Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

New study on porn and those who watch

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Aimee511:
I just wanted to add that ED is just the tip of the iceberg on the dysfunction porn can cause. Not only have I lived through the complete lack of sex & everything this post describes, but I've been physically assaulted. I just to have to park at a local park after dropping my kids off at school cuz he'd wake up so angry in the morning after going to bed at 5am. I couldn't even do that anymore cuz he started hitting me & accusing me of cheating. It got so bad that this man never showered & didn't leave the garage for 3mos at a time. I was being thrown out of movingly cars. I was told I was old & ugly while he referenced that he himself still looked 20. This is a man who ate nothing but garbage, spent 10yrs in a chair never leaving the house. It's not a put down, it's just an example of how delusional a man can become. I always thought it was weird that asking for sex triggered such extreme anger in him. Its bad enough to live with everything you described & if that's not punishment enough, you get your husband screaming in your face after coming in from the garage about how much he hate you, we're growing apart & blames you for lack of sex. When you kept desperately trying & there's nothing you can do fir the simple fact you'll never be a computer screen with 5 open tabs. Sometimes I would start crying so much I'd almost throw up but the abuse would get worse. Now his pushing me calling me a drama queen & insulting my physical appearance. I've done crossfit. I can run an 8min mile. I'm 40yrs old, what exactly am I supposed to look like? I just wanted to add that so other women will know that you can have washboard abs, but it doesn't matter. You can never look good enough no matter how fit you are for the simple fact he conditioned himself to respond to something that does not exist in real life. That part isn't about you. It becomes about you cuz all that has become of him get passed onto you as his brain tried to make sense of the stupid choice he's making. It becomes about you in his own mind cuz he automatically assumes it's your fault he can't be with you. He keeps searching for that evidence he needs to prove that this is normal & that he has to go there cuz you are not doing something right. It's a strange feeling when you're doing laundry in the basement & your husband come down & looks at you as if you were the most disgusting thing he's ever seen. Mentions coming to bed at 3am when you gotta get up at 6am complaining that it took too long for you to get in the mood, even though you still accommodated him. You try to explain, he pushes you to the ground & starts pushing your head up & down on the cement floor while criticizing everything you've been doing. I didn't even know there was even problem before that day. The physical abuse is getting worse. I thought after he admitted a problem, he'd get help. Esp after promising this would stop but he's still living in a garage. No longer employed & now he's threatened to kill me among other things if I even mention that this isn't any better at all. I'm so grateful for this site cuz I've suffered a life of hell in silence for almost 20yrs. Nothing worse than being cornered in a room while your husband pushes your face into a wall while calling you a loser & how a lot of people say he can do so much better. I wonder who those people are since he no longer has friends & his own family no longer speaks to him. ED is just the tip, this man is now completely delusional. I'm so sorry for the long post. I've kept it all secret for so long & I just needed a place to share my experiences. Suffering in silence is no way to live.

joepanic:
Aimee  It is not pornm that is causing him to treat yoiu this way  it is something more  Porn is probably just a bandaid he is putting on.

    What he is doing to you is massive assault and  he needs to be charged for it   it is against the law   he needs serious councelling for anger managment issues  and probably needs to  have some treatment for underlying issues

    In the meantime you need to do what  will make you safe (and any children you have) weather its call the police to have him move out or move yourself to somewhere safe    Also consider legal advice

   

Aimee511:
It wasn't always like this. He got this bad once he started stayed by up all night & not sleeping. In hindsight I could see how it slowly changed the person he was. Vision is always 20/20 in hindsight. I remember before the sex fell off the map that he was taking longer & longer to finish. He'd also send me up to bed & say he had to check emails but would take longer & longer to join me. Most likely cuz he needed to watch porn to get aroused. The things he wanted to do also changed. Not more kissing & touching but moved towards grabbing me, throwing me around & slapping. The abuse only started after attempting to do things that were painful. I know this in hindsight cuz when it started getting really bad, I googled how he was acting & it came up porn addiction. The asked him point blank & he just admitted it. It was hard cuz I didn't undestand. I was always willing to accommodate him & didn't take a whole lot the get in the mood. Sex really fell off the cliff when I wasn't able to do anal sex, it was just too painful. It is the porn, I'm sure of it. I can see very clearly the stages of his addiction once the truth came out. I talked to someone who was once his best friend. He says he hits me cuz he can't handle the truth. I've been to a gynecologist right before sex completely disappeared cuz I started bleeding afterwards & was terrified I had cancer. The positions he grew accustomed to in porn don't work well in real life. I kept trying to explain but since he sees all these people doing it online, he thinks I'm the only woman on earth who has a problem. That & since it's all young girls etc, he just naturally sees it as me not being attractive enough. I guess when you live your whole life obsessed with something you see on tv, it's easy to think you somehow got a defective spouse.

Aimee511:
Before the abuse, I thought he was depressed. He'd basically live in that garage. Never came out to do anything with me & my kids. Wasn't showering. He wasn't always like this. As I aged & he was spending more & more time in the garage, his treatment of me progressively got worse. I think he honestly believed that all these online girls were real experiences. The stress of dealing with him became so bad that I developed a gut no matter how much I exercised. Once the truth came out, it was as if it got lifted & I wasn't crazy. That was 1 thing he'd always do if ever I mentioned it being over 6mos without sex. He'd say I was imagining it or I'm just trying to start problems or I enjoy arguing. Never does it strike him as odd that we should even have to argue about wanting to have sex.  I haven't exercised in a while & my stomach is back to being fit & tone. Now I have the stress of approaching menopause without having been able to enjoy having any sex life of my own. I panic over this a lot. His violent behavior seems to be triggered by trying to communicate about how this is a problem. I'm pretty sure the porn he's escalated to is the really violent porn.

Aimee511:
I guess if I were to pick out the early stage signs another woman can recognize, it would be staying up later than usual. 11 becomes 2am which becomes 4am & before you know it, he's sleeping next to the laptop & never coming to bed. Another would be taking longer to finish. Esp if he had to stop & complains he's just too hot. Only able to finish with his hand. Closing his eyes & pumping really hard for what seems like forever & if you talk, he asks you to please be quiet. If the things you do become suddenly not enough. He's no longer interested in touching you much even during sex. Like he used to be an attentive amazing lover & now he wants positions where only the genitalia touch & he's pounding very hard. All of a sudden making comments about the way you look or just cutting comments about anyone's looks in general. Having a very negative cynical attitude. Finding ways to avoid having sex. This usually happens after he starts taking a really long time to finish. Anger way out of proportion to the situation at hand. This usually occurs in a man who's no longer sleeping. Developing a ritual of having to check work emails & telling you to wait in bed cuz he'll be right there. The time it takes goes from 10mins, 20, 30 then eventually over an hour. If you check on him, he's agitated or angry. He stops wanting you to touch him. He becomes more controlling & unbearable to live with. Constantly fearing you are cheating. I think this happens cuz he subconsciously knows your needs aren't being met & there are a lot of vids about cheating wives. The earliest sign of all would be spending more & more time on a screen. If you check in, he's jumpy then irritated. Like the sight of you scared him. Empathy for others slowly begins to erode. Only he matters & he begins to think he should be able to order others with the same ease as clicking a mouse. Frustrated if something takes longer than 5s. These last ones usually manifest themselves after the man has been sleeping in a chair next to a laptop for a couple years. He no longer sees human interaction as a connection but rather a transaction. Resentment for his family. Once his wife becomes an obstacle rather than an expression of his new re-wired sexuality, he begins to resent his wife. Which leads to resentment for his children. Being treated as if having material items makes a relationship without any intimacy worth it. I guess 'if' he's paying more for me than whatever he 'may' be paying for online, he logically comes to that conclusion this is a great deal for me! Never being able to attend social functions cuz he's got to stay home & work. Once in a while, normal but if he NEVER goes then gets angry & irritated if you inform him that he never leaves the house anymore, problem. Accuses you of making stuff up & wanting to start arguments when you notice his behavior is really odd. Hygiene falls off a cliff. Stops being interested in socializing. Doesn't seem to mind losing friends. This is just what I witnessed. I hope it helps someone else recognize it before it gets to the point I'm at. But my 1st sign something was 'off' was when it started taking forever for him to finish. 

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