Author Topic: OMMS Journal (Obstacles Make Me Stronger)  (Read 394 times)

OMMS

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OMMS Journal (Obstacles Make Me Stronger)
« on: September 23, 2017, 03:49:33 PM »
Hey all, I have been a long time NoFap / reboot-nation lurker for some time and I finally decided to join and keep a journal of my journey.

I am 38 years old and have been addicted to porn since I was around 18 years old. I never considered it a problem until around the last year which was complete hell for me. A series of 'out of my control' life events transpired back to back that left me spinning. I also had a new responsibilities at work which stressed me out to the point I was completely burned out.

I have always been someone who has been pretty ambitious and driven and to lose sight of those things made me feel like I lost myself. It was during this time I realized I increased my PMO ritual to combat the stress & anxiety. I freaked out when I realized I was developing ED from porn. I talked to my doctor about it and I was very fortunate to have one who understood the impact an addiction like this has. After seeing a psychiatrists and a slew of councillors I finally found an addiction specialist that just 'gets it'. She knew about the NoFap movement and has been very helpful in the process.

It's been one hell of a ride but I have not watched porn or masturbated for 74 days. I have had real life sexual encounters on day 34 and day 68 which resulted in orgasm. Not sure if that hindered my progress (Afterwards I felt overwhelmed by the sensation). I have heard of the chaser effect but I am not sure if I experienced that or not.

An overview of my experiences so far:
  • [Week 1 - 2] Cravings, moodiness, breaking out into tears at random
  • [Week 3] Out of my mind anxiety, I have had an off and on struggle with anxiety for as long as I can remember but nothing like this. My heart goes out to anyone who has had similar experiences.
  • [Week 4-6] After I orgasmed with my girl. I noticed a low level depression that just hung around for most of the time. I also got these wild hits of intense 'psychological pain?' I have no idea how to describe it but they come on randomly and it's the worst feeling of dread ever. They dissipate eventually but its like alarm bells going off in my mind.
  • [Week 7-9] I don't remember much from here just random hits of mild depression. My mind isn't directly telling me to fap but it's almost as if it's trying to trick me back to my old habits.
  • [Week 9-Now] I feel exhaustion for most of the day and morning depression is the WORST!
It's not all bad stuff though just a few days ago I started to laugh (It's been awhile) and it left me feeling great. I also seem to be able to communicate with people without any underlining fear or anxiety. and I had a fear of driving which now no longer bothers me. OH! and by the 4th week I gained back the ability to have erections again!! Well it's an on and off affair but definite improvements!

This whole process has taught me many things about myself, I realized I have no patience at all. If anything this impatience is making recovery harder. It's like I want to race to the finish line, and if I reach a certain day or achievement then I will be 'cured'. The hard reality I learned is this isn't a linear journey, and I think not knowing when I will feel 'myself' again was driving me crazy and fuelling depressing feelings. Being comfortable with uncertainly is something I really have to make peace with.  The idea 'no one knows' when I will recover drove me into a total panic attack/depression today. I caught my mind saying 'When will this end', 'Why me?', 'I can't do this' but I snapped out of with one of my favourite montra's: OOMS -'Obstacles make me stronger' This is truly a test of inner strength, patience, persistence and diligence.

Much more to say but this is turning into a huge TLDR. It did feel good to write this out. I'll continue more in later journal posts.

« Last Edit: September 23, 2017, 06:25:32 PM by OMMS »