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Day 66   Questions and more questions

     warning possible trigger alert

      Lets talk about my day yesterday and some observations.  It was the  1st day I can say I have had any  urges in several weeks.  I found myself wanting  to fall into an old habit  glancing at craigslist sites   checking an old email I used to use to hire a gal to come and clean while wearing a bikini or something  starting to think about some of the old fantasies  I used  to have   exc.  This went on for way over an hour.  I did not  hit the chat site and I did not see anything explicit or really anything visual that could be considered a p-sub to me.  But really this goes to show  how deep the memories just might be.  I was able to drag myself away from it all  without alot of trouble.  Funny thing is  the whole time it was still on my mind that this is wrong  in a marraige  this is wrong for me  its not how I want to spend my time. I   could feel the pull to it though.   I guess a memory in my brain was trying to  me it needed a dopamine fix.  Guess that part of my brain  wasnt strong enough to get its way.  It may also be a part of me  that I missed.  The ability to fill in some voids and be a person who I wanted to be"almost a "Playboy mentality" that many guys would have strived for at one time in their lives or another. For me the whole bikini maid  idea...  you know  the rich bachelor idea or the sexy exotic massuese.... That feeling that you are rich powerfull and in control of your own destiny.  At the end of the day these were just fantasies  and as I've said before  there is nothing wrong with fantasies as long as its something you can control.  Problem is is these things used to lead me down the road for hours and hours of porn  use looking for the equivelent of such fantasies  and we all know where that led to. So after a little while I just casually shut everything down  and sat thinking about the experience and hown it made me feel.  I was awake at 6 am yesterday  and in bed by 11 pm so being awake for 17 hours  and haveing that one hour experience compared to 3 months ago or 1 year ago or 17 years ago  and how that one hour  would have naturally  turned into four  five  or eight hours  but did not  shows how far I have come.  I will not consider this a relaps in any way  for a number of reasons   1 I did not seek out  porn  per say or start m'ing  during it  2 I did not  go to the old chat site and spend hours there   3 I actually felt I was in control of the situation  and was thinking about  the urges , why I might have been having them and putting into place the tools  needed to control them. 4 walking away from it in the end with reletive ease  realizing that  the part of my brain  that would noramlly be screaming for its dopamine hit  was able to barely give a whimper.  and 5 for the rest of the day I gave it a few thougths  on why it might have happened  and what to do about it, while still functioning at the increased rate I have been functioning at for the last several weeks    The only way I will consider this to be a relapse is if the behaviour  is to continue  or re occure at any time in the next 65 days.  What i learned yesterday should indeed help me to grow stronger  yet, to build on the strength  I have already gained

    What am I going to do about it?     1  deleted that old e-mail  2 look around the house and see what small tasks  perhaps needed to be done  that should be done on a regular basis   and do them today  and 3  thinhk more about it today   and if and how  I should react to  such an occurance.   I dont really know if it was that big of a deal to me   I felt no shame  or guilt over it   I did not mope  at all after the fact or feel as some say like "total shit"  after the fact   I just felt  there was no lobnger any point to it  and moved on.

   To me it looks like the days of PMO are history .

 Hey Freddie   thanks for tuning in     I agree with you on the fact  that social media can really have an effect on an addict(or anyone for that matter)
I think the most important part is in how we handle it.  It is a fact of life( this is where the 2nd essay of my day comes in i suppose)  So many things are ingrained into us and we are observent to so much in the outside world  just going about day to day its hard to filter through some of it .  In relation to  kicking a porn habit  I believe the battle needs to come from with in us  as much as from  the outside world.  Tkae my example  from a few weeks ago  on my mini vacation to an indoor waterpark resort. I saw  Hundreds of ladies  in swimwear.  Over the last 2 years I read and learned so much about what it really means to be a man  and thats   yes there are all these ladies in swimwear I see but I am not longer going to just descreetly stair and undress visually undress them  and ingrain  their images into my mind  but think  she looks nice but she is probably someones wife or daughter   and I have those already  and its enough   and move on to more pressing  things  like worrying about myself and the fact that I should be in better shape for various reasons.  And now perhaps  they will look at me  and do a double take.  I wont get in shape just fantasizing about other ladies but through hard work and dedication  and that takes concentration, something not found during fantasy.  I guess one of the major tools I learned was re-direction.
   As you read above in my experience yesterday I was constantly  thinking  this isnt what happends in a marraige,  No I am not a "millionaire playboy"  and neither is Mark Zuckerburg of Facebook fame  or Bill Gates of Microsoft    They are men who kept their eyes on the ball   and now they are billionaires and I'm going to try to think like them    Just food for thought

   So today I am going to redouble some efforts in getting a few things done and gain a better sense of accomplishment as that is also a tool i use.  a few weeks back I cleaned my garage like never before  prurged things I havent used in  years   and reorganized everything .  Afterwards for 2 days I would just open the doop and look at the wonder out there I created out of chaos and find a massive feeling of satisfaction   Today I will attempt the same at something

    On the healthfront

   woke up weighing at in 241 lbs even  another new low from Jan 1st weigh in of 262.4 lbs

     did 30 minutes on the bike program level 7

    rearranged the routine as it allowed me to lift slightly heavier weights safely

     70lb clean and press
     70lb bench press
     50lb leg extension
     130lb  deadlift
      75lb peck deck
     130lb seated pull down(much like a  chin up)   (1 set of 5)

     all others done with 3 sets of 8


       Post often it helps me it helps you


Day 69  still 100% clean
                         No insight today all is good

     On the healthfront its the long weekend here in Canada so no real workouts   woke up weighing in at 240lbs even  a new low on a Jan 1st weigh in of 262.4lbs


     Post often it helps me it helps you

Day 70  same as day 69

     nothing to really report today  just posting from a feeling of obglication that I should  post
   weighed in at 240.2  a touch over yesterday  60 minutes on the bike  break from weight traingin for a few days   sore arm


    Post often it helps me it helps you

Day 71  less than 3 weeks till 90 days

       Moving right along  did some more reading and I suppose I'll post something more than I have the last few days   The topic might be a bit contentious but it is what it is   The amount of sex people either get or expect.  I read several partners  journals and see the same thing quite often.  They sight their lack of sex from their porn addicted partner as a major issue   one was saying her and her partner would do it  "days in a row" . Sounds great to me.  In my marraige of  almost 13 years   we average perhaps once a week   and in times where one of us is sick or  we are so busy as a family it can be slightly less.  I would love to doi it 2 or 3 or more times a week  but I have a wife who doesnt  have that strong of a libido.  But I would never conmplain.  All  through my addiction I never put her second to porn  in fact  in those times  where sex dwindled to twice a month  is when I found myself drawn to it.  Say what you will but it sure beat pushing her  for something she was not ready to give.  It certainly is not ideal  but when your an "addict " well its just another trigger.  Having done a ton of reading  it all comes down to the same thing    Even in a healthy  relationship without a man who is addicted to porn  if he is looking for more than she can or is willing to give  he must  live with it when she is not interested.  But Its very rare  when a lady is looking for more than a man is able to or willing to  give.  Most men would die for it.  In the partners section  many complain about not getting enough.  In the male addict section  many men sight their partners lack of interest as a contributing factor.  Now I'm sure  the reason for her lack of interest is  he is looking at others.... but what about those who were not addicted  when they got together.  The same goes for the initiation question.  My wife simply does not initiate  and I always felt like that was  a sort of control she needed "You need  to ask for it"   what what it felt like.  I manned up years ago  to discuss that   and basically it was not going to be discussed  so I learned to live with it.  But at times as an "addict" it was just another trigger.  Finding girls on a screen who seemed willing to  initiate and looked like they were having the time of their lives.  Once again I am not here to debate weather that was right or wrong but to point out that it was a trigger.  One might say "well why not discuss that those issues might drive you to porn?   Why should one have to  when other discussions are "off limits"   I had this little discussion on this journal several weeks ago with someone from the partners section over why I chose not to tell my wife I  was addicted to porn and  am now recovering from it.  I think I recall saying something like when my wife  decides to  have certain converations and give me honoust answers to my questions  than I'll gladly admit I was a porn addict.  It seems the partner I was having the conversation with  never responded to that one. This brings me to the comment that  I am here to kick porn   not work on my relationship or have someone else tell me what is right for my relationship.    Things may change someday  but at the moment I'm looking to hit 90 clean  days of no porn  and no pmo

      on the health front  woke up this morning weighing in at 298.8lbs  a new low from Jan 1st weigh in of 262.4lbs  I'm not wishing I had been able to  begin the  health portion of my  changing life back on Dec 10th  2019   the day after my last day of porn.

     did 20 minutes on the bike program level 7

     full regiment of weight training
      6 km walk as I had some errands to run  and throught I would save the environment  and leave the car at home(as well as a couple of bucks worth of gas)


     Post often it helps me it helps you

Day 72 tough couple of days on the homefront from raising a teenager who knows it all in the world  but has no job

    But in the end it did not trigger me into porn in any way   Nowadays it seems the only time porn is on my mind is when I come here  and most reasons I come here these days is for a chance to just write my thopughts on a number of topics  some dont even really have anything to do with porn. But it has all aided in my recovery  from porn addiction.

  A quick recap   addicted for 35 years since being a young teenager  magazines to vhs to pics on internet to tube streams   all the while  progressing to harder core fetishes exc.  Brain messed up   never experienced PIED (dam lucky)  but tons of wasted time and opertunity in the end it was 3, 4, 5, sometimes more times a week anywhere from 1 to 6 or 7 hours  of edging  and constant changing  of scenes.  Dec 23rd 2017  descovered this sight and other info  on the addiction  made decisoon to  change for the better  began recovery   had a few slips   learned a huge amount   Come Dec 10 2019  began most recent  reboot   feel that its 100% on track for total success.    no urges  very few triggers    lost 23 lbs   learning new skills  much better outlook on life  and even better sex life  with wife(although she knew I surfed a little porn before and during our marraige   she never felt it to be a problem)  I did not tell her I was actually addicted  and I fought it alone  and plan to keep it that way.

    This sort of brings me to the point regarding telling ones spouse about their addiction and reasons to and not to.  I think we know some of the reasons some dont.  Fear  humiliation   relationship breakdown   exc.  Now about the reasons to bring it forawrd...   ONe main one is given over and over again  and thats   If the shoe was on the other foot.   If your spouse was having a major problem  wouldnt you want to know  about it.  Well that is an easyquestion  for someone who doesnt have a major problem to  ask.  Just as the addict does not always know what the partnwer is feeling   enither does a partner know what the addict is feeling.  The 2 can not be  compared.   Sure I could easily say If my wife was cheating I might have an understanding as to why she is  as I am an addict(and as most partners here  will say(porn is akin to cheating and breaking marraige vows exc) So I understand the science  and reasoning behind such behaviour.   But untill you have been there I dont think its fair to say you know all the facts.  For sure some they  have stated that they strayed in to porn  because of the behaviour of their spouse(lack of sex  in a marraige probably being the number one reason)  so imagine that    now we would be into the blame game territory and the fireworks would really start.  So for those who chose to tell   than more power to you  for those who dont   I dont believe  you should be told your wrong for your decision.  Perhaps   complete your reboot   become a better person and than  consider any further steps.

    On the health front   woke up this morning weighing in at 238.8lbs  same as yesterday  the new low from Jan 1st weigh in of 262.4lbs

    did 30 minutes in the bike  program level 7   an easy day  as well as a 4 km walk

    will do weight training tomorrow


      Post often it helps me it helps you


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