Author Topic: Back on the wagon  (Read 8513 times)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #75 on: July 20, 2017, 08:09:13 AM »
Hey PE30,

Just read your first journal entry and scanned some of the others. I get really great sense of commitment and God working through your life. I've studied up on all the science and continue to do so, along with my support group, but the most powerful remedy so far for me is staying close to God and trusting the power of Jesus as you noted in your last post.

Anyway, I wish you all the best along the journey, and leave you with a scripture that has helped me get through this day.

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #76 on: July 21, 2017, 02:50:06 AM »
Oh hey, thank you for the encouragement. It's much appreciated!

That Bible verse is apt for me at the moment - I am slightly fearful about next week as I'm going to be away from my wife for seven nights. It's been a time where I've really struggled in the past, and I need to commit myself from that first night, that I will behave as if she was right there with me. But as you said, God didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

Anyway - it's day 44. Last night my wife and I started packing up our house in readiness for all the work that's being done over the weekend. It was a good evening and very companionable. I love her so much and I'm going to miss her and the girls next week.

I'm thinking:
Monday - get some shopping in, maybe go for a long walk in the evening;
Tuesday / Wednesday - attend staff briefings so I won't be home til 9ish. Work a long day;
Thursday - maybe go to the cinema in the evening?
Friday/Saturday/Sunday - hang out at the folk festival for the evening

No porn, no chatrooms, no MOing, no compromise. Pray for me!
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #77 on: July 21, 2017, 07:43:35 AM »
Sending you prayers that your mind be calm and focused. That you are fully present in all of the things you are doing throughout the day and that you are quick to realize when distraction starts creeping in. Affix your mind on fruits of the spirit:
Love- that you be filled with love your others, for your family, your wife, and yourself. Damaging and destructive behavior is not loving yourself or anyone else.
Joy- be filled with joy for all things!
Peace- do not sit in anxiety but be filled with peace and knowing that you have the power to beat this.
Patience- be calm and know it just takes time. Each moment that you abstain is another moment won. As they build it will get easier.
Kindness- be filled with kindness. There really isn't much kindness in porn. Take it a step further and maybe anytime you feel tempted do something kind for someone else. Replace the old behavior with kindness. It could be as simple as wishing someone a good day. Your heart will change though the small steps.
Goodness- affix your mind of things that are good. Good for the world, for your family, and for you.
Gentleness- Be gentle and gracious with yourself. Know that this addiction is here but don't be hard as that will turn to shame. Be gentle with yourself and let go of the negativity. Remind yourself that your are taking steps towards a healthy future.
Self-control- This is the big one right here. WHen it comes to addiction this is usually the missing piece. Learn to develop self-control. Know that when you are excersizing self-control that this is a fruit of the spirit. You are displaying better to the world who God is. You are leading by example what it looks like to turn your life around and experience a transformation.

Hang in there. You are doing a great job and you are not alone.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #78 on: July 22, 2017, 07:42:43 AM »
Thank you for your prayers aquarius- much appreciated!

Anyway today is day 45. Been packing our house up ready for building works and have been quite busy. Having my mind occupied with other stuff is quite handy really- sometimes I can overthink things!

Anyway, just checking in. All is good.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #79 on: July 24, 2017, 03:05:02 AM »
Today is day 47. And tonight is the first night of being alone.

I must admit, it's difficult to not feel horny - it's been six days since I last had sex and the idea of another 7 days without is kind of daunting. I'm thinking that it might just be best to ride those feelings out and not act on them, rather than trying to ignore / suppress them? Maybe if I just think/talk to myself: "yes, you're feeling horny - but that's because (a) you've not had sex since last Tuesday and (b) you're home alone tonight - and your private parts will not suffer if you ignore them!"

Because I'm not breaking my reboot if my hormones start kicking up. The problems start if I start thinking about going on chat room, P sites, subs etc. And all those things are out of bounds for the week.

I'm going to the cinema tonight to watch Dunkirk. Beforehand, I'm getting a bit of shopping in. So I've got plenty to keep me occupied.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #80 on: July 25, 2017, 12:35:28 AM »
Hey man,
I read great strength coming from you, very positive indeed. I can related to the insanity of thinking, but as you've done here, become aware of them and what might happen and trust that you will come out victorious in Christ, Amen.
Take care man, my prayers are with you..

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #81 on: July 25, 2017, 02:40:45 AM »
Day 48

For the sake of full disclosure: I had a really horny dream last night and must have been masturbating in my sleep, because I ended up ejaculating. I was just about conscious when I woke up so I was aware of myself ejaculating, but I didn't really have a proper orgasm as such, it was more of a physical release.

I felt really guilty / awful afterwards, as if the devil had played a trick on me. But I'm keeping my counter at day 48 because I was barely aware of what I was doing.

I managed a night away from my wife without porn or chatrooms or conscious masturbation. Six to go.

Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #82 on: July 25, 2017, 05:51:21 AM »
hey man, don t worry much about it
and don t put your entire attention on it-it happens, you are P free and the rest is just the reactions of your body and motoric brain.
be present during the day, do your daily staff, don t forget to take some time to enjoy the day and whatever good is there.
much blessings,

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #83 on: July 26, 2017, 02:51:05 AM »
Day 49

Not a great night sleep - was over-thinking a whole load of stuff. However, I didn't M or MO, didn't watch P or subs, and so I survived.

This is a tough week so far. I needed to prepare. I'm glad I did. But I'm surviving, one day at a time. If I can get to next Monday, porn and chat room free, I'll be very happy.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #84 on: July 26, 2017, 04:52:53 AM »
hey man,
good thing is: you are aware, you are prepared!!!
So it does not take you by surprise.

At the end of the day it s only one week, and you are doing so far really good.
Just keep the right focus, go through the day with joy, because it is Gods grace brought you so far
Be thankful and ask for a help when you need, I am sure God is close to you-He is there for you!!
I think and pray that you go through this with great courage and joy :)
much blessings,

Totem

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #85 on: July 26, 2017, 02:00:55 PM »
Keep on man!

About overthinking there's couple of techniques that you can try:
- meditation
- intense excercise

Also try not to go to bed unless you are exhausted mentally (from day activites) or really sleepy.
No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #86 on: July 31, 2017, 12:36:32 AM »
Hi all

DAY 54. I made it. No porn, no chat rooms.

It was tough though. I had someone flirting quite heavily with me and in spite of everything I was tempted to get involved with her. I didn't- but I was naive- before this week I'd been texting her platonically.

I think there's still a huge part of me that hasn't properly healed ... Why do I still crave? Why do I still want something that's not mine to have? It's ridiculous.

Nevertheless, I survived. And I have to be grateful for that. I would say I scraped a pass rather than getting a distinction, but still. Crucially, I was not tempted by porn or chat rooms. So the root issues still need fleshing out but the chat rooms are, at least for now, defeated.

In other news, I got hit by a van whilst cycling, and fell off my bike. I have fractured my thumb and elbow! My right arm is in a cast ... This does act as a certain physical deterrent!

Anyway thanks for your support. I would not have got this far without you.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #87 on: August 01, 2017, 07:17:14 PM »
Wow! I am so sorry to hear about your accident. I am glad you are ok and keeping an upbeat attitude! Keep up the good work!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #88 on: August 09, 2017, 05:05:50 AM »
DAY 63

I've set my goals counter to 120 but I made it to my first landmark!

Every day is a daily battle though: not to objectify, not to slip, to own my addiction and subject it to my will. I thought I would feel a real sense of achievement about reaching day 60, but I realise that I will never fully be fixed. I just have to learn to live with my addiction, not to let it ruin me, not to wallow in self pity but to rejoice in the good I have in my life.

My arm is still sore but I am trying to reduce my use of painkillers! (This is the UK - I'm using ibuprofen not Xanax ;) so it's less about dependency and more about avoiding damage to my stomach). Am back in work now and typing slowly.

Apologies for not having been on here much - I was on holiday for nearly a fortnight and didn't have internet access. Hope you've all been okay. Keep fighting.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #89 on: August 10, 2017, 07:07:48 AM »
Day 64

It's nine weeks since Day 1 - it's been a tough battle. My counselling session was useful yesterday: we talked a lot about self-compassion (which is the opposite of what I practice!). I had a lovely evening with my wife - I've been able to talk quite openly with her. It was my birthday on Tuesday, so I bought myself a new rucksack with some birthday money.

It's been useful to trace things back: I used porn and chat rooms because I felt the need to feel attractive, validated, valued and even loved. This need stemmed from a childhood where I was validated almost exclusively for my academic achievements rather than for being me. And actually, I'm never going to win this battle if I don't learn how to be good to myself, to be kind to myself, and to do these things in healthy ways.

Guys, I'd really encourage you to dig deep with your battle. Ask yourself why you're in this situation; own your addiction and subject it to your control. And be kind to yourselves.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #90 on: August 11, 2017, 03:03:24 AM »
Day 65

Feeling a bit low this morning. I seem to be oscillating wildly at the moment from believing nice things about myself to realising that I have behaved in a horrible way towards women for the majority of my adult life. I know that I need to be kind to myself but I can't help but feel incredible anger towards myself for the way I've behaved and the impact it's had on my adult life.

Which makes the daily victory over porn and chatrooms feel a little hollow.

 
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

HumbleRich

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #91 on: August 11, 2017, 05:41:38 AM »
It isn't hollow.  Not at all.  Focus on who you are now.  I, just like you, have a bad history with women.  Those I dated.  Even classmates in college.  I definitely do not like tbe person I was.  Just keep moving forward wnd focus on who you are becoming.  Keep up the good work.

HumbleRich

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #92 on: August 11, 2017, 06:39:48 AM »
Thanks man. I feel a bit better now - I've got a lot on at the moment and it's easy to lose perspective.

I guess I have to look at it like this:

- Between the ages of 19 and 35 (but particularly in those last four or five years) I was in the grips of a porn and chatroom addiction;
- Between the ages of 35 and 37 I was still addicted but was able to stay clean for weeks, even months at a time.
- I'm 38 and my addiction is still with me, but I am clean and fighting.

I guess I want to look back at, say, 40, and think "yep, I'm in control of this". At 45, 50, 55, 60... and so on. And in the meantime I need to know that these bad days don't last. They're just days. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow; blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #93 on: August 11, 2017, 01:36:04 PM »
I think you are doing incredibly well! This realization about how my husband viewed women hit him pretty hard for a while too. He felt pretty low and I saw that as a good sign. The fact that he could step back and see what was not ok and what was ok shows huge progress. Something he has done since then, I think as a sort of amends, is he donates and helps organizations that help women who experience the negative sides of porn and trafficking. We have a business that makes artistic lights and furniture. He donates some of the pieces to auctions that help these organizations. We also have a friend who owns a tattoo parlour and she does cover-ups for girls who have been branded by their pimps and who have escaped. He donates to her cause to help cover the cost of ink and things. It isn't anything huge but it is a small step. Both of us feel like at least there is one positive that has come out of something so negative.  Don't focus on feeling bad about who you were yesterday. Focus on who you are today and how you will be better tomorrow. Live each day to the fullest, with integrity, living with the knowledge that you are perfectly made. You are unique and perfect. Share that with the world to make this place better!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #94 on: August 14, 2017, 03:15:15 AM »
Ugh this site is so glitchy! I wrote about three paragraphs and it just got deleted.

Anyway it's day 68. Felt some feelings of temptation over the weekend but was able to ignore them. I've had some low moments but have been okay overall.

Aquarius - that's a good idea. My friend has worked for International Justice Mission (if you've heard of them) and so I might set up a regular payment to them. I'm also wondering if I'll ever be used to encourage others in the same situation as me. I try to do that to an extent on here but it's trickier in real life.
Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #95 on: August 14, 2017, 10:17:55 AM »
I agree in real life it is harder. My husband joined a 12 step group that is PA's and sex addicts as well. We also met with our Pastor and talked about our experience and mentions that we would be interested in meeting and praying with others who are in this place. It is always scary at first but that is when I am reminded that my provision and my security is based in Christ and I wouldn't want my fear to keep God from using me to make in difference. I pray an acknowledgement of my fear and ask for support and courage. As a result of doing this, I am now organizing a group set up anonymously (like a 12 step) but specifically for partners of PA's so we have encouraged, support, and connect with each other. I think you are doing a great job in all aspects of your recovery. Continue to press forward and know you are not alone and that God has a plan and you have the support of the kingdom of Christ, you have nothing to fear. If my husband and I can ever be of any help feel free to reach out!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #96 on: August 15, 2017, 03:15:43 AM »
Yeah there are twelve people in real life who know about my problems: my wife and I; the six members of our leadership team at church; my good friend Andy (pastor of my old church) and his wife; and an old mentor of mine and his wife. That's not many. It took guts to open up to one person... but I'd be so honoured to help someone else who is struggling with the same issue.

Anyway in terms of my own addiction: I'm 69 days clean. The temptation is still there but it's under control. Maybe it will recede at some point, but that's not really the point. God is faithful and will provide a way to stand while I am under temptation (1 Cor 10v13). I had a good evening last night - the kitchen is taking shape, which is nice :)

Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #97 on: August 16, 2017, 03:27:38 AM »
Day 70

Not an awful lot to report. Was feeling pretty low about myself last night - my brain kept flashing back to the mistakes I've made. I just long to get to a place where I truly feel happy within myself! That's the key. Chat rooms have soothed that need in the past, but they are destructive. I've got a few options in my mind as to what to do with all of this free time in the future. I've got a couple of ideas, which I'm going to run past my friends later.



Porn, chat-room and M/MO free since 2 February 2018.

cknfella

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #98 on: August 16, 2017, 05:07:39 AM »
Hey man,

Great job on 70 days...it's really exciting!

A few things I find to be helpful when urges hit:
- Workout
- Hanging with friends
- Spending time with my kids
- Date with my wife
- Just getting out of the house
- Pick up the phone to call a friend - can be a great distraction.


Pinpoint where you struggle the most...for me it's the weekends...
and then build a battle plan to keep you from being alone.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #99 on: August 16, 2017, 07:48:25 AM »
Remember that you can give yourself grace. It's ok to be disappointed with past actions. They happened and you can't change that. But don't sit and dwell there, that will just ruin tomorrow too. Instead, decide today that you will be better than yesterday. When you allow God to move, you put this situation into his hands. Submit and say yeah I screwed up and miss the mark, help me get back on track. Well, that is when he can use you to create something great. I look at my husband's addiction and my own process of healing. It's not over, not sure it ever really is "over" but I am slowly starting to see how he is taking this mess and making a testimony of transformation, healing, and grace. He is using our weaknesses to tell a story of how with him they become our strengths. The past is the past, yes your actions have consequences, but who do you want to be tomorrow? Be that person. Live that life. Know that you have the capacity for greatness. You were perfectly handcrafted, you were made with intention, the creator of the universe wanted you here. He has plans for you. Live those plans. Allowing fear and regret prevents us from clearly hearing his truth. You can do this and you have the support of this community and the creator of the universe. You are good. You are worthy of love. It's ok to love yourself and be happy.