Author Topic: disclosure  (Read 972 times)

aquarius25

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disclosure
« on: November 10, 2017, 10:24:29 AM »
This topic came up in my last post seeking support. I thought it was an interesting topic and I can see that we all have different perspectives on it so I thought I would give it it's own thread to discuss. I also know that we are all not going to agree but we can discuss and maybe some interesting and good conversation will bring about some different ideas. Also, I will say that if this topic is triggering in any way then in no way do you need to read. That is not my intention. I just saw it created conversation and thought to start this thread to give it room for discussion.

Initially, the disclosure was regarding my husband use of Facebook as one part of his porn use. He was viewing images of my friends and women in town that he knew in addition to porn. I actually think this behaivor is more common than I initially realized which is another reason why I think it is good to discuss. This is the world we live in. The disclosure was in reference to whether or not I should disclose to my closer friends about his behaivor. 

Personally, I felt like it would just cause more trauma in my friendships. I did disclose to a few of them that he was struggling with porn addiction in general and I had a few not so great reactions. I did not disclose to any of them about this FB element. He no longer has a FB account just to be clear and he is very remorseful. But it opens the question.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that it is better to tell friends that are unaware that this has been going on? Would you want to know if the tables were turned? At what point does disclosure become damaging?

Emerald Blue

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Re: disclosure
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2017, 12:56:42 PM »
As a direct response to your particular situation, I would agree that revealing your husband’s FB behaviour to the women concerned would be going way further than is necessary and would only bring about more upset. I wouldn’t like to be told that a friend’s husband was using my image as a masturbation tool. My reaction would be “I wish you never told me that”.

From your situation, his FB behaviour is in the past and that’s where you want it to stay. I see no advantage in making it a live issue after all this time. I have a situation of my own I can relate it to,  but I’ll come back to that

As for whether to tell others that your husband has had a problem with porn addiction, again I would counsel extreme caution. I have to respect my husband’s wishes as well as decide what’s good for our recovery as a couple and for each of us individually. My husband doesn’t want to make his porn addiction known. and ultimately that’s the bottom line. I know from my past experiences of sharing very personal information, once you make it known you have no control over whether your friend is going to respect your confidence, you don’t know how people will react and in a sense, the more people you tell, the more your relationship becomes public property rather than a private space. Now, I’m aware that I may err on the side of caution but you have to do what feels right for you. Some people are intensely private and protective of their privacy, others are more open. The last reason why you should disclose your struggles to people outside of your relationship is to unburden yourself or to purge difficult feelings.

Back to my situation, during the days following d day my husband told me that he could see down the front of a coworker’s top when she had to bend and lift packages in his work area. This was happening during the week before d day and we were in a heatwave, hence the reason why she wasn’t wearing her usual work clothes. Bearing in mind he had been addicted to porn for maybe 15 years or more at this juncture and had developed a big breasts obsession. He thought he should tell her about being able to see down her top, and I just thought, oh no! If someone had said something like that to me I’d be creeped out. I have no clue whether he used her as fantasy or not. After all this time it no longer matters. He used the images of thousands of women over the years, so the imagery isn’t important. When it comes to using individuals in real life, that’s a bit different because it becomes more personal. All instances of what could be described as “infidelity” — in the broadest sense of the word — involve not only a sexual component but an emotional component too. If there’s a sort of emotional infatuation or emotional response to a particular individual as well as using them as a sexual fantasy for masturbation, it starts to veer into very tricky territory.

Ultimately we all have our own boundaries between what’s private and what’s shared. Even now, I have to negotiate with my husband what can be shared in a therapeutic setting because it is his behaviour and his history we’re talking about. I told him I respect his wishes. Obviously it’s part of my history too, and a big part of our relationship history. I need to be at liberty to discuss my own experiences in a therapy setting otherwise what’s the point of having therapy if I have to avoid something this big? Other than that, I am very wary of disclosing anything.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Hypatia156

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Re: disclosure
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2017, 05:04:34 PM »
Agree with the others. I think telling those he was masturbating to could cause too much damage and would make them uncomfortable.

My husband was doing something similar, he likes to take pictures of nature etc., and during events with others around he would be "secretly" taking pictures of women present who fit his PMO ideal. I discovered this but to tell those people would have been too upsetting to them. The main woman in particular has a history of abuse and it would have been a huge issue for her.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Its horribly painful to have to have your partner have virtual infidelity much less be doing it over your friends. You're very strong to be dealing with this.

I've had mixed results in talking with my friends about this. I've only disclosed to my two closest women friends. One was a bit unnerved and focuses on me only but I can tell it really bothers her. One has been fully supportive but I think is having a hard time seeing it as an addiction. In general I think people just think women who feel betrayed are prudes and rarely to people really understand how it affects the mind, chemicals and of course, the marriage or relationship.

Hang in there, take it one day at a time and I'm available for a private message if you need anything.

Kimba

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Re: disclosure
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2017, 10:37:58 PM »
From my experience with sharing personal problems or dramas with others, has nearly always been unwise. I think that is why we need Preists/pastors and Counsellors, I myself am not religious but I definately see the benefit in talking stuff out. By burdening others with secrets or problems with your hubby would be creating more headaches than solving anything... People find it hard to keep secrets and that is most people on this planet, as a race we thrive on gossip, we may in the beginning keep quiet on something but as time goes by things can ultimately leak out. Telling a stranger who is removed from the situation is a much better answer, if anyone is going to tell these women it should be your hubby and that’s not going to happen. My partner was a Facebook stalker as well, bet it is very very common, he stalked a gfs daughter who just happened to be a stripper, I was pretty shitty about it, he denied it but I saw the history. I have no intention of telling my friend... When these men are under the influence of social media, Porn etc they have no off switch and seemly no empathy/accountability. My partner is off all social media as am I as he would go on my page and stalk stuff so then turn it around and said I was the one, can u believe that haha, when it all came to light he tried every trick in the book and he probably wonders why Facebook shits me ... Anyway so my answer would be No do not tell, he has moved on from that in his life and bringing up past history will benefit No One !!
Three things that cannot be long hidden
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The Moon
The Truth