This addiction isn't me.

U

Username

Guest
Hello everyone,

My name is Jack. I've turned 24 not long ago. And I will keep this first post very simple. There's no need to elaborate just now.

Ever since I had my first computer with internet access at the age of 10, I was looking for pornographic material.
I've developed an addiction over the years that definitely contributed to my seclusion during my teen years. Porn was one of my most time-consuming activities besides pitying myself. I had no self-esteem.
Right now, I'm a university student and am just two semesters away from finally reaching my first degree.
I share a flat with my girlfriend whom I met about three years ago. Even though she's older than me, we are the first partner to each other.
And I betray her. I've had my share of longer and shorter streaks but in the end, I've always turned back to the screen and went from bikini shots to erotic literature to hardcore porn. And of course, I felt like a piece of shit after each relapse. Yet I didn't stop.

At the beginning of 2014, I registered on another website and remained clean - by this I mean really clean - for almost 60 days. That was my best so far. 
But I relapsed heavily and turned my back on the forum. That just sent me further down the spiral because obviously, talking to folks with similar problems was more important to me than I expected.
So this it. I will try to be active every day in order to remind myself that I have to fight this addiction 24/7.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it.

Yours
Jack

-------------------------------------------------------------

Milestones taken since I've joined RebootNation:

1 week (7 days, 3x)
2 weeks (14 days, 3x)
3 weeks (21 days)
4 weeks (28 days)
5 weeks (35 days)
6 weeks (42 days)
7 weeks (49 days)
8 weeks (56 days)
9 weeks (63 days)
10 weeks (70 days)
11 weeks (77 days)
12 weeks (84 days)
13 weeks (91 days)
14 weeks (98 days)
15 weeks (105 days)
16 weeks (112 days)
17 weeks (119 days)
18 weeks (126 days)
19 weeks (133 days)
20 weeks (140 days)

Overview of days since I've joined RebootNation (goal: no MO using artificial stimulation, no watching P, MO/sex is allowed):

18th Aug 14: clean
19th Aug 14: clean
20th Aug 14: clean
21st Aug 14: clean
22nd Aug 14: clean
23rd Aug 14: clean
24th Aug 14: clean (1 week)
25th Aug 14: clean
26th Aug 14: clean
27th Aug 14: clean
28th Aug 14: clean
29th Aug 14: clean
30th Aug 14: clean
31st Aug 14: clean (2 weeks)

1st Sep 14: clean
2nd Sep 14: edged a little too much
3rd Sep 14: relapsed, watched P for 1.5 hrs and MO'ed once afterwards (16 days streak ended)
4th Sep 14: clean
5th Sep 14: clean
6th Sep 14: clean
7th Sep 14: clean
8th Sep 14: clean
9th Sep 14: clean
10th Sep 14: clean (1 week)
11th Sep 14: clean
12th Sep 14: clean
13th Sep 14: clean
14th Sep 14: clean
15th Sep 14: clean
16th Sep 14: clean
17th Sep 14: clean (2 weeks)
18th Sep 14: clean
19th Sep 14: clean
20th Sep 14: clean
21st Sep 14: clean
22nd Sep 14: clean
23rd Sep 14: clean
24th Sep 14: edged a little to much and watched unintentionally 10 sec. at P, MO'd to erotic literature (21 days streak ended)
25th Sep 14: MO'd to softcore video on YouTube
26th Sep 14: clean
27th Sep 14: clean
28th Sep 14: clean
29th Sep 14: clean
30th Sep 14: clean

1st Oct 14: clean
2nd Oct 14: clean (1 week)
3rd Oct 14: clean
4th Oct 14: clean
5th Oct 14: clean
6th Oct 14: clean
7th Oct 14: clean
8th Oct 14: clean
9th Oct 14: clean (2 weeks)
10th Oct 14: clean
11th Oct 14: clean
12th Oct 14: clean
13th Oct 14: clean
14th Oct 14: clean
15th Oct 14: clean
16th Oct 14: clean (3 weeks)
17th Oct 14: clean
18th Oct 14: clean
19th Oct 14: clean
20th Oct 14: clean
21st Oct 14: clean
22nd Oct 14: clean
23rd Oct 14: clean (4 weeks)
24th Oct 14: clean
25th Oct 14: clean
26th Oct 14: clean
27th Oct 14: clean
28th Oct 14: clean
29th Oct 14: clean
30th Oct 14: clean (5 weeks)
31th Oct 14: clean

1st Nov 14: clean
2nd Nov 14: clean
3rd Nov 14: clean
4th Nov 14: clean
5th Nov 14: clean
6th Nov 14: clean (6 weeks)
7th Nov 14: clean
8th Nov 14: clean
9th Nov 14: clean
10th Nov 14: clean
11th Nov 14: clean
12th Nov 14: clean
13th Nov 14: clean (7 weeks)
14th Nov 14: clean
15th Nov 14: clean
16th Nov 14: clean
17th Nov 14: clean
18th Nov 14: clean
19th Nov 14: clean
20th Nov 14: clean (8 weeks)
21st Nov 14: clean
22nd Nov 14: clean
23rd Nov 14: clean
24th Nov 14: clean
25th Nov 14: clean
26th Nov 14: clean
27th Nov 14: clean (9 weeks)
28th Nov 14: clean
29th Nov 14: clean
30th Nov 14: clean

1st Dec 14: clean
2nd Dec 14: clean
3rd Dec 14: clean
4th Dec 14: clean (10 weeks)
5th Dec 14: clean
6th Dec 14: read a couple of sex-related articles
7th Dec 14: clean
8th Dec 14: read a couple of sex-related articles
10th Dec 14: clean
11th Dec 14: clean
12th Dec 14: clean (11 weeks)
13th Dec 14: clean
14th Dec 14: clean
15th Dec 14: clean
16th Dec 14: clean
17th Dec 14: clean
18th Dec 14: clean
19th Dec 14: clean (12 weeks)
20th Dec 14: clean
21th Dec 14: clean
22th Dec 14: clean
23th Dec 14: clean
24th Dec 14: clean
25th Dec 14: clean (90 days)
26th Dec 14: clean (13 weeks)
27th Dec 14: clean
28th Dec 14: clean
29th Dec 14: clean
30th Dec 14: clean
31th Dec 14: clean

1st Jan 15: clean
2nd Jan 15: clean (14 weeks)
3rd Jan 15: clean
4th Jan 15: clean (100 days)
5th Jan 15: clean
6th Jan 15: clean
7th Jan 15: clean
8th Jan 15: clean
9th Jan 15: clean (15 weeks)
10th Jan 15: clean
11th Jan 15: clean
12th Jan 15: clean
13th Jan 15: clean
14th Jan 15: clean
15th Jan 15: clean
16th Jan 15: clean (16 weeks)
17th Jan 15: clean
18th Jan 15: clean
19th Jan 15: clean
20th Jan 15: clean
21th Jan 15: clean
22nd Jan 15: clean
23rd Jan 15: clean (17 weeks)
24th Jan 15: clean
25th Jan 15: clean
26th Jan 15: clean
27th Jan 15: clean
28th Jan 15: clean
29th Jan 15: clean
30th Jan 15: clean (18 weeks)
31th Jan 15: clean

1st Feb 15: clean
2nd Feb 15: clean
3rd Feb 15: clean
4th Feb 15: clean
5th Feb 15: clean
6th Feb 15: clean (19 weeks)
7th Feb 15: clean
8th Feb 15: edged a little
9th Feb 15: edged a little
10th Feb 15: edged a little
11th Feb 15: clean
12th Feb 15: clean
13th Feb 15: clean (20 weeks)
14th Feb 15: clean
15th Feb 15: clean
 

noises1990

Active Member
Hey there Jack! Welcome to the Reboot nation Family! I suppose that you already know what you need to know about our "issue". If not, visit the YBOP website www.yourbrainonporn.com for awesome articles written mostly by people that have overcome this problem.

I wish you all the best and hope you'll have a speedy recovery!
 

ksempai

Active Member
Hey Jack

I've gone through a similar bout. My most accomplishing effort has been about 60 days also. I completely understand how hard it is to kick yourself out of it following that so I take my hat off to you for accomplishing that goal in itself. It took me a couple of months with countless relapses in that time and trying different forums until I finally kicked myself back into gear.

If anything though, don't think that that time at all has been a failure. I've found it's given me the magical power of 'hindsight' having already done this part of the journey once. I'm still going through the same struggles and ups and downs, but I've got a different perspective of them now.

Power to your forward progression and I look forward to following your story.

Best wishes.
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
We're always learning, and if you're learning you're making progress, even through relapse.

Welcome to the forum :)
 
U

Username

Guest
Thank you all for the warm welcome, I'm glad there are places like this.

noises:
Been there, read that. But you are right, back when I visited YBOP for the first time, it was revelatory. You always think that you're the only creep around until you go and search the web for something... ,-)

ksempai:
It's always good to talk to someone who's in the same position. I've been trying to quit porn for three years but never had so many relapses like just now. However, maybe that's what I needed. I can't deny anymore that I'm having a serious problem here. Also, it helps me to understand different addictions in other people.
I keep reminding myself of how good it would feel to reach a hundred clean days. And another hundred after that. And so on. It's really encouraging.
 
U

Username

Guest
Alright!
It accomplished the first goal of going one week without any erotic material even though I was quite a bit anxious all the time.
I'm going abroad for four months in little more than a week and it'll be my first experience of this kind so I'm struggling to prepare myself properly.
Maybe leaving my usual environment behind for more than just a couple days will prove to be even more encouraging to re-invent myself. I'm optimistic!
 
U

Username

Guest
That was a close shave.
Because I'm feeling frustrated due to some medical conditions, I was just about to relapse. I even started to browse the WikiCommons sites which more than once finally led me towards real porn. But I'm back on track so far. I won't be dominated by the temptation anymore.
 
U

Username

Guest
This is challenging. Yesterday I watched an interview with a foreign TV host (quite attractive to modern standards) and found myself looking at bikini shots of her for 15 to 30 minutes. I didn't go any further but felt the impact of succumbing to my urges nonetheless when today, I've been hardly able to concentrate on anything besides ogling at women I saw on the street.
Quitting porn is no good unless I'm serious about it. No more artificial stimulation (bikini shots, paparazzi shots, underwear shots etc.). If I consider a real woman in everyday life attractive, I don't mind throwing a glance though. Ogling like a drooling idiot, however, is just as bad as porn.
 
U

Username

Guest
There it goes again, I relapsed yesterday. The day before, I was too sure of myself and allowed myself to watch maybe half an hour of an erotic drama movie on the TV.
Obviously, that was too much. After midnight, I started watching softcore porn on the TV again and turned on my computer afterwards. It all went downhill from there.
I haven't been consistent enough so far. That has to change. I'm very sorry for everyone I disappointed - that applies especially to my girlfriend. Even though I have doubts about the prospects of our relationship, she doesn't deserve a wimp like I am right now.
So, back to level 1. From now on, instead of using a counter, I will keep records of each day above, in the original post.
 
U

Username

Guest
Due to the fact that I'm somewhat confused about several things, I didn't hold my guard up enough and MO'd to artificial stimuli today and yesterday.
I know that I'm likely to relapse under difficult circumstances and yet didn't resist. I am disappointed by myself. However, I will try my best not to resort to the real deal. I know I can do it! The past three weeks have not been in vain!
 
U

Username

Guest
Today was my first day of actually trying not to check out girls on the street, as weird as that sounds. It was even harder than I expected it to be. Still, it felt perfectly appropriate and looking straight ahead instead of keeping my head down might even be used as a metaphor.
Each day I try to remind myself of the person I would like to be. If I sink into my pillow at night after a day of being closer to that guy, I'm satisfied. Looking at the past 1.5 months is encouraging because I see so many "green" days. There were, however, the "red" ones, days I succumbed to my self-destroying urges. Still, I feel like I'm really making some progress.
 

Mbg

Active Member
Hi Jack! I really like and admire your enthusiasm.  You have a positive attitude.  If I may suggest, have you looked into Sex Addicts Anonymous?  I always recommend it to anyone on this forum who is serious about recovering from their addiction.  I go to 2 meetings every week and it has been a tremendous help.  It's a face to face experience with people like us that you can't get on any forum.  https://saa-recovery.org/ here is the link to their website.  You can search for a meeting in your area.  If you can't find one near you, you can do a tele meeting also.  If you're not religious it is still a big help.  I'm as atheist as they come and yet just being able to listen and share with others my experience has given me so much encouragement.  It's very similar to AA or NA.
 
U

Username

Guest
Thanks Mbg, I appreciate your input and kind worts. I was even thinking about SAA, however, I'm currently abroad for only a couple of months and would consider joining such a meeting only at home. So far, the mere fact of being settled in another environment is encouraging. There are a couple of things not going perfectly right now, but still I tend to show more discipline in some ways (exercising, staying clear of porn, useful activities in my spare time). It's still 2.5 months to go and I have a feeling that those weeks will be crucial to my recovery. If I can make it under these "more challenging circumstances", I can certainly maintain that attitude when I'm back home.
 
U

Username

Guest
Alright, time for another journal entry.
My girlfriend visited me over the past five days and definitely helped me to keep up my motivation. I felt good about myself, had more confidence and was also in better shape between the sheets. Even though there is still room for improvement, what I saw was a step into the right direction.
Tomorrow I'm going to reach the first clean 21 days in ages, it means a lot to me. I believe I'm probably going to have quite a considerable workload over the next weeks therefore distraction in challenging situation shouldn't be hard to find. Also, I picked up swimming again (couple of times per week) which further boosts my confidence. I feel more energetic and disciplined. Just as my signature says, I feel like I'm on the right track.
 
U

Username

Guest
Four weeks! Sounds trivial, but the last time I managed to achieve that mark was half a year ago so I'm quite excited.
Anyway, I definitely have urges and cravings right now, most likely due to a lot of things on my mind. Thus my brain tries to trick me into a quick relief of all woes and worries - not in my hood, pal!
Next preliminary goal: six weeks.
 
U

Username

Guest
I had to re-join Facebook yesterday because I apparently somehow managed to lose my mobile. Boy, how did I not miss that website. Not only because in terms of privacy, but also because of the content. Triggers all over the place. You meet some nice people, preferably female, and try not to reduce them to their looks and then - bathing suit photos as profile photos...the hell? I caught myself nearly stalking (that's what Facebook is about) those women all of a sudden...I'm disgusted of myself at moments like those. And as if to prove that point, I had vivid erotic dreams last night including ejaculation - something I haven't had for weeks. What some rather short glances can do, right? Bah.

Anyway, the next days/weeks will give me the opportunity that I can be as discliplined as I want to regarding my online behavior. Facebook as a - sometimes necessary - means of simple communication, fine. But everything else on that website is just plain wrong. I really come to detest Generation Smartphone.

Einstein.jpg
 
U

Username

Guest
6 weeks. This feels like a landmark to me.
There are still drawbacks from time to time and I'm definitely not done yet with objectifying women. Still, I'm on my way and haven't watched porn in six weeks even though I could have done so easily throughout the time (since I have my own place again, at least temporarily) - that deserves a pat on the back in my eyes. However, I'll push some more to succeed. No porn again. NEVER!
Ultimately, I've finally developed some solid mindset towards porn. This wasn't the case before.
Next up on the menu: 8 weeks. I won't see my girlfriend until the second half of December - on that very day I could reach the benchmark of 12 weeks. What a rewarding number that would be!
 
U

Username

Guest
Okay, everything's fine on the porn front. Some minor triggers but I wasn't really tempted to put all my progress at stake.
However, I'd like to mention one thing to be honest with myself and also the other RN members. Currently, I live in an accommodation with shared laundry facilities. As you would expect, all the tenants leave accidently clothes behind which are then stored in a shelf nearby. Aaand that also involves female underwear, for example fancy thongs with laces and all that. Well, I walked in some times just to look for that to stir up my fantasy. At least I wouldn't take anything or do something with it, but I'm still appalled that I even went into that room with the only goal of seeing if there is fancy underwear laying around. This kind of behavior is definitely counter-productive and I thus pledge to stop it immediately. Could be the first link in a chain leading to relapses, and I'm not going to take that road again.
This is my 53th day and it was around this mark when I failed during my last rather long streak in March or April. So it's getting really serious from here. Now is the time to make a difference!
Thanks for reading.
 
U

Username

Guest
Eight weeks and I'm hungry to press on, more encouraged than ever.
My 90th day would be the day before Christmas Eve, wouldn't that be a great present I could make myself? .-)
 
U

Username

Guest
I can hardly believe that this my 60th day with porn already, beating my previous best after more than half a year of constant struggle. Still, I'm aware that I mustn't become self-righteous here. Especially communicating via FB poses a major challenge and I thus decided to install Image Block to minimize triggers as much as I can. My view toward sexuality has not completely changed yet but I'm not the right way for sure.
Let's tread this path some more (yes, I'm reading The Lord of the Rings right now...)!
 
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