Author Topic: I refuse to be held in bondage any longer.  (Read 165 times)

livinginsin

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I refuse to be held in bondage any longer.
« on: June 18, 2019, 09:35:54 PM »


Although I am genuinely tired of feeling as if I'm being held in captivity, I continue to seek the pleasurable feelings that bring me "assurance" after. I feel dirty but I feel wanted. I feel ashamed but I feel so damn good. I'm going to church and I'm praising God but I'm masturbating every night just to have a good night's rest. And when I'm not able to please myself.. I get angry. Easily frustrated. Irritated by anything and everything. I'm also a mother which intensifies the shame. I've been battling with this since I was about 12. I found some CD's in my moms movie stash and watched them. Before I knew it, I was watching them every time I was left alone. It was a while before I discovered actual porn sites. The CD's were my only visual source. However, I would go into random chat rooms specifically seeking older men. There was one time this man became obsessed. Wouldn't stop calling me and eventually found out my name and terrified me. We were phone sex partners for a while. Years. I changed my number just to wind up doing the same thing. but rather than have a single phone sex partner, i began calling hotlines. My voice would make men melt. I would get a thrill out of how many men would be waiting to talk to me. Would literally be edging until they got a chance to talk to me. It became habitual. My mom caught me watching porn once but I made a point to never let that happen again. Years went by and the addiction increased. However, I would stop when I got in a relationship. I was satisfied. But not really. See. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 18. But I've been obsessed with porn and masturbation since I was 12. I would make out with boys, even give handjobs. But I was terrified of actual sex because I was insecure of my body and I honestly can't even tell you why. It was when I was lonely, when I was single, and wanted love and affection, I would masturbate. It became an every night thing. Some days, I wake up and can't fight the urge. Its a throbbing. A good throbbing. And I begin to fantasize. Over the past few years, I've had to increase my kinks to satisfy myself because watching normal sex doesn't get it for me. It has to be perverted. Nasty. Extremely kinky. And in my mind, I think wow... This is what I've come to.. So ashamed. And this isn't even all of it. But it's the best I can do for now..

All I'm trying to say is... I'm exhausted. I quit for three days, going on four, and today I relapsed. I went for almost a week about two weeks ago and I relapsed again. I try to take it day by day but the flesh is so hard to ignore. The urge is so strong and I'm so weak. To the point where it takes me forever to find someone who can meet my needs sexually. Even just to sext. I've gotten to the point where porn satisfies me more than people. I'm exhausted. I want to be better for myself and for my daughter. I don't ever want porn to get in the way of my motherhood. Something has to give. So I decided.. today is a great day for change.
SH

pichaelthompson

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Re: I refuse to be held in bondage any longer.
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2019, 06:12:44 PM »
I appreciate you telling your story in full honesty, and hearing about you wanting to do this for your daughter is truly inspiring to me. As you probably know, this journey will come with it's fair share of challenges and roadblocks, some of them being problems that seem completely unfamiliar to what you have already been through. If you have any questions or need any advice/help/motivation, feel free to post on my forum or message me anytime.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: I refuse to be held in bondage any longer.
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2019, 05:38:40 PM »
Hey, welcome to the forum.

This is a tough fight, but there's a good network of support here. Posting here has been really helpful for me because it gets my thoughts out of my head, gives me a place to check in every day to make sure I'm staying on track, and lets me bounce ideas off of other people. Joining was one of the scariest steps in my recovery process, but it has also been one of the most helpful.

Keep checking in and helping other people along the way. We're all fighting this garbage together.

markintosh9

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Re: I refuse to be held in bondage any longer.
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2019, 09:22:44 PM »
I feel your pain. You are not a single person. I also have the same experience of it. I always to find out new sources and enjoy myself there. Recently I joined a website where I can easily start a random chat with other females from time to time. I paid a monthly subscription fee in order to get a membership there. I can start a video chatting and talking to them. Discussion about any sex issue there. And I enjoy erection at that time. :)