Author Topic: Back on the wagon  (Read 9870 times)

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #25 on: June 27, 2017, 12:37:19 PM »
yes man, in three weeks it got harder also by me...
make sure you relax good after work,
do you have hobbys? something that you enjoy?
I think having good rest is very important, but maybe not easy when you have a family.
still try to find time for you.

I think the best is to live one day at a time, don t worry too much about what comes, it is important who you are now and how you develop yourself...all the other staff you don t need.
enjoy your day!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #26 on: June 28, 2017, 05:18:45 AM »
Thanks Vardan. I'll PM you back.

Day 21 - had a second counselling session. It feels a bit like going to a chiropractor for the brain - afterwards I feel a bit unsettled and not quite right, but I think that it's probably doing good. He's quite tough with me.

He was talking about how it might be helpful to think of this addiction as always being there. To hold it, contain it, treat it with a healthy fear. I've come unstuck too many times when I've assumed that I'm safe or thought "yeah, just one day of messing around will be fine". If it's a lifelong fight then so be it.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #27 on: June 28, 2017, 07:05:40 AM »
My husband remarked on a video he watched recently just before he joined a 12 group. He had watched a video of an PA talking and in the video, he has said he was 20 years clean. He would refer to himself as a recovered addict. The label addict is there for a lifetime but the difference was recovery to recoverd. He is always an addict, where he is with it is what changes. For my husband, he said it really caught him off guard. He was surprised because he had never really considered his addiction a lifetime thing. He assumed that once you are over it, your done. You can just check the box and move on. It wasn't till then that he really started to understand the nature of addiction. Once he really started learning and understanding this his recovery took on a deeper layer of intensity and he started to really show deep improvement if finding the root cause and understanding himself with this addiction. Before he wasn't watching porn but he also wasn't really recovering either. You can stop watching porn and never really change the way you view things.That isn't recovery that is just abstaining from one thing and most likely replacing it with something else.

Sound like you are really working on a life change. Great job!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #28 on: June 28, 2017, 08:14:26 AM »
I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!

HOWEVER - I have been given the tools I need to make the right choices to ensure that this addiction does not destroy me. And I guess that's something.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #29 on: June 29, 2017, 04:21:27 AM »
Three weeks in :)

And i'm working from home today, and (so far) the temptation to go back to my old ways isn't really there too badly! I've made one change: I'm working from my living room rather than my bedroom. Somehow the change of scenery is helping - the curtains are open and people can see into the living room, which keeps me accountable.

I think that I'm starting to build up positive pathways. I'm listening to a lot of music, I'm reading theological blogs, I'm trying to think outside of the world of computers and screens and appreciate the things around me.

I'm also trying to be aware of my own body. That it's okay to feel a bit horny and that the world isn't going to end if I don't do anything about it.

I've got SO FAR to go before I reach my 60 day milestone. But I'm a third of the way in.
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Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #30 on: June 29, 2017, 08:41:23 AM »
Hey PE 30,

Congrats with 3 weeks!!!Cool!!!
Yes, working from home is good only if you stay accountable (so living room is a good idea).
Which music you like the most? if you need some suggestions let me know (but only concerning classics, or old fashioned music :) )
For me it is also like this: yesterday I really enjoyed my dinner with some friends and I thought about that as well:there is a life outside computers and it s much better.
Do you do sport? I find fitness really a good thing during the reboot.
It also helps to get rid of stress.





Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2017, 08:44:40 AM »
I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!


I also don t connect much my faith directly to the healing from addiction.There are several indirect connections, but praying and getting healed, I also didnot succeed in that .
I remember once I was in a conference where the pastor said: you need to pray and stop watching porn. Before that he said that he never watched porn. I found it a bit ignorant: you don t say to drug addict, pray and get rid of it. And it indeed sounds easy when you never used drugs (porn or whatever) by yourself.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #32 on: June 29, 2017, 10:43:16 AM »
I think that pastors are often generalists and don't have a really good understanding of other people's issues. I remember having a long chat with my pastor about mental health issues and explaining to him: you can't just expect someone with depression to snap out of it. That you would treat mental health like physical health and put in a recovery plan - like physiotherapy for the mind.

I PMed you with some stuff about praying, about faith and such like but really, the emphasis isn't as faith as a means of healing, but faith as a good thing and a way of putting your life in perspective. I hope it made sense!

And in terms of music - I listen to a lot of indie, alternative, electronica, folk, that sort of thing. I've been watching a lot of the Glastonbury coverage!

I am not sporty as such but I cycle and walk lots. I love the outdoors.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #33 on: June 30, 2017, 02:35:58 AM »
Day 23

I am full of guilt and remorse today for what I've done in my past. I can't believe that I got myself in such a mess. I can't believe that I allowed myself to fall so far. I just feel awful about what I've done, the hurt I've caused, the risks I've taken, all for my own selfish ends. I wish I could experience forgiveness but these waves of regret and fear keep coming in every so often.

Ugh. It's horrible. I guess it's no less than I deserve, though.

Porn free since 2 February 2018.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #34 on: June 30, 2017, 04:55:00 AM »
Sorry, that was a bit of an emotional outburst. I might list some positives instead as actually I'm on day 23 and that's no bad thing:

- I have gone 23 days without: using chat rooms, PMO, MO, sexting
- I have deleted my old KiK, Snapchat and gmail accounts
- I have had great sex with my wife
- any ED disappeared within a few days
- I feel closer to God and feel a greater sense of His presence in my life
- I am starting to spend more time in the real world (I have avoided replacement activities like online games and music forums)
- I am sleeping more peacefully.

So it's not all bad. I still have a long way to go (years and years to go) but I have made progress from day one.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
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Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #35 on: June 30, 2017, 09:05:49 AM »
Day 23

I am full of guilt and remorse today for what I've done in my past. I can't believe that I got myself in such a mess. I can't believe that I allowed myself to fall so far. I just feel awful about what I've done, the hurt I've caused, the risks I've taken, all for my own selfish ends. I wish I could experience forgiveness but these waves of regret and fear keep coming in every so often.

Ugh. It's horrible. I guess it's no less than I deserve, though.

I had similar phase as well during the last reboot. Maybe it is also good for us to realize the damage that porn or chat rooms are causing. Dont  get discouraged, it is a good sign that you are on the right road. Recognize it and move on. Live one day at a time.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #36 on: June 30, 2017, 09:22:55 AM »
Sorry, that was a bit of an emotional outburst. I might list some positives instead as actually I'm on day 23 and that's no bad thing:

- I have gone 23 days without: using chat rooms, PMO, MO, sexting
- I have deleted my old KiK, Snapchat and gmail accounts
- I have had great sex with my wife
- any ED disappeared within a few days
- I feel closer to God and feel a greater sense of His presence in my life
- I am starting to spend more time in the real world (I have avoided replacement activities like online games and music forums)
- I am sleeping more peacefully.

So it's not all bad. I still have a long way to go (years and years to go) but I have made progress from day one.

Good that you came up with this positiv list :)
You are indeed doing great, but it is really good that you have written about your emotions, thats also part of you and they are there to be accepted, recognized and dealt with. Anyways, I am really glad to read your positiv experiences, keep your focus on them!!!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #37 on: June 30, 2017, 10:04:14 AM »
Thank you :) I guess it's inevitable that I'm going to be recovering from the damage caused for some time. But I guess I can see recovery if I look back day on day.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #38 on: July 01, 2017, 08:18:10 AM »
Day 24

Still feeling up and down emotionally but am talking to my wife lots and trying to stay positive. We're heading to a barbecue later which will be nice.

All I can do is submit myself to God and say that he is bigger than this addiction and bigger than the hurt it's caused.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #39 on: July 02, 2017, 08:31:48 AM »
hey PE30,
emotional instability I think is one of the most typical withdrawal symptoms.
Sometimes its good just to ignore them, but not always.
I guess they can be also an indicator what we need or where exactly we feel the emptiness in our life.

Its cool that you share that with your wife. I think also letting yourself being slightly more vulnerable with your partner will make your relationship even better.
Hope you enjoyed barbecue, and keep your focus on whatever good/positiv happens around you and on God.




PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #40 on: July 02, 2017, 10:49:30 AM »
Yes I agree. It's been way to use chat rooms as a means of getting away from reality or providing a temporary kick when things are difficult, but it's not good!

Anyway it's day 25. Church was good this morning and I've got quite a few jobs done on the house this afternoon. I have slight dread about the working week ahead but I'm sure it won't be too bad.

I'm just trying to be thankful for each new day and not take anything for granted.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #41 on: July 03, 2017, 03:16:52 AM »
Day 26

Woke up at about 5 this morning with this overwhelming sense of peace. I wonder how long that'll last! Anyway I'm getting on towards halfway to my initial target of 60 days. Here's the plan:

Days 26-39: I'm covering for a colleague at work (as well as doing my own work) so I'll be really busy. No time for sitting around feeling tempted.
Days 40-46: should be fairly normal.
Days 47-49: I'm home alone. I'm going to need a good containment plan, a heck of a lot of prayer and battle through them
Days 50-53: I'm away from my family still, but I'll be staying with a friend (as we're having a load of work done on the house). So it shouldn't be too bad. I'll have a lot on in the evenings, just need to relax myself before bed without the usual stimuli.
Days 54-60: on holiday with my family! If I've made it to day 54, I should be fine :)

Anyway, one day at a time.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #42 on: July 03, 2017, 11:02:23 AM »
oh wow, that looks really good planned...
I have no idea what I will do next week....haha ;D
I guess with family you have to plan more carefully your time

So, days 47-49 home alone, looks chellenging, but we will go through it ;)
otherwise looks very good,
Stay on the right mood and enjoy the good that day brings.

blessings!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #43 on: July 04, 2017, 02:59:21 AM »
Yeah, it's more for my benefit! I know that I want to get to 60 days, and I know that this seems a long way away at the moment. But if I break it down into segments it'll be okay. If I can get through July, the last week of the 60 days will be fine :)

Anyway it's day 27 today. Not feeling too bad this morning. Let's hope I keep it up.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #44 on: July 05, 2017, 04:56:51 AM »
Day 28

I'm feeling pretty okay today. Had a really productive night last night - we're having a belated Canada Day celebration as a friend of ours is Canadian, and so I made tortiƩre and Timbits (or at least an approximation!)

I think that the only way to fight this is through positivity and doing good.

I'm not sure if there are any other Christians who read my posts but I found this article really helpful:

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/our-odyssey-against-sexual-temptation

We can't beat this through willpower alone. There has to be a better option. We have to seek the option that is better than porn, or chatrooms, or whatever.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #45 on: July 05, 2017, 11:47:27 AM »
We can't beat this through willpower alone. There has to be a better option. We have to seek the option that is better than porn, or chatrooms, or whatever.

Exactly, there should not be one-to-one fight against PMO. It is important to see it in all its complexity.
On the other hand though sometimes it is about willpower, so we don t need to switch it off ;)

I am happy for you man, keep the right attitude, do good, and I am sure you will break it through!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #46 on: July 06, 2017, 04:50:20 AM »
Yeah, sometimes I do just need to make the right choice. For instance - and I know this sounds awful but I'm being honest - I was tempted to go look up the Instagram of a woman who I'm helping at the moment as she's quite attractive. But I stopped myself as I felt like it was being voyeuristic and creepy. I need to call these behaviours for what they are and be ruthless with myself. And then find a good opposite!

Anyway it's day 29. Getting there one day at a time!
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aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #47 on: July 06, 2017, 08:05:11 AM »
My husband used to do the same thing. He would use facebook a lot and look at friends of ours. One thing that helped him put things in perspective was realizing that these are people. He thought about how he would feel if another man had those thoughts about me. He also would think about how they would respond if they knew what he was thinking. For him he would say as a Christ follower we need to keep our minds clean enough that we can be transparent with no shame. If carrying those thoughts creates shame then they aren't the right thoughts. I know that perspective was helpful for him as he would have had shame if those women ever knew what he was thinking. Not sure if it is for you or not but just thought I would share just in case. Good luck!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #48 on: July 06, 2017, 10:45:49 AM »
Yes exactly... there are all kinds of reasons that it's wrong. It's that weird disconnect that a SA/PA has between what they *know* is wrong and what they choose to do. I think that objectification of any kind is something I should be nipping in the bud each and every time. I don't feel too bad with myself about a fleeting thought but I cannot afford complacency.





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Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #49 on: July 06, 2017, 12:12:37 PM »
Yeah, sometimes I do just need to make the right choice. For instance - and I know this sounds awful but I'm being honest - I was tempted to go look up the Instagram of a woman who I'm helping at the moment as she's quite attractive. But I stopped myself as I felt like it was being voyeuristic and creepy. I need to call these behaviours for what they are and be ruthless with myself. And then find a good opposite!

Absolutely, here its important to  be honest with yourself, what and why am I doing this. I think its great that you were so awake to realize it and eventually avoid.