Author Topic: Back on the wagon  (Read 10309 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #125 on: August 23, 2017, 02:42:41 PM »
Keep at it and remember what you are working for. Remind yourself of the goals you are wanting to achieve. Don't just "not look at porn", go fill that void with life, joy, integrity, wholeness. Go live! Keep up the great progress.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #126 on: August 24, 2017, 09:15:58 AM »
Day 78

Today has been a much, much better day. Went out for lunch with my wife and kids and just had this big rush of love for them, for their cheeky grins and affection.

The words of this old hymn just came into my head. Thought I'd share them:

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me"
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

v82

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #127 on: August 24, 2017, 09:28:21 AM »
Have just read through your journal.
Well done on the 78 days!
The bigger temptation for me is/has been the chat rooms. I have found that to be much more challenging to leave than the porn.

Self –compassion is something I should probably read more into (thank you for mentioning this). I have always been the type of person that is harshest to themselves.

Keep going with your battle.



PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #128 on: August 26, 2017, 03:06:44 AM »
Day 80!

The past week has been really tough to be honest. I have got to the point where I've got to the opening page of my usual chat room and then thought "no... What are you doing? Don't do this". And then closed the browser and done something else. Looking back, there must be something there that's stopping me from falling... It's like, previously I'd never have been able to resist at the last minute, but somehow I was able to.

I think the main thing I keep thinking about is the cost. You know, I could go and get off on a chat room but at what cost? I'm a 38 year old man who needs to exercise self control for the sake of himself and all those round him.

So yeah. Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. This week would have been the week I slipped, but I stayed firm.

Aim: keep internet use to a minimum this weekend; spend time with my family; be fully present; enjoy life as it was intended to be enjoyed.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #129 on: August 27, 2017, 06:11:58 AM »
Ugh :( :(

I can't believe I fell. Once last night and once this morning. I'm so disappointed with myself. I didn't watch porn but I did fantasise and MO.

I'm so sorry everyone... I know that a lot of you have been putting a lot of encouragement my way and I feel like I've let you down as well as myself. I just want to be free of this addiction.

But at the same time, I'm refusing to give in. Relapses have lasted months in the past; this one is going to be a blip. 120 days takes me to Christmas Day. Let's do this.

Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

toph

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #130 on: August 27, 2017, 06:37:10 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear that man. I just caved in 2 days ago as well.

Let's keep on fighting, forgetting about this momentary pleasure and going for being real and honest.

Christmas it is!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #131 on: August 27, 2017, 07:05:48 AM »
I just want to bounce back from this blip as quickly as possible... I'm so annoyed with myself right now
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
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PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #132 on: August 27, 2017, 08:55:10 AM »
Had an hour or so of praying, weeping and so on. I'm trying to think of the positives:

1. Previous relapses have lasted weeks and even months. I'm heading this off after less than 24 hours
2. I managed 80 days clean. That's no mean feat
3. All the techniques I've learned to deal with this addiction are still valid. I can still use this site, I can still beat this a day at a time... I can talk on here and I can talk to my wife and my friends
4. I'm a recovering addict, not a finished article. I'll get there. I'll beat this.
5. God is with me. I've not run away from my sin but I have confessed it and asked for forgiveness.
6. I'm still the same kind, compassionate, decent guy I was. I need to claim those things and believe them about myself.
7. I'm always learning, looking at how I went wrong. This time of reflection is so important.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

v82

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #133 on: August 27, 2017, 04:24:15 PM »
Don’t be too harsh on yourself but do try to think about what caused the relapse. It’s great you are determined not to binge on this relapse. Keep fighting!



PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #134 on: August 28, 2017, 09:23:47 AM »
I've been tracing it back and I think it went something like this:

- I've been experiencing quite a low mood of late, just generally feeling down about life ... Lots of things have been difficult and I'm hampered from doing loads of the things I like by my broken wrist.
- on Tuesday I worked from home and I didn't adequately prepare mentally for what is usually a tricky time
- I ended up on some online sites that had a clean chat function... I shouldn't have convinced myself that clear chatting would be fine, because I soon wanted more
- and then on Saturday night I was feeling unwell after bed so I ended up going downstairs, and then got suckered into my old chat site.

Nevertheless, I am choosing to walk away. I'm thinking of it as a bit like launching a space rocket. At the moment, the gravitational pull towards relapse is strong. But it won't always feel like this. I just need to:

- put day after day between my relapse and the present
- commit each day afresh to God
- commit each moment of temptation to him and trust for a way out
- be present and thankful for the multitude of blessings I have
- always remember that the high of relapse is not worth the resulting low.

Christmas is day 120! This is day 1.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #135 on: August 28, 2017, 01:23:23 PM »
I could be way off base here so if I am you can completely disregard me but I have noticed a cycle from a lot of the men here.

They get down a bit (could be a flatline so keep that in mind as that is part of the reboot process sometimes). They find themselves on the computer and feeling tempted. A lot of men say being board is a big trigger. I really think boredom is a symptom of something bigger. I am someone who is right on the edge of an introvert and extrovert. So I can completely understand being at home alone and wanting to connect with someone. something I have been working on within myself is why am I feeling lonely/board? I am learning to be comfortable with just myself. Learning how to stay on task and get my work done without distractions. I have found that even this site can be a distraction for me. When you add in a porn addiction/chat room addiction, well it just makes everything even harder and more difficult. When you feel tempted start really peeling back the layers and ask yourself
What am I feeling? What is the root of the trigger? Can I receive support or is there something else I can do to satisfy this need?
For myself, I have found when I am lonely the root is that I don't really like myself and I get uncomfortable spending time with just me. I am insecure and scared and I need others to validate me. So I am working on learning to be ok with who I am, learning to love myself, and be ok on my own.

If you need support because the temptation is really strong, reach out! Message your wife and tell her what you are going through. If you just need a conversation with someone, reach out to someone who can support you and wants to see you succeed. Get accountability partners who you can shoot a text to and they can take a moment and help you recenter yourself and remind you of what you are working towards.

I think you have made great progress, but there is still along way to go. You can do this but not without the necessary steps of discovering and pouring into your root causes of why you were seeking this in the first place. The only way to come to true healing is to build good moral character within yourself. Learn who you are and who you want to be. To focus and slowly become that person. It takes dedication, determination, trust, humility, vulnerability, integrity, love, honour, consistency,  patience, kindness, dependability, flexibility, creativity, strength, compassion, and so much more. You can do this!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #136 on: September 20, 2017, 04:29:33 AM »
Hi all

I took a bit of a break from here, partly because after my relapse I didn't really feel like I had properly got back on my feet. I stumbled around again for a week or so but then I got back on the wagon (as per the journal title!) and I have been clean for a couple of weeks since. This is day 15.

I'm trying to look to the future - it was necessary to examine myself for a period of a few months but I need to now focus on making my future better. Although I am a bit gutted that my counter is on such a low number, I have to look at the positives: a three month clean streak and a quick recovery following a relapse. I read that it's important to do things I'm good at in order to help my own mental health, so I'm cooking lots, organising walks for friends, and so on.

Also my plaster cast is off now, so that's good!

Sorry for the absence - hope you are all well.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #137 on: September 22, 2017, 10:02:10 AM »
So, this is day 17. It's been a good week. I don't think this is the only way to fix an addiction but I'm trying to fill my life with positive things. I've been doing a lot of painting in the house, to try to get it looking good after years of having had small children... it's starting to look good. I'm also looking to organise a fundraising week for our local foodbank.

I feel like I've imprisoned myself with negative thoughts about the things I've done in the past. I can't change the past but I can change the future. One day at a time. Christmas will be over 90 days! If I can get to Christmas porn and chat room free, that'll be an 80 day streak followed by a 90 day streak. I can definitely do this :)
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #138 on: September 22, 2017, 10:20:37 AM »
Sounds like you are in a great headspace! Keep up the positivity! Great job!

Andy9120

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #139 on: September 23, 2017, 11:55:45 AM »
I have read this whole journal and it has helped me.  I am at the very start of my reboot.  My story is very similar to yours.

This is my day one.  The first of many.  I agree with the other posters the positivity on here is amazing.

Thank you for sharing your story it has really helped me.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #140 on: September 25, 2017, 03:41:21 AM »
Day 20. Just a thought: having received some counselling in the past and having received some CBT in the past, I'm thinking that the way to battle this addiction is to look both to the past and to the future. The past might tell me why I'm messed up, but it's not going to help me define my future. Coping strategies might help but they won't root out the things that have led me to where I am today. I need both!

So to give you an example: my wife now attends a weekly group on a Monday night. To get through the inevitable temptation of being alone in the house, I have to (a) recognise that I'm weak and (b) come up with a plan. Tonight, the plan is to do some more decorating! And to pray beforehand.

I'm not going to post on here every day - I felt like my daily blog was making me too introspective. But I'll keep posting a couple of times a week.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

Andy9120

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #141 on: September 26, 2017, 01:17:29 AM »
So much of what you have written so honestly is true of my story too. I am inspired by your story and faith.

I too struggle with the boredom when my wife is late back from work for example. But I am going into over drive trying to fill my time with stuff! The house has never been so clean!

Keep up the good work mate !