Author Topic: Craving Normality  (Read 56955 times)

chiefmitch88

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Craving Normality
« on: August 11, 2014, 01:44:35 PM »
It's time to fess up and leave it all on the table.
I'm Mitch, I'm 30.
 I was introduced to porn around the age of 8 by a neighborhood cohort. I was enthralled the moment I saw that penthouse even though I likely had no clue what was occurring on those pages. Around the age of 12 I would often raid the porn stashes of the people I knew that had them. My older brother, my uncle, my grandfather, friends, etc. I would steal their magazines and keep them under my mattress. At the age of 15 we finally got a home computer with dial up. It was intoxicating to have that much porn just a click away. By the time I was 16 I was lying about my age and engaging in cyber sex. The themes became more extreme by the time I was 18. Mostly dom/sub & bdsm fantasies were being played out.

Then I went off to college and encountered high speed internet in the dorms. If I wasn't studying I was PMO'ing. That went on through my entire college career, I neglected personal relationships and social opportunities to get my fix without all the drama that was occurring back at home between my parents who had their own marriage issues when we all left the nest. I remained a virgin until the age of 26. I didn't want to give myself to someone who didn't live up to my ridiculous standards.

Finally, out of the blue, I met the woman who would become my wife. Katie. I think I started to understand my problem on our first date. We had a wonderful night, we were so intoxicated with each other that we attempted to have sex. Needless to say, I failed miserably from PA and PIED. I had even PMO'ed before the date just in case a sexual encounter would happen so I could "last longer." But we liked each other, she was patient with me and we tried again, I lost the v-card a couple days after my 26th b-day. Our courtship was great, even despite the fact that I couldn't perform with a condom. She had an IUD put in to accommodate me.  I cut out the cyber sex and significantly reduced my PMO'ing. We maintained a strong relationship even when she moved a few hours away. I would visit often and we'd use the phone and video chatted every night to stay in touch. 10 months after our first date we got married.

I would try hard to keep myself away from porn but I would always relapse. When our relationship got bad and I was trying to cope with stress I reverted to the cyber sex again about a year ago. She was dealing with anxiety and depression herself and I work two jobs. So I self medicated with porn and hoped she'd figure things out on her own. Turns out she felt alone in the relationship and she felt me being emotionally distant. Right around the time I was starting to understand that I was numbing myself with porn, marijuana and alcohol she was seeking comfort from another man. She ended up kissing him and they discussed the possibility of an affair but thankfully her conscience saved her from making that choice.

Some days I feel like giving up, but her love inspires me to try again. She has stayed when most people wouldn't. October will mark out 4th anniversary and I am so concerned we won't make it. We have been seeing a marriage councilor and I am beginning to own up to my mistakes. I am humbled everyday by her strength and her ability to love in spite of all the hardships in her life and her past.

I want so desperately to experience what life is like without this crutch I have been leaning on all these years.



chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2014, 09:14:52 AM »
It's been a while since my last PMO. My willpower feels much stronger than it used to. I have to admit my last PMO was more of a relapse because I have been consciously trying to avoid porn since the revelation that my spouse was contemplating infidelity. I think I have relapsed about 3-4 times since the beginning of July. Having your wife seek the attention of someone else did wonders to truly snap me back to reality. The pain of that experience has been something of a blessing in helping  me to stay on the right track. I don't ever want to feel that again, I don't want to be numb to the needs of the people in my life who love me.
All that being said I still have the desire to cave-in around 3 to 4 times per day.  However, i feel a sense of accomplishment every time I see that counter add one more day to the total. Reading the stories of everyone on here has helped me when the cravings are intense.  Really looking forward to standing on my own two feet for the first time in my life. Thanks to everyone at Reboot Nation for creating this place to heal.


Gabe Deem

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2014, 11:49:08 PM »
@ Mitch
Quote
 I had even PMO'ed before the date just in case a sexual encounter would happen so I could "last longer." 

I ha en done the same a few times myself, worked ok when I was like 14 but once I was in my 20's it would kill any chance of getting an election for several hours if at all. Just know you aren't the only that thought that was a good idea and found out it was a horrible idea.

Congrats on 15 days no PMO,  that is awesome and we're looking forward to seeing you standing on your own feet with this problem in the rear view mirror conquered and done with.

Quote
. The pain of that experience has been something of a blessing in helping  me to stay on the right track. I don't ever want to feel that again, I don't want to be numb to the needs of the people in my life who love me.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I had a similar experience where I used the pain of having a limp dick, feeling the weight of the pain I caused others really gave me the motivation and mindset to stay away from porn and never go back.

Flipping our bad experiences and turning them into something good is a key ingredient to a reboot. To put it simply, learning from our experience and making better choices. And it sounds like you are doing just that.

Keep stacking those days. We hope the best for you. Welcome to the Nation.

Much Love



Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2014, 10:45:07 PM »
Thanks Gabe,
I appreciate the words of encouragement. They came at a much needed time.
Having a rough time saying 'NO' to the urges this evening. My brain is telling me everything I want to hear just to justify getting my fix. Came here instead. I just try to keep focusing on the shame an the guilt that comes after the brief moment of euphoria. Also, my wife is trusting me with her heart an I am reckless with her love when I am getting my needs met by PMO. I have to continue to show up if this marriage is going to work and I am simply not my complete self when I am plugged into a constant stream of erotic content.
If consuming opiates is termed 'chasing the dragon' then PMO'ing might be called 'chasing the sirens.' "Their song, though irresistibly sweet, was no less sad than sweet, and lapped both body and soul in a fatal lethargy, the forerunner of death and corruption." (Walter Perry)
Dragons just burn and consume, Sirens corrupt completely using your own brain against you. At least the Dragon fights fair....


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2014, 11:04:08 AM »
The days seem to crawl by lately. Triggers are everywhere, apparently porn has become so much a part of our culture that the lives of popular starlets are worthy of headline news. Boredom often compels me to seek out erotic content. Found myself looking through photos of bikini/underwear clad models but I was able to avoid PMO'ing. I am understanding more that I need to be proactive when I am having those cravings. I need to find something to fill the void and occupy my time in a healthy way. Working 75+ hours a week makes having hobbies a little difficult so I need to develop some fixes I can do in the little spare time I have. (Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.)
I feel like I am in the beginning stages of my flatline and it really feels like a long and weary journey ahead so I am trying to put some positive spins on the difficulties as signs of progress and acknowledge the benefits I have been noticing.

My wife has been insatiable lately. I am assuming that is because of a return of intimate conversation, self-confidence (to a small degree), and self-discipline. Two days ago we engaged in intercourse after several days of abstaining. I was really not feeling in the mood but I wanted to see where it would lead if I tried. I expected very little to happen but when she touched me I got hard and stayed hard. The sex was great and I felt really in control, like I could last as long as I pleased. She has been bugging me for more ever since but I keep telling her I have to walk before I can run. If this is the results after almost 3 weeks I can't wait to see what 3 months feels like.

Following the narrow path to healthy sexuality as best I can.


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2014, 08:55:45 AM »
So much anxiety these past couple days. Finding it very hard to sit with a quiet mind. Stress over career, family, finances, the economy, global politics...No wonder I needed to numb myself, there's so much pain out there. I feel very down, almost like I can't even muster one positive thought. Almost as if my brain is trying to flood my thoughts with as many stressful scenarios as it can to get me to PMO and be indifferent once again. Anyone else have this sensation? Is this the stage where they talk about your addiction being starved?

I'm guessing that this is my brain crying out for some dopamine. I am extremely irritable! I find myself lusting after even the most mundane pictures of celebrities on magazines at the gas station.  Should I try to be doing more to avoid triggers or should I just accept that they are going to be everywhere?




Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2014, 07:57:26 AM »
I sure wish I new about this site a few years ago. It would have saved me plenty of money. Although I had been M for more then 50 years i never had any problems. I am sure the last few years before my wife passed away,my PMO on the computer before I came home killed some of my desire for sex. Then after she passed it was all  I had.a few years later I met a lady and we had sex, everything worked fine.But then I had some ED issues. Could,get hard then go,limp. I went to a dr and got Viagra and trained injectables. I know know my problem was too much M. After a night together I would come home and use porn or visit webcam sites. Since finding this site 22 days ago,I haven't M at all. I had sex last night and was able to finish in her. Before I almost always needed oral or had to use my own hand to get off. This morning I sure have the urge to look at some porn and go at it. My mind would tell me since it will be a few days at least until l would be having sex again,what harm could it be. But now I now I can REIT the temptation. The reward will be a more rewarding experience for me and my partner later this week. It sure is hard to avoid triggers,the adds on TV are sure designed to get us horny. At my age I am glad I still have an interest. Just be thankful you have a women that is with you,save your energy for her.She is real, the others are only images designed by the porn industry to take your money.

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 10:28:58 AM »
Took a few days off to recharge the batteries a bit. A 3-day vacation to hang out with some old college friends. Having a little more clarity about my addiction brought me some perspective about the role I used to play back when I was in college. I was put upon and bullied by the people I called my friends. When I was lacking in self confidence and I thought myself unlovable I guess I felt like I deserved that sort of treatment. Now I am starting to understand that my depression was something that others expected out of me, apparently misery loves company and I associated with people that were and still are self medicating with addictions I could only guess at. Feeling a little more evolved than the idiot I was when I graduated college, almost as if conquering this addiction is my right of passage into manhood...at the age of 30. Better late than never I suppose.

Took some time to watch the highlights of the MTV VMA's. I have to say I was absolutely astounded at the hypersexualized performances and skimpy outfits. I had to look away from the screen a lot. Am I crazy or is our society and the celebrities we idolize starting to reflect the amount of P that we consume?


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2014, 01:23:58 PM »
As time goes on I am starting to understand my triggers a little better:
 1) Boredom - I'm sure you can all relate to this. I have some time to kill so why don't I reward my brain with a little dopamine spike? I've been a good boy, I deserve it right? WRONG.
 2) Stress - I'm not sure if any of you have noticed but the economy is in the trash. My wife and I both have to work two jobs in an effort to actually be able to afford a home and pay my ridiculous student loans while maintaining what I would call a very modest lifestyle. We are mostly ships passing in the night and that makes it difficult to take the time to be romantic not to mention the struggles with our relationship. Just being a provider is stressful.
Also, we are apparently we are on the cusp of WW3. Between Putin, ISIS, and North Korea I'm not sure who to fear more. I want and escape from all of this, I want to ignore the reality of this crazy world for an hour or two. I'm just not sure what sort of constructive replacement there is for PMO, especially given the time constraints of working so much and living in a lowly populated area with very little to offer in terms of culture.
How do I break out of this cycle of a career that is stagnant, a wife struggling with depression, anxiety over the state of the world and crippling debt? How do I learn to cope again?
 3) Hopelessness - Feeling like anything I do will lead me back to where I started, like I will never change or the world will never let me change. Maybe I can attribute this to a lack of faith. A lack of faith in God, in mankind, in myself, in my spouse, etc. What good am I doing  trying to put on this facade of a healthy person when under the surface I am just a mentally warped animal who has little control. Some days I feel like I'd be better off without the logical part of my brain. Facing the truth and accepting it seems like an impassable obstacle for me.


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2014, 09:39:58 AM »
I have let it slide. 2 relapses in the past 5 days after going 45 days without. I was halfway there and then I got too lenient with myself. My wife has switched to working nights the past couple of weeks and the boredom and temptation were too much to handle.
Just learned about hypofrontality, thanks to posts from others and YBOP. I never knew there was a name for what was happening, it is a stark realization that my brain has atrophied and that I have actually hindered my own ability to resist impulses. All of those reasons why I chose to reboot seemed to faded away and I selfishly escaped. I also think I underestimated just how hard I was going to have to work to turn away from my urges.
I am afraid to tell my wife about my relapses. I am concerned that she will think once more that I chose porn over her.


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2014, 11:46:41 AM »
4 relapses in 6 days. I feel like I am spiraling out of control again. I let my wife know last night about the relapses and she was incredibly supportive.
However, this morning when we were taking a walk when she brought up an event that gave her good memories but it was from around the time that she was communicating with this man behind my back. I guess the pain is still fresh. I felt offended that she dare bring up a positive feeling from a time when we were both turning away from each other. It's almost like I want to black out that time period and label it her 'deceitful phase.' We obviously got in a fight and she is staying at a hotel this evening claiming that she needs space.My stomach is turning in knots and I have a strong sensation of abandonment. I feel so emasculated by everything in my life. I feel like a failure when I look in any direction. And if I feel this terrible when life should by all accounts going well, how will I feel when something truly difficult happens.


Mechanic10

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2014, 04:22:40 PM »
Hey Man...
On no!!  OK, slow it down...

I haven't logged on to a PC in a few days...I thought you were doing great seeing how YOU were the one giving ME the words of encouragement.  Did you Message me?

Have you watched all the videos on YBOP?
Try to get through the next few days.. Don't give up on this....spend time reading posts in here if you have to.

I will check back to see how you are doing.

Mechanic

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2014, 11:36:31 AM »
My wife and I patched things up just a few minutes after she left the house the other night. We are building better lines of communication. We had a good counseling session last night and I feel like I am better equipped to identify the triggers in my life.

It turns out that my lack of fulfillment with my work is a pretty large trigger for me. I don't feel like I was cut out to be a self-starter whose duties include office work that gets dumped into a humongous bureaucratic database. I don't really get to see the usefulness of what I do. I feel like a change of career and scenery might be a great way to begin a new chapter in life.
My lack of self confidence seems to be inhibiting my risk taking when it comes to a career change, however. I have my father's voice in my head telling me to keep this dead-end job because of the benefits. He worked a blue-collar job for 40 years to fed our family and put clothes on our backs. The anxiety at the prospect of exploring the unknown job market keeps putting me back in this cycle of PMO addiction to deal with the stress and dissatisfaction of my current career.

Has anyone else out there felt like their PMO addiction is tied to a career that they despise? 

 


Mechanic10

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2014, 08:14:38 PM »
It's good hear that you got some counseling bro.

I don't particularly like my job either.  But I am going to kick shit one thing at time.  One of the things I am looking forward to after I get over my sex addiction is to re evaluate my job.  Maybe I will have  a better outlook on life after I am healed.

Stay strong bro.

Mech

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2014, 08:26:43 PM »
Try to make it through the upcoming weekend.
That's until Friday and through the weekend....
What do you think...doable?

Mechanic

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2014, 11:27:22 PM »
I feel positive for the first time in a few days. I feel the wonderful support of my wife, my AP Mech, RBNation, and my family. I am grateful for having found this place. I'd likely be in the midst of a very dark place if I hadn't seen this small point of light. I think I can ride this wave for a while. I hope it carries me all the way to 90 days and beyond.


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2014, 12:46:24 PM »
Ugh, the days are crawling by. I am so bored with my career it is unbelievable. I Just want to drop it and find a job where I can work with my hands. I'm so concerned about giving up my benefits when we have a baby on the way though. Maybe I should work on creating a few goals for when I should move on to my next adventure.
I'm going to sign myself up for a couple of art classes just to get some of my creative juices flowing again. Maybe I will find a little inspiration to produce something that someone might actually buy.


Mechanic10

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2014, 01:33:14 PM »
Art class?  Good for you man.  You may have been before, but try going to an Art Supply store.  They are always fun and you can find come new toys to mess with. 
Hang in there man.

And definitely tell us what you decide to do on the Art Class.


Mechanic

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2014, 01:47:04 PM »
A beautiful fall day. Just took the dog for a long walk. Going to a cancer benefit this evening for a young woman (34) with 3 kids. She is stage 4 and is in the midst of a fight I cannot fathom. I believe in the healing power of human compassion and I look forward to joining together with my small community to give her a sense of hope and  love in this time when she needs it the most. Send a prayer her way if any of you have a minute.

I think I would have avoided this sort gathering in the past. The emotions that go along with this whole event are so very raw and I would've rather PMO'ed and forgot about the idea of my own mortality. While I felt that I had a handle on the idea, I came to realize that I was just numbing my negative feelings rather than actually facing them. The fact that our lives are finite is one thing that now drives me to make my mark on this world and influence it in a positive and meaningful way.  It forces me to contemplate the strength that will be required of me during the times when the health of either me, my spouse, or our future children will be compromised. I couldn't be a good caretaker if I kept porn in my life. I am thankful that I came to understand my addiction before we had children, I know it will only serve to bring more joy to fatherhood.

In my youth, I chalked up my antisocial behavior to my genetic makeup. Now I believe that I was avoiding the pain that goes hand-in-hand with TRUE compassion. More  gatherings with family and friends would've meant more positive experiences. However, it would've also meant that there would've been more instances where people close to me would need my support. I never lent my support to anyone because I needed a porn crutch just to keep myself upright while I dealt with depression, anxiety, and stress.

Trying to help a soul in need would've resulted in more PMO'ing to cope with all the sadness surrounding the reality of life. So I kept people at arm's length, never really getting to know them. I created a fantasy world where the real people in my life played no part and death didn't exist. Ignorance of emotion was bliss for me. Unless all-consuming lust counts as an emotion. Very few got to know me, I didn't share my emotions even if they did, I likely looked like I was devoid of human feelings. I took this to mean that I was on an even keel. If I was doing well on the outside, it didn't matter what was happening on the inside. Maybe society had a part to play as well with gender roles; I was allowed a tear or two at funerals, anymore than that and you're labeled a 'softie.' I now know that I NEED to enrich my life by experiencing the connection that is shared between people when those raw emotions bubble to the surface. I believe that is our purpose here on this crazy rock.


Mechanic10

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2014, 09:02:22 PM »
Chief,
Good for you man - a cancer benefit?  What a great way to man up for someone.  That is kind of positive things that I imagine a person could do if they weren't consumed with an addiction.

You mention anti-social behavior in your youth - I get you man.  It's like, hey, I have my own thing going on here, by myself where I am not going to need to deal with outside world troubles.

Thanks for sharing these very deep emotions.  I wonder how many other people out there feel that sense of isolation due to their addiction.  I know I did.  As far as that Macho no tears business is concerned, I am kind of thinking that that is bunk.  It's ok to feel for people, as a man or a woman.

Anyhow, thanks again for sharing.  You made it through the weekend I take it.

Mech



PS - good great book -

Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins MA and Andrew Adleman MA

So well worth the $11 from amazon.  (unfortunately I lost my copy and will need to order another one, I think I left it around my work somewhere....kind of a crappy thing for someone to discover. Ha!  I can see it now, Hey look Suzy, Mechanic from accounting is a fucking pervert...whatever....)

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2014, 02:42:51 PM »
Rainy days are some of the worst times for me to relapse. I can't go outside and there is no one around to keep me honest.
I know I should get out of the house but I have a cold and this is normally the time I'd turn to PMO for comfort.
Staying strong however, putting those images out of my brain as soon as they pop up. Even imagining the buzzer noise and red 'X" from family feud every time a hypersexualized thought enters my head. I have to admit, it's a good little trick. I think I read it off of Eidan's Journal. Have to give credit where it is due.


chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #21 on: October 02, 2014, 10:42:53 AM »
Took the day off from work due to illness.
This would usually be a day that I would catch up by watching all the porn I possibly could. Having a tough time resisting the urge once again. I suppose I would use porn to feel a little better while my body battled the illness. Porn equals comfort for me.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it to 45 days with no PMO.  It's not even that I'm particularly horny, it's just what I've always done. I guess the habit is stronger than the cravings today.



Mechanic10

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2014, 09:41:22 PM »
The whole having hypersexualized thought - try this...Next time you have one, deny yourself keeping your mind there.  Do it consciously, even if it's only once a day.

It's almost like exercising a muscle.

It will get a little easier, and they will come less frequently.

Mechanic

chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2014, 10:22:56 AM »
Made it through yesterday and while it is a small victory I am going to take some pride in it. Despite my missteps I feel like progress is being made on a couple of fronts.

As far as keeping those hypersexual thoughts as bay...That's what I'm trying to do by imagining the "Red X." I even imagine the buzzer noise when I catch myself harboring a lustful thought. I have translated that over into my personal life as well. When I start having negative thoughts about my wife's actions regarding her infidelity I have to stop and remind myself that I contributed to her loneliness by indulging my own desires. I was being hurtful towards her so that I had more time to watch porn. I was driving a wedge to create more space to PMO because it felt better than dealing with a person who was going through legitimate pain with her depression and anxiety. She needed comfort too and since I wasn't giving it to her she sought it elsewhere. Who am I to cast a stone?

So instead of harboring jealous thoughts that are so easily perpetuated by my male ego I am going to try focusing on the positives. Imagining the best case scenario rather than the worst. Reminding myself that she values our relationship enough to support me while I attempt to beat this addiction. Revisiting the issues we have resolved through counseling. Appreciating the fact that she is strong enough to stand up and challenge my opinions. Take a step back and evaluate our progress rather than nit-picking about insignificant details. Easier said than done some days.  ;)




chiefmitch88

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Re: Craving Normality
« Reply #24 on: October 05, 2014, 02:53:34 PM »
Had a relapse today after a great date night out with my wife. I have a strong sense it was related to the chaser effect. We went out to a great dinner, enjoyed a fun concert, danced together. Then we stayed at a hotel. She put on a very wonderful set of lingerie that looked great. She was sleepy so we just cuddled until the middle of the night when we were both aroused. The great news is I achieved a strong erection just from touching her. Her skin felt so perfect. Had sex once, and then again mid morning. I didn't finish during the second session.

I came home with a chaser effect nagging at me so strongly that I slipped up while she was taking a nap.

I'm not going to let this slow me down with guilt and shame. I am going to reevaluate my approach instead. I think I need to have a discussion with her about abstaining from O during my reboot. Or at least cutting the frequency down to times when we can't resist each other. Sometimes I am curious if she is trying to use sex as a reward for my good behavior and I think I need to address that as well. It only contributes to the chaser effect. Maybe we need to set up a few ground rules while I am trying to kick this habit. Sex and porn are so closely related in my mind that I need to have some time to separate the two. I don't want to be using either for the sake of self soothing. I want sex to be an expression of love for her. Quality sex spaced out is more bond forming than shooting for vast quantities of sex like I once believed.