Author Topic: quit for good  (Read 30823 times)

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #275 on: January 12, 2020, 08:29:31 AM »
Day 33

                     Feeling a little down at the moment   My wife is writing a book on a history of a family business at the moment and it is really consuming time and energy.  I'm not even putting sex on the radar at the moment.  Sheesh  what a time for a reboot.  I am stepping up to help her in any way I can(not letting her know I'm a bit bothered by her lack of interest in our sexlife).  But I must say  she has always sort of been this way.  When she gets something in her mind to go after  nothing gets in the way.  Perhaps that's a good quality in a person  but one must be carefull it doesnt interfere in  the teams activities.  I may write more on this topic later today  see how I feel as the day goes on.

     On the health front   woke up at 254.2   with the Jan 1st high being 262.4lbs   and 252.2 being my lowest since begining. Hit the bike for an easier paced 30 minutes  and perhaps 15 minutes on the weights consisting of some 100lb  deadlifts   40 lb clean and press and 50 lb bench presses   working safe and practical for the moment as i learn more about such activities.

     Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

   

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #276 on: January 13, 2020, 09:56:06 AM »
Day 34

        still clean and feeling really good and strong about this one.  Was once again a busy day yesterday and  today looks the same. Maybe this is what life is supposed to look like.  Its a good busy  I feel like I am accomplishing so much.  I had a short discussion with the wife yesterday abhout our life explaining that I fully understand how passionate she is about completing her book(she is now looking for a publisher)  and she is welcome to spend as much time and money on it as she needs to  but at the same time my primerary goal is to become financially  independant.  At where we are now  It could possibly be in as little as 4-5 years putting me at aged 52-53  young enough to really enjoy life.  So I explained to her that i might seem a little obsessive compulsive  over some of the small things  where we spend more than we need to   usually caused by a lack of organizatioin and planning.  She seemed ok with it as long as I dont turn our lives up side down.  I'm good with that.  so progress on the married life    Now much to my surprise she got in the mood last night  and we banged   both waking up at 6 this morning  with smiles on our faces.   For those who are new to my feed here   I am fighting this after 30 some odd years of porn.  I am a little different(lucky I suppose)  I never experienced pied.  During the early part of thismost recent  reboot  I went through some really  mild flatline   but it pertained a little more to not seeing the morning wood   and not always feeling the need/want to hang out with my wife every time she changes(which I always loved doing.  But this flatline seems to have  passed by at this point.  I also never really  experienced the chaser effect.

    On the health front   woke up this morning weighing in at 254.8  so up a little over yesterday  but hey it was the weekend. I put in a little more effort this morning  doing a 35 minute spin on the bike with a slightly harder  program

    Deadlift             @95lbs
    clean and press  @45lbs
    benchpress        @45lbs

     all done with 3 sets of 8 reps

     a small workout  but a safe and  confident one that I am growing

     Any of you guys with good experience in weight training  and have advice I'm all ears

    a little disclaimer  for those reading my feed here  the  topics are not always on just rebotting from porn  but my general growth  as a man into a better man. To me  I feel all of us need to  look at the bigger picture as to who we are and what our place in society is  I thank you for iunderstanding  where I am coming from and this forum so far has  been a really big too in reaching that goal

      Cheers

     Post oftyen it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #277 on: January 14, 2020, 10:01:06 AM »
Day 35  10 days to the miniumum half way mark

      Feeling very strong and keeping extremely busy   yet I could have a ton of free time while wife and kids are out from 9-5.  6 weeks ago by this time of the morning I would be deep into a chat room with a few porn pages of some  sort open.  Mornings were usually the time of choice.  Basically  start out my day with it.  Yesterday i went out to the garage and spenty 4 hours  cleaning sorting thining out and organizing my tool chest and shelving as some mice had gotten in over the years. Bought new bins to perfectly fit the shelf space  for various  things  IE  a bin for small plumbing parts  a bin for painting  brushes rollers tape  exc. I think I pulled 30lbs of tools out that were duplicates and trplicates  exc.  No wonder I couldnt get anything done.   Today will be more of the same   going through years of stuff we have obtained  and never found a use for or never stored properly for future use

   After having read another gentlemans journal  it certainly brought up a memory  for me and that is  when i was 13 or 14    I would  use mags  and than bury them  figuring I would stop.  Only to dig them up a week later and try to clean them off.  at 1st I did this in the backyard.  Than in a forest a 10 minute walk from our house   and do the same thing  bury them and go and retrieve them.  I was perhaps 13 or 14 at the time   incredible how  I could be addicted at that age  and of course there was no understanding of it at all.  Well times are changing  for sure.  It brings me to the  conclusion of what a sickness this addiction really is  and how important it is for others to not just throw blame on us  100% for it.  When we as adolecents got curious we just didnt have an understanding of what lied ahead.

    On the health front  woke up at 252.4 lbs  my new low on the year   the high being 262.4lbs

     35 minutes program  level 8 on the bike

       100lb deadlift
       50lb clean and press
       50lb benchpress

      all with 3 sets of 8

     I will carry this for the rest of the week and add in a 4th weight training excersise for Monday

      Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you
 
« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 10:26:37 AM by joepanic »

BigMog

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #278 on: January 14, 2020, 01:58:44 PM »
Nice going Joepanic

Good work on the streak and the lifting.

I think many of us share some similar experiences and behaviours. As a teenager I once got caught by my mother looking through the dustbins* for porn mags I’d vowed I’d dumped for good. Doh! Fortunately, I don’t think she worked out what I was looking for.

Strangely, I just find this incident amusing now. I guess it’s because it shows how absurdly we can behave when we are in the grip of this thing.

Thanks for your posts, I always find them useful to read. I’m not posting so much at the moment, but I’m still in the fight.

*that’s what we call them in the UK. I think you call them  “trash cans” on your side of the Atlantic.




Curly Bill

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #279 on: January 15, 2020, 09:23:43 AM »
Day 35  10 days to the miniumum half way mark

      Feeling very strong and keeping extremely busy   yet I could have a ton of free time while wife and kids are out from 9-5.  6 weeks ago by this time of the morning I would be deep into a chat room with a few porn pages of some  sort open.  Mornings were usually the time of choice.  Basically  start out my day with it.  Yesterday i went out to the garage and spenty 4 hours  cleaning sorting thining out and organizing my tool chest and shelving as some mice had gotten in over the years. Bought new bins to perfectly fit the shelf space  for various  things  IE  a bin for small plumbing parts  a bin for painting  brushes rollers tape  exc. I think I pulled 30lbs of tools out that were duplicates and trplicates  exc.  No wonder I couldnt get anything done.   Today will be more of the same   going through years of stuff we have obtained  and never found a use for or never stored properly for future use

   After having read another gentlemans journal  it certainly brought up a memory  for me and that is  when i was 13 or 14    I would  use mags  and than bury them  figuring I would stop.  Only to dig them up a week later and try to clean them off.  at 1st I did this in the backyard.  Than in a forest a 10 minute walk from our house   and do the same thing  bury them and go and retrieve them.  I was perhaps 13 or 14 at the time   incredible how  I could be addicted at that age  and of course there was no understanding of it at all.  Well times are changing  for sure.  It brings me to the  conclusion of what a sickness this addiction really is  and how important it is for others to not just throw blame on us  100% for it.  When we as adolecents got curious we just didnt have an understanding of what lied ahead.

    On the health front  woke up at 252.4 lbs  my new low on the year   the high being 262.4lbs

     35 minutes program  level 8 on the bike

       100lb deadlift
       50lb clean and press
       50lb benchpress

      all with 3 sets of 8

     I will carry this for the rest of the week and add in a 4th weight training excersise for Monday

      Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you
Keep it up, I plan to add in strength training too once I finish the fast I'm on.  Fasting just kills my energy levels, but its going to be so worth it.

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #280 on: January 15, 2020, 12:00:32 PM »
Day 36

     Another day of feeling strong and confident  and I think the brain fog gets less and less each day  I wont say its totally gone  because i keep seeing improvements in my ability to  plan tasks that need to be done and  the concentration to catrry them through efficiantly.
  More on that later though

    Bigmog and Curly  thatnks for tuning in  Im glad someone is listening and taking something away from  what i have to say  I also tune into your journals and have been able to take something from them too

Yesterday was an odd day in that I actually had a pretty strong trigger    It was caused by  just hopping into my hot tub on the back yard  and relaxing.  It used to be a place I would go and daydream about women  or fantasize.  Now I cannot just avoid going into it   so going to give some thoguht as to how to work around that one.  And I will quote that it was quite a strong trigger.  Now I hopped into it this morning right after my workout  but was not triggered for 2 reasons  I think I was thinking about my workout and planning my day  and of course my wife and kids were getting up   having breakfast exc.  It would naturally be a different environment

   I'm going to go back to the topic of my brain fog lifting  as i preogress.  I dont for one second believe this is just  a result of my current reboot of 36 days.  I believe it to be a result of trying and failing over the last 2 years  to eliminate porn from my life. In the past 2 years I have had clean streaks as long as 4 months  as well as shorter ones  of several weeks hear and there  I believe I am on what I might call the final lap as in I see the finish line ahead in the distance. In a nutshell I went from pmo 4 5 or sometimes 6 days a week for anywhere from 1-6 hours  at a time  for many years  down to  in the last 2 years  understanding the addiction and obtaining  longer clean streaks  and seeing my porn use drop by probably 70-80% untill Dec 10th from which I have been clean ever since.
   
       On the topic of Brainfog lifting  I will give an example   We need ink for the computer printer.  IN past years it was run over to Best buy and buy a cartridge.  this afternoon I will take 10 minutes and call around for the best price.  If i go to a refill place I will be putting it on my kitchen scale  to see if they are filled  to what they are new.

    ON the healthfront  i woke up at 250lbs

        same routine in the garage

       35 minutes  program level 8 on the bike
       100lb dead lift
       50 lb clean and press
       50 lb benchpress

   all done with 3 sets of 8 each

      Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Curly Bill

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #281 on: January 16, 2020, 08:47:31 AM »
You rock!  I've been here about 2 years on and off myself, my best run was 128 days and just like you several other runs of varying lengths. 

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #282 on: January 16, 2020, 10:47:19 AM »
Gooood morning

      Woke up feeling strong and confident  and clear headed.  No further triggers after 2 days ago  which i suppose is good.

    Yesterday's experiment was a complete sucess  I looked around online for the best price in ink and got reycled cartridges for  far less saving  clse to $30  over the last toime we bought them  not too mention  less packaging.  This experiment leads me to wonder how much on other stuff i have overspent over the last several years. A we ek ago  i did some grocerie shopping and it was the same thing  devided the  list between 2 different stores and saved probably $7-$8  but spent probably half hour more.  With the brainfog lifting I am going to really start to do some research  on how to save more $$  and earn more in extra ways.  The next  task is to have all of our insurance  withdrawls  put onto the credit card for the  rewards.  At the moment my rewards work out to be about $800 a year  going to make a goal of increasing that to a $1000 this year. 

   At the moment my wife is writing her first book  it is taking alot of her time  and I actually feel confident to  take on the bulk of the work load doing our taxes(we run a small real estate rental business)  There is a ton of paperwork to go through and organize. But I think with a little coaching from her I will be up to the challenge.

    A little conclusion about myself   I have been addicted to this crap for way over 30 years  and never once did i experience pied. Now i did read on someones journal somewhere along the way bthat if you wernt experiencing pied  you were probably not an addict.  I beg to differ.  For so many years i had the brain fog(of course we didint understand what it was   but over the last 2 years i have really come to recognize it fully.   I wonder how my life would have been different if I could have made more clear  and proper decisions.  I now wonder if  my lack of career growth  was do to porn addiction.   I was somewhat bullied and mistreated as a kid and of course that  affected my self esteem  no doubt.    But   could I have made other choices as a teenager and  left behind those friends who did not stand up for me in my times of need if i did not suffer from brain fog.   Perhaps those people who mistreated me might have  not had the oppertunity if I had the confidence to take on bigger challenges away from that environment.

    well this has been a bit of an essay again  but its very therapeutic for me   and I hope others. Need to get on with the day  so I might  pop in again to do some more writing a little later

   On the health front  I  took an easy day yesterday diet wise  and this morning excersize wise

    woke up at 252lbs

     only 15 minutes on the bike  at a good solid pace

   105lb deadlift
   65  lb seated legpress
   55 lb clean and press
   55 lb bench press

  all done with  3 sets of 8

     Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you


jixu

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #283 on: January 17, 2020, 06:51:40 AM »
Hi Joe!  I like the way you are moving forward in many areas-porn removal, working out, throwing junk out, business-career, relationships, finances, etc.   The multi-dimensional approach seems to provide its own momentum. 

I think you are wise to accommodate your wife's desire to write the book.  I recently over-looked and under-estimated one of my wife's activities, an activity that was important to her.  Boy, was that a mistake!  Keep going, and congratulations on the great progress. 

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #284 on: January 17, 2020, 10:16:26 AM »
Day 38   1 week to  the 1/2 way mark  of minimum  reboot reccommendation

    Again woke up feeling pretty good and confident although I did wake up at 4 am for some reason   thought about getting up to play an old star wars computer game which i pull out about 2 or 3 times a year  but seemed to have fallen asleep.  I will say porn never entered my mind  but  neither did it  before anytime i woke up at some ungodly hour so its nothing new there

    Jixu    thanks for tuning in.  I believe its the lifting of the brain fog thats allowing me to work on so many different aspects of improving my life  at the same time.  I'll admit  at the moment I'm off from work till March or April.  I work for a large roadpaving  company and we go like crazy from April till Christmas   I basically make my whole years wages in those 9 months.  So I do have the time to work on alot  at the moment.  Difference is in previous years  I did not  take the opportunity to take cafre of many of these things I am this year.   But with a clear mind anything now seems possible.   I wish I was 15 years younger  I would be considering a career change (dont get me wrong  I do like tyhe company I work for  I would rather have more time off in the summer than in the winter)
   Yesterdays task went uncompleted as I coiuldnt find the paperwork needed  but I did get a lot of  junk taken away  and some general organizing  getting things into there rightfull place   More of that to come today.

    Porn is a funny thing in how it changes the perception of some  as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt.  Especially when it comes to a reboot.  There are so many opinions  out there and so much to consider in the discussions   much of it really being just rhetoric.   To my wife she never actually cared if I looked at porn   She had no interest  and I fully respected that.   She did not know the extent that I watched it  though.  My case was  not that I didnt find her attractive anymore(she is 45)  I was not looking for 19 year olds with perfect bodies and  full hair and make up   it was average housewife situations  amatures if you will exc.  And my porn use started 20 years before se ever met   so my reasons for being addicted never had anything to do with her.  That is why I choose not to tell her I was addicted  and have chosen to  leave it behind and never go back to it.  All she knows is  that 1:  i dont bother with it anymore  and 2: we want to enure the kids dont get caught up in it.  On a 3rd note she had  noticed some improvement in my  outlook  recently.  This "new" me has really allowed her to take on what she has always wanted to do.   Some say I am not being the best man I can be  for not telling her about my addiction.  I again beg to differ as she new I watched porn.   All telling her  about it would do is  show that I had a weakness   a weaknes  that I overcame   and really wish to leave behind and not ever have any reminders of

  One must ask themselves why they are here.  I came here believeing that I could conduct my reboot on my terms   and so far that is working   so I shall stay the course.  I accept peoples right to an  opinion but believe we have the right to disagree.  I could never go to someone elses post and tell them they are wrong  in there thinking. In the end they understand their own concience.


    On the health front  a good tough workout this morning

   woke up at 250.4 lbs

     105lb deadlift
     55 lb  clean and press
     60 lb leg extension
     55 lb bench press

    all done with 3 sets of 8

    3 km walk

   cheers

         Post often it helps me it helps you

Curly Bill

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #285 on: January 17, 2020, 01:21:46 PM »

    Porn is a funny thing in how it changes the perception of some  as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt.  Especially when it comes to a reboot.  There are so many opinions  out there and so much to consider in the discussions   much of it really being just rhetoric.   To my wife she never actually cared if I looked at porn   She had no interest  and I fully respected that.   She did not know the extent that I watched it  though.  My case was  not that I didnt find her attractive anymore(she is 45)  I was not looking for 19 year olds with perfect bodies and  full hair and make up   it was average housewife situations  amatures if you will exc.  And my porn use started 20 years before se ever met   so my reasons for being addicted never had anything to do with her.  That is why I choose not to tell her I was addicted  and have chosen to  leave it behind and never go back to it.  All she knows is  that 1:  i dont bother with it anymore  and 2: we want to enure the kids dont get caught up in it.  On a 3rd note she had  noticed some improvement in my  outlook  recently.  This "new" me has really allowed her to take on what she has always wanted to do.   
Its unreal how similar our experiences are, right down the line, Dude.  Keep it rolling I'm coming up in your rearview mirror on Day 5.  You should see me back there anytime. LOL

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #286 on: January 18, 2020, 01:02:57 PM »
Day 39   who says counters are not usefull  I beg to differ on that one

   slept in till almost 9 with the wife  that doesnt happen very often.  Woke up feeling pretty good though

    Thanks for tuning in Curly  I will be reading your journal with interest as our stories and views are pretty close

    Not much to write about at the moment  but perhaps latrer tody   not sure if I have much time for reading   We'll see how the days goes

   On the health front  woke up at 252  and  have yet to hit the home gym  as its Saturday  might go out later for an easy workout

    Cheers
                    Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #287 on: January 19, 2020, 12:56:39 PM »
Day 40  5 days to the half way point

     woke up feeling strong after sleeping in with the wife again

    this is going to be short as its turning into a tough day  in general over a difference of opinion on something I had with the wife.

    One thing I am learning very fast is that after giving up the porn and seeing the  brain fog lift  I have been able to  think much more clear  and  am not so afraid to state my opinion on something.  and quite adamantly and when that differs from hers  its not always pretty.  All the way through our marraige when she had an idea in her head or  an opinion  there was generally no chaning her mind.  She is not used to me doing the same.  Guess this will take some time to fine tune this new part of me.  I love her to pieces anyway so it will all work out in the end

     On the health front   woke up at 252.5  so up a little  but again its the weekend.

    no workout yet  but spent an hour digging our home out of the snow  may work out later

      Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

   

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #288 on: January 20, 2020, 10:56:54 AM »
Day 41   1 more day to 6 weeks

      Wow  where did that time go?  I recall an earlier post a few weeks ago commenting on how  I felt the 1st few weeks seemed to take forever  and than "BAM"  I'm at 6 weeks .  I guess its a curve in a way

    So today i read and commented on some jopurnals and as a result  have a small observation  to sort of re inforce. and thats    It def is not easy at the beginning  its a new world your looking into.  It took me 4 really good attempts  at rebooting   as well as many little attempts over a 2 year period  before I finally  think I am beating the addiction.  The biggest thing I think I took away from the past 2 years was the chance to learn and understand the addiction.    Find the tools to work on  it  and finally put those tools to work  the biggest one I think was just learning to break the patterns. The little attempts of a week or 10 days to me was breaking those patterns   and  of course you have free time for a week or 10 days  I watched  alot of videos on the topic and read alot  and had a little time to digest it.   I think when we come to certain small conclusions  and work on  putting them to use  we become a little stronger  and  over time  it begins to be a part of our new us.

    on the health front  woke up at 249.8lbs  a new low  from Jan 1st weight of 262.4lbs

     did not hit the home gym  over the weekend as we had considerable snowfall and there was much clearing to do

   this morning was the usual routine of 35 minutes on the bike starting at program level 9 and switching to 8 after 10 minutes  or so

     105lb deadlift
       55lb clean and press
       60lb leg extension
       55lb benchpress

    all done with 3 sets of 8 reps

    3 km brisk walk


      cheers

       post often it helps me it helps you 
 

Curly Bill

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #289 on: January 20, 2020, 05:24:01 PM »
For the record, I never had PIED either, but I sure as hell have been addicted.  My understanding is it's more of a problem with younger guys because of the intensity of the porn they were introduced to was so much greater than when we came along.  The younger guys started out with High DEf, we had magazines with centerfolds and in most cases, access wasn't as readily accessible as a google search today.  Now for me I also never progressed into the extreme stuff, matter of fact as more and more amateur stuff came along I preferred home movies over the polished professional productions.  But I've also been struggling to leave it behind almost from the beginning after discovering the web and so I would have breaks in my indulgence.  Some guys logged in and went full tilt 7 days a week with no desire to stop till their junk gave out on them.  Some people smoke weed and that's as far as it goes, while others chase the full spectrum of substances to abuse.  You and I see the harm porn causes and want to stop, but have struggled to let it go completely, to me that is still an addiction, period. 

CB

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #290 on: January 21, 2020, 09:46:39 AM »
Day 42  Rebooting right along

         Woke up feeling good again.  As I've said in the past  I never really had any issues with PIED  it was all just brainfog and lackof anything constructive   times sucking   that sort of stuff.  I experienced a little flat line on and off for a few weeks during this reboot but  still had no trouble with a romp in the sack with my wife.  Morning wood has been reasonably consistant   but this morning it really didnt seem to want to go down that I actually wound up chasing my wife around the house in so many words.  I knew she had to get ready for work as usual so didnt expect anything  but it was fun none the less and I think she gets a kick out of it (makes her feel sexy)

    I do have to say through nall the years of porn  use   even when I wasnt using for a few days or whatever I was still hard more often than not   Perhaps its  a leftover from my later teen years of not getting much  of anything  and even into my early to mid 20s.   So it seems after a mild flatline a few weeks ago I'm definatly off to the races .
   Yesterday was spent doing lots of administration work around the house here   especially with upcoming tax season   more of that today  Its kind of nice that I can thinhk a little more clearly on the matter

     on the heath front  woke up at 249.6 lbs

      35 minutes on the bike starting at program level 9  and  switching it to  level ate after 12 minutes  over the next several weeks I'll keep  upping ther level 9 portion till I do all 35 minutes

      105lb deadlift
       55lb clean and press
       60lb leg extension
       55lb bench press
       1.5 km walk(shorter do to a time constraint)

      cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you
       

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #291 on: January 22, 2020, 10:04:54 AM »
 Good morning Day 43  time for someone to turn up the temprature out there

     Woke up feeling good again  even getting up about 20 minutes earlier than usual (620 am).  And actually went to bed by 1015 last night   usuall bedtime is closer to midnight and later on the weekends.  I suppose this might be a new pattern forming   we'll wait and see on that one.

  I did some reading of another journal  yesterday and I'm not sure what to think.  He has a considerable streak of no pmo  has regular sex with his wife  and  m's on occasion  but not to porn,  but peaks  on a regular basis at porn.  I am for sure not one to tell someone else how to coinduct their reboot  but I believe this forum is for those who not only wish to  put pmo out of their lives  but also to put p out of their lives.   The mandate is spelled out as 

"We help people reboot their brains with encouragement and education. Reboot is a complete rest from artificial sexual stimulation (i.e. pornography)."   This is taken from the home page .
 
      I hate to think that  the mandate can be so  missinterpretated  that ot is accaptable for p to play some part in our lives.  Since this is the mandate as spelled out above  I belivev that also means we are not here to fix relationships for others or tell others how to fix them   It is a "reboot"  a complete rest from all external  artificial sexual stimulation.   I think its really inmportant to keep our eyes on the ball.   support others in the route  they take   but   to me  that route can not involve the active conscientiously seeking of porn in any amount .

     On the healthfront   woke up at 247.9  a new low  from 262.4 Jan 1st

      did 35 minutes on the bike program leve 9 for 12 minutes  than 8 for the remainder.

     100lb deradlift
       55lb clean and press
       40lb leg extension
       55lb bench press
 
        3.2 km  long walk   so a touch longer than usual

     I have lowered the weight on the leg extension as I am reading that it may be detrimental to the knees over time   I would rather play cautious for a bit and research  a little more on  leg and knee weight training  excersises.

     Cheers

      Post often it helps you it helps me


fastfreddy

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #292 on: January 22, 2020, 11:25:16 AM »
Joepanic - You've been active and helped many others in your years of involvement on RN. It's almost like a library where newbies (like me) can read about this journey we've all embarked on. Thanks, brother! And your advice that posting helps is dead on point.

I'm actually somewhat grateful for PIED, because that was the final thing that made me realize I was at rock bottom. I guess that's more proof that men think with their dicks...

I'm exploring the relationship between my PMO urges and how I'm getting along with my wife. Things are a little rocky and have been for months. This job search has sucked so hard. Long story short, I've been struggling about how to be an attractive professional job candidate at 55 years old. In the meantime, I've been looking for self-affirmation by playing in local bands and am now up to 4. Which means that I'm out at rehearsals 4 nights per week plus playing gigs on the weekends. And playing music that my wife can't stand. So, all that conflicts with my wife's love language of time. So, my wife mentioned that she thinking about moving into separate bedrooms so she can get to sleep earlier while I'm "out doing whatever."

Why is this relevant? Because I realize that my PMO urges really flare up after conflicts with my wife. And 19 days in, They. Are. Flaring.

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #293 on: January 23, 2020, 10:15:05 AM »
Day 44  1 more day till the half way point

      Woke up feeling a little rough  somewhat drained   even though I was in bed by just after 10.  Wife hopped in and we had quite the romp  perhaps I expended a little more energy there than I thought  buty was goooood times indeed.   Only issue I have is I'm always guessing  weather were going to do it or not(I still feel its a little control  thing going on)  But I just live with it  and try to put it out of my mind.  I used to say something but  she just got annoyed and it would start a small argument.  So I dont bother anymore.    Yesterday was an incredibly productive day   got so much done.  We leave for a short  vacation  this coming Wednesday for 3 days  to take the kids to a  Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls  Canada (big inddor waterpark  so warm humid wet  area to hang in for a few days)  and I have lots to do between now and than.   Should keep me quite busy.  I have had virtually no urges or triggers in weeks  and If I think of porn at all it seems to be about the past  but its still fresh in my mind  I think it will be well over a year or two before I can really say  its  no longer a part of me  but a little piece of my history(even though it was a large piece)   I hope to call it a little piece as I  have plans to do so much in the time freed up by giving it up.  This future time I intend  to be  so much more  fufilling that the porn use past will begin to fade

          Freddie     Thanks for tuning in  I'm glad I am making a small difference in others lives and reboots.  Its going to be hard for you to  continue your reboot  and work on your marraige at the same time.  You both seem to be in different  chapters in the same book  so I dont think all is lost or anything like that.  I'm not one for giving marraige advice   but it is about give and take.  Do you feel your giving  as much as you should.   I know all about being a musician   and practicing   and gigs exc   it is a time consuming endeavour for sure.  Might want to look at it a little more closely.   Does she know your struggle with P and what your doing about it?  Mine knows I used to "surf a little porn" and couldnt have cared less.  She doesnt know the extent of my addiction and I plan  to keep it that way.  She does know I know longer watch it though.  I basically have said that I lost interest in it   and had read that  there are some studies  on the long term negative effects of it so thought  why should I bother with it.

    I must confess though that   this morning during my workout in the garage  I always take my computer out so as I can listen to music. Well this morning choice was older rockabilly type songs.  most are home production type music(some really awesome stuff out there I tell you)  Well the videos to accompany them are usually pic of hot rod cars  old 50s gas stationsd  exc. Well this morning one video came on of  hot rod cars with 40s and 50s pin up girls   I was in the middle of  my clean and press  lifting so couldnt  really turn away or switch it off.  Normally I suppose this could be  considered a  trigger  or a p sub   But it did not  trigger me in any way.  The video ended  and the next one  did not have anything like that   was back to straight hot rod cars.  Although I must say  the curves on those cars might as well be a p sub.   Oh the life back then   siiiigghhhh

    On the health front   woke up weighing in at 247.8  so  just as little below yesterday  for a new low  from Jan 1st weight of 262.4

     did 35 minutes on the bike program level 9 for 17.5 minutes before switching to level 8 for the remainder  so small improvement there

     105 lb deadlift
       55 lb clean and press
       40 lb leg extension
       55 lb bench press

       4 km brisk walk today  I think that might be the limit on the walk as tikme wont allow anything longer


      Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

       

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #294 on: January 24, 2020, 09:31:22 AM »
Good morning Day 45  the halfway point to the reccommended 90 day minimum reboot

      Woke up feeling pretty good on the whole considering my 11 year old set an alarm on an i-pad  for 5 am.  She figured on keeping it in her room and we wouldnt notice  and she could get up and hang on it playing games(we limit screen time in the house)  But she forgot to put it in her room and nit was just outside ours so  of course woke us up.

    Yesterday was another super productive day.  I am simply amazed  at how clearly I have been able to think nrecently.  I look back over the last 30 years and just shake my head.  I didnt do well in school   never went to college   and just took whatever job.  No confidence in any sort of advanced ability.  I patted myself on the back  for getting through highschool(took me 6 years) and knocked my friends for dropping out.  But they were having real sex  with real girls   they had relationships although most were not worth the paper they were written on.  They were somewhat lowlife ish as people  at that time  but I'm not thinking they were addicted to porn like I was. Although I would never have understood the addiction at the time. I just though I  naturally could not have made a clear decision  or learn something  or gain knowelege because I just didnt have the brain power others did   I remember going to a dr when I was around 11 or 12  to have some tests run on my brain  I guess they never found anything   but I'm sure that was around the time I started  to m on a regualr basis to magazines  and see my 1st vhs tape of p .  It seemed I could barely keep up with school and  had a really hard time finding acceptance .the lowlife friends.  I wasnt confident to  approach those who were in the chool bands and sports teams  exc .  I often wonder what could have been now.   What a rip off of ones life.   Well it all feels different now   I am gaining confidence to try new things  everything from  making phonecalls I never liked to make to  learning new skills  so am def thinking about how to really make those a part of my life

      On the health front woke up at 247.2  another new low from 262.4  so 15 lbs now lost

     did 35 minutes on the bike program level 9 for 20 minutes than level 8 for remaing 15 so another small improvement over yesterday

     105lb deadlift
       55lb clean and press
       40lb leg extension
       55lb bench press

   all done with 3 set of 8

   I am considering adding 5 lbs  starting Monday  and perhaps another excersise into the mix

     Did not do any walk this morning as I have an appointment    Will see how the weekend goes


     Cheers

       Post often it helps me it helps you.

     

GottaReboot

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #295 on: January 24, 2020, 12:49:57 PM »
I wasnt confident to  approach those who were in the chool bands and sports teams  exc .  I often wonder what could have been now.   What a rip off of ones life.

This totally resonated with me. I often think about opportunities lost, careers torpedoed, time wasted and things I've never experienced because of what I've done and this effing addiction. I have imposters syndrome and always have, never feeling good enough or qualified enough. Always feeling like the 10 year-old sitting at the meeting room table. I now relate this all to my addiction and the mess it played on my brain.

Thanks for your posts. I've been reading them to help me just like your signature says  :)

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #296 on: January 25, 2020, 01:37:47 PM »
Day46  On to the 2nd half we go

     Woke up feeling very good this morning   Yesterday being a reasonably  productive day doing some volunteering to set  up a dining room for 150 people for a  very formal event tonight at our cultural club.  It was a great opportunity to learn a bit about this kind of stuff  might look at it as a retirement  job someday.  Not much to report  on or any insite today  perhaps Monday.

   
   On the healthfront  woke up at 246.8lbs  another new low from Jan 1st high of 262.4lbs

    its a Saturday so I did a really light workout  of 20 minutes on the bike at a moderate pace

    110 lb deadlift
       60lb clean and press
       40lb leg extension
       60lb benchpress

  all done with a singel set of 8 as i increased the weight by 5 lbs  so will try the full workout Monday with the new weight

    2.5 km walk  do to time constraint

     Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #297 on: January 26, 2020, 08:49:59 AM »
good morning   Day 47    This is probably going to be my shortest entry ever

     Woke up after sleeping in  with the wife.  We have a very formal banquet last night  was a wonderfull time  more on it when I have more time

      On the health front  the banquet did cause some damage  woke up weighing in at 249.1 ouch  that meal was good

     no excersise this morning as its  rest day    perhaps a little later  but we need to go out of town for several hours today

    cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

OwainOwen

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #298 on: January 26, 2020, 04:54:18 PM »
Hey Joe,

Thanks for your journal. I've been having a read and found it rather moving and inspiring.

Well done; it's appreciated and worthwhile.

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #299 on: January 27, 2020, 10:36:13 AM »
Day 48   couple of days to a half a hundred.

    (very mild trigger alert in this posting)   Woke up feeling good as usual although I was up a few times last night for some reason.  This weekend we had our crowning of our Miss..........  The female ambassador for our Germanic  cultural club. (a quick sidenote  this is a tradition that goes back 72 years now  the days of things like the  bikini portion are long gone  it is not so much the chauvenistic  event of days gone by  rather an appointment of a young lady  who has demonstrated a high level or participation in our club and the  greater community at large)   Back to the evening  now  which was a very formal event with suits ties and evening gowns  a wonderfull meal  great music  and a fabulous looking room.  I'm not sure how much insite I can give on how it  ties in with my reboot.  of course I still glanced at ladies in  "somewhat" revealing dresses  but I feel I did alot less of that sort of stuff this time round.  Perhaps I had less lustfull feelings  about the whole affair.
    I did recieve compliments on  how I looked from a few ladies so obviously  it is still a socially acceptable thing to do.   I think its all in how we view it.  Over the years  alot of my attraction to the opposite sex was not based on how little  she wore or how tight it was exc but  how classy  she could look   and colour was such a big thing for me.  I always loved all the lacey details and bright colours of  German  cultural dresses(ie  the dirndle)    Sure they quite often have alot of cleavege  but that one can see almost anywhere.  I will say I was not in the least bit triggered   and still hav no urges  to surf p.  Something tells me if I  had being introduced to this  club when I was a child I might not have gotten wrapped up[ in porn.  It would have been another  thing to  give me something to work for  and perhaps a little more purpose which helps to build confidence.... especially around ladies/girls.    our one son is 8 and dances in a group with other boys and girls his age and seems to have a blast and is not shy around the othert little girls.  His dance instructors are female so he has strong female role models other than  just mom.    He has 3 sisters all older ranging from aged 18 who dresses too revealing sometimes  but thats a topic for another day(i'm all ears on opinions on that discussion) and 2 sisters who are 16 and 11  who are still a little more down to eart.  and of course 1 younger brother who is 6.  I really notice  how he interacts with girls  and am for the most part pleased with what I see.  Looking back  I thihnk in that atmosphere  I was always more respectfull  of ladies   even in those dresses I have come to the conclusion they are of a stronger mind  and tried to teach there sons more respect for a lady.  I know  as my mom wore them too   For some reason my parents  didnt have the inclination to dedicate  themselves to the club mentality.  I think my dad worked to many hours supporting our family  and I def thank him for that.


    OwainOwan    thanks for tuning in.  I'm glad  you found it helpful.  There are many journals here of present members as well as past members i read that I also found  very helpfull along the way  and I have tried to respond in kind    alot of my topics might be a touch contraversial and a few might even seem self serving   but I think alot of conversations need to happen  for us to beat our addictions  and be the men we want to be.   Much of my reboot these days really entails getting my feelings out each day and reflecting on how to improve those small areas of my life  and it really seems to be making a huge difference.(  i just hope I dont run out of topics too soon)


     Was looking through  the general journals and noticed Gabe had posted a short youtube  video   that really does explain this whole porn addiction thing as well as why we need age varification  on porn sites.  It is well worth the watch   I think ill just post the link here   Total credit for  Gabe Deem  on this one 

         https://youtu.be/s8r_8VcpWBQ

    on the health front  I woke up at 246.8 which is a match for my best low from Jan 1st weight of 262.4

    did 35 minutes on the bike  at program level 9 for 23 minutes and level 8 for 12  so a little improvement from Friday

     110lb deadlift
       60lb clean and press
       45lb leg extenstion
       60lb bench press
       45lb peckdeck(also knows as butterfly).....      this one I found super easy so  think I will add on 5 lbs each day till it feels like a
                                                                          challenging excersise

     4 km walk in 50 minutes

      Cheers

       Post often it helps me it helps you