Author Topic: Another try at an old problem  (Read 7107 times)

Jimbodel

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Another try at an old problem
« on: July 22, 2017, 06:17:59 PM »
Hello all;  Well as with you guys I am trying to stop watching porn.  I have have PIED for several years now, normally I can get it up but would go limp half way through; luckily this has not happened lately but I do notice I will become erect when my wife and I start to fool around but after a bit I will start to go soft.  Normally I can get it back again but there have been occasions when I just give up. 

I noticed that porn was incredibly boring to me, things I use to get turned on by no longer worked, I couldn't even masturbate to porn anymore; and then one day I found stories and that got me going again.  That escalated incredibly quickly to my writing my own stories for myself, the act of writing would get me excited as I carried out my fantasies on paper.

On the 19th of this month I began to record my daily fails or success, if fail what caused it.  The thing I found was that each day (19-22) I have failed and the thing that all those days had in common was that I was bored as my wife was at work or not in the room with me.  Just those few days of tracking made me realize the trigger event which is kind of making me happy; now I know that if my wife just goes into the other room (we have two computers) that I should move my laptop from the table, where she can't see me, to the counter where she can see everything I do.  The second is when she is at work, that will be much harder to control.  I play guitar so that is a possible out although yesterday when I failed I thought of playing guitar, did vocal practice instead, and then sat down on the laptop and worked on my sex story...FAIL.  But the good side is that I never touched a porn site, I find them stupid and boring now, but the stories call to me and there is no way to block them (blocking software was a complete bust for me).

I searched online again out of guilt after I deleted the recent story I had been working on (11 pages); I found the site Art Of Manliness and in his articles he writes to stop thinking of porn as a powerful monster, and more as junk food for the brain.  SHAZAAM!  I am a healthy male who exercises all the time, the worst thing in my house is popping corn as I hate junk food and have no craving for it after I looked at the huge guts my friends have and said "NOT ME."  (No offense to anyone!)

Anyway AOM said to come here and write a journal; as stated I had been doing that on my own since the 19th but if I make it more public maybe it will help. This is my second attempt at quitting, the first time I went about 6 weeks and then failed; but just before I failed I noticed that after sex I was still 75% erect, that was awesome and means there is real hope for me to recover fully from PIED.

So anyway, that is about it for today; I truly hope I succeed.  I can't talk to my wife about this, that would be too hard and disappoint her too much, I don't want to hurt her.  Thus I am hoping that by writing here everyday, even if just a short line or two, I will find fellow struggling people to help me, or perhaps just make myself stand back and look at myself.  Oh yes, I am also trying binaural beats to see if that can help short circuit my noodle, it can't hurt.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2017, 01:13:35 PM by Jimbodel »

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem; THIS TIME I WILL WIN!
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2017, 01:13:05 PM »
 :D Man do I feel good!  Yesterday my wife came home from work and normally I would just say hello and that would be it; this time I gave her a kiss and joked around with her.  Watching tv last night and today and normally if I saw a sexy woman I would freeze the screen and oogle her, even with my wife sitting beside me but now I just keep on going.  The cheerleaders didn't even make me stop, although I did quickly stop to look at the ugly uniforms, stripes on the chest and what looks like granny underwear for the bottoms, horrible, but I quickly went on and it was not sex related.   Also my wife was in her computer room which would normally be a trigger to start writing a story but instead I grabbed my guitar and messed around with some songs instead.

How am I doing it so quickly?  As soon as a porn thought enters my head I say to myself "porn sucks, it is garbage, it is junk food and crap!"  For me it is working and I love it.  I am currently listening to a subliminal porn stop audio as I type this too.

I feel so happy and uplifted inside, it is crazy and amazing and I am confident it will last because this time I am going to make it.  The other times were a "try," but this time is a "do".

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem; THIS TIME I WILL WIN!
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2017, 09:23:04 PM »
24 Jul 17  :D

Still going strong and feeling good.  Went for my run today, normally when I run I distract myself from the miles by thinking up stories in my head but today I fought every urge; as soon as anything to do with porn popped into my head I said to myself "porn sucks, it's crap, it is junk food for the brain and total garbage!"  So far so good but it is still early.

The nice thing is I am having sexual urges and it isn't for porn, it is for sex with my wife.  :P

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2017, 01:10:41 PM »
25 Jul, day 6.  Yesterday was harder, started having more urges; it didn't help when a girl at the store was walking around with almost nothing on either!  Nothing worse than a 17 - 18yo showing what she has (and then getting mad when you look).  Found myself repeating my phrase over and over to combat my noodle.  Today and tomorrow will be a true test as my wife works these days and I will have the run of the house to myself.  I can still see that girl in my head, that is not good.  :-\


Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2017, 06:48:19 PM »
Small slip up so far today, watching tv and hot babe not wearing bra with pokies; freeze the screen and grab down below but after 20 seconds I stopped, WHAT AM I DOING!  Now I am not going to stop looking at girls, after all that is just plain human nature and to try and force one self to not be human is stupid, however, I must force myself to stop doing the things I normally do when I see a babe, and that is the hard part.

Bloody hell this is hard, how did I do 6 weeks before?

**Well I survived today by keeping myself busy with my guitar and learning a new song, Rolling Stones: No Expectations.  Still I am not sure what posting on this board is doing for me more than just writing in my Word journal, except that I don't have to password protect here.**
« Last Edit: July 26, 2017, 09:56:00 PM by Jimbodel »

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2017, 02:58:17 PM »
27 Jul day 8.  Well I have realized something, porn was making me very angry, I mean I was ready to go to war with everyone for anything!  I am still suffering from it but to a lesser degree; but I did flip off the garbage man the other day but then again he was collecting garbage on a 2 lane highway and instead of moving his truck off the road he just blocked the lane, with no passing allowed and lots of traffic the other way.  Shake your head.  And not only have I been suffering from disappearing erections but from inability to ejaculate too! 

The other night my wife and I were having sex and just as I was about to finish it all went away, like someone poured cold water on me!  I didn't realize that porn can cause this, bloody hell.  Luckily I quickly got my wife into a new position and was able to finish but I still caught myself thinking of porn or girls I have seen while doing it.  That isn't good and totally ignorant to my wife.

At least today I feel the urge for sex but porn isn't calling my name, and that is HUGE!  Well actually it is calling, but I am ignoring it as porn is stupid, it is crap, it is junk food for the brain and it is garbage.

BTW - more about me: I am 52 and have been watching porn since before the internet was around, going onto bulletin boards looking for nude pictures.  I have been married for 30 years to the same woman.  When I watch porn I notice I pick her body apart, but this last week instead of picking her body apart I was staring at her ass as she bent over to put on her shoes and sneaking peeks down her top.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2017, 03:01:45 PM by Jimbodel »

TakeActionNow

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2017, 05:07:25 PM »
Jim,
I really like how you have named porn as what it is: junk/crap/garbage.

anger is an interesting revelation for me too.
in the past i would redirect the arising anger within me back at the source with full blame and resentment
today i would work to transform that anger into energizing energy and apply it to make meaningful and positive change and improvement in my and other's lives.
please try that.

another thing is have a deep think on why porn makes us angry.
it will serve as an additional pillar of reason why we want to rid porn from our lives.

what we have after so many years of porn use are some deep rooted habits.
it will take a while to clear them and start seeing and embracing reality as it is.

thank you for sharing your experience
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Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2017, 05:25:08 PM »
Hi T.A.N;  Anger arises from low self esteem I am sure, I had a very bad childhood, being raised without parents (both alcoholics) and the police were more parent figure than they were but not in a good way.  This last week I have found myself calming down greatly, but as I said I still flipped off buddy yesterday which thinking with a level head I should not have, he was doing his job, but they have to come up with a better system than blocking highway traffic.  Watching porn always makes me feel incredibly guilty afterward, so it probably lowers my self worth and makes me feel even more like a loser; so to prop myself up I degrade everyone else.

SUCKS. 

My wife has a friend who is psychic, she does not know me, but she said that my mother came through to her and told her I have to let go of my anger and that she is sorry.  I do believe in paranormal myself and I asked my wife and she said she never mentioned anything about me to her friend.  The psychic said her heart breaks for me, my wife cried when she heard a bit of my story, and my friend's girlfriend who is a psychology professor at a big university said she was going to cry when I got to talking about it over beer.

But then...boohoo me, everyone has a story.  :P

Thanks for taking the time to read, I appreciate it.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2017, 06:00:39 PM »
Jim,
thanks for sharing and reaching out. I really appreciate it.
Our past we have no control over, but how we live from this point onwards we have full choice and control. Take that, own it, and see your personal vision through.

You have the maturity and clarity to recognize your actions and its consequences.
This means you can take that important step of deciding what you want to do instead.
This is big. Own it.

Letting go is so important
look at our hands. if we are holding to something big, can we hold something else? No
that is the meaning of letting go.
only in letting go can we let something else in.
if what we are holding on is pain, anger and resentment, can love come in ?
No
there is no space.
So we must must must learn and let go
let go and look forward to receive new and better gifts of life

Let go, look forward only and own your actions.
Keep visualizing a wonderful and happy life, and in no time you will be there.

Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2017, 03:42:48 PM »
28 July - day 9

Well I easily survived the two days my wife was at work which is great.  Normally as soon as she walked out the door I would hit the internet and watch crap for 7 hours straight; I would have to force myself to grab something to eat, which I would eat in front of the screen, and a shower would wait until almost 4pm.  But the last two days I have beaten the urge with my saying that is working for me.

And today I noticed I was checking out my wife again as we got ready to exercise; the way I look at her when I watch porn, and when I don't is night and day.  When I watch it is "why do you look like that, you suck, I should get a divorce and chase something young," but when not on porn I realize how hot she is and what a lucky guy I am.

That garbage really is a bad drug that warps our brains.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2017, 05:30:21 PM »
30 Jul - Day 11

Wow tough night last night and today, porn popping into my head all over the place!  Having sex with the wife and had to force myself to get the stupid sex scenes out of my head and just enjoy the moment; and today is even worse!  My brain is telling me to just "go for it" but my will power is putting up a spirited resistance.  I will win, I am sure of it, but it is a slugging match today.  Did some yard work and that got my mind off of it but as soon as I came back into the house, well guess what was there to meet me.

Listening to Matrixplay99 porn subliminal right now to help cut the urge; I am sure it is just because every time I quit porn I become a horny dog and when I watch it sex doesn't interest me at all, I deem it a chore.

js2004

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2017, 08:27:34 PM »
Keep going, it gets much easier.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2017, 04:27:53 PM »
30 July - day 12

Thanks JS. 

So last night my wife and I are fooling around, and just as I am about to finish all of a sudden all sensation is gone and so is my erection; BLOODY HELL!  That is the very worst part about PIED for me, just as I am about to finish suddenly all sensation leaves and I go limp; I must have just got lucky that one night where even after we were done I was still hard, must have been channeling 20 year old testosterone.

Plus in the back of my head a little voice was saying "so what if you look at sex videos every once in a while, it's ok, go ahead"; so I stabbed myself in the brain and told it to shut up!  :o

It does make me wonder if those "anti-porn" subliminal also affect your normal sexual being; perhaps I will stop listening to them and see if anything changes.  Now that I think on it, I don't think I had been listening to them my one great night.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2017, 04:30:04 PM by Jimbodel »

js2004

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2017, 05:00:56 PM »
Does your wife know you are struggling?  I didn't do anything with my wife for the first 3 weeks of my reboot.  It made it so much more enjoyable and I really didn't have any P on my mind either. 
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2017, 08:54:14 PM »
2 Aug - Day 14

Hi JS;  No I would never tell my wife about it, I would be too embarrassed.  A few more times P has popped into my head but each time I have been able to defeat it which is great.  I am also starting to wonder if fatigue has a hand in all this "limp" stuff; as I said to my wife many times, "remember when we were 20 and we would go on 2 hours sleep just to have sex, now we go to bed at 1030 and say "sex or sleep" and choose sleep.

That one night where I was still erect after we were done I was super horny, but the night I went soft I could have taken or left sex and when I am like that well that is the time I start to think of the stuff I have seen on the net to try and get the libido up.

But on the good side it is now 2 weeks, but still I have done 6 before and then fell off the wagon.

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2017, 05:23:45 AM »
Understood.  Not sure what to tell you regarding the PIED.  I'm not really sure I had that issue.  I thought the same thing with my wife and she was really good about it. I guess I'm lucky in that respect.  Anyways keep going. But make sure you have a strategy in place.  The urges will continue and 99% will get easier but as I have found you can't let any little bit of P into your life, even searching FB and P of the mind can mess with you.  I'm learning that rebooting really is changing the lifestyle and the way we think. 
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2017, 05:40:06 PM »
5 Aug - Day 17

Time is marching along and though the devil is on my shoulder I am able to smack him between the eyes and tell him to piss off.  Made out with the wife last night and even though I was very tired (VERY) I was able to do the job which is good news.  Once done I don't even remember putting my head down, I just passed out asleep.

I watched THE GREAT PORN EXPERIMENT yesterday, very interesting and informative.

Reading other people's stories helps a huge amount.


Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #17 on: August 06, 2017, 08:15:12 PM »
6 Aug - day 18

Well today I started to M and after about 30 seconds my brain said to me "this is really boring!"  and it was right, I have no idea what the attraction was to that but it isn't there anymore, most likely because the sex between my wife and I is better.  Now that P is out of the picture the PIED is gone, no problem getting it up as long as it isn't 1130 at night, and that is just being old.

I have no inclination to look at porn, as I said long ago I find it all very boring and I had switched to stories.  I do find myself watching TV and thinking "that would make a great story" but nothing comes of it.

I notice my wife hugs me more now, I think she can sense the more loving and caring me instead of the guy who looked at P and compared her to it.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #18 on: August 07, 2017, 05:39:41 PM »
7 Aug - day 19

Just my daily check it; all is going great really as I have zero interest in porn but some interest in M, but I don't have a problem with that as even when I watched P I didn't M most of the time.  My only fear is if I do M it will trigger P.

My wife and I were looking at a normal picture so I clicked on "go to website" and of course a full page naked chick showed up; swore and closed it, tried the link again and same thing.  Guess I will have to install a P blocker.

Jimbodel

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Partial fail?
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2017, 01:44:10 PM »
Aug 8 - day 20

Partial fail today  :-\

I didn't look at porn but scenes from the stories I had written kept popping into my head which led to M although I didn't finish.  None the less I am disappointed.  Not sure if I call it a fail or a slip and keep going. I feel pretty sad about it as I didn't even really try to stop it either until I realized what I was doing and quit M.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #20 on: August 08, 2017, 02:34:44 PM »
Ok it is a fail as reading reboot basics they state fantasying is as bad as watching but masturbating is not a fail.  I have no urge to watch at all but I do have it pop into my head often.

So tomorrow will be day 1 again, but I have learned something and that is important.

js2004

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2017, 02:48:49 PM »
Same thing happened to me and I didn't "count" it because I felt like I didn't really fail. I felt like in  the end it was a win because I didn't really use P and I never had an O.  So sit down later this evening and look at what you did leading up to that point and exactly what you felt leading up to that point also. Journal it, learn from it and move on by going forward and not looking back. This is the advice someone gave me. Just my two cents.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Jimbodel

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2017, 05:39:25 PM »
Hi JS;  what led up to it was numerous erections last night while sleeping, just crazy and then watching Married with Children today which is basically porn with clothing!  Have you ever noticed that your sleeping erections are bigger and harder than your conscious ones?  I will have to think on whether I count it a failure, I did let scenes from my stories pop into my head at times but like you I never finished.  Will see what I think tomorrow.

Thanks for the feed back.

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2017, 06:41:44 PM »
Jim,
dont be so hard on yourself.

The process of recovery is about awareness and reconnection.
That you are aware is already a good sign of recovery.

You are not perfect.
Do not expect that just because you are going through reboot you will 100% not have desires. The human body, mind and emotions are not a rigid system.
It is like an ocean with currents and storms.

In time your waves of desires will slowly subside, and be replaced with calm and still stability.
Until then, you just need to watch yourself and not be sucked into it unconsciously, and not do things that promote it.

I will not count this as a failing, but as a learning.
If you didn't learn, then you need to fail.
but if you have learnt, do not judge yourself harshly, because you are already moving in the right direction.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

js2004

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Re: Another try at an old problem
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2017, 08:36:27 PM »
I hear you and yes, I have that same issue when I sleep.  It wakes me up often.  I really view it as a super positive because it tells me the signs of aging aren't really that sever as my knees and back and every other joint I have in my body.  Anyways, what TAN said is right, if you don't learn then you failed. 
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.