Author Topic: I can do better in 2020  (Read 4969 times)

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #100 on: January 02, 2020, 07:47:38 AM »
Well, what can I say? When I thought 2019 could be the year, the relapse happened. Although I maintained a relatively stable mood these days, I kept relapsing over and over again, just like the old days. For a long time, my main motivation to quit porn was to get out of depression and anxiety. Ironically, it might be harder for me to quit porn now once I'm more in control of my mood. I felt like porn was a demon that could throw the worst psychological problems at me and I was really determined to fight it. It's not true anymore. Porn is not the root cause of all my problems. Just like someone has said, porn is the symptom.
I'm really confused now. Kinda lost. All the time I was trying to find my deepest issue and tackle it, but it could have been the wrong approach. Maybe instead of looking for deep psychological problems, I should just focus on the basics such as cultivating good habits and finding ways to enjoy my life regardless of what problems I might have. I was always searching for motivation. Why should I do this, why should I do that. It never worked. I think in some sense I was just trying to avoid the hard work. I always knew the answer but I refused to admit it simply because I didn't want to put in the effort. I bet I would not even bother for one sec to look for answers if I can just get the result without doing anything. Whenever I was procrastinating, I would feel bad for myself and tried to relieve this pain by searching on google "true cause of procrastination". Once I found something I would feel better and tell myself: "now you found your problem, you can work on it." However, next time the same thing would happen again.
The greatest truths are the simplest. I'm not special. I want what everyone wants: achievement, confidence, respect, etc. At the same time, I'm just too lazy. I'm an opportunist whose only goal is to exploit the circumstances and get the best gain with minimum effort. Each time I need to do something and I'm afraid of the hard work, I would tell myself to look for a reason. It feels like I'm doing some introspection. It makes me feel smart and honest. It then gives me a false sense of achievement to relieve my guilt of escapism. What a perfect loop I'm in.
This explains why I always make plans and fail to execute them and repeat it again and again. I feel stuck and I never worked on it because I didn't want to work. I wanted an immediate cure for my problems just like porn. It's easy, effective and has no cost. But the cost is great. It costs me everything I ever wanted.

Jeks

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #101 on: January 02, 2020, 09:09:51 AM »
You might be on the right track for you, but just some food for thought:
Its true, there might be a deeper issue which caused you to escape to porn in the first place.
But the problem is, porn is often also hindering you to fully tackle or even to find the otther issue.
I think im qualified to speak about this, because i also found my procrastination and socialization issues to be my worst problems. Point is, i couldnt even start to tackle these, as long as i was hooked on porn. I tried so many times, but even if i was able to get things done, i was not able to feel the relief and feeling of happiness, because my moltivation and emotional systems were highjacked by porn.
That even caused me to have a even harder time to give up porn, because i had the expectation, that tackling the other areas would ease the pain and when it didnt, i felt like using porn again.
Thats said, in my opinion try to tackle the other problems as well, but dont be surprised, when this doesnt fill up the emotional emptiness. Then even allow yourself to take pressure off of you to fix the porn problem first and to overcome your urges and emotional numbness. Then you will be able to gain other achivements.

Stay safe and keep fighting brother.

Jeks

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #102 on: January 02, 2020, 09:20:47 AM »
When you think about the reasons, why to give up porn, you shoud try to not only find things you want to run away from (depression, anxiety), but also things to run towards to (relationships, happiness in career, other goals you want in your life, which are destroyed by porn...). They are often even more compeiling than the negative stuff and you dont fall into the trap of thinking " well, i kind of got this one, so maybe porn isnt as bad as i thought."
When you think it might help, then write down a hole list, to look at them the next time shit ia about to go down.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #103 on: January 03, 2020, 12:14:23 AM »
Maybe instead of looking for deep psychological problems, I should just focus on the basics such as cultivating good habits and finding ways to enjoy my life regardless of what problems I might have. I was always searching for motivation. Why should I do this, why should I do that. It never worked. I think in some sense I was just trying to avoid the hard work. I always knew the answer but I refused to admit it simply because I didn't want to put in the effort. I bet I would not even bother for one sec to look for answers if I can just get the result without doing anything. Whenever I was procrastinating, I would feel bad for myself and tried to relieve this pain by searching on google "true cause of procrastination". Once I found something I would feel better and tell myself: "now you found your problem, you can work on it." However, next time the same thing would happen again.
The greatest truths are the simplest.

This is something that I keep learning over and over. There isn't some great mysterious answer, just practical wisdom. I spend a lot of time looking for answers instead of getting to work, so I can relate to what you're saying and I recognize the importance of just buckling down and getting things done.

We can spend our time looking and looking for the answer of how to eliminate porn from our lives. Or we can start building good habits and just crowd porn out of the day.

Day by day, just focus on doing what you know you need to do. After about 10 years of trying and failing and trying and relapsing again, I finally last year realized that I just had to take responsibility for myself and actually do the things that would help me get better. Actually committing to do the things helped me turn a corner. I'm not cured, but I'm doing way better, and you will too.

Sorry to hear you've had trouble and that you're feeling lost. But you're not as lost as you feel. You're here with friends who will support, and you know that it's time to do the real work. The good news is the work works.

Go get 'em this year!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #104 on: January 03, 2020, 08:40:22 AM »
When you think about the reasons, why to give up porn, you shoud try to not only find things you want to run away from (depression, anxiety), but also things to run towards to (relationships, happiness in career, other goals you want in your life, which are destroyed by porn...). They are often even more compeiling than the negative stuff and you dont fall into the trap of thinking " well, i kind of got this one, so maybe porn isnt as bad as i thought."
When you think it might help, then write down a hole list, to look at them the next time shit ia about to go down.
Hi Jeks, thanks for the advice. I know the importance of aiming for something. However, I don't know if you had the same feeling, I'm not really excited for anything. There isn't something I really really want to have. I guess that's a big problem coming from my instant gratification way of life (porn being the top 1). My brain only responds to strong stimulants. I do want great career and great relationships but they feel really vague and unreachable. All of my good expectations of future are really powerless compared to my bad habits and addiction. How did you find your strong reasons?

This is something that I keep learning over and over. There isn't some great mysterious answer, just practical wisdom. I spend a lot of time looking for answers instead of getting to work, so I can relate to what you're saying and I recognize the importance of just buckling down and getting things done.

We can spend our time looking and looking for the answer of how to eliminate porn from our lives. Or we can start building good habits and just crowd porn out of the day.

Day by day, just focus on doing what you know you need to do. After about 10 years of trying and failing and trying and relapsing again, I finally last year realized that I just had to take responsibility for myself and actually do the things that would help me get better. Actually committing to do the things helped me turn a corner. I'm not cured, but I'm doing way better, and you will too.

Sorry to hear you've had trouble and that you're feeling lost. But you're not as lost as you feel. You're here with friends who will support, and you know that it's time to do the real work. The good news is the work works.

Go get 'em this year!
Thank you Blue, "learning it over and over" is a good way to put this. I tend to forget that I used to know those simple truths. But I have to LEARN them again and PRACTICE. It's the only way breaking out of my old cycle.

Jeks

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #105 on: January 03, 2020, 01:13:47 PM »
"Hi Jeks, thanks for the advice. I know the importance of aiming for something. However, I don't know if you had the same feeling, I'm not really excited for anything. There isn't something I really really want to have. I guess that's a big problem coming from my instant gratification way of life (porn being the top 1). My brain only responds to strong stimulants. I do want great career and great relationships but they feel really vague and unreachable. All of my good expectations of future are really powerless compared to my bad habits and addiction. How did you find your strong reasons?"

I think thats where you have to do a lot of soulsearching for yourself to find out, what that could be for you, especially when porn might fog it out for you even more. It can mean abetter career or a better relationsship but also includes things like being able to be a more loving person, being or becoming a good father, being able to influence people with what you do and your personality, being a overall more happy person. There is so much what that can be for you, but you have to be the one to find it out for yourself. Try to get yourself excited about life again.
I think a good place to start is, what would you be doing or what would you like to be able to do, when youve overcome your addiction, depression and anxiety.
You can even take a piece of paper think about it, while writing it down.
I know the feeling to not be excited about anything, but this also might have been a reason to get to porn in the first place.
I think that it can take a long time to find these things for yourself, but i would suggest you to start being on the lookout for these things. But dont pressure yourself.
When they are vague, try to make them more specific in your mind.
And when they seem impossible to reach them ask yourself " when i would be able to constantly work on my goals, would they still be as unreachable as i think.

These are my thoughts on this and this is just my opinion. You have to find what works best for you. But i would still advice to try it.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2020, 03:01:46 PM by Jeks »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #106 on: January 03, 2020, 07:04:55 PM »
Thank you Blue, "learning it over and over" is a good way to put this. I tend to forget that I used to know those simple truths. But I have to LEARN them again and PRACTICE. It's the only way breaking out of my old cycle.

No problem! In the end, we have all the power we need to break the cycle. We just have to actually break it. It sounds simple and obvious, but it can be difficult. It's like when people want to lose weight but don't want to change their diets or exercise. I spent a lot of years wanting to quit PMO, but I also wanted to keep triggering things and substitutes close by. Actually doing the right things has helped to reinforce my desire to do them. If we just wait and wait until it feels right and feels easy, we'll be waiting a long time. Once we commit to action, though, our feelings catch up to us.