hour! Might seem extreme, but at times that is what I need. Good luck.

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 03:15:01 PM »
Day #17

Thanks for support and advice Seneca & Inner . Trying to be positive even in depressive and boring days like today. I try to schedule my days too. Sometimes it's difficult even to do the first step.

Last night I had wet dreams, never happened to me since kid. With porn never had these kind of dreams. I even woke up and I felt hard. Urges came to me quickly but I didn't want to fap. I resisted. I'm still clean, but the demon proved me.

I have little goals in this process. The next is 20 days. Go for it.


Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2018, 05:31:10 PM »
Day #18

Wet dream again last night, but all is ok. I have to set up the K9 Blocker again, because I've seen some swims and soft lencerie models in ads and google. They appears in everything. Provocative girls in fashion magazines... all of that definetly trigger me. It's going to be a difficult process. Morning full of urges but i had to focus in study for 1 hour... I couldn't study due to my lack of concentration so I went to Cook. I also have thoughts.

I've seen a video in youtube about nofap. It was an animation full of drawings and commented. It says that years and years of porn damaged the brain but 90 days of nofap will fix it. I think it helps but no fix it completly. We have to replace the bad habits for good ones.

Go for my mini-goal: 20 days. Go for it.

TakeActionNow

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2018, 07:25:46 PM »
Free,

1.
I urge you to read as much as you can.

Reading does many things:
1. give your knowledge
2. develops patience
3. develops focus
4. calms the mind
5. fills your world with ideas and thoughts and imagination
6. is a goal setter and delivers accomplishment

For example have these goals :
0. finish 100 books a year
1. finish 1 book every 2 weeks
2. finish 2 chapters every day
3. write a short summery on a blog
>  these are actually all goal setting and accomplishment achieving.

In the process, you develop more interest, more focus, more knowledge and more self confidence.

This is the best gift for yourself


2.
Stop writing about PMO, your dick or any other items associated with this addiction.
Writing about them does absolutely no help to you.
It just reminds and reinforces the nastiness of this addiction.

Write ONLY things that help you, make you feel good, make you feel strong, and is beneficial to other readers.

You are on the path to recovery, not reminiscence.
Your eyes are looking forward, not back, not down on the path. ONLY FORWARD.
So write only what you see in front of you. The Glorious Success.
That should be all that matters to you.

3.
Listen to this
http://mentorbox.libsyn.com/10-mo-gawdat-solve-for-happy
Change your thinking

Good luck my friend !
« Last Edit: February 20, 2018, 07:31:08 PM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2018, 05:26:00 PM »
Day #19

Thank you very much TakeActionNow!  wise advices.
I will try to Finnish 1 book every 2 weeks. That's fine and I think I can do it.

I will be more positive of course. I will not talk about pmo here.

Thanks man for advices and links.
Cheers!

Red Bear

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2018, 11:26:00 PM »
Man, we are over 40, it gets better earlier for us than for younger people. I felt my libido was back in 24th day of no pmo. Just stay clean of porno, live healthy life, and you will be healed.

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2018, 02:47:48 AM »
Day #20

Thanks Red. 20 days clean and I want more. Positive thinking.
Thinking about goals and interests. If we think in other things and stay busy. That bad habit will disapear.

I just Want to change for better. Go ahead my next goal is March 3rd. (it would be 30 days)

Have a nice day everyone.

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #17 on: February 26, 2018, 06:04:36 AM »
Day #25

Come back here after a down period. Zero motivation to anything. My sense of humour has changed these days.

I have been reading excellent posts here today. I answered a lot of them. I feel better.

I Have to read a lot about many things that affects me and that consider it would be helpful to change habits and deal with problems that arise everyday.
 
The starting Point is to love myself , be needless and dependent person.
Self steem would give me the enough willpower to do the rest.

All this time focus in pmo I have developed fears, phobias, lack of many things…interests, goals and now I have to know how to deal with that.
I want to manage my life to achive good habits and recoger the lost time.
I need to have a purpose and a meaning to my life.




Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #18 on: February 28, 2018, 03:53:37 PM »
Day #27

Thoughts and urges comes to me often these days, but I have to be stronger than ever to overcome this. I'm Reading some things about goals and realce habits. Withdrawal is everything but a clear mind too. Go ahead with my next deadline: day #30.

I hope we can tame dopamine forever!
Cheers!

5Dawgs

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #19 on: February 28, 2018, 06:12:14 PM »
This is a very inspiring journal. Thanks for sharing.
5Dawgs

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #20 on: March 01, 2018, 02:32:41 PM »
Day #28

Thank you 5Dawgs.
I'm fighting with this like everyone here. You're welcome. You can comment when you want.


Bad weather, bad state of mind.
I want to find the path in this jungle of thoughts…always looking for the future and i just to live present and it requires action and move…but sometimes I'm unable to move a muscle and do something…wether negative thinking or boredom…after comes depression…I need to clean my mind and view what I want to do in life and how to live it. Once someone said me I was thought too much. She was right.

I guess I have to make a plan, a life plan for the rest of my life and start from zero.

I need to find goals to achive this month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and 5 years from here.

Reading about that and trying to dig in my mind to see the light.

God bless all of you who are fighting with this shit that ruined our lives! Let's achieve it!


seneca

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2018, 01:04:53 AM »
If you don’t make a plan with clear goals, you’ll end up working the plans do others.

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #22 on: March 04, 2018, 05:14:30 PM »
Day #30

Yeah Seneca you're absolutely right.

30 days since I begun quitting this. It's a long road and I have to learn trough the process.
Next deadline: 40 days.


5Dawgs

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #23 on: March 04, 2018, 11:07:45 PM »
Congrats on hitting a month!  I'm still very new here, and I've read some posts from guys who have celebrated some 3-digit number of days, but to me 30 days seems like a mountain to climb.  I don't think I've made it 30 days since my addiction really took hold 25+ years ago.  Over 100 might as well be the moon.  You should be proud.  Thanks for sharing!
5Dawgs

Free-man

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Re: My path to real life
« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2018, 03:55:55 AM »
Day #32

Thanks 5Dawgs. Yeah it's a very hard Mountain to climb but we have to go step by step and don't looking back because we can fall. ;)

I read yesterday that it needs 66 days to change a habit. 90 is still my deadline. I want to change this bad habit and others