Author Topic: My Journey 2019  (Read 2716 times)

js2004

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    It's never to late.
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Re: My Journey
« Reply #25 on: August 23, 2017, 02:51:22 PM »
Don't start a new thread. Your question made me think of a the famous quote from Thomas Edison when asked about how many failures he had trying to make the light bulb, "I didn't fail, I just found 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb."  This journal is you and now you listed some ways to not be free of PMO. Remember them, learn from them and more forward. My two cents
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #26 on: August 25, 2017, 08:33:36 AM »
Thanks @js2004 for your words.

This is Day 3...

I'm feeling pretty ok. I'm having the usually urges and struggles that are normal at the early stages of a reboot. It's like starting again. I have deleted all dating website profiles & apps from my phone.
I'm also getting over a bad chest infection at the moment. I was out sick from work for 3 days and only went back to work yesterday. I'll rest this weekend until my chest fully clears up. Feeling a little flat mood-wise.

Not much else to say right now. Thanks for listening.

DesperateToHeal

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #27 on: August 30, 2017, 09:37:24 AM »
I completely second JS man; starting a new journal is not only dishonest to yourself but also dishonest to others. People who read your journal need to know that this isn't some linear path to success and that to reach your goal (which I have no doubt you will regardless of how many times it takes) you fell a couple of times. Otherwise when they fall, they'll believe they're weak and not just going through the same experiences that every single one of us go through. And like JS said; by documenting and recording the activities or lack there of that led to your relapse you've made yourself and everyone who reads your journal that much more aware of how they can achieve a successful reboot. I personally feel from reading your journal that we share a very similar mentality and it may seem strange but reading the details of your relapse gave me great comfort that each and every one of us are not alone but going through the same hell together. Your story is already an inspiration man because you've dusted yourself and started again. We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up again (sorry Batman for stealing that)!!

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #28 on: September 06, 2017, 05:09:39 PM »
Thanks DTH, really appreciate your words. They mean alot.

Well I've failed numerous times over the last few days but I've had enough of porn. I'm sick & tired of the whole mindset it sinks me into.

I'm back now to give this a proper shot again! I remember when I began this thread I was already on day 22 of the that reboot. I had such momentum and ease. I felt invisible and got as far as 42 days that time. Even 22 days from where I'm standing now seems so far off and so up hill. But I know that's just a perspective thing, a mindset thing. Need to push through the fog.

Life was suppose to be lived away from porn. I must remember that. I think I will go back and re-watch all those porn addiction science videos again. That really gave me the boost I needed at the very beginning. Time to refresh my memory of the importance of getting away from porn.

Wish me luck.


RealityCheck

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #29 on: September 06, 2017, 08:58:11 PM »
I'm just now reading your posts, and I appreciate your openness and honesty.  There's nothing to be ashamed of, as it takes courage to acknowledge a problem, and this is a safe space for which you can do so.

A lot of my posts and advice have a theme - practical strategies to help you push through.  The issue with group classes and going to the gym (etc) as an escape from PMO is that they only occur at certain times.  Now, I literally go to the gym everyday, so I'm not saying I'm against the gym.  But here is the reality: it probably doesn't take longer than 1 minute for you to regress at any point.  Relatively quickly you can open up your computer to whatever videos you find most fulfilling, whip it out, and start masturbating.  60 seconds.  Which means out of the day, if you are awake for 16 hours X 60 minutes/hour  = 960. 

In other words, there are 960 vulnerabilities for you to relapse every day.  So sure, a hobby or two can take care of 120 or so of those minutes, but what about the rest?  I think the solution is the mindset you have to be in.  I have found that planning out my entire day is very beneficial.  I always know what task I should be working on, or person I should be talking to.  And if something interrupts me while I am performing a task, that's fine, because my mind remains ENGAGED.  I think the quickest way to relapse is to find yourself bored.

Keep it up, I look forward to hearing more about your progress.

humaninprogress

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #30 on: September 06, 2017, 10:07:46 PM »
Hey there, Mediadude. Just stumbled on your thread. Your reboot journey reminds me of my own in many respects.

I know what you mean about the first time having so much momentum and ease. Maybe you aren't feeling that way right now, but I assure you your 42 days of sobriety aren't lost. Maybe your reboot isn't a continuous upward linear trajectory. Doesn't matter. What matters is trying to get back in the saddle.

I've fallen my fair share on this journey, but I always get back up. And you know what? After several years I can easily go really long stretches without porn. That said, I've learned my triggers -- and yes, dating apps, shows with nudity (i.e. Game of Thrones), social media, and Google image search are typically the beginning of the end for me, too.

The struggle is worth it. Every time you piece a stretch of sobriety together you'll learn something. One day you'll look back and see that a non-linear journey taught you more than getting it right your first shot ever could have.

Stay strong,
HiP

DesperateToHeal

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #31 on: September 07, 2017, 04:05:23 PM »
Couldn't have said it better than that post right above. Good luck in this current reboot MD and remember the most important thing above all is to enjoy life and not to stress too much about the little upsets and downfalls. Everything will be good man!

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2017, 08:56:37 AM »
Day 2... Still good.

Guys, thank you to all of the above comments. They really meant alot and felt like a pat on the back. This is just a drop-by check-in. But I will reply again hopefully later today with more details/thoughts/feelings.

I'm facing the usual battles that come early on in a reboot, ie. looking at girls on the street, lustful thinking, strong urges, etc. Just gotta ride it out.

#cantwaitfortheflatline!

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey
« Reply #33 on: September 09, 2017, 01:06:41 PM »
Fail... :( I fell last night... was up til 3 am drenched in porn. I don't know how this one happened. Well I do really. This reboot is turning out to be a disaster. I'm caught in a churning rapid and keep getting pulled under. I'm praying for the peace & strength I had before. I just don't seem to have strength right now.

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #34 on: January 12, 2019, 08:35:12 AM »
Well... I'm back again, and motivated. But I've alot of work to do.

This is just an initial post to state my intention of Rebooting again. Hopefully with some fresh insight and some lessons learned.

A welcome back would feel good and definitely help me back into the community.

Please feel free to read my story from the very beginning. It's all there.

Thanks guys... Day 4.

Pete McVries

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2019, 06:37:10 PM »
You got this, bro. Put your mind to it, put you grind to it and you can do it!

imaquitter

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    I will make it! More determined than ever!
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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #36 on: January 14, 2019, 07:46:55 PM »
Welcome back :)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from 10. feb 19

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #37 on: January 15, 2019, 08:45:23 AM »
Day 7! No PMO.

Thanks guys, really appreciate the welcome back. I'm feeling encouraged, but also with a healthy level of caution because I know this addiction all too well.

The past week has been good, I've had some minor urges and cravings but I'm bouncing my eyes from attractive females at work and in the street and staying focused on my goals.
I'm reading motivating material everyday and meditating.
I've plans to learn an instrument but need to save up some cash for it.

Trying to focus on improving myself as a person overall, rather than just 'resisting'.

Any other tips please feel free to drop them on me!

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2019, 10:48:52 AM »
Day 8 Still PMO free. Feeling thankful.

After a tiring day at work yesterday, I have today off. I got some much needed rest which was nice.

Took a cold shower which really helped to elevate my mood and kick start my day.

I've been using today as a "getting things done day".... House work, tidying, organising my home office desk, running errands, etc.

Did some light exercises at home.

Overall a pretty good day.

Urges: Mild
Mood: Very good
Motivation: Very good

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #39 on: January 17, 2019, 07:10:05 PM »
Day 9

Had some mild urges last night while Keeping up with the Kardasians was on tv in the background. So ridiculous! I don't even like the Kardasians, but all that hair & make-up is sometimes a trigger. Anyway, that faded and I was ok.

Today I went on a 1st date with a girl from a dating app. She was the last person I had connected with before I deleted all my dating apps. I had her number & we were texting, and decided to meet.
The date went quite well to be honest. Nice decent girl and good conversation happened. No alcohol involved either which was nice.

About halfway through the date I got a sudden hit of urges. To be honest it came out of nowhere. Like a rush of excitement. A weird little high. And my brain just said "Yes we're gonna do porn tonight". And I had a happy rush of something to look forward to. Then I realised and came to my senses said to myself "No. Hang on a second. We don't do that anymore remember? Not today. No." And this was all while trying to listen to what my date was saying to me. My concentration levels were jacked up! Anyway, thankfully the feeling passed and I forgot about it and was back in the moment with my date.

Right now I'm at home about to goto bed and I'm happy to be able to say I didn't act out and PMO. The urge came & went. Another 24 hours PMO free!

Pete McVries

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #40 on: January 17, 2019, 09:56:29 PM »
Day 9

About halfway through the date I got a sudden hit of urges. To be honest it came out of nowhere. Like a rush of excitement. A weird little high. And my brain just said "Yes we're gonna do porn tonight". And I had a happy rush of something to look forward to. Then I realised and came to my senses said to myself "No. Hang on a second. We don't do that anymore remember? Not today. No."

Man, I know these urges too well. Good on you for not acting out on it. Once the seed is planted, it's always dangerous. I admire what you're doing, keep going!

HumbleRich

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #41 on: January 17, 2019, 10:30:01 PM »
Hey dude,

For  me that is a sign that you really need to up.your reboot game.  You are on a date with this presumably gorgeous woman and you are thinking about.........porn?  I am not being judgmental here, just trying to get you to see.  You should haven been thinking about yoir date.  How you feel.about her.  Is there a connection?  Wjat is the sexual chemistry like?  What would it be like to.touch and have sex with her?  But your mind jumped to porn.  Do you see how odd that is?

I am not, by any means, saying that you should.ever rush a woman into.sex, but you should be explorimg the possibilities with this person in your own mind. 

Again, none of this js judgmental.  I have definitely been there.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #42 on: January 18, 2019, 09:04:10 AM »
Hey dude,

For  me that is a sign that you really need to up.your reboot game.  You are on a date with this presumably gorgeous woman and you are thinking about.........porn?  I am not being judgmental here, just trying to get you to see.  You should haven been thinking about yoir date.  How you feel.about her.  Is there a connection?  Wjat is the sexual chemistry like?  What would it be like to.touch and have sex with her?  But your mind jumped to porn.  Do you see how odd that is?

I am not, by any means, saying that you should.ever rush a woman into.sex, but you should be explorimg the possibilities with this person in your own mind. 

Again, none of this js judgmental.  I have definitely been there.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

Thanks @HumbleRich. Yeah I can see what you're getting at. There's a little more to why I got the urge, that I didn't share yesterday.
Basically, another girl had walked passed us and was wearing gym gear. That's what triggered me. In fairness, the other girl looked impressively fit that even my date was looking at her. I didn't really want to share this part yesterday because I just didn't want to come across like a complete dick! "Why are you looking at another girl while you're out on a date with an already nice girl?" Yeah, I know. But I wasn't starring or lusting at her, I just caught a glimpse of her & it sent my brain into temporary meltdown. I guess it's because I'm in the early stages of this reboot and haven't yet hit that plateau of calm that comes later.

I just wanted to be honest & upfront anyway.

So, today I woke up feeling like absolute shit. Tired, groggy, anxious, depressed, worried, headache. I'm only halfway through the day and I feel awful. I took a cold shower this morning to try boost my mood a little but I'm just not myself today. I need to meditate now. Thanks for listening.

Mediadude20

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Re: My Journey 2019
« Reply #43 on: January 19, 2019, 05:32:43 PM »
Well I relapsed last night. So Day "0" again.

I've been feeling really rough the last few days which hasn't helped. I'm definitely coming down with flu or some sort of infection.
I also have alot of family "stuff" happening this week, I won't go into too much detail but my role in the family is a source of stress for me. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I am loved but I am a classic "fixer" and I always get freaked out if there's an argument between any member of the family.

I'm seeing my therapist on Monday and that can't come soon enough. I've alot of issues to work through.
I just hope I feel better soon physically because I'm just so drained.