Author Topic: Please do not reply in this journal. I'm not ready for replies. (PM's are ok)  (Read 1727 times)

Hand Solong

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 I recently watched a Noah B.E. Church video on youtube and it inspired me to take up a journal. Please no replies, words of encouragement, etc. At least not in this subject. I would very much like a place where I can place my thoughts and feelings without feedback. Thank you all in advance.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 01:09:07 PM by Hand Solong »

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2017, 10:25:06 PM »
If I didn’t have Net Nanny and Open DNS it’s likely that I would be Fapping at this very moment. I know, from past experience, that I can still access “provocative” content. What I can’t do is follow my habituall fap routine of surfing to one of a handful of my favorite websites and then losing myself into the enormity of the World Wide (pornogtaphic) Web. Knowing that I can not follow my routine has really lessened my interest in fapping. I’m thankful for the reprieves that Net Nanny and Open DNS provided me with in 2017
« Last Edit: December 28, 2017, 07:49:42 AM by Hand Solong »

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2017, 08:09:08 AM »
When I started this journal I knew that I didn't want any feedback.

After making last night's entry I came to remember/realize why I don't want feedback and also why the "I'm not ready for replies" statement hit the nail on the head.

Earlier this year, I'd say roughly 6 months or so ago, I quit social media. I deleted all of my profiles and have been living social media free ever since. One of my key reasons for quitting social media was to escape the constant internal struggle to......check. Check for a like. Check for a comment. Check for notifications. Check, check, check,check, check!

My first attempt at journaling on this forum plunged me back into that constant internal struggle to......check (for replies).

I don't want that struggle. I'm not ready to manage that struggle.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2017, 09:44:36 PM »
Short Term Goals

It's been like....I don't know...let's just say 3 weeks give or take. Three weeks ago I concluded that I need to take my showers in the evening before I go to bed instead of showering in the morning. I still haven't done it. Not once. That's the kind of bullshit that 30 years of this addiction can produce. I have a 21 day (and counting) lag between making a decision and taking action.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2017, 07:31:28 PM »
The Million Dollar Question

Why me?

- I can not remember how old I was but, I was in grade school.
- My addiction started with undergarment advertisements in the newspaper....that I do remember.
- There were no porn stashes available for me to discover. I was the sole child of a single mom.
- By the time I was 15 my media use expanded into music videos. I was enraptured by the female dancers in MC Hammer (and others) videos.

I was an addict then. Everyone, including myself was clueless. I consistently sought out provocative media to MO to. And when I would find novel media it would take hold of me and dominate my thoughts and motivations until I could generate enough privacy to MO.

So....why me? Why was I so susceptible to this "enslavement" while others who were exposed to the same media in much of the same ways as I was were able to consume them without being consumed by them?

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2018, 08:02:49 AM »
Arrrrggggggghhhh!!!

I got knocked down on Sunday night. It's amazing how something so simple as a "thought" can knock you down if you're not prepared for it. I was just sitting there minding my own business and then WHAM! A new "search string" popped inside my head. The compulsion feelings took over so forcefully and swiftly that.......

I spent the better part of my Monday battening down the hatches. (In opendns and net nanny) I closed off the way I got in on Sunday and tried to anticipate other means and eliminate them as well.

I had a nice 9 day run going. I can do better, and I will.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2018, 08:31:44 AM »
Alright!

It's good to be back. I haven't posted mainly because I've been finding reasons not to get in front of a computer lately. I'm proud to say that I have successfully achieved 23 days of "sobriety." Now I must admit that I've had a little help, and I'll explain.

Making a long story short. Roughly 10 years ago I was prescribed Bupropion (Zyban, Welbutrin...etc.) for smoking cessation. Bupropion is an antidepressant. I noticed that the drug not only helped with dulling the urge to smoke but it also helped dull the urge to PMO (along with a few other positives).

I had some successes and failures since I was first introduced to Buprpion. I've also started and stopped taking the medication multiple times over the years. Five months ago I got serious again about quitting smoking, and Bupropion helped me to become smoke free over the past 4 months (my longest period of being smoke free by FAR). I stopped the medication within a month of  quitting smoking. I recently decided to start the medication again in an effort to kick-start  the NOFAP/NOPMO life that I want.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2018, 08:59:16 AM »
Dilema


The McAfee antivirus protection on my home computer has expired. Instead of renewing it for a fee, I remembered that my cable company offers McAfee Antivirus as part of the overall subscription service that I have with them. I've downloaded the program and have tried to execute it multiple times over the past two days but I'm being met with an error that briefly states that the program is unable to communicate with the server. I use OpenDNS and NetNanny as deterrents for porn surfing. I've found that in very rare instances one or both will prevent me from doing something legitimate online. Not in a sense that I'm presented with a clear "This Website is blocked" message, but they somehow cause things to not work properly behind the scenes. One of the most notable times was that it/they prevented me from accessing a secure website to continue my mortgage application. I need to turn them off briefly so that I can install McAfee. I keep their very long and complex login information at work. Just the mere THOUGHT of bringing the password home conjured up the compulsion feelings. How did I get myself caught up in this nonsense?

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2018, 04:28:00 PM »
Back to Day 1....but not Square 1.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2018, 07:37:41 AM »
Ahhhh....it's good to be back. I've been absent from this forum for a good while mainly because of shame however, with 14 solid PMO-free days under my belt, I'm starting to feel a little better about myself. I seem to have finally gotten my internet filtering situation under control. I had to say goodbye completely to Apple iOS and embrace Android. So with a new LG cell phone, and a new Samsung Tablet I've finally gotten Net Nanny to work as intended. Fourteen days of sobriety is a big deal for me. I can't recall the last time (if ever), I've gone so long without porn. I've been overly irritable at times but I'm okay.

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2019, 06:45:03 PM »
I'm going to politely request again that readers do not reply in this journal. PM's are okay.


Thanks in advance.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 01:08:15 PM by Hand Solong »

Hand Solong

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Re: Please do not reply. I'm not ready for replies.
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2019, 01:07:41 PM »
I just spent the better part of my lunch break performing searches in these forums. I was hoping that someone's story contained some of the behaviors I was a part of and that they described it in enough detail so that I could get aroused and catch a "buzz."  It's going to be a really lonely road if I have to block this forum so that my addiction doesn't push me to search for triggers.

I feel dejected.

Hand Solong

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I'm 10 days in. Hard Mode (I think). I haven't relapsed but I've definitely substituted M'ing myself to death with eating myself to death. Is this happening to anyone else? My cravings for restaurant foods have gone through the roof.

I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I keep telling myself that it's just withdrawal causing me to think those thoughts.

I've never been a drug addict but I did experiment with cocaine a dozen times give or take. I usually acted out when I did experiment.....surprise, surprise! I keep having drug thoughts/cravings and I haven't touched the stuff in over a decade. Thoughts of ways I acted out when I experimented have flooded my consciousness occasionally throughout these past 9 days.

I tried to attend an SA meeting last night but only two others were there and it wrapped up just as I walked in the door (about 10 minutes late). They told me about an SAA meeting tonight that I'm considering attending. I've tried twelve step before but it didn't really work for me. I'm returning to them because I've been feeling strong cravings to just interact with people. It's a little scary because I'm an African American on Long Island (NY) and from what I've experienced so far since moving here in 2013 is that black and white don't really intermingle out here. I'm probably going to have a drink beforehand to find the nerve to go in. I had two drinks last night before going to the SA meeting.

Thanks for reading.

Hand Solong

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Day 14

Still going strong. Yes!

It amazes me how there are people in these forums that bounce around in threads giving "advice" and offering the ways in which they combat the addiction yet they've relapsed like  4 times so far this year. SMH! I just want to tell them to go sit down somewhere and read. Don't talk! Just read!

LoL

MadelynMcDermott

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Re: Please do not reply in this journal. I'm not ready for replies. (PM's are ok)
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2019, 05:48:21 AM »
Why are we not getting anything from it? It's all about doing it from https://edubirdie.org/what-is-edubirdie/ and then starting something from it. It's wht I mean to do and I will be asking all the people for it.