Author Topic: How are you handeling the holidays?  (Read 1436 times)

aquarius25

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How are you handeling the holidays?
« on: December 05, 2017, 06:38:06 PM »
I just wanted to start a thread about the holidays. I know we are all in different places in our recoveries and the holidays can be great or very triggering. I just wanted to start a conversation about it. Where are at regarding the holidays? What support do you need?

For me, I am in a much better place this year. We are getting ready to fly home for a 3-week visit and I am sure when I am there I will experience a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. I am currently working on doing what I can to prepare for that as well as all of the other factors of craziness this time of year brings, lol.

Kimba

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2017, 05:10:44 PM »
I’m sure it’s going to be better than last year as we went to Vietnam and even though it’s a lovely place for a holiday I was still very much in pain and close to leaving the relationship. The Vietnamese women are tiny and lovely but also like to pay attention to my partner plus at the airports are all the VC stores and the timing was terrible, my fault though I booked it hoping it would bring as together but it totally did not. This year we are spending with family and things seem better so it should be fine, we are still not 100% as u all know but we are in a better place !  Just a break from work as we work together will be much needed I think we spend far too much time together  ::) It’s good to hear things have improved so much for u A25 :)
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth

Hypatia156

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2017, 12:07:23 AM »
Handling ok. Things are going pretty good right now, but it is still hard for me. The constant vigilance is starting to get to me again a bit. Holidays make it harder as my husband is an introvert and each time we have to spend time with people he has to have his "down time" which in the past has always been porn.

I'm wishing all of you a safe, happy holiday and I hope that it will go ok for us all.


raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2017, 01:58:27 AM »
Hypatia, Wanted to share with you that I am introvert, too.  So I'm trying to think about what I would do at these functions. I try to find a person that I can connect with deeply and have a deeper conversation - but then I'm a woman - don't know how helpful  a male introvert would find this advice.

There are other ways to get buy at difficult functions. I used to cope with social functions by drinking wine as a social lubricant. I don't have that option anymore so I have to dig in deep and figure out other ways to deal with uncomfortable situations.  One would be to not go to all of them if that worked for you - just the ones that mean a lot to you.  But that might not work for you.  Another is to have an activity to do like helping with the dishes when invited as a guest to someone's home (or any other helpful activity).  Bringing a camera and taking pictures of what is going on.  Any sort of hobby works.  Is he into sports?  checking sports scores on the phone, talking sports with others, etc.  When I stopped drinking I threw myself into learning new things. One was football.  I can also talk football as small talk. I love learning about it. 

One basic thing that is immensely helpful for me is developing new hobbies and new interests. They distract from the urges to self-medicate with one's drug of choice. 

Also, mindfulness activities are really good.  Using the time to be aware of one's breath is really a great workout for developing tolerance during uncomfortable situations. 

The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2017, 02:01:01 AM »
Kimba,
Quote
I’m sure it’s going to be better than last year as we went to Vietnam and even though it’s a lovely place for a holiday I was still very much in pain and close to leaving the relationship. The Vietnamese women are tiny and lovely but also like to pay attention to my partner plus at the airports are all the VC stores and the timing was terrible, my fault though I booked it hoping it would bring as together but it totally did not
Wow, I'm sorry this happened last year.  I can relate in that it has been my inclination to do a getaway as a way to connect.  But it can be hard because the triggers are everywhere. 

I'm so glad this year is going better for you! Hope you have really nice time to connect with your husband and family!
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2017, 02:02:56 AM »
Aquarius,
Quote
We are getting ready to fly home for a 3-week visit and I am sure when I am there I will experience a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. I am currently working on doing what I can to prepare for that as well as all of the other factors of craziness this time of year brings, lol.
  I'll be sending you good vibes for your trip!!  I know what you mean about the roller coaster of emotions.  I hope it wont be too bad and that what you do experience helps you with your recovery.  Wishing you and your family all the best!
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2017, 02:21:28 AM »
I'm keeping it simple and focused on my recovery. For Christmas I asked for couple counseling - starting next week, then the day after Christmas and then on new years day!  No better way to celebrate the holidays than by keeping it real and prioritizing what is most important - peace of mind! 

I'm going to focus on making sure I do my brain exercises and walk everyday. 
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

aquarius25

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2017, 08:43:06 AM »
Thanks Raven for the encouragement. Holidays are tough sometimes.

Our 14 year wedding anniversary is on Sunday. We aren't really doing anything for several reasons. One is a bunch of our customers in our business have decided not to pay so money is a bit tight but we are making it work. So going out to a nice dinner doesn't seem wise considering we are about to go on a three-week vacation, lol. Also Saturday we are celebrating my son's birthday. He turns 10. So we are putting more of our attention into him. Overall I am fine with this. My anxiety about everything is high enough that adding an anniversary celebration of our marriage just doesn't feel fun right now, lol.

It's been a rough year but we have managed to come out of it and are still here. The other business owner, the one who owns the building we rent in, has made working at our shop less than pleasant. I have found myself trying to do as much work as I can from home. I am seeing now as I do end of year reports that my lack of being present at the shop has hurt our bottom line a bit. I am, however, touched that my husband didn't complain or anything. He just understood and said that I should do whatever I am comfortable with. He has been pulling the extra load and allowing me to just get space when I need it. I think when we get back from visiting family I will need to step up and deal with it but I am thankful for this rest period. The owner of the building really is a huge ass. He talks horribly to his wife, his kids are a nightmare and total brats, and he is not only a raging alcoholic who have shakes every morning but also a porn addict who doesn't think there is anything wrong with porn. He tries to be nice and he really just doesn't get it. Unfortunately, he suffers from being completely stupid and lacking actual intelligent thought, lol. We usually keep to our side and don't mix much but sometimes just being there is upsetting and I don't like my kids to see his kids be allowed to speak one way when they aren't allowed to. Thankfully my husband has been looking for a new shop location. We will probably have to stay there for another year but we are looking. I appreciate that not only does my husband want to support me but he also realizes that he doesn't want that atmosphere for himself either. That is so huge.

As far as travelling home for the holidays. I am trying to focus on the people I am looking forward to seeing. I know there will be triggers but I am practising meditation and mindfulness. Interesting how my recovery and my husbands uses a lot of the same things, lol.


raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2017, 12:27:04 PM »
aquarius,
Quote
As far as travelling home for the holidays. I am trying to focus on the people I am looking forward to seeing. I know there will be triggers but I am practising meditation and mindfulness. Interesting how my recovery and my husbands uses a lot of the same things, lol.
   ;D LOL!!! you are RIGHT!  our recovery is so similar to theirs!  It's the same stuff I learned as I recovered from alcohol!  I'm grateful I had those skills down before I learned how bad his porn use has gotten.

Good for you to have this plan in place.  my husband's therapist is trained in mindfulness. He gave him a breathing exercise handout and it said that simply by doing the breathing exercise - it immediately changes body chemistry and stops the fight or flight stress response.   I need to practice this for myself. 

Quote
We will probably have to stay there for another year but we are looking. I appreciate that not only does my husband want to support me but he also realizes that he doesn't want that atmosphere for himself either. That is so huge.
Wow, this sounds incredibly stressful.  It's hard enough to focus on the health of your relationship and your family without have to live right next door to an extremely dysfunctional family.  Good for you for taking you and your kids out of that situation!  I'm so glad your husband is understanding and supportive! yay!  Okay, sending you good vibes and prayers that you get your new location ASAP!
 
Happy Anniversary!
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon

Kimba

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2017, 06:37:51 PM »
Thanks Raven, I hope everyone here has a wonderful Christmas and some enjoyable family time x

Keep on fighting the good fight - FIGHT FOR LOVE !!
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth

raven song

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Re: How are you handeling the holidays?
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2017, 09:08:07 PM »
ohh, I like that, Kimba!  Love warriors!
The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon