Author Topic: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses  (Read 1398 times)

anon89

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28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« on: December 05, 2017, 02:03:48 PM »
Hi, everyone! I did my first reboot last autumn/winter, and it went really well. Luckily, I was never addicted to porn, but I did masturbate too much (almost daily on average).

Here's my previous journal for those interested: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10802

First reboot results

I noticed most of the improvements guys often talk about (much better mood, better posture, deeper voice, increased libido, easier time talking to people, humming tunes randomly, etc). I had no problems giving up porn, so I realise my story might not resonate with everyone.

The reboot partly motivated me to ask out a girl that I really liked, and we had a relationship for a few months. (I should add that I've previously read up quite a bit on dating advice, masculinity and sexuality, which has benefitted me quite a lot.) This was my first ever girlfriend, at the age of 28.

My ED problems were almost non-existant with her, so I think the previous ED embarrasments were largely a result of hooking up with girls that I wasn't fully comfortable with or into beyond fooling around. Of course, the excessive masturbation didn't help.

Relationship experiences

Things were euphoric the first couple of months, and we had some great times together. I've never had such effortless and enjoyable contact with anyone, both conversational and physical.

The breakup was tough, but it forced me to learn about my self: It took a while, but looking back now, I see that I avoided confronting/acknowledging her negatives sides, didn't ask her tough questions, didn't take the lead properly in various situations, and centered my life around her instead of having a proper direction of my own.

Ultimately, I'm very thankful to have gained such insight, and also to be able to realise all the things I did right. Rebooting isn't everything - you still need to build your character, knowledge, masculinity, etc., but it definitely brings those things forward.

Relapse period

Post-breakup until recently, I went back to PMO maybe 4-5 times a month for relief. Nothing bad happened, but nothing good either.

I did go to job interviews, and ended up getting a great job that I find fulfilling, challenging and enjoyable. I've also had some really fun times, so it's not like relapses undo previous efforts, or take away the character you've built up throughout your life.

Essentially, it feels like previous periods where I've avoided physical activity. It doesn't hurt me in the short term, but I do notice the love handles sneaking up on me. Lately, I've felt tired and been kind of bothered by certain things, so it's time to get going again.

Going forward

My reason for rebooting the first time around was to fix my ED. This time around, I wanna look at several things, such as:
  • My social life. I guess I'm a social introverted guy. I enjoy meeting people, but I have a strong tendency to stay by myself in my apartment. I have fulfilling hobbies, but I want to see my friends more.
  • Fitness. I lift weights 3x/week, and attend dance classes, so I'm not a slob, but I sit too much on my ass outside of that. My friends struggle with the same, so I think we can motivate each other.
  • Mental clarity/being more awake. Brain fog gets in the way throughout the day, and I'd like to have more energy. I'm considering quitting coffee. Going for daily walks should also help with this.
  • Diet. I fart too much, I get slight stomach aches, and I have a tendency to over-eat. Thinking back, I've actually declined a couple of potential hook-ups because of it. My neighbours have had success eliminating sugar and flour, so I'm gonna give that a go.
  • Dating. I'm looking forward to sharing growth and passion with a beautiful woman again. I've met some the past months, but I've simply chickened out from asking them out.

I recently went two weeks until last weekend, and noticed the same benefits that I mentioned initially, so I'm ready to get going again.

Maybe it's the Jordan Peterson binge I've been on recently, but I'm really enjoying getting my act together.

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2017, 02:14:36 PM »
Looking after what I eat will definitely be a priority, as well as making sure I don't overeat.

I overate a lot of crap the day I started this journal (cake, sandwiches, snacks, etc.), and it really messed up my stomach. Don't know if it was the food, but I was really in a bad mood all yesterday, which is unusual for me. Anger and irritation are better than apathy though.

I've looked into paleo and intermittent fasting before, so I'll try something along those lines the next few days.

Feeling much better today, so no problems. Lifted weights early in the morning, which was heavier than usual, but coming to work feeling strong and energised was great!

Jack Can

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2017, 04:15:56 PM »
Making sure that you only eat healthy foods will I'm sure help you recover faster!! But be careful man! I found that focusing on too many things at once caused me to get stressed out and give up on some of them. IDK how important kicking this addiction to you is, but for me it was my #1 and only, so focusing on it was not at all difficult.

Of course everyone's level of commitment or stick-to-itiveness is different. I feel like I'm just rambling at this point haha... Good luck mah dude!

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2017, 01:26:25 AM »
Well, I was already doing most of these to varying degrees, and I've previously read up on the basics of all of these topics, so I think it should be manageable.

Many guys probably go too hard, but my problem in the past has been the opposite, telling myself to go easy and not wear myself out. This gets me into my head, and back into bad habits.

Luckily, I was never addicted, so giving up porn was the easy part for me.

Thanks for the positive vibes, Jack!

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2017, 08:55:24 AM »
I think it's been 9 days now.

Whenever I'm walking, my chest and chin stay up, and my shoulders stay back. I also feel taller, and more excited when talking to people.

It's easier to get off my chair to do something, like go for a walk, go to the gym, or even do some housework.

My sleep is a bit mixed, but I think that might be because I'm eating too late or too much in the evening, or maybe my brain is resetting.

I came close to relapsing yesterday. A movie had an unexpected nude scene in it, and I felt really excited, like butterflies up to my chest.
I started thinking about how I'm not addicted, going one week is a long time for most guys, bothered by blue balls, reward for doing well at work, etc.

The rationalizations were all true, and I honestly think it wouldn't have been a big deal. However, I'd like to stay on track for a whole month, just to get my mind working at 100% again after the autumn of relapse.

Having some major blue balls now, but I'll manage.

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2017, 01:04:06 PM »
Day 13

- I seem to be overeating and snacking instead of relapsing. It's easy to rationalise since I'm lifting weights and I look athletic, but the stomach troubles aren't worth it. I feel much better after fasting for 24 hours though.

- My general mood is stable from day to day - relaxed, positive and assertive, without being forced or over the top. I experience negative and positive feelings instead of apathy or cynicism. This is easily my favourite benefit of rebooting.

- I went out to a loud pub with some friends, and I had no problems making my voice loud enough, or hearing what people were saying! This was a new experience for me. I also didn't get tired, even though we stayed out very late.

- Previously, I've sometimes felt kind of shy or awkward around very attractive girls or dominant guys. Going out yesterday, I was just saying what's on my mind, feeling at ease and excited.

- Just like last reboot, I want to ask girls out. I've previously had a more indifferent attitude about dating, but now it seems more exciting. Feels like my early teens again.

- I've lived by myself since 2013. This is the first time I leave behind a clean apartment and no dirty dishes before going home for Christmas. Maybe it's the Jordan Peterson effect.


Some of these effects I think are definitely because of nofap, while others are helped by recent improvements in my life situation.

Even though I did a reboot last year, I was skeptical when hearing about other guys' experiences again, but now I find many of them to be almost identical to mine.

I'm still kind of quiet or reclusive sometimes, but I don't feel bad about it or restrained by it, and that's a huge difference.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2017, 03:31:49 PM by anon89 »

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2017, 01:49:13 PM »
Is MO without P a relapse?

MO'd yesterday after 27 days (no porn, no high speed death grip).

The first 2-3 weeks, I had plenty of focus and energy for computer programming and reading, but this past week I found the urges and groin pressure intensely distracting.

To be honest, I'm okay with it. I feel relief and energy, and I'm already set to make it through January.
These first weeks really did me a lot of good, and I'm curious to see whether abstaining has a positive effect on sex next time I'm with someone.

Day 14-27: effects

So, what's new? When I got home to my parents, I was in top shape the first two days, doing stretches and pushups when I got up.
Then I got hit hard by the flu, which I'm still not entirely rid of.
Still, my mood stayed positive and stable, and I was glad to have family members see me happy. No noteworthy experiences beyond that.

About resetting counters

I don't think I agree with people resetting their counters to 0 after relapsing.
I've gone from 20-30 times per month to twice per month - that's a huge reduction that definitely doesn't warrant a 0.
Maybe subtract a few days from your number, but people setting it to 0 seems overly harsh.

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2017, 04:07:08 PM »
Also, I spent literally all day on my laptop. Some of it is productive and worthwhile, but a lot of it seems like information overload that doesn't stick.

I've read books on what the Internet is doing to our brains. I was nodding in agreement when reading it, and went online the next day while shrugging my shoulders. :D

ImOnMyWay

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2018, 11:24:39 AM »
anon89,

I like your story Sir! I commend you for going through your first reboot, understanding it, finding a gf, learning how PMO/ MO can be a real kicker and how to overcome it again. I am in the same boat as you. Rebooted last March through now. Had a gf and some other maybes. Had a minor relapse and now moving on. Ready to keep trucking. I have found not having a gf is difficult to stay on track, but the extra focus on you is a real positive.

Here's to bettering ourselves again.

Good luck,

ImOnMyWay

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2018, 01:32:09 PM »
Thanks, and right back at you!

I got back online now because I found myself in a slippery slope situation.

I've MO'd a couple of times since last time, which in itself I think isn't a big deal. I haven't felt any positive or negative effects from it.

However, I just caught myself thinking porn isn't a big deal - everyone does it, I'm single anyway, work is going well, I've earned it, it would feel absolutely incredible, etc.


I think it's especially important to stay alert when things are going well - that's when I messed up last time.

Going back and remembering why helps: I really want my mood to be stable, I love getting excited about things again, walking confidently, feeling at ease with people, and not having to worry about sexual performance the next time I'm with someone.

Luckily, activities are starting up again around town - board game nights, dance classes, language meetups, sports, etc. Getting out of the house and seeing people really helps.


One thing that's frustrating me is how high my libido is, and I know several attractive girls who seem interested, but I'm not interested in being alone with them other than for sex.

I've gone down that path before, and although it's fun right then and there, my lack of interest the next days and their potentially hurt feelings doesn't feel right.

I think it's better to just appreciate that tension/energy, let it be there between us, and I'll use it for other things.

ImOnMyWay

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2018, 03:43:11 PM »
anon89,

What you said in your last couple sentences on your last post couldn't be more true. I recently posted that I went home with someone on Friday who I had a really good time with. We laid on the couch and made out. I wanted to go further, but I didn't want to hurt her because I was merely looking for sex. I just enjoyed the rush and allowed myself to say no! Like you said; "I think it's better to just appreciate that tension/energy, let it be there between us, and I'll use it for other things." I feel this was a huge step for me.

I am caught up on a girl that came back into my life recently and I am not sure if she wants to be with me again or not "yet". I want to wait for this one. I feel something there. I want this experience to be with that girl. I started my reboot journey while dating her and something is telling me to wait for her to be that one. So here I am. Is it hard trying to figure out what's going on through her mind..... yes, but I want this to work.

Thanks for the post man. Best of luck,

ImOnMyWay

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2018, 01:57:39 PM »
Sensitivity and excitement have gone up. Just drying up after shower gave me a semi.

Fantasizing should probably be limited, but I just found my mind wandering, and I got hard even before imagining her taking any clothes off. I even felt butterflies.

Nothing much to report otherwise. Mood feels stable and normal - a bit bored at times, but nothing bad.

igetum

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2018, 11:03:22 PM »
I am interested in your story. I am going to follow it through.

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2018, 01:30:39 PM »
MO'd twice this weekend. Got it up just as easily as when I was 14.
The past few years, I've just done it out of habit, but now I actually felt a strong urge, so I'm okay with it.

However, I do notice how the feeling of things going well brings with it a risk of heading down the slippery slope.
I noticed myself briefly trying to rationalise porn use again, but keeping in mind previous experiences and successes (personal and other people's) convinced me otherwise.

My birthday is coming up in two weeks, so I will abstain from MO until then.

One big thing I've realised is that my social life depends on me being proactive, and keeping in touch with friends.
I don't mind spending time alone, but it gets boring, and I feel like it's having a negative effect on me.
Also, I see how being bored would make things really difficult if I were addicted to porn. It's probably the best worst way to instantly end boredom.

Edit: I realised my stomach has been going much more smoothly lately, with almost no gas, which I'm of course very happy about!
I've done an okay job at not overeating, and avoiding bad food. Don't wanna repeat that one time I turned down a girl because of my gas.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2018, 01:35:40 PM by anon89 »

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2018, 03:59:39 PM »
Just sent out messages to friends, planning to get together. Looking forward to it!

It's easy to just sit quietly and think nobody cares. There's definitely lots of good people in your town who feel the same as you.

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2018, 02:59:52 PM »
Even with MO every 7-10 days and no gym, I still feel really great. I love my job, and taking initiative to being social is paying off now.

Abstinence or drastic reduction of MO has tremendous effects, but I've experienced the same effects from improved work and social life.

I will say, it's a bit distracting to feel so horny all the time. It gives me good energy in social situations, but while focusing at work it's kind of like getting an annoying fly in your face every 15-60 minutes.

Next step to work on is getting back into the gym. First time this year, I injured myself, and second time I got the second flu in two months. Should be good!

anon89

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Re: 28 y/o: Back on track after breakup and relapses
« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2018, 04:19:27 PM »
Hi! Haven't posted in a while.

The first half of the year, I stayed porn-free, and I didn't really feel any positive or negative effects.
I'm definitely happier, but I largely attribute that to getting a steady rewarding job with good colleagues, and making more of an effort to meet people.

This summer, I've fallen back into a weekly porn habit.
The porn hasn't had any drastic effects on me, but I never feel like it's worth it. It always feels like an undignified waste.
I won't bother keeping track of streaks, cause that can be an addiction of its own.

My standards for meeting girls have gone up. I've said no to girls I'd previously say yes to.
Physically attractive, but personality incompatibilities or no chemistry. I went through that before meeting my ex, and it's either hurt feelings, empty sex, ED, or a mix of all.
I feel like I'm in charge, which is how it should be. I feel a bit sexually frustrated, and I sometimes wonder if I'm too picky and being blinded by minor flaws. There's an argument to be made there, but it feels more right than not being picky enough.

Doing volunteer work has improved my social life a lot. I highly recommend it, if you can find something you're good at, which is teaching in my case.
At the same time, I haven't been going out enough during weekends. Sure, disliking cheesy clubs makes sense, but I realized staying alone in my apartment is way cheesier.
Besides, I've never regretted going out, but there have been several occasions where I've been bored alone in my apartment. I've had fun every time I've gone out lately.

This should be an exciting autumn!