Author Topic: Back On The Wagon: 2  (Read 5270 times)

Georgos

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #150 on: May 07, 2018, 03:54:59 PM »
PE30 what is your opinion of verbal sedatives; it raises the age of virginity and life expectancy in different conditions or it provides comfort and harmony between individuals; would you rather leave this site?

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #151 on: May 07, 2018, 04:30:08 PM »
What are you talking about?
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #152 on: May 08, 2018, 01:54:47 AM »
Day 95

Back to work today. Took some time to get to sleep last night as my mind was whirring with various thoughts. The sun comes up quite early at this time of year and so I can struggle to sleep. Also, we tend to have our window open at night which means that the birds tend to start tweeting away at about 4.30am. Nevertheless, I got back to sleep after waking up too early, and I'm on my way to work.

Despite the tiredness I'm feeling relatively positive. Still clean, still fighting.
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Georgos

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #153 on: May 08, 2018, 04:42:43 AM »
PE, how does intuition differ from guess work, that's all I'm asking in relation to language, for example, most of the time I hear the birds talk in English, only rarely do they talk in their own language after a long hiatus, do they choose to do this, for what purpose, there is a masterpiece by the Persian Farid ud-Din Attar called The Conference of the Birds or Speech of the Birds, I'd love to know what they say to you x

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #154 on: May 09, 2018, 10:43:35 AM »
Georgos, I've never heard birds talk in any other language than bird language! Sorry.

Day 96

Things are pretty stable here. I have got quite a lot on my plate at the moment and it's been a bit tricky to juggle everything. Nevertheless, I'm beginning to sleep a bit better - I was hard at work last night and I drifted off at about 11pm, not waking up until 6.20am.

I keep thinking about putting my story on the "successes" page, but I keep feeling like I haven't achieved enough of a streak. 96 days is over three months, but then it pales into insignificance compared with the length of time wasted on chat rooms and watching porn.

Still, I'm doing this, one day at a time.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #155 on: May 10, 2018, 01:37:28 AM »
Day 97

I'm writing this early as I'm working from home today. It's been a few weeks since I've been able to do so, and I've been doing my usual thing of trying to set my mind straight at the start of the day. I have put on some Christian worship music and am praying for the strength for the day. I love the beauty of God's grace. We're like the adulterous woman who is about to be stoned to death. Jesus says "neither do I condemn you. Now go, and sin now more." He releases us, freely, from the grip of addiction, and gives us the strength to be addicted no longer.


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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #156 on: May 11, 2018, 06:56:15 AM »
Day 98

Yesterday was moderately tricky - I was feeling quite turned on for quite a lot of the day. But I feel like I've developed quite a lot of resilience over the last three months, and so I was able to dig deep into my reserves to get through the day. I concentrated on work; I also played guitar when I needed a break from my laptop.

Had a really nice evening with my wife - had sex, chilled out together, was lovely. And I know that we wouldn't have had such a nice evening if I'd failed- I would have had to make some excuse as to why I didn't feel up for sex.

Two days til 100 :)
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #157 on: May 12, 2018, 02:45:02 AM »
Day 99

All is good here. Went out for dinner and drinks with my wife last night which was lovely. Now up and about. Going to visit an old castle (11th century) today and then go for a short walk, should be nice.

I've been having some quite highly-charged dreams over the past couple of nights. I feel like these are being thrown my way to tempt me.

I just have to take this one day at a time. It seems to be working- that's how I've managed the last 99.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #158 on: May 13, 2018, 11:52:40 AM »
Day 100

100 days clean! This is by no means the end of the battle but I'm pleased to have got this far. 100 days: no porn, no porn subs, no MO, a fair few temptations along the way but I have been able to keep these under control.

I might post on the success stories bit :) thanks for all your support; keep going, everyone.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #159 on: May 14, 2018, 09:59:05 AM »
Day 101

Things are okay here - work has been busy and as such there has been no real temptation to slip.

I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I definitely find it easier talking to women when I'm in reboot. I feel like I can just be a regular guy, be friendly, witty, not be a creep, enjoy a friendship without wanting to take it too far. I don't think I realised how much of a contribution porn made to my general social awkwardness. I feel like a different person now, compared with times when I've been in relapse (or those many years where I fought a losing battle).

Also, I realised that, if I stay clean until the beginning of June, and add my reboots up, I will have been clean for the majority of the last twelve months:
- 80 days from the beginning of June 2017
- 30 days from mid-September (can't remember exact date)
- 30 days from c. end of October (ditto)
- 120 days from the beginning of February
So that's c. 260 days clean.

But I can only do this one day at a time, so I shall resolve to stay clean today and then take tomorrow as a new battle.
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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #160 on: May 15, 2018, 06:41:39 AM »
Day 102

Keeping it quick today as I need to get back to work. Still clean :)
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aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #161 on: May 15, 2018, 10:37:49 AM »
Just wanted to pop in and say awesome job! 100+ days is fantastic. Keep it up! Also I wanted to ask how your wife is doing? Have you noticed improvement in your relationship? How is she handling everything as well? It's always good to reflect on all the layers this impacts in your life. Appreciate the progress on all fronts it give you even more motivation to continue! Keep up the good work!

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #162 on: May 15, 2018, 01:14:28 PM »
Hey - thanks for asking. Yes, I've definitely noticed a change in her. She is calmer, happier, we are getting on really well - as well as I can remember, really. We have a lot of fun together, have better sex (more often and better quality!)... I feel like I'm a better dad.

She has moments of doubt and fear, I think. But she's an open book in that respect. I feel like I am being as good a husband as I could be to her.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #163 on: May 16, 2018, 08:22:48 AM »
Day 103

Things are going well this end. I've got an interview this Friday for a promotion at work - so, quite a lot of my effort and thought is going into that side of things. I'm generally happy and well. I'm working from home tomorrow so I need to knuckle down and get plenty done.

One day at a time!
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #164 on: May 17, 2018, 02:46:13 AM »
Day 104

Started my working from home day as usual: two cups of tea and plenty of Hillsong music. I've got this interview tomorrow so I'm doing a lot of thinking, preparing and praying in advance. And then this weekend I'm going down to my Dad's for a couple of nights with the family, so I probably won't be able to post much. We'll see.

Today's target: get through today. Win the daily battle. Same as tomorrow, same as yesterday.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #165 on: May 18, 2018, 10:17:47 AM »
Day 105

I got the job!!! Cannot believe it. So pleased :)

Off to the sunny south coast for the weekend. Will try to pop on here tomorrow but we'll see. Don't panic if I'm not on here.
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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #166 on: May 20, 2018, 03:31:45 AM »
Day 107

Weekend has been pretty decent. Weather has been sunny and the family have been happy. Haven't been sleeping amazingly but I think that's inevitable as I have a lot on my mind at the moment (in a good way).

Temptations have been pretty fleeting.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #167 on: May 21, 2018, 10:51:03 AM »
Day 108. Busy day at work today- was helping out with a house clearance and therefore spent most of the day lugging furniture!

Going to go home and have a glass of wine or something. Think I deserve it. No major temptations today.
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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #168 on: May 22, 2018, 03:44:42 PM »
Day 109

I spent a while this evening going through my journal and summarising my progress for the sake of someone who was asking me. It's amazing to see how things have progressed. I think I'd forgotten a couple of things:

- how hard those first few weeks were;
- how heavily I have relied on God during my reboot. (It's easy for me to get complacent and think 'I can do this myself' but that's ridiculous).

I had the house to myself tonight. You know what that would have meant pre-reboot... Tonight it meant that I watched some innocuous TV, ate some toast, played guitar and listened to music. My wife is downstairs and I will be able to look her in the eye properly when she comes up.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this one day at a time and certainly no quicker!
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Andy9120

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #169 on: May 23, 2018, 12:53:49 AM »
This is so inspiring to read. I am just at the beginning of my third reboot. It is so inspiring to read about your success.

this is my day two. I can’t wait to get to day 100 !

aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #170 on: May 23, 2018, 09:27:43 AM »
Congrats on the job!!!!

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #171 on: May 23, 2018, 10:14:04 AM »
Thanks both of you! Andy - I remember you from previous reboots. Glad you're getting stuck in again. And aquarius - thanks, it's a big step up so I'm both excited and slightly daunted!

Today is day 110.

This is quite a useful article for those of you who are Christian and looking to reboot:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-satan-might-keep-you-from-porn

It borrows from the style of "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and describes how easy it is for people to get into a cycle of lust and pride. It's a pattern I've been aware of before: I reboot, feel really good about myself that I've rebooted, end up fooling myself into thinking that I can do this independently of God, end up getting spiritually complacent. The porn won't get me initially but I'll get sucked into pride, gossiping, maybe the odd glance at a racy Instagram account... I'll drift along and then BAM, I relapse.

I've been really aware of the need to guard myself against complacency and to continue to take this reboot one day at a time. Andy - I can't emphasise this enough. Don't think about day 100. Think about today, which is day two, and then tomorrow's a new day. Of course, you'll have in your mind an ultimate goal to be porn-free, but you will only achieve that goal in incremental steps.
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Andy9120

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #172 on: May 23, 2018, 12:41:56 PM »
Thanks so much for that.

Day two has been harder than I thought. A few things went wrong both personally and at work which then led to me feeling the need for that dophamine hit. It’s funny how so much of it is chemistry.

I got through it. Currently struggling through an evening alone. But I am determined. The next few days will be busy. So hopefully I will be looking at days 4/5 before I know it.

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #173 on: May 24, 2018, 10:29:23 AM »
Day 111

I've been working from home today - it's been a bit of a frustrating day as I've found it difficult to get going! Next time I work from home, I'm going to set myself some really strong, clear goals to help me through the day.

Nevertheless I've had a good day temptation-wise - listened to lots of good, Christian music and kept away from anything that might lead me on that slippery slope. As a tip for people who are in the early stages of their reboot: don't be fooled into thinking that you can skirt round the edges of your addiction. Stay away from certain music videos, films, instagram / snapchat accounts and so on. If chat rooms are your thing, don't convince yourself that you can talk innocently. Just steer well clear.

And take it one day at a time.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #174 on: May 25, 2018, 10:43:44 AM »
Day 112

All done for the week! Now I'm on my way to the Suffolk coast for the weekend :) the rest of the family are already there and I'm on the train.

Things have been really busy in work so I've not had much chance to stray. Likewise I'll be busy this weekend. At this stage of the reboot there are fewer (if any) close calls. It's more about keeping safe, keeping that healthy distance between me and the temptation.

Hope you all have a good weekend!
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
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Fighting on.