Author Topic: quit for good  (Read 4663 times)

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #125 on: January 02, 2019, 08:04:12 AM »
Day 31         Just checked in with the guys for the January Challenge   looking forward to completing it   Feeling pretty good this morning although a little tired    but getting ready to workout and spend the day post Christmas  clean up  and try to learn one new scale  so off to do some reading  will pop in later


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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #126 on: January 03, 2019, 07:40:58 AM »
Starting Day 32     A good day yesterday   keeping busy  and  no urges or triggers  felt   I guess it helps that we canceled cable tv years ago and never bothered with Netflix or anything like that   I have a facebook account but it was never one of my active searching  issues   never used Instagram or  such programs   mmy big addiction I suppose would be watching music (usually live) on youtube   But time to get workout going  running a few minutes ;late this morning


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Rex

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #127 on: January 03, 2019, 09:42:54 AM »
Starting Day 32     A good day yesterday   keeping busy  and  no urges or triggers  felt   I guess it helps that we canceled cable tv years ago and never bothered with Netflix or anything like that   I have a facebook account but it was never one of my active searching  issues   never used Instagram or  such programs   mmy big addiction I suppose would be watching music (usually live) on youtube   But time to get workout going  running a few minutes ;late this morning


       Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic,

Great work reaching your second month free from PMO and continuing to remain vigilant! The first month is always the hardest, you have passed that hurdle. Just keep looking forward, keep yourself busy and the days will continue to pass moving you closer to a your new life free from PMO.
Rex
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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #128 on: January 03, 2019, 09:53:04 AM »
Hey Rex   Thanks for the encouragement  it is always welcome   as each day goes by I'm sure I feel a little more confident  that I have left this behind   its no longer a question of "if" I can leave it behind  but more how long will it be before I believe I have left it 100% behind    At this point I believe it could be as long as staying clean for a year or longer  but that might change as I find I am doing the things I always wanted to do and  having them become 2nd nature


     Post often it helped me it will help you

Rex

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #129 on: January 03, 2019, 10:20:22 AM »
Hey Rex   Thanks for the encouragement  it is always welcome   as each day goes by I'm sure I feel a little more confident  that I have left this behind   its no longer a question of "if" I can leave it behind  but more how long will it be before I believe I have left it 100% behind    At this point I believe it could be as long as staying clean for a year or longer  but that might change as I find I am doing the things I always wanted to do and  having them become 2nd nature


     Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic,

I does get easier, I am a 3 decade PMO addict. Best past reboot I had was 28 days back in early 2017.  Today I am 100 days free from PMO. I never thought that possible. The first 30 days on my current reboot were the hardest.  The second month got easier and some time between 50-60 days, I noticed things got markable easier where my brain began to adjust to the new normal.  Now I am on autopilot and it's more natural for me to stay away from the triggers, stay vigilant, and have the daily prayer life which has been a key to me staying away from PMO.  You will be tempted and the urges will continue however as time passes the urges and temptations have less pull and are so much easier to say "NO" to.  The problem that you will have are the rationalizations that pop into your head such as "you have done well, one little fall to PMO won't hurt you", don't fall for this it's a big trap.  Or when you run into setbacks or stress in your life, family, work, etc. along the way and you feel the urge to use PMO as a crutch to handle the pain or stress of these type of events, don't fall for it. 

You are doing great, keep up the great work!
« Last Edit: January 03, 2019, 10:23:57 AM by Rex »
Rex
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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #130 on: January 03, 2019, 11:44:10 AM »
Hey Rex  I too am a 30 year addict  and my longest clean streak was when I discovered this  forum in Dec 2017   I managed about 4 months  straight   before allowing myself to slip   my story is a bit different than most here in that I never once experienced pied or any other physical side effect   I than bounced in and out of it  for a few months with very limited use and another clean streak  of  several weeks  before slipping for  about a week  and than on to this present streak     this one I feel very  strong  and confident    I also differ from most in as much as I was a heavy user   I never experienced any pied  or PE or DE or anything like that   I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later   I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later   delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't   over and over again   I didn't think about porn while making love to my wife   I never denied her   it was usually me who was hearing "'I'm tired"   exc  to which I would than go down and do some surfing  myself   Please don't get me wrong  I would never blame her for it   but  I wanted some relief so of course I went and got it    At the end of the day I came to the conclusion that  I wasted way to much time on it and  did not  pursue my real hobbies   to which I am now working pretty hard on with good success    My wife doesn't know the extent of my addiction    She only knows that  I would surf a little p from time to time  like most guys did    As of recent I told her that I don't bother with it anymore  because I have the space  to practice music     The other reason I had for quitting was reading last year about pied  and I better quit before  it's too late   I feel I've  been given a 2nd chance here and I better take it    My marriage is too good to  take a chance on mucking up


       Post often it helped me it will help you

changemylife

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #131 on: January 03, 2019, 02:04:48 PM »
I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later   I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later   delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't   over and over again   

This reminds me of that porn blocker I've installed in the past. Of course, I did it after relapsing, when the urges had calmed down but as soon as the strong urges hit me, I uninstalled the blocker right away, with trembling hands, the uninstalling was taking too long hahaha! It's crazy.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #132 on: January 04, 2019, 08:11:48 AM »
Day 33   got up feeling good with good morning wood  too bad the wife was down for maintenance

     Yesterday was  a really good day  and the scale today showed  that my efforts at working out/exercise  and eating right are showing  some success   Not much to journal on at the moment perhaps after some reading   we shall wee

        Post often it helped me it will help you

Pcpowder

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #133 on: January 04, 2019, 07:06:53 PM »
Wow, what a journey, i just read all 8 pages. Congratulations JJ and thank you all who participated in his journal for the last few years

This was exactly what I needed to read today is that I am only on day 7.  Most of the journal's that are at the top of the forum are newbies (like myself) and people who have relapsed and still struggling.  I was just thinking to myself last night, why have I not seen many success stories?  Does this really work and is this really the issue?  It was probably my brain trying to rationalize any type of fix i would give it  P, PMO, MO, fantasy anything.... 

Thanks again.  only a few more hours and day 7 will come to a close and i look forward to a successful day 8 and day 800. 

Thanks again all!

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #134 on: January 04, 2019, 09:50:12 PM »
Hey Pc

      thanks for taking an interest in my progress  There have been a few ups and down  but for the most part its been a huge improvement  in my life and outlook   this is my 3rd serious reboot attempt in just over  a year  and I feel more confident   I think thats because of the huge amount  of reading and educating myself I have done   My porn use was probably down by 80%  compared to the year before  and 2019 is shaping up to either be better or the best as in not using it period    I believe i did ready  ande comment on your journal although I cant quite remember the details   will have to have a 2nd look   As to your question  I believe it really does work  Its just very difficult to judge a timeline  I know a few of the guys   say a reboot in not a straight line and I agree with them    a curvy and hilly road still lead you home   just might take a little longer    keep up for day 8  and I'll pop in and say hi

     post often it helped me it will help you

BigMog

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #135 on: January 05, 2019, 07:38:02 AM »
I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later   I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later   delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't   over and over again   

This reminds me of that porn blocker I've installed in the past. Of course, I did it after relapsing, when the urges had calmed down but as soon as the strong urges hit me, I uninstalled the blocker right away, with trembling hands, the uninstalling was taking too long hahaha! It's crazy.

Hi, thanks for sharing, I can relate to both of these too. As a teenager I once had to make an excuse to my mother as to why I was rummaging in the dustbin! (I think it's "garbage-can" for US readers!). More recently, I've wasted hours trying to find p. even when I've not had access to a password to disable a blocker or filter. As you said, changemylife,  it's crazy!

I hope just by writing this down it will slightly reinforce my awareness of how crazy it is and help me continue with sober behaviour.

Keep to the winning ways!

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #136 on: January 05, 2019, 07:46:50 AM »
Good morning  Day 34 here   another good day yesterday

                               I find that the more reading I do  the more its sinking in  that its just no good   Porn in 2018 isnt  what it was 30 years ago on old vhs tapes and I think that might be part of the problem  It isnt  so much about  just having sex on camera now  its all about the fetish and niche  topics  and our need to also fill the curiosity  and find a new reality   I think when I came to that conclusion it  really opened my eyes  and made it easier to say this is wrong  its not real life    The more reading I have done the stronger i get in this fight


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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #137 on: January 06, 2019, 10:40:44 AM »
Day 35

             Went out last night  to see a friend's band play live music  in a local club.  Have not seen him or his band in some time.  Was also almost an experiment  in that  there were going to be potential triggers "girls in a club"   and of course there were triggers.     How I handled it....   I mad a plan of what I would do when I got home   ensuring  that  there wold still be someone up "my wife"  and knowing that my teenager daughter would be coming home from the movies  and pizza with her cousin and friends  shortly after so I knew  things would still be busy around the house.   Now with that been said  there were only a few triggers  because I was able to easily concentrate on spending time with friends who I haven't had a chance to  spend time with  much over the last several years due to many factors (mostly non p related    work schedule,  married life,  exc).  This made me feel pretty good about myself and way more confident  with conversing socially than before.  I attribute my  reboot process over the last who year for this.  So in the end I know some  triggers are not going to affect me but  other ones I do not know yet as I have no  experience with them yet  I'm going to give this some more thought today and come and post later

     Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #138 on: January 07, 2019, 08:49:55 AM »
Day 36   a good morning again   no triggers no urges  been chasing the wife around the house  again   she really seems to enjoy that   makes us both feel younger    Had a good solid workout this morning and a day full of things to do  Got my wife to start teaching me to  enter data into the computer for our business   My brainfog is all gone  and I have more confidence to learn new things   A really good feeling  for sure    Seems to be lots of topics to read about here these days and offer up insight and gain ideas from   I do find this always helps    will be around a bit later   cheers

       Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #139 on: January 08, 2019, 09:56:06 AM »
Day 37   Another good day beginning  did I lighter workout this morning as I really busted my but yesterday morning  so this morning was more to just keep moving and loosen up   not stress myself or reach an unatainable goal   I must say  I am now finding it easier each day to  not think about p  really the only time it enters my mind at the moment is when I am here  but  being here has allowed me to changing my thinking on p   Have done much reading on it  some really makes sense some is just rhetoric   and  people venting  but that is also very important

     There has been much talk  on and off since I began my reboot regarding disclosing  ones addiction   how to go about it    when  and to who   exc     Ive been told many of times that you must  disclose it to be free from it   In my story  my wife knew I searched a little porn before we  ever got serious.  I never hid from her that i looked at it over the years and she was fine with it    One of the reasons given for disclosing a porn addiction to a spouse  was "she should have the right to know  who else has been "sharing her husband"  and "who he has been getting off with" an interesting point for sure     My reasons over the years for surfing it were mainly loneliness   and boredom  lack of attn from gals growing up.  It was a good way of coping  and not hating on gals  for the way I was treated     I believe in my case I have basically disclosed  the fact that I was surfing porn.  I have also recently  informed her that it no longer interests me  to bother with it as I have  her (she has sent me many photos of herself  and loved posing  for me when I took some).   During this addiction I always made sure to put her 1st   never  chose the porn over her  or family.  I woiuld chase her around the house  when we 1st got together and I still do to this day    Never have I pushed to enact a porn scene while we were making love and both of us have been guilty of checking out members of the opposite sex while out and about(more me than her of course)  We are married not monks nuns  or dead    we always did it in fun  Were a little old fashioned  as were getting close on to 50 years of age  old ideas like "it doesnt matter where you get an appetite as long as your dining at home"  an old saying that came down through both our families   For better or for worse  this is a direction we will probably continue on in  Just mine side will no longer include pixels  and at this point  far less "noticing" while out in the world     We do belong to a Germanic club  in out city(Think Oktoberfest but  throughout most of the year)  The ladies where dresses  that shall we say  show more than the average dress   my wife included   So for me this is about giving  up something that wasted too many of my hours  and kept me from pursuing  some hobbies and interests  and losing  what could have been a much more productive social and professional life

         Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #140 on: January 09, 2019, 09:22:31 AM »
Day 38     moving right along    Got up early again  good workout  and feeling confident  Wife is starting to notice the change in physique  I think I am too   I certainly feel it  I move so much better   Body just feels different  6 weeks of working out I guess does that  i guess
  Yesterday had the occasional trigger  but nothing really led to an urge   Took note of it and put it out  behind me

     Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #141 on: January 10, 2019, 06:59:00 AM »
Day 39    up early again  and feeling confident    I truly believe I am well on my way  this time  My 1st reboot I allowed  a few p subs  during  specific times  where I knew they would  not send me to total relapse but it allowed me to take in a 120 day  reboot  which I  I think gave me the confidence to know I could really fight this battle   It totally broke many habits   It might be difficult for some to understand why I did it that away   I would watch video's of a gal working out while I worked out  I basically would use it for motivation  while working out  and found I was working out harder and longer    I think my relapse was more to do with  getting caught up in chats  that went the wrong way  the videos go back as far as last Feb  and I of course no longer watch them  and chat is becoming a thing of the distant past 1
      So now to take on the day

      Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #142 on: January 11, 2019, 01:42:32 PM »
Day 40  another 5 days and were at the half way mark   not much to say today other than wife and I had a romp last night   more of an impromtu  quickie   but was all good and fun   one of those spur of the moment  romps      I'm still feeling really good about this current reboot  in that there are no urges and so few triggers   perhaps the brain has been rewireing itself enough over the last year  to make the difference   we shall see I suppose

       post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #143 on: January 12, 2019, 09:20:08 AM »
Day 41    Saturday  feeling good   clean no urges and no triggers not sure what really to post  no one has commented in a week  so not really a conversation  to happen  Will keep soldiering on  for now    more reading  and watching the videos  and more reading up on healthy living

     Post often it helped me it will help you

Rex

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #144 on: January 12, 2019, 01:53:16 PM »
Day 41    Saturday  feeling good   clean no urges and no triggers not sure what really to post  no one has commented in a week  so not really a conversation  to happen  Will keep soldiering on  for now    more reading  and watching the videos  and more reading up on healthy living

     Post often it helped me it will help you

Joepanic,

Great work, you're doing great!  Remember it gets easier the more time passes by...  Keep up the good fight!
Rex
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BigMog

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #145 on: January 12, 2019, 05:38:05 PM »
Hi joepanic,
Rex is right, great work!

I've recently "fallen off the horse," but only temporarily, I hope.
I should have followed your "post often" mantra more thoroughly; it probably would have helped.


joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #146 on: January 13, 2019, 08:51:20 AM »
Day 42     nice to sleep in a bit on a Sunday  got up  and wow its cold outside    Thanks for tuning in Rex and BigMog   it always helps to  do this as a team   I found that coming here everyday  helped to keep me accountable   I'm starting to  look forward to posting in the success  area  I will probably wait till after 100 days  kind of be honoust with myself  that I really feel the difference  in kicking it for good  and that would mean  seeing  a major difference  in all other areas  of my life I am working on   At this point  its been over a year  since I began this journey   In that time I have  had a few clean spells  that were long enough to clear my head  and see the effects  p had on my life  I also know the triggers(which affect  me  less every day) know how to control the urges   understand   how easy it is to make good decisions without brain fog   learned so much more about  healthy living (even some advanced parts on building a better body) and have been so much more productive in my everyday living)   Keep at it guys  we can all do this   keep reading  and writing   learning and applying   We will all do this

      Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #147 on: January 14, 2019, 09:43:55 AM »
Day 43  coming up on the half way mark   up early into the home gym  weight still dropping but really slow at the moment   Ive heard this can happen when losing weight  you sometimes run into a plateau and they just take time to work through  must have patience there.    Still no urges   and triggers seem to be far and few between   but since starting this journey  I seem to just watch less on a screen in general    I still seem to watch women probably more than is considered appropriate  but never truly ogle or comment touch  or anything   This is something that has never bothered my wife as she is def known to check out a man  here and there too  and that never bothers me   I don't fantasize  over the women I notice   I dont even think I did it that much in the past  always having a wife I have been attracted to in every way   So the women I notice were never really triggers   I am fighting an addiction to porn  not  noticing women     Gonna head off to do a bit of reading and get a few chores  caught up

      Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #148 on: January 15, 2019, 06:53:29 AM »
Day 44 of current reboot   up early again  and feeling strong  no urges   no triggers   good mw    wife happy with that    she still does not know I am beating an addiction   she knows i used to surf "a little porn" I never hid that from her   she also  knows" i no longer bother watching it anymore"  not because I want to beat an addiction  but because  A   i dont need to  and B  it can slowly rewire a brain   and we have children so I dont need any slip  ups and they see something they shouldn't.   She also has seen  i big improvement in my health and  attitude  This is attributed to  me finding time and space to finally pursue  my hobby and passion of playing music   So all in all things  going very well

      Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #149 on: January 16, 2019, 10:35:38 AM »
reached day 45 this  morning  The  supposed  half way mark of a reboot   This is my 3rd serious attempt to give it up for good  and it has been much stronger and easier  with a ton of education and planning  that has gone along with it   This time round there has been no p subs   no m   and only o with my wife   I found myself with a ton of free time   so made sure to put it to good use working out  preparing the taxes for our business   getting  things in order in general  playing music  and time and again telling myself I don't need ,want or like p in my life   I suppose at one time there may have been a place for it in my wife's and my sex life   but the way the industry  has gone  its no longer about love making  on a screen  but about cramming you so full of the stuff  that it just messes you up

      Post often it helped me it will help you