Hello everyone,
It?s been a long time I have wanted to share my story so far but I keep discovering new things about sexuality and porn related dysfunctions so I have put it off until now.
I?ve got so many things to say that it?s difficult to write everything in an orderly way.
Let?s start from the good news though! I can say my story is a pretty successful one, at least until now and taking into account the point I had reached a few years ago.
It?s been now three years since I stopped watching porn and two years and a half since I started to work in a more positive way on my approach to sexuality and on developing it.
I was definitely one of the worst cases of PIED and when I was reading daily the stories of other guys like me (about two years ago) I had found very few with a background of erectile dysfunction like mine. Some were even worse but a small minority indeed.
So just that you know in advance I can now happily have sex with my girlfriend in any position and if we both want we have sex for one or two hours. If I go back a few years and someone had told me that I could stay inside a girl for one hour or more (hard all the time!) and that I could control my ejaculation and especially enjoy every second I wouldn?t have believed.
Up until two years ago (I?m in my thirties) all my sexual experience had been a total disaster. Every time I was with a girl everything was fine until the point we ended up in bed. At that point it became hell because the truth is that I was so screwed up with porn that I didn?t really feel any sexual attraction to a real body, independently from how sexy it was.
Before reading on Youbrainonporn about PIED and all the rest I couldn?t really understand. Then a new world opened?
I?ll try to make it brief just to give you an idea. Since when I was a little kid I was always attracted by sex and sexuality but usually in a more kinky way.
I mean I was enjoying tying up the dolls of my girl friends?
Growing up I started in a ?normal? way: first kisses etc but when it came to more sexual stuff I was much less interested. I don?t know how to explain but when my friends talked about how nice it was to touch tits etc I couldn?t really understand. When I was 17 or so and I touched a bum or a pair of boobs I didn?t really feel any sexual spark that drove me to wanting more.
At times I might have been a bit scared but other times I had the impression that something was not connected from mind to body.
I guess that with my constant kinky fantasies I had already started to ?hijack? a little bit my system of arousal.
When I was about 19 I had my first contact with internet porn and from then on everything became worse. I couldn?t believe that I could find (free!) all the images, and later videos, that I had always dreamed about. All the kinky and crazy stuff my brain wanted was there on my PC screen and I could have it all the time without any difficulty. I?m sure many of you know the feeling?
While watching porn on internet never had an impact on the sports I played, on my social life (except sex of course!) and the rest, I really became obsessed with it.
I was watching porn a lot and I was jerking off 2, 3 or more times a day. Every day.
For all my twenties I kept doing that, increasing the level of craziness of the videos I watched and binging more and more time. Obviously my sex experiences became more and more horrible and I came to avoid sex like plague. I made so many excuses not to have sex that I cannot even remember.
I managed to lose my virginity at 21 but it was horrible and I had to think about the videos I watched to get hard.
I didn?t really care about having sex with girls. I loved internet porn.
I wanted to have (and I had) many friends and I wanted to flirt, to dance, to kiss, to hug girls but no sex. Sex was great already with my pc.
But what happens when you kiss, hug, flirt with a girl and then you refuse to have sex? Well, I guess you already know the answer. She?s going to hate you and make you miserable like you made her. So my life was always a hell because of this.
I never understood what was the problem. Why were other guys talking about how horny they were with girls and I didn?t feel any sexual thing for them? Was I born ?faulty??
I knew it wasn?t just anxiety because some girls had been super understanding and telling me they loved me and that it didn?t matter and we could try another time. But I didn?t want to try another time, I just wanted to have a girlfriend to go to dinner with and then have sex with my computer. This is what I really wanted to tell them?
Same story all the time and whenever I met a new girl I knew how it would end after all.
This went on and on and on and I thought about suicide too since I couldn?t see the point of living like that.
In my early thirties too and I started to think I would never be fine and that I would spend the rest of my days in loneliness and doom.
After one last ?failure? I promised to myself though that I would have done everything to end that shit. No more ruining my life and the life of the girls that crossed my path.
I had always prided myself on being an achiever but I realized I had ignored a huge problem I had and that was going to stop.
First thing I did was stopping to watch porn. This was even before finding Yourbrainonporn. One day I realized that I couldn?t even get hard anymore thinking about some sexy girl I knew. I couldn?t anymore (in the past I could if I added some more kinky fantasy to the scene). Now I needed porn videos. I had also noticed a changing pattern in my jerking off movements: tighter grip, faster strokes. I noticed that I was becoming a little bit impotent even with fantasies and porn.
So reflecting on that I decided that porn was at least part of the problem. One day three years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped watching porn. I haven't watched any porn movie ever since. I do have a decent control on myself I have to say.
I went again to a urologist (I had already gone years before) and explained him that I couldn?t have sex with women. He told me I was physically fine. He asked me if I could get hard with porn (I said yes) so he told me it was all in my head. He gave me a Viagra prescription (that was what I really wanted from him) and I remember he shook my hand and told me ?Good luck?. His face meant that I was fucked?
So, armed with my viagra I decided to go to get a sex massage. It was also a disaster. I mean, the girl was super nice and good too etc but I couldn?t get hard with all the understanding in the world. I managed to get a little hard only thinking about my favorite gang bangs but was horrible.
I tried many times and the results were always the same.
In the meantime I bought as many books about sexual dysfunctions as possible. The majority of them written by urologists who dismissed young ED as just a psychological problem.
I knew inside of me that that was not the case. I loved being with women and I was at ease with them (outside of the bed). I also knew that wasn?t performance anxiety, or at least not only that. Of course you get performance anxiety if all your experiences are bad!
I had the feeling that something was broken inside me, just I couldn?t figure out what.
So months passed and I kept avoiding porn. I kept trying to have experiences with girls but it didn?t worked. I tried to have sex massages but it didn?t worked. I tried to go with prostitutes but it didn?t work (one laughed at me).
To be honest I started to notice a minimum improvement but it was far from being something ?normal?.
So in my own way I was already rebooting and trying to rewire my brain without knowing anything about PIED.
Then one day I was desperate and googled something like ?cannot have erections? or ?young erectile disfunction?, I don?t remember. I found a bodybuilding forum where a guy in his twenties was as desperate as me, asking for help. Another user replied that it could be something related to porn abuse and suggested looking Yourbrainonporn website. I couldn?t believe my eyes, I might be right in my avoiding porn? After all maybe if you used porn all the time you weren?t a stud.
So I clicked on the link and it was like being struck by a lightning! I had found the answer! Obviously I was not 100% sure but it really made sense. The books written by urologists about ED didn?t make sense to me (at least not in my case) but this made sense: you watch lots of porn and you screw up your arousal system.
I started to read and read and read. Every day I dedicated two or three hours to looking for the worst cases of PIED. I knew I wouldn?t be the ?90 days and I?m fine? case. I found some stories as bad (or even worse) as mine.
These are some (obviously they are older because I was reading a lot a couple of years ago):
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/healed.45222/
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-27-severe-ed-cured-after-2-year-flatline-never-give!!
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/near-worst-case-pied-cured-its-possible-everyone!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/3fjqy5/2_years_progress_nofap_works/
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-37-ed-all-my-adult-life-i-am-cured-and-sex-amazing
http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-26-reboot-took-3-years-no-more-ed-anxiety-sweating-or-panicking
There were others but links are not active anymore.
And of course the great videos from Gabe Deem.
Reading the stories of these guys really made me wanting to live again.
The first time I read all the information on Yourbrainonporn from Gary Wilson I started to laugh. I was alone in front of my pc and couldn?t stop laughing. It was like a rock lifted from my chest.
The more I read stories of other people as screwed up as I was the more I was laughing with a sense of relief.
So, I knew that the rebooting I had started was the good way. I had to rewire though. Honestly I wanted to rewire as soon as possible and this is where my story is a bit particular.
I kept reading many books about sex as possible and one was written by a former surrogate partner so I learned the existence of this profession. Long story short I started to work with a centre where they provide this kind of therapy and I had some sessions. I have to say that this is not for everyone since some people may just not have the money (it?s obviously expensive) or might not want to choose this way. I had the money (luckily for me) and it sounded good. A professional helping you with your sexual disfunction/s.
I have to say that you also have to be lucky to find the person that understand your problem and has knowledge of that and that is willing to even learn something new they might not know everything about.
I was lucky since I found someone very open in this sense, with knowledge of my issue, and also open to expand her knowledge. And sexy too.
I enjoyed all the sessions I had but talking just from a financial point of view the sessions could have been less. The important thing is that your body needs some time to start working again and if you?re in a bad flatline at times is just better to wait.
This experience, that I repeat might not be for everyone but can also be a great help if you can and want afford it, also opened my mind about sexuality. I learned that there are things like learning more about how human bodies work in sexuality and that sex like anything else in life is learned and can always be refined and improved. Like swimming or anything.
My thirst for knowledge pushed me to learn more about sex. I started to buy and read more and more books about sex, sexuality, techniques, tantra, psychology in sex etc.
At the end of the post there is a list of books I?ve read and that in different ways were all useful.
It took overall a long time of rewiring to women to undo what I had ?done? in many years of watching porn. Now It has been three years since I quit porn and I have a girlfriend and we?re happy with a very good sex life.
Here are some more things regarding my rebooting process:
When I had stopped porn (before finding YBOP) I had just stopped watching hardcore videos but not masturbation. Since when I found YBOP I immediately stopped also masturbation since I wanted to have an hardcore rebooting process in the hope of speeding up things.
At the end, after reading more and more stories on forums I decided to go even more hardcore and to try to really ?shock? my brain. I decided to stop using Facebook and any online material with images of sexy women. Not just that. I decided to even stop looking at adverts with sexual stuff (everywhere?) and also stopped watching TV and movies. Last (crazy to think about it now!) I stopped feeding my brain any sort of pleasure (no music and no books).
Why I did that?? Because I was desperate and I thought that in my cases some months of ?extreme measures? could be beneficial, and even if they were now I wouldn?t lose anything.
I decided that the only pleasure I would give my brain would be from touching or looking at women in flesh and blood. So whenever I had the opportunity I looked at women as if I had ?normal sexual impulses?. Before I didn?t feel any sexual feeling for women? Sure, I could tell if I liked some girl or if she was objectively attractive but my ?animal instinct? was disconnected.
I got this idea from another guy on Your Brain Rebalanced. He said that even if he was badly flatlining he looked at women as if he was sexually interested and that at some point he started to feel more sexual.
So after a couple of months of looking at women, one day I felt something alive in me (and in my pants). In that moment I understood that I might not be a completely hopeless case and that I might recover in the end.
Really, the extreme reboot that I did for about 5 months can seem crazy now when I look back but I think it might have had a part in making the process a little bit more rapid.
2) Masturbation:
At the beginning of my reboot (after I found YBOP) I stopped completely masturbation for about 6 months. During this period not only I didn?t masturbate but I almost avoided completely to touch my cock except for peeing.
This was the hardcore reboot period and most of that time I spent it in total flatline.
After this period I started again masturbation gradually. Now, I know this topic can be controversial but I think like everything else in life there are point in favor and against of it.
I started masturbating again to check if I could give me a hard on just with a slow movement of my hand like suggested on YBOP and I can say at the beginning it was impossible.
After some time (some weeks) I managed not to think about any porn scene or anything and give me a hard on just with a slow movement. I was very happy of this at the time.
Later on, after reading and studying books about Karezza sex, Tantric sex, Taoist sex etc, I understood that masturbation (or better, self pleasuring) can have an important role in learning about how to control one?s ejaculation and to learn better about our one?s body. Without self pleasuring I wouldn?t have progressed in my learning of sexuality.
The point against it is that people who have made of porn and masturbation a reason of life can very easily slip again into addiction. So if one?s want to go this path should be very carful of what they do and especially why they do it.
One thing is deciding to self pleasure with lube and slow touch for half an hour to learn more about arousal and ejaculation control (without thinking any sexual stuff or at least hardcore stuff) and another thing is spending half an hour masturbating with hard and fast strokes and thinking about ganbangs or other hardcore stuff.
In my opinion this from outside could seem similar but for one?s brain is very very different.
In the first case you?re training your body to enjoy a soft, slow and light touch and relearning to get arouse just by the feeling of a hand without having to go back to porn memories. This is not edging independently from the length of time
In the second case you?re going back to what screwed your brain up since your mind focuses on hardcore scenes or porn you watched in the past and your hand is providing your cock with an unnatural touch that makes it desensitized.
I hope I managed to explain my ideas about this.
3) Flatline:
I had a bad flatline since when I started my reboot and for about 5 or 6 months.
My cock was dead. I was not aroused by the sight of women and I didn?t even feel like watching porn or anything. I just felt asexual.
If I had been one of the first guys to experience this I might have freaked out badly and gone back to porn, but reading many stories of bad flatlines for longer times I gained strength and hope in the process and gradually I was able to become aroused with women and also with my hand without sexual thoughts (just touch).
It?s scary though, as anyone who has experienced it can say.
4) Ejaculation:
Before my reboot I had bad delayed ejaculation with any woman I had been with. I couldn?t really ejaculate (even the few times I managed to have a hard on) without thinking about hardcore porn.
I went hardcore during my reboot so without masturbation there was also no ejaculation. Well, in fact after some months of no masturbation/ejaculation I had one wet dream which was something that hadn?t happened to me since I was 12 probably. That was a good sensation and probably one sign I was starting to reconnect with my body.
After my reboot, even when I started to self pleasure I was always careful not to ejaculate often alone.
Even now, when I have sex with my girlfriend many times we end without me ejaculating.
This I learned from the books about Tantric and Taoist sex. Basically long long time ago in the East they had understood that too much ejaculation could not be good so they practiced lots of sex but without ejaculation. It would be too long to write about this here but there are so many books and references about this if you?re interested.
I do believe however that ejaculation can be good at times during the rebooting process especially during a long flatline. In my case it helped to end the flatline.
5) Porn. I?ve never watched porn again in the past three years. I even stopped to watch it before finding YBOP because I had noticed less arousal even with porn and something inside me told me there was something wrong with that.
Not watching porn was easy at the beginning, especially because I was so pissed at myself for having screwed me so badly with that and for so many years.
Now it?s a bit different. Probably it?s because now I work well (I?m still improving though) sexually and I feel confident. Many times I feel the urge to watch my favorite porn scenes that are still vivid (less) in my mind.
I tell myself that doing so it would be a ruin so I?ve always managed to fight it. I hope I?ll keep on this road.
I guess that like people who have been badly addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling you never recover from the urge to binge in your addiction. You can just keep on fighting it and think that indulging in it would make your life worse.
It?s been a long time I have wanted to share my story so far but I keep discovering new things about sexuality and porn related dysfunctions so I have put it off until now.
I?ve got so many things to say that it?s difficult to write everything in an orderly way.
Let?s start from the good news though! I can say my story is a pretty successful one, at least until now and taking into account the point I had reached a few years ago.
It?s been now three years since I stopped watching porn and two years and a half since I started to work in a more positive way on my approach to sexuality and on developing it.
I was definitely one of the worst cases of PIED and when I was reading daily the stories of other guys like me (about two years ago) I had found very few with a background of erectile dysfunction like mine. Some were even worse but a small minority indeed.
So just that you know in advance I can now happily have sex with my girlfriend in any position and if we both want we have sex for one or two hours. If I go back a few years and someone had told me that I could stay inside a girl for one hour or more (hard all the time!) and that I could control my ejaculation and especially enjoy every second I wouldn?t have believed.
Up until two years ago (I?m in my thirties) all my sexual experience had been a total disaster. Every time I was with a girl everything was fine until the point we ended up in bed. At that point it became hell because the truth is that I was so screwed up with porn that I didn?t really feel any sexual attraction to a real body, independently from how sexy it was.
Before reading on Youbrainonporn about PIED and all the rest I couldn?t really understand. Then a new world opened?
I?ll try to make it brief just to give you an idea. Since when I was a little kid I was always attracted by sex and sexuality but usually in a more kinky way.
I mean I was enjoying tying up the dolls of my girl friends?
Growing up I started in a ?normal? way: first kisses etc but when it came to more sexual stuff I was much less interested. I don?t know how to explain but when my friends talked about how nice it was to touch tits etc I couldn?t really understand. When I was 17 or so and I touched a bum or a pair of boobs I didn?t really feel any sexual spark that drove me to wanting more.
At times I might have been a bit scared but other times I had the impression that something was not connected from mind to body.
I guess that with my constant kinky fantasies I had already started to ?hijack? a little bit my system of arousal.
When I was about 19 I had my first contact with internet porn and from then on everything became worse. I couldn?t believe that I could find (free!) all the images, and later videos, that I had always dreamed about. All the kinky and crazy stuff my brain wanted was there on my PC screen and I could have it all the time without any difficulty. I?m sure many of you know the feeling?
While watching porn on internet never had an impact on the sports I played, on my social life (except sex of course!) and the rest, I really became obsessed with it.
I was watching porn a lot and I was jerking off 2, 3 or more times a day. Every day.
For all my twenties I kept doing that, increasing the level of craziness of the videos I watched and binging more and more time. Obviously my sex experiences became more and more horrible and I came to avoid sex like plague. I made so many excuses not to have sex that I cannot even remember.
I managed to lose my virginity at 21 but it was horrible and I had to think about the videos I watched to get hard.
I didn?t really care about having sex with girls. I loved internet porn.
I wanted to have (and I had) many friends and I wanted to flirt, to dance, to kiss, to hug girls but no sex. Sex was great already with my pc.
But what happens when you kiss, hug, flirt with a girl and then you refuse to have sex? Well, I guess you already know the answer. She?s going to hate you and make you miserable like you made her. So my life was always a hell because of this.
I never understood what was the problem. Why were other guys talking about how horny they were with girls and I didn?t feel any sexual thing for them? Was I born ?faulty??
I knew it wasn?t just anxiety because some girls had been super understanding and telling me they loved me and that it didn?t matter and we could try another time. But I didn?t want to try another time, I just wanted to have a girlfriend to go to dinner with and then have sex with my computer. This is what I really wanted to tell them?
Same story all the time and whenever I met a new girl I knew how it would end after all.
This went on and on and on and I thought about suicide too since I couldn?t see the point of living like that.
In my early thirties too and I started to think I would never be fine and that I would spend the rest of my days in loneliness and doom.
After one last ?failure? I promised to myself though that I would have done everything to end that shit. No more ruining my life and the life of the girls that crossed my path.
I had always prided myself on being an achiever but I realized I had ignored a huge problem I had and that was going to stop.
First thing I did was stopping to watch porn. This was even before finding Yourbrainonporn. One day I realized that I couldn?t even get hard anymore thinking about some sexy girl I knew. I couldn?t anymore (in the past I could if I added some more kinky fantasy to the scene). Now I needed porn videos. I had also noticed a changing pattern in my jerking off movements: tighter grip, faster strokes. I noticed that I was becoming a little bit impotent even with fantasies and porn.
So reflecting on that I decided that porn was at least part of the problem. One day three years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped watching porn. I haven't watched any porn movie ever since. I do have a decent control on myself I have to say.
I went again to a urologist (I had already gone years before) and explained him that I couldn?t have sex with women. He told me I was physically fine. He asked me if I could get hard with porn (I said yes) so he told me it was all in my head. He gave me a Viagra prescription (that was what I really wanted from him) and I remember he shook my hand and told me ?Good luck?. His face meant that I was fucked?
So, armed with my viagra I decided to go to get a sex massage. It was also a disaster. I mean, the girl was super nice and good too etc but I couldn?t get hard with all the understanding in the world. I managed to get a little hard only thinking about my favorite gang bangs but was horrible.
I tried many times and the results were always the same.
In the meantime I bought as many books about sexual dysfunctions as possible. The majority of them written by urologists who dismissed young ED as just a psychological problem.
I knew inside of me that that was not the case. I loved being with women and I was at ease with them (outside of the bed). I also knew that wasn?t performance anxiety, or at least not only that. Of course you get performance anxiety if all your experiences are bad!
I had the feeling that something was broken inside me, just I couldn?t figure out what.
So months passed and I kept avoiding porn. I kept trying to have experiences with girls but it didn?t worked. I tried to have sex massages but it didn?t worked. I tried to go with prostitutes but it didn?t work (one laughed at me).
To be honest I started to notice a minimum improvement but it was far from being something ?normal?.
So in my own way I was already rebooting and trying to rewire my brain without knowing anything about PIED.
Then one day I was desperate and googled something like ?cannot have erections? or ?young erectile disfunction?, I don?t remember. I found a bodybuilding forum where a guy in his twenties was as desperate as me, asking for help. Another user replied that it could be something related to porn abuse and suggested looking Yourbrainonporn website. I couldn?t believe my eyes, I might be right in my avoiding porn? After all maybe if you used porn all the time you weren?t a stud.
So I clicked on the link and it was like being struck by a lightning! I had found the answer! Obviously I was not 100% sure but it really made sense. The books written by urologists about ED didn?t make sense to me (at least not in my case) but this made sense: you watch lots of porn and you screw up your arousal system.
I started to read and read and read. Every day I dedicated two or three hours to looking for the worst cases of PIED. I knew I wouldn?t be the ?90 days and I?m fine? case. I found some stories as bad (or even worse) as mine.
These are some (obviously they are older because I was reading a lot a couple of years ago):
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/healed.45222/
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-27-severe-ed-cured-after-2-year-flatline-never-give!!
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/near-worst-case-pied-cured-its-possible-everyone!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/3fjqy5/2_years_progress_nofap_works/
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-37-ed-all-my-adult-life-i-am-cured-and-sex-amazing
http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-26-reboot-took-3-years-no-more-ed-anxiety-sweating-or-panicking
There were others but links are not active anymore.
And of course the great videos from Gabe Deem.
Reading the stories of these guys really made me wanting to live again.
The first time I read all the information on Yourbrainonporn from Gary Wilson I started to laugh. I was alone in front of my pc and couldn?t stop laughing. It was like a rock lifted from my chest.
The more I read stories of other people as screwed up as I was the more I was laughing with a sense of relief.
So, I knew that the rebooting I had started was the good way. I had to rewire though. Honestly I wanted to rewire as soon as possible and this is where my story is a bit particular.
I kept reading many books about sex as possible and one was written by a former surrogate partner so I learned the existence of this profession. Long story short I started to work with a centre where they provide this kind of therapy and I had some sessions. I have to say that this is not for everyone since some people may just not have the money (it?s obviously expensive) or might not want to choose this way. I had the money (luckily for me) and it sounded good. A professional helping you with your sexual disfunction/s.
I have to say that you also have to be lucky to find the person that understand your problem and has knowledge of that and that is willing to even learn something new they might not know everything about.
I was lucky since I found someone very open in this sense, with knowledge of my issue, and also open to expand her knowledge. And sexy too.
I enjoyed all the sessions I had but talking just from a financial point of view the sessions could have been less. The important thing is that your body needs some time to start working again and if you?re in a bad flatline at times is just better to wait.
This experience, that I repeat might not be for everyone but can also be a great help if you can and want afford it, also opened my mind about sexuality. I learned that there are things like learning more about how human bodies work in sexuality and that sex like anything else in life is learned and can always be refined and improved. Like swimming or anything.
My thirst for knowledge pushed me to learn more about sex. I started to buy and read more and more books about sex, sexuality, techniques, tantra, psychology in sex etc.
At the end of the post there is a list of books I?ve read and that in different ways were all useful.
It took overall a long time of rewiring to women to undo what I had ?done? in many years of watching porn. Now It has been three years since I quit porn and I have a girlfriend and we?re happy with a very good sex life.
Here are some more things regarding my rebooting process:
When I had stopped porn (before finding YBOP) I had just stopped watching hardcore videos but not masturbation. Since when I found YBOP I immediately stopped also masturbation since I wanted to have an hardcore rebooting process in the hope of speeding up things.
At the end, after reading more and more stories on forums I decided to go even more hardcore and to try to really ?shock? my brain. I decided to stop using Facebook and any online material with images of sexy women. Not just that. I decided to even stop looking at adverts with sexual stuff (everywhere?) and also stopped watching TV and movies. Last (crazy to think about it now!) I stopped feeding my brain any sort of pleasure (no music and no books).
Why I did that?? Because I was desperate and I thought that in my cases some months of ?extreme measures? could be beneficial, and even if they were now I wouldn?t lose anything.
I decided that the only pleasure I would give my brain would be from touching or looking at women in flesh and blood. So whenever I had the opportunity I looked at women as if I had ?normal sexual impulses?. Before I didn?t feel any sexual feeling for women? Sure, I could tell if I liked some girl or if she was objectively attractive but my ?animal instinct? was disconnected.
I got this idea from another guy on Your Brain Rebalanced. He said that even if he was badly flatlining he looked at women as if he was sexually interested and that at some point he started to feel more sexual.
So after a couple of months of looking at women, one day I felt something alive in me (and in my pants). In that moment I understood that I might not be a completely hopeless case and that I might recover in the end.
Really, the extreme reboot that I did for about 5 months can seem crazy now when I look back but I think it might have had a part in making the process a little bit more rapid.
2) Masturbation:
At the beginning of my reboot (after I found YBOP) I stopped completely masturbation for about 6 months. During this period not only I didn?t masturbate but I almost avoided completely to touch my cock except for peeing.
This was the hardcore reboot period and most of that time I spent it in total flatline.
After this period I started again masturbation gradually. Now, I know this topic can be controversial but I think like everything else in life there are point in favor and against of it.
I started masturbating again to check if I could give me a hard on just with a slow movement of my hand like suggested on YBOP and I can say at the beginning it was impossible.
After some time (some weeks) I managed not to think about any porn scene or anything and give me a hard on just with a slow movement. I was very happy of this at the time.
Later on, after reading and studying books about Karezza sex, Tantric sex, Taoist sex etc, I understood that masturbation (or better, self pleasuring) can have an important role in learning about how to control one?s ejaculation and to learn better about our one?s body. Without self pleasuring I wouldn?t have progressed in my learning of sexuality.
The point against it is that people who have made of porn and masturbation a reason of life can very easily slip again into addiction. So if one?s want to go this path should be very carful of what they do and especially why they do it.
One thing is deciding to self pleasure with lube and slow touch for half an hour to learn more about arousal and ejaculation control (without thinking any sexual stuff or at least hardcore stuff) and another thing is spending half an hour masturbating with hard and fast strokes and thinking about ganbangs or other hardcore stuff.
In my opinion this from outside could seem similar but for one?s brain is very very different.
In the first case you?re training your body to enjoy a soft, slow and light touch and relearning to get arouse just by the feeling of a hand without having to go back to porn memories. This is not edging independently from the length of time
In the second case you?re going back to what screwed your brain up since your mind focuses on hardcore scenes or porn you watched in the past and your hand is providing your cock with an unnatural touch that makes it desensitized.
I hope I managed to explain my ideas about this.
3) Flatline:
I had a bad flatline since when I started my reboot and for about 5 or 6 months.
My cock was dead. I was not aroused by the sight of women and I didn?t even feel like watching porn or anything. I just felt asexual.
If I had been one of the first guys to experience this I might have freaked out badly and gone back to porn, but reading many stories of bad flatlines for longer times I gained strength and hope in the process and gradually I was able to become aroused with women and also with my hand without sexual thoughts (just touch).
It?s scary though, as anyone who has experienced it can say.
4) Ejaculation:
Before my reboot I had bad delayed ejaculation with any woman I had been with. I couldn?t really ejaculate (even the few times I managed to have a hard on) without thinking about hardcore porn.
I went hardcore during my reboot so without masturbation there was also no ejaculation. Well, in fact after some months of no masturbation/ejaculation I had one wet dream which was something that hadn?t happened to me since I was 12 probably. That was a good sensation and probably one sign I was starting to reconnect with my body.
After my reboot, even when I started to self pleasure I was always careful not to ejaculate often alone.
Even now, when I have sex with my girlfriend many times we end without me ejaculating.
This I learned from the books about Tantric and Taoist sex. Basically long long time ago in the East they had understood that too much ejaculation could not be good so they practiced lots of sex but without ejaculation. It would be too long to write about this here but there are so many books and references about this if you?re interested.
I do believe however that ejaculation can be good at times during the rebooting process especially during a long flatline. In my case it helped to end the flatline.
5) Porn. I?ve never watched porn again in the past three years. I even stopped to watch it before finding YBOP because I had noticed less arousal even with porn and something inside me told me there was something wrong with that.
Not watching porn was easy at the beginning, especially because I was so pissed at myself for having screwed me so badly with that and for so many years.
Now it?s a bit different. Probably it?s because now I work well (I?m still improving though) sexually and I feel confident. Many times I feel the urge to watch my favorite porn scenes that are still vivid (less) in my mind.
I tell myself that doing so it would be a ruin so I?ve always managed to fight it. I hope I?ll keep on this road.
I guess that like people who have been badly addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling you never recover from the urge to binge in your addiction. You can just keep on fighting it and think that indulging in it would make your life worse.
