Author Topic: new year and looking ahead  (Read 692 times)

aquarius25

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new year and looking ahead
« on: January 16, 2018, 12:43:55 PM »
I have been reading a lot, and writing in my journal a lot lately. The new year is always a time of reflection and setting goals, at least for me. One thing I noticed this year that felt different from past years, this year I really didn't do much reflecting, I feel like my mind has been so focused on what's is to come. I have been communicating well with my husband and we have been setting goals of where we want to be in the future. I am really seeing how this future focus is helping me work through my hurt. It doesn't consume as much as it used to. Anyway that is just where I am and what I am noticing. I wanted to start a conversation asking where you are? What things/ goals are you setting? What are you hoping for in this new year for your recovery? Thought it would be a good conversation, that's all.

raven song

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Re: new year and looking ahead
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2018, 02:16:41 PM »
Thanks Aquarius for sharing!  I'm so happy for you that this year feels different.  Thank you for starting this topic!  I hope your holiday travels went well.

Quote
I have been communicating well with my husband and we have been setting goals of where we want to be in the future. I am really seeing how this future focus is helping me work through my hurt. It doesn't consume as much as it used to.
  I'm curious to learn more about how this helps you with your hurt. Maybe I can learn something here from you.  Are you focused on the future as in how your relationship will look when you and your husband have fully recovered?  or are you focused on the next milestone in his and your recovery?

This year is starting off much better for me as well. Last new years was the first disclosure that shocked me for 3-4 months, then there were about 5 discoveries throughout the year.  This year on December 17th, my husband agreed to do a complete and full therapeutic disclosure, including polygraph!!!  This was after I walked in on him hiding twitter from me.  It was either FTD and poly or separation for a week.  The day after he agreed to this, he THANKED ME for requesting this!! He said it forces him to focus and get real.

Then around holidays, we had an amazing 2 week "retreat" at home. it was wonderful. my husband was very present!

Now he is starting his formal therapeutic disclosure process with a CSAT/Mindfulness therapist.  So far, I REALLY REALLY like his therapist. I will meet with him officially next Monday for the first time.  I want to find out more about the structure of my husbands treatment plan, goals, and mile stones.  I also want to share my fears and concerns and my needs to feel safe.  I need to find out about the polygraph process, too.   I found out yesterday that there are only 4 questions that can be asked with the poly and this leaves me feeling EXTREMELY worried this process will not be as thorough as I hoped.  I felt safer before because of it and now i'm not so sure. 
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

aquarius25

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Re: new year and looking ahead
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2018, 07:30:58 PM »
Hey Raven. I am glad that you and your husband are in a better place than a year ago. I do see and understand your fears about the poly. I know that when it comes to feeling safe and secure it is really hard to find peace at times and everything feels so overwhelming, at least that is how I have felt time and time again. I will be praying for you.

As far as my future focus and our goals we are setting goals for us for this year both in our recoveries and in our business and with our kids and family. I am at a place where the concept of "recovered" is something I am finding I actually don't believe in. My husband feels the same way. He sees himself as always an addict, he is choosing to be a recovering one. Recovered insinuates that your done recovering, and neither of us believe that we will ever be done. There is always more to learn about yourself. I also think that even years down the road I may still have the occasional trigger. I am thankful that as I continue to put in the work the triggers are further apart. I am thankful for that. This process is a lot like grief, you never fully get over the loss you just learn how to live with the loss rather than have it consume you. At least that has been my experience.

 As far at the "future focus" I mentioned. I have found that when I spend a lot of time thinking about the past I feel more hurt for what was, and what I realized was  a lie, what we should have had, and all the other emotions that can take over. It really triggers my hurt, anger, and sadness. I tend to focus on my sadness when I think about the past and I have found for myself it is a spiral of destruction. I can't change the past. My husband is sorry, beyond sorry. He wishes he could change the past, we both do, but the past is the past. He is committed to trying and as long as he can do that than I am committed to him. Rather than dwelling on yesterday and letting my resentment build, I look forward. I look at what we are working toward. I look at the progress we have made and the direction we are going. I look at the dreams we have and what we hope to be. That give me hope, which is a much better place to dwell. I am hopeful for him, his progress, and our marriage. I am also hopeful for myself. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I once thought. I am learning more about who I am. I am learning how to love myself, something I don't think I have ever really done before. That is exciting.