I want my life back

This is my first journal entry.  I am a 56 year old man, been fapping since age 13 or 14; a very long time.  Like most people my age it started with magazines, developed into movies, then came the vcr, the dvd, the home computer, and finally the smart phone.  I have 17 years sobriety from alcohol but have not been to an AA meeting for 8-10 years.  No real temptation to drink.  This PMO addiction has been killing me slowly for years.  I told myself I would stop when I turned 18, when I got into college, when I got out of college, when I turned 21, when I got married, when I got divorced, when I got remarried, blah, blah, blah.  I found the information on addiction at YBOP eye-opening and hoped just knowing the brain science would be enough for me to finally quit; it wasn't.  I had a period of 22 days back in April-May.  That was the longest period in many years.  Since then I've gone an hour, a day, 5 days was the longest, I think.  I was a regular member of SA but have not been back there for years either and have no desire to go back.  I am hoping that commitment to getting clean and reliance on this and other websites will finally help me get out of this hell I've been in.  I am in my second marriage, about 3 weeks short of our 20th anniversary.  Two kids from each marriage the eldest being 27, the youngest 15.  I told them all about the alcohol addiction but not about this one.  I told my wife when I was going to SA for the first time about 16 years ago.  Our relationship has never been the same since.  I read the inspiring messages of guys who have clocked serious recovery time and that it what I really want, not the images I've trained my brain to crave.  That's enough for now.  Best of luck to all of you here.

alamar

Welcome

I've done a lot of drugs and alcohol in my days and smoked cigarettes for many years and was able to quit them all but nothing  is as hard as this pmo addiction for me personally at least. Not saying its the same for everyone but it is for me. The accessibility of porn is right there staring at you at all times i.e. computer, tablet, smartphone and even bill boards as you drive through the city. Is it no wander its so difficult. What's different this time for me is that I can share my battle with people that are in the same predicament as I am since joining reboot nation as with you I am new to this forum and I have hope this will finally take me out of this dark place.

welcome and good luck

  When it was mentioned by alamar about wanting to quit at 18, it reminded me about me thinking to myself before my 16th birthday that I was going to stop jerking off, probably had been doing it for 3 years then.  I knew nothing about addiction, in fact it was probably not an addiction, just something boys do. My problem feel was that as I got older, dating age,the masturbation caused me not to seek out company of girls. I had sex a few times before I meet my future wife,with some loose girls in my neighborhood,and once oral with a hooker in the back of a grocery store. While dating my wife we had plenty of sex, but I do remember still masturbating . After getting married, I did on many times visit hookers. Still had an active sex life with my wife and still masturbated plenty.  After my wife passed away I had freedom to use the Internet and cable to stimulate me. About 3 years ago I began dating a lady and we have relations once or twice a week,that's when I noticed some ED. Went and got Viagra and it worked fine. But still spent a lot time on the net edging for hours. I came across this and another site last week, and so far after having sex last weekend have been able to not JO and not look at porn. Hope it pays off when I get together with my lady in the next few days. Good luck to us all .

I have not written anything in quite some time and I guess that's part of the problem.  I had 50 days of no pmo-ing that ended at the end of October.  That was probably the longest streak I've ever had since I started pmo-ing circa 1969-1970.  Then I had another 20-day streak and now I'm at one week.  I so want to be rid of this forever.  Only you guys can appreciate what it has taken from me and prevented me from doing over the last 40+ years.  I quit smoking at age 24 (32 years ago) and drinking at age 39 (17 years ago) but this addiction is just much harder.  I understand the brain science since finding ybop and that has been both a tremendous help and a great relief.  Unfortunately, just knowing what's happening doesn't keep it from happening.  I'm trying to keep it in the moment, focus on the positive and realize that I can't undo the past but I can make the right choices right now.  I can't make choices in the past or in the future, only right now.  Like they used to tell me in AA, "just keep doing the next right thing."  I've been reading up on withdrawal symptoms, how to recognize them and what to do about them.  In my 50-day streak I was at the point where I welcomed them as progress, as written so eloquently on this site by William.  I guess that's enough for now.  I just wanted to say something so that I feel like I'm part of the community, not just someone looking at it from the outside like it's a terrarium.  All the best guys.  Alamar

alamar365 said:

I can't make choices in the past or in the future, only right now.  Like they used to tell me in AA, "just keep doing the next right thing." 

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I like that. Thanks for sharing it.  Glad you're back to get the support you need, and to help support others.  The more of us in this "community" helping one another, the better. 

Thanks for replying Challenged.  It also helps me to know that someone is listening and giving feedback. 

Went to a Christmas party last at a friend's  house.  It was good to do a little socializing but there was a woman there who I kept looking at--hope my wife didn't notice but either way it's not a good thing for me to be doing.  Woke up this morning feeling a little frisky then saw an ad with the picture of a well known shapely model.  I felt a mixture of excitement,  anticipation,  and fear that I would act out and suffer the consequences.  Instead I listened to a recording that's helped me get over these kind of moments in the past. If I knew how to add a link I would do it but since I don't I'll  just tell you and you can Google it.  It's called "urge surfing" a recording by an addiction therapist named Sara Bowen. I've recommended it before and everyone who's tried it has found it helpful.  Now that I feel confident in not going to act out and self destruct,  I'm going to get on that elliptical machine. Just keep doing the next right thing. Have a great day guys.